The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

Oh god so many
My ds knocked a glass bowl over when exp was looking after him at our house. It smashed on the floor but he didn't clean the glass up as he wanted to leave it for me to do when I came home from work.

He accidentally texted me from his other phone and told me that someone in his workplace had a device that could "switch phone numbers"

Mine was refusing to tell me the address of his new house "in case you do something to sabotage me moving in"... completely ignoring the fact that I had helped him house hunt in the first place, and that I wanted him to have a decent place for the weekends he had our kids.

Twat.

He liked his women thin. I was a recovered anorexic. And when I left him, (found him at it with my bf) wrote to me and told me he thought someone more mediocre than him would make me happy!
So instead of an Old Harrovian with 3 O'Levels I married a northern lad who went to the local comp and then Oxbridge. I know where he lives and who he's married to know. Relatively it's rather mediocre and I am fat and happy. >>whispers - and he is nearly 70 and dh is 57

"I was too busy to send you the money to pay for my phone bill." Busy doing what I hear you ask! "Thinking" was the reply. I kid you not.
"You're a rubbish mother because you work full time". It was the only thing he could say against me and he failed to realise that at least one of us had a child to feed and clothe 🙄.

"Every woman in [our town] fancies me, except the ones you have turned against me"

There's not a laughing emoji big enough.

@doodlejump1980 ha ha must be! Unlucky us! 😂

'I'll pay you back when I’m rich and famous' Yeah whatever you sponger

I was given a list of my faults. Me and my DH often laugh about my list which I still have. I think they're my greatest assets ;)

Mine didn't even say he wanted me to take him back, he said this gem;
''Its been two weeks''.

Getting a bit of topic but my answer has reminded me that actually he used to ask me questions all the time then refuse to believe the answer I gave. Why the fuck did he keep asking me if he didn't see me as a knowledgeable person? O_o

When I asked him to leave because of emotional/ financial abuse ' promise me you'll get some therapy because your not right up there' I said yes I would - but I don't need to because I've got rid of my problem!

“I’ve changed”

His heroic deeds in the SAS...

Got out pretty fast!

"You never gave me and "OW" a chance.."... said to me by XH the week after l found out about him and OW.

The DC (older teenagers and very astute) had asked me directly if OW was who they thought it was and l wasn't going to lie so confirmed it...

@Starlings - fuck only knows! But, his loss was my gain. My sons are my pride and joy, I feel pity for him and his family in that they missed out sharing the lives of two remarkable young men - but that was their choice.

I've always kept my mouth shut about their paternal family, always said I'd support my boys if they want to contact them, that I'd help. They've grown up knowing that.

Two years ago their paternal grandmother popped up out of the blue (her eldest granddaughter had suddenly died aged 17 which must have prompted the contact), I encouraged but didn't force the contact. They met, my sons took her a Christmas present and card, she shut the door on them and they've heard nothing since. Nothing from their father either...!!

'You're too fat to fuck' and that women shouldn't be funded to do further degrees as they just go off and have babies.
A true delight.

During separation: You'll realise what you let go and regret it when I'm gone.

Post separation: if you want another baby that's DD's full genetic sibling I'll be happy to oblige.

Ha ha ha ha

Mine wouldn't let me hum or sing around the house.

Most likely - I could trust him 😂

When he found out I was seeing someone new who he thought was 'posher ' than us: "you'll be reading the Telegraph next!"
DH and I still laugh at that little gem 25 years later and I've even said it to my DH in front of ex who didn't bat an eyelid so clearly doesn t remember saying it.

@fairydustandpixies fucking hell, what’s missing in some men?

Him (looking in back garden): hey, come and look at this weird snail, it hasn't got a shell

Me: It's a slug

"I won't be seeing the boys anymore, it doesn't suit."

This was two months after separating, I took that call whilst at the school gates waiting for DS1 to come out of reception class and holding hands with DS2 who was at nursery!

He never bothered to see them again. They're 19 and 20 now!

“Women can get STIs from toilet seats”. I’m not sure what bit of me he thought touched the toilet seat!

Almost the worst thing was that I told a friend, who laughed uproariously with me at the folly of men, then told her husband who said “I thought women could catch STIs from toilets too.” FFS what are they teaching them?!

He was a huge health fanatic and once had a massive rant at me about how horrible sausages are, on the way out to dinner, because I said I was going to have pepperoni on my pizza. I ordered double pepperoni when we got there, just to spite him.

We also had an argument about whether it was possible to be too thin to get pregnant. He was obsessed with thinness and obesity and couldn’t accept it’s possible to be too thin.

God he was a dick.

My ex regularly tells me our son isn't his responsibility . Prick.