The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

I've seen the type of woman I want when I've met some of my friend's girlfriends

"I'm not going to stay if you don't fight for me"... after I kicked him out for cheating. 3 weeks later I got.. "well I've though it over and I've decided to give you another chance "...yeah well guess want I've thought it over and you're still a cockwomble..fuck off!

My ex had had an accident at work and was in hospital following surgery. The hospital was two bus rides each way from where we lived, as l hadn't passed my driving test then.
Not one of his family (who actually lived closer, and had three cars between them) went to see him while he was in hospital.
After he came home, his mother came to see him. After she'd gone, l asked him why none of them had been to see him in hospital. He replied that his mother had wanted to, but his dad had said that it "wasn't safe, her getting the bus on her own" (no explanation of why he wouldn't go with her, or why he, my husband's brother, or SIL hadn't taken her in the car) and that he wouldn't allow her to go. And, l quote "SHE ABIDED BY HIS WISHES." This was in the early 1990s.
Whereupon l said "l've got some bad news for you. Did you know Queen Victoria's dead?"
lt didn't go down well. But to be honest, nor did his family letting me do everything, hospital visits, taking him for his appointments (and my dad going with him, even paying his bus fares when l was at work)looking after him at home, while working shifts. l'm well rid of the lot of them.

"I would never do anything to hurt the kids." (My godkids)

...this was after I left him due to him stashing his cannabis harvest from the loft under the bairns bed (I didnt know) and only found out when the school had pulled god daughters mother up on her smelling of it, then, when I went mad at him, responded in a bored voice "you finished fucking winging?"

So, yeah...hes now 50, on his own, financially fucked with a huge mortgage he has no hope of paying off and chronically I'll. Really couldnt have happened to a nicer person. Whereas I have just married DH, have a beautiful son and step daughter, good jobs and looking to buy a house in the near future.

But that comment got to me in the sense

"I wish my dad could see you all dressed up like this."

Presumably I was only passable to him and his family when wearing slap, heels and designer clothes.

The sad thing is many of the exes will be someone's current.

When he left he said he wasn't gonna sign the tenancy over to me because he wanted to see me and the 3 kids out on the street

I'll stick around as long as you keep the beer flowing

I just know my ideal woman is just around the corner

“Why do you wear such aggressive jewellery?” (Response to me wearing anything bigger than a 2mm plain ear stud)

“I think you are delusional..... Why would you say that, to impress people ???You need to get some serious help” ( after I told him I’d worked with, and been beaten up by a tall supermodel who has a reputation for that sort of behaviour. He could have checked it was true just by sticking my name in google.)

“What would you do without me?”

There’s a lot of pain on this thread. Stay strong all of you 🌺

I've had better looking girls than you, I've had worse looking girls than you.

Just moved into a new house at his insistence .
His girlfriend of two years ( my friend) decided he was never going to leave his wife of 13 years so finished with him.
He came round after two weeks of living with her to ask if he could take the new double bed we'd just bought together as his back was hurting in her bed .
All he got in the end were his golf clubs .
I still miss my friend .

“How am I supposed to go on holiday now?” The first words out of her mouth when I told her that our marriage was over!

After being together 12 years, planning a baby, having baby and thenafter 11 months he said he was leaving because he "didnt like the new routine "

“I want rent for that room” my ex said of a room I worked in from our jointly owned, jointly mortgaged house. I worked from home so it was easier to mange the kids during school hours/holidays etc

“I didn’t sleep with her”

My ex's stupid comments were pretty standard ones:

"I still love you" (prick, funny way of showing it by being a complete bastard)

"I can change if you'll take me back" (about the 1,000th version)

"Nobody will love you or fancy you like I do" (49th edition, usually early hours of the morning) closely followed by "you're a f***g slag" (after blanking his oh so crude drunken advances)

"You'll never meet anyone else that will want you like I do" (except my better half, now about 30 years together)

"You'll regret finishing with me now" (yup, right on that score....I should've done it long before I did)

"Only I can make you laugh" (prize twat, I'm laughing AT you, not WITH you)

"I love it when you are all dressed up"...closely folowed by..."you're a tart" (hhmmmmmm!)

"I'm going to kill myself if I can't have you" (laters, good riddance to bad rubbish and all that...would you like some rope, all the medication and alcohol in the house, directions to Beachy Head?..glad to be of assistance.

And they are just the fist ones that spring to mind - I'm sure there were some peaches somewhere, but I can't be arsed devoting any time or headspace to thinking about ex's any further, lol

My ex is a narcissist so the list is endless... but just days after my father died he started at me again. With this beaut ! “ I bought DD new pants then the next time I had her she was still in the same pants and they were covered in shit, I even had to buy her new school uniform once a week, because DD didn’t have any you are so fucking shit as a parent’ ... he then went absolutely nuts when I pointed out that social services would have been involved if that was the case, and I have just checked with DD if she ever went to school naked but for a pair of shitty pants and she had no recognition of the events ‘ DD is now 18 !!! And ignores her father because he is a first class twat.

My (very unreasonable) first ex became convinced that I was cheating. It was horrible because he was always trying to find out "who it is" despite keeping me under such scrutiny that I could barely go to the toilet unchecked. If I spoke a word more than necessary to a shop keeper or bus driver that was it. He forbade me to speak to colleagues at work but wanted me to work because he didn't. This was before mobile phones became common so at least he only had real life to be suspicious of not social media too. It really peaked when he went off the rails mentally and became convinced that my OM was the singer of a band I was into. Even though the guy lived in Australia and I'd never even met him. It's actually terrifying trying to convince someone who is delusional and turning violent that you're not having an affair. I left him after a very nasty episode where he effectively held me hostage in the flat overnight and only didn't kill me because he became too drunk to do it and went unconscious for a bit. That's the closest I've come to thinking my number was up.

As a long time single woman, this thread doesn’t exactly compel me to get back into the dating scene 😂

So many! Resent favourites are -

He accidentally emailed me instead of his boss saying how he can’t come to work tomorrow as his ex (me) has a job interview and our youngest DD is sick and he is being forced to babysit. In 5 years I’ve never asked him to ‘babysit’ when our kids are sick and was actually at work in the same job I’d held down for years.

Sunday’s gem was - I can’t have the kids next arranged contact day as I have a work conference I can’t get out of. No, he’s getting married. Our Dc’s aren’t invited and he thinks we don’t know. But sadly they do thanks to his new DSD telling them and rubbing in that she is bridesmaid and our youngest DD is heartbroken.

"I don't trust women who dye their hair. They are trying to deceive men."

vampirethriller
He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

Crying😂😂😂

“Why don’t you just go, I don’t even love you, I never have done!”

Me: takes it all in, walks out, starts to slowly drive off, when he leaps seemingly out of nowhere crying like a deranged toddler. He’s then saying that he didn’t mean what he said (about one minute before). When I said “move out the way or I’ll run you over”, he went ballistic and started screaming abuse about what a heartless bitch I was.

Never looked back! Dick.