The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

Oh, and another ex called me "putrid" for accusing him of cheating on me with his ex. "Putrid"?! I was stumped. He was, of course, cheating with his ex.

On the day I left him: 'you'll never meet anyone better than me' (I did, and I've remarried. He wasn't exactly a hard act to follow).

If I ever swore at him: 'you're just a common fishwife'

Fucking hate the test.

A previous partner in a LTR who used to belittle me on a regular basis said I wasn't as intelligent as he was, but that it was okay because I was "quite intellectual" (only because I went to university). He used to say this in front of his family members so clearly thought nothing wrong of it. Sadly, none of them piped up on my behalf so perhaps they didn't either.

Another ex tried to have sex with me after we had broken up. My grandfather had just died and I was very sad. I said no. He called me a "bitch". That was about 20 years ago. He's done very little with his life since then. This "bitch" however....

Your moles are getting bigger.

You are getting taller. You are too tall.

That after years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship and a half hearted Relate course of counselling, the only reason reason I could possibly have for leaving him is a mid life crisis. I was 11 years younger than him, earned more than him, paid 75% of the mortgage & bills and had been left with zero confidence. As I walked out the door he moaned about how he was banking on me being his pension plan! Tosser.

You know how after you have been in a situation you think of the perfect come back?

The French have a great phrase for this l'esprit d'escalier - the spirit of the stairs..... or when you think of what you should have said after you've stomped out of the room.

Sashh I'd love to have seen the look on your ex's face after you said that.

Ooh and "Women are either pretty or hot. And you're hot."

I hadn't asked anything...

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

actually snorted

'Why don't men ever fancy women with ginger hair? I mean, obviously any normal man would prefer a blonde or brunette but why do they find ginger haired women so ugly?' (I have ginger hair).
'I have never seen a woman eat so much pizza, every woman I have been out with is so careful not to get fat'
So so many things to be honest. Put up with him for 4 months seeing him once a week. I have no idea why!

So convinced that he was above all pop culture that he thought 'Lord of the Rings' was a jewellery heist movie...

"Other women earn more than you and still prepare their husbands warm dinners."

That was after I told him that I want a divorce because I was sick of him trying to be a lazy gobshite who only saw himself, prepared for PhD by working almost part-time, watching telly, getting constant advice from his Mum on how to manage his marriage and making me to read his books, translate his stuff while I was trying to manage the household and my busy job where I was earning more than double his meagre salary.

Oh, I was also constantly tired and stressed out - I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia later on. He started a campaign to get me on disability but when I asked so who's going to earn more money and take care of any potential children we have I was told: You, of course, you can earn money by doing translations and giving language courses, I have my academic career to look after.
Strangely, he didn't mind me being tired and stressed out then.

What a selfish prick. I am so relieved he's firmly in the past.

An ex of mine (lovely bloke, it just didn't work out and we were better friends) told me how his ex used to tell him it was his fault she had to hit him.

He was eventually pretty much forced to leave her or press charges by his family when someone noticed he was black and blue. He looked like he'd been in a car crash.

His ex used to tell him all the time that it was okay that she hit him, she was a woman. It's different when a man does it and her hitting him wasn't abuse.

That it was my fault his girlfriend after me cheated on him, as I had the audacity to start dating again 6 months after I left him (apparently I had set a pattern of him choosing women who cheat).

"You wouldn't be where you are today with out me and my hard work"

"I never worry you'll leave me I could do anything and you'd stay" (broke up with him the next day)

"I know I shouldn't call you names and I do feel bad after but you just make me so angry"

The morning after he raped me and I asked him why he did it - he said 'You can just add it to the list of things I've already done to you'

That I was a hypocrite for voting yes to make abortion available in Ireland, despite not having an abortion the previous year when he wanted me to have one.

Yes, dickhead, I voted for every woman to have the right to CHOOSE, just like I made my own choice.

I only hit you when you do dangerous things so you will remember not to do them.....so it was for my own good.

Not really an ex, but came to mind. A guy I'd met about 6 times through online dating over a few weeks. Said he'd been dating other people and decided to be exclusive with one, but we could still hang out. Lucky me eh! I was in two minds about carrying on with the negative grump anyway; he didn't like that I laughed "in his face", but we can't help our instinctive reactions and it was funny.

I am sure I've blocked out a lot but I used to get told I'm fat and ugly. I was a size 12 and managed to get a few guys before him so can't have been too bad looking.

I was an embarrassment to him the time I had 2 vodkas and nearly passed out. Turns out I was pregnant and 1 drink to me pregnant is like 10 to anyone else and I end up comatose and throwing up.

"What you on about? You can't rape your own wife. I have a right to have sex with you whenever I want and you have to do it. I want it at least twice a day"

He told me he preferred sex with a condominium randomly through your marriage. Turns out that was when he was waiting on sti tests to come back after cheating on me with no condom.

The best one was after I dumped him i went to put fuel in the car to drive the 650 miles to collect my stuff from the marital home to find out there was no money in the account. I called him and he had gone to the bank at 9 am to withdraw the entire lot so I couldn't spend it or pay the bills because "you have your parents to pay for you and the kids I have no one." Nah mate out just have subsidised housing and good through the army, no bills because they are in my name, free transport to travel to see your family and kids and all the other perks of being a soldier while I had nothing, in homeless accommodation waiting on benefits and nothing to feed or clothe our kids ages 2 and 6 weeks.

The worst ones I think were when told me I had to have a c section because he didn't want anything to change "down there" and that the youngest isn't his. I wasnt allowed to go out or talk to anyone without his permission so when I cheated on him Ive no idea!!

He wanted a dna test but funnily enough when he was told he would have to pay for it he stopped engaging with the cms and made his new wife pay the £10 pm arrears payment due to him being unemployed. They owned their own business but cms are so useless they don't run a simple google check on feckless absent parents.

Some of these are truly awful, What a bunch of disgusting fuck wits.
I hope you all realise these men are as bad as each other and it's not you, it's just how these men work, to wear you down. If this post doesn't prove its them and not you, nothing will!
I hope karma gets the tossers!

You know how after you have been in a situation you think of the perfect come back?

Well when I was splitting with my ex somehow the perfect some back came out of my mouth.

Him: Why have you named OW in the divorce papers?
Me: Because she is pregnant (slight pause) but I suppose there is no guarantee it's yours.

He also made a comment about how my vagina felt to him and that the OW's was 'tighter'

Me: Well that's because of the operation, it was so slack from all the men she had to have it repaired.

Reader, he believed me, not only that he asked her about the op, but not until after he had asked a couple of her friends and some neighbours.