The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

That three teaspoons wasn’t the same amount as a tablespoon, and I shouldn’t use that as a measurement how stupid of me.

That he could spot all the fake smiles in my mums wedding photos and so he knew who was no good.

That I should go nc with my family because he didn't like them.

That I was fat (I weighed 8.5 stone and was 5’8.) I was 15, he was a 24 year old virgin when I met him.

That it was fine to follow attractive women and comment on them walking down the street at night.

That he definitely didn’t have depression and anxiety but also definitely couldn’t be expected to get a job after years of being on the dole

That my hips were the wrong shape (on repeat for years basically)

That he would go out with me again if I lost a stone.

That I really didn’t need to go to university, what would you want to do that for.

That I should wear the weird clothes he picked out for me and let him do my hair because he knows so much better than me (he clearly wanted me to look hideous)

After pulling me from my front door and throwing me to the ground giving me whiplash he said I tripped.

When I ended it he said the reason was because ‘you are too insecure to be with a good looking man like me’ ....

Then mailed me saying I needed therapy as I was the abuser.

“You’ll never keep this house without me”.

Really? Fucking really? Cos it looks like I have paid off the mortgage and am still living in it 16 years down the line!

'I don't think you'll ever be happy' (without him). Funny that. I seem to be quite A bit happier than when I was with him. And thats even with him having an affair with my best friend...I'd still take the fall out from all of that over still being married to him

You've never really travelled have you....
We met in Russia.

I'd never survive without him ... The man who moved into my housr., Lived mainly off my salar,y. expected me to entertain his lovely daughter while he watched football etc. I'm surviving just fine.

Oh yeah I'd forgotten

"You're not a real woman as you don't wear short skirts or paint your nails"

He just looked confused when I replied "ah a new way to determine sex. A baby girl is born with painted nails and wearing a shirt skirt - the vagina is just a bonus"

After we split, well he was now 'officially' seeing the OW. Of course it was all innocent friendship beforehand.

"Why don't you still wear your engagement ring?"

So I said something along the lines of "Because it's an engagement ring...we're no longer together, therefore no longer engaged"

"Well it's still an nice ring to wear"

Maybe, if it wasn't a FUCKING ENGAGEMENT RING!!

Dumbass!

NAMALT.

Nah but on threads like this, it's sounding dangerously close.

Fucking hell, if this is light hearted, I'd hate to think what a serious one would look like.

The XH said to me 'I'll always look after you' just a couple of weeks before stopping paying all the bills without telling me. I was a SAHM, living in a financially deprived area and the crash had happened less than a year before.

Oh the same guy said "I'll never cheat on you". Obviously did.

That I was a "materialistic cunt" because I looked after my belongings and don't lose or wreck stuff all the time.
He was so feckless and couldn't understand why would get annoyed if he took belongings I had saved money to buy without asking and lost or ruined them. This was things like CD's, speakers etc. He'd also just eat or drink anything nice I'd bought as a treat or been given as a gift without leaving anything for me. Would also do the same if I was given nice toiletries. Once he'd used a (whole) bottle of Molton Brown bath stuff his mum had bought me for my birthday. But it was "materialistic" for me to be bothered.
And it was also "materialistic" to save money to travel to spend my annual leave going to nice, interesting places.
Fucking nob.

My ex repeatedly told me (after finding out he'd had an emotional affair) that I needed to trust him. Apparently my lack of trust in him, and repeated discoveries of receipts for flowers, meals and hotel rooms forced him into yet another affair.

When I threw him out and divorced him he told my solicitor I was financially abusive because he'd had to use credit cards to pay for all this "friendliness" he had to seek out from other women, and I had refused to pay his debt off. He then told him that my claim for CMS through DEO was emotionally abusive to him

I'm now permanently off men, and staying single!

Aravis yep and then he told me about it.I can't remember if this was before or after she threw a brick through my window.

TheSecondMrsAshwell

The pregnancy?

It was generally a shit time but there were the odd highlights, he refused to return the divorce papers, my solicitor had to send a bailiff round.

One of the questions on the form was, 'do you have any evidence of his adultery' ? Er yep, i the form of a bump.

This was my second solicitor. I received a bill from the first one, I phoned them up and said, "I'm not paying" I got the, "you have to, we will take you to court" so I asked how they could represent me and my soon to be ex at the same time? Yep they had taken both of us on as clients.

They didn't send a second bill, it might have been amusing to leave that until the county court but I wanted things over with.

When I told x I was moving into the spare room and filing for a divorce he said if I do that it would kill him.
Lying b`stard.

He accused me of signing up for an online dating site...

It was LinkedIn thick as shit he was.

*he

Sashh

"Reader, he believed me, not only that he asked her about the op, but not until after he had asked a couple of her friends and some neighbours."

^I'm still sniggering at this, not just the fact he believed you, but that actually asked around about it

vampirethriller
He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon

I'm reading this at work and just laughed really loudly. That's hilarious
The rest of the office is not amused

Haha. Just remembered another one from the same gentleman who called me a bitch for not shagging him after we'd broken up.

I was a DJ (once upon a time) and was very nervous about my first set in a club. He took off as soon as I entered the DJ booth and didn't return until it was over because he was "so overwhelmed" by it he had to get stoned.

After my set I was approached to play a regular slot on the radio and from then on I got plenty of gigs about town. He considered himself to be a DJ and took all this very badly as had only had a few gigs at friends' parties etc. I remember at one point him saying it wasn't fair because he felt responsible for making me who I was - "he made me a DJ".

Interesting, as I quite clearly remember teaching myself in my bedroom during my teenage years a long time before I met him.

Not an ex but someone I went out with a couple of times:

You'll have to convert to Catholicism when we get married - first date

I can't stay over. I have to go to confession first thing and tell the priest I sinned with you.

(Very lighthearted but true) “You are the bottom of the food chain and need to learn your place. John doe only wants to date you because girls like you mess men up in bed and he wants to concur you” I should add we were like 14 at the time but it did scare me off of boys for a fair bit (until I was 20!) still suprised that could come out of a 14 year olds mouth given at 14 my little brother was still collecting playmobile but then it takes all types I guess

Oh yes, we had two children. But he couldn't see himself "figuring out parenting".

"We should go back to just dating. You can do the parent and family thing and we can just fuck when you want to?"
This was after he'd asked for a divorce following my pushing back on gaslighting, financial abuse and various problems. He was confused by my laughter. He really was a crap shag too

Can't believe I forgot this one. One ex contacted me to tell me he had chlamydia. He said he was taking the high road and letting me know so I could inform "all the people" I had slept with and try to trace it back to find out who gave it to me.

He informed me it could be the ex before him because he was "dirty and has lots of piercings and tattoos". I asked him why he thought it was me who gave it to him and he balked, reminding me of that one time the condom broke and that's when I apparently infected him.

Had the test and came up clean. He didn't believe me so I sent him the results.

He was then faced with the prospect of trying to work out whether he had it all along since before me, or whether he caught it from the "love of his life" he had been cheating on me with (who had, incidentally, been cheating on her long-term boyfriend with my idiot BF). But, hey, why not blame the innocent party in all of this.

What a toxic dog swamp that pair of vile creatures created for themselves. Higher ground indeed...