The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

‘It’s been a rough few months, I am drained I really need this holiday’
The above was said to me when I had a 6 week old baby, I had found out when I was 7 months pregnant he was cheating and had chucked him out of our flat. We tried to work things out when baby was born and were doing ok until I was hit with that line! I was still sore and extremely tired from doing everything on my own.

He went on holiday had a motor bike accident and was unable to fly home for 10 weeks!

That was the end for me, as soon as he stepped on that plane to go i vowed never to take him back and I kept to it!

Yeah I did nick the song in Croydon. You're gonna have to prove it though. Regards, Lionel

"Every month when you have a period, I feel resentful that you're not pregnant with my son"

I was 24, we'd been together a few months. Reader, I didn't marry him.

Not an ex yet but I am getting there. When I asked him what he thought would happen when I discovered his cheating.
" I thought you would never know and it would be my burden to live with ".

“You’re literally poison” - I’m literally not.

He told a number of people that I am a paranoid schizophrenic - utterly baseless bollocks.

Constantly harping on to everyone about how he’s short of money while living off £10,000 more than me & our 2 kids had to live off.

Got me fairly nervous about my ability to do everyday tasks like iron his shirts, make ya coffee etc as I “couldn’t even manage simple tasks”.

*possessions

After 16 years separation, ex contacted me to express sympathy on my mum passing.
He kept pushing for us to go for a coffee/ drink and I kept saying it wasn't a good idea. Days after the funeral, I went out with friends for a few hours before returning to tackle packing up my mum's house and processions. I had no mobile data. As soon as I got back in the house my phone was pinging away with messages.
I had no less than 60 messages in those few hours from the ex: I was a slag/ slut; giving blowjobs out in pub toilets; fat cunt; shagging everything; my kids will despise me and will go to live with him when they realise what I am; drop dead; Hope the rest of your family kill themselves....

I've been celibate for 7 years.
I've already lost a sister to suicide.
Our DC have been NC (their decision) for years since he broke the last court order. They're now young adults.
DC1 rolled eyes and said leopards don't change their spots. DC2 was mortified. DC3 wanted to go and find him and kill him.

Just remembered another one - "Yeah, I know I got you into loads of debt but it's not like I hit you or anything."

Strangely, my bar's set a bit higher than that...

Forgot the champion prize winning cuntfuckery comment... after I'd lost a bit of weight and caught him out shagging his colleague..

What did you expect me to do? You look like a melted candle now.

Your family are pigeon-eating, illiterate peasants.

You've got Satan inside you.

I'm not being an unpaid babysitter so you can go out whoring

You're a day, ugly cunt and no one else will ever want you.

I don't like them. They've had too much of your influence - seeing his own kids after a 10 year absence.

Cunt.

"you'll never be petite"

After about a year or two of going out (can't remember, it's a long time ago now). I'm 5'8", 6' in heels - I'll never be petite? No shit sherlock!

When our divorce was finalised he said he knew I didn't really mean it and we could get married again.

When I wanted him to pay more attention to our 4 year old son he said ....hed do so when son was 12 and he'd have more in common with him.

“Where did you get all those bruises?”

Not sure if the vicious twat actually couldn’t remember beating me up or if he was hoping that if he acted like he didn’t know, then I wouldn’t know either. Stupid fucker.

Hah! Where to start. On not bothering to do anything on Mother’s Day when the kids were little “you’re not my mother” (classic), “you’re pretty in a boring way, but you’re not beautiful”, “I own half those kids”. He also, on moving to my country, asked me to explain our political parties (I was almost finished getting a degree in political science) & when I left the room he asked my roommate (who was studying chemistry). “Just in case you’d missed something”.

I asked my ex not to give our small ds so much salt as it can be harmful.
And he said “it’s Maldon sea salt, that won’t hurt him.”

Like the fact that it comes from Waitrose somehow stops it being sodium chloride.

And then there was the time I sent ex out for some dettol so I could put some in ds bath, after he’d fallen off his bike, and ex cane back with Toilet Duck.

And when he moaned about having to drive to see ds at the weekend, and said “it’s about time we shared the driving”
Errr, well yes, I do 10 school runs a week, doctor’s, dentist’s Shoe shopping, play dates, swimming lessons, sports days, school plays, parent’s evenings, He drives to us, and back on a Sunday.

I wonder what it’s like to live in his world !

Ex DP got me into thousands of pounds debt (credit cards and overdraft), which he refused to pay back during the relationship because he “couldn’t afford to” but still expected me to continue lending him money for gadgets, nice clothes, nights out and to take us both on holidays. When I’d finally had enough and broke up with him, he said:

“You can’t leave me because of this. If you didn’t keep offering to lend me money then I couldn’t keep taking it, so this is all YOUR fault.”

He also claimed he had “no idea” the debts were a problem, despite me crying in front of him multiple times because I was worried sick. “Yeah, but I didn’t realise you were actually being serious.”

Oh, and he once lost his shit at me because he found one of my credit card bills which hadn’t been maxed out - apparently this meant I’d been “lying” when I’d told him I didn’t have any more money to lend him.

Told me that it was his job to put me back in my place if he figured I was acting too up myself......was having a conversation with some regarding politics at the ti e, that he was bored by......

"I brought you soup (in a can) but you still won't have sex with me?"

I was sick and stuck in bed.

He was a disgusting pervert who turned sex into a chore for me.

@honeylulu "When I'm a famous rock star, you'll see me on TV and wish you had stayed with me".

24 years later, he isn't and I don't.

This is one of the funniest things I’ve read on MN. Thank you!

"I want my socket set back" on phone at 3am

My first husband ( financially and emotionally abusive) told me he had compiled a file of evidence that would show any custody court I was mentally incapable of anything.
I wasn’t and he didn’t, but I was too terrified to leave for another few years.

I’m not leaving the children, I’m just leaving you.

Fast forward 6 years and he hasn’t seen them for over 4 years...

'Every time I come round you're listening to music. I prefer silence as soon as I walk thru the door'.

'Hayfever is serious, you've no empathy that's why you fail to understand I need peace, and looking after' (he would talk about his Hayfever for at least 2 hours and watch me like a hawk to check I wasn't disinterested)

'Women are all sluts by nature, they only dress up so men can look at them'

& when I dumped him: 'You're old, you'll never meet anyone else'.

I met my lovely DP when I was 50 & we've been together 6 years now. Still happy.

Told me that a friend who ours who had an affair deserved her diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer and it was god's way of paying her back for cheating on her husband.
After being in a&e all-day with an abnormality fast heart rate he told me I could just make him an omelette for his
tea when we got home.