The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

You’re too pretty to be fat!
I was about 9 stone. 🤷‍♀️
I weigh about twice that now but I’m lucky enough to pass for about 10 years younger than I am. I’ve been married to my very hot DH for 28 years.
Ex on the other hand is completely bald with a white beard and is still single.

Oh from another ex: I can't imagine you peeling carrots listening to radio 4

I quickly deduced that his ex used to do this and the implication being that I was not as intellectual as her so I'm quite proud of my response (must have been sharp that day):

I also can't imagine me screwing your best friend in your bed while you took your kid to see your mother

(his ex of course did this.)

Turns out through Facebook I've learnt she now loves Top of The Pops 2 and Absolute 80s.

He was a controlling prick to be fair and while I don't condone cheating, I understand why she did, probably listened to radio 4 because it was what he felt she should do and now she's free of him, she does what she wants.

Dribble 🤤
That would turn me right off 🤮 unless English wasn’t his first language in which case I might find it quite endearing depending on the full context

No woman should be above a size 10 🤣🤣🤣

Reading this thread, jesus christ just goes to show how vile men (ok some men) are.

After arranging a surprise 50th birthday party very much tailored to his tastes, with help from his kids and extended family and friends - "Well if you can organise something like this behind my back you're probably up to all sorts" despite having been joined at the hip for 13 years. Left him the next year for a very much worse reason.

”You’re basically channel 4 and I’m BBC 4”. Make of that what you will.

Same ex:
I was 22, him 27.
He went to university as a mature student.

'You do realise that there'll be a lot of slim, carefree, pretty young blondes there, and they'll be after me.' all said in a very sneery way.
He had a thing for them.

After we split up, he ended up with a not slim at all (I say this not because I care but because he did) brunette -who was far from carefree as she had a child, only a year younger, and who was far from his ideal woman.
But by that point he'd dropped out of university and was living with his mum and unemployed.
Utter cocklodger.

Oh I. J. if only I could see you again, I'd take great delight in telling you what a tw*t you turned out to be. And laugh my head off.

After I'd sent a long text about his abusive behaviour being unacceptable.

'I'm not reading all that dribble'

Made me wish I'd originally pointed out he was thick as well as abusive.

"if you go to work I won't be here when you get back"
Yep he threatened to leave me if I went out to keep the roof over our heads (he was unemployed at the time)
I went to work. He didn't leave (then)

That I was out of his friend's 'league'
In the sense that I was not good enough for his friend.
I admit that I was so hurt by this as it was obviously meant to denigrate me I was speechless.

Now, of course, my response would be:

But not your league obviously you cnt*

Asked if he wanted contact with DS3 who had been asking about him, "let's just leave the past in the past shall we?"

Yeah, thanks for leaving me and his older brothers to explain that to an 8 year old.

Him, a virgin when we met at 22, telling me he knew more about sex than me (sexually active since 17 with my high-school/uni boyfriend of several years and a few others in between) because he had watched lots of porn.

Mine is not as serious as some and still makes me laugh 30 years later.

On meeting my new partner for the first time who he considered ‘posh’:

“You’ll be reading the Telegraph next!”

In hindsight his sense of humour was one of the few things going for him!

She’s skinnier than you but you’ve got bigger tits.

f*ck off pal. it’s laughable now but I was upset at the time, low confidence in my body after giving him 2 children in 20 months.

I don’t like it when you wear stripey clothes. Can’t you wear something flowery like a girl?

let’s move abroad, that will solve all the problems in our relationship…when I dumped him!

I don’t care if I never see either of you again (aimed at me and our 2 year old)

then why won’t you let me see him???

Obviously that I was mentally ill (that one's in the instruction book), but also that my being "mental" caused him to prematurely age. The evidence? When he met me aged 18, he didn't have a single grey hair! 😂

sorry. thats hilarious

why on earth was he having lipsuction on his man boobs?

After I gave birth to put first child, "don't make me ever go through that again".

Not sure it counts because no words were spoken but he fell asleep during couples counselling. Apparently he was bored.

If only there was an alternative to men other than lesbianism. They wouldn't get a look in.

This resonates so much with me!! I was hot as fuck when I was younger due to years of dancing. My ex told me I needed to lose some weight! I was 9 fucking stone.
He’s bald now with a white beard and still single.
I’m 55 ,weigh twice what I did then but still married to my absolutely drop dead gorgeous half Italian DH. 😁

‘I’m sorry , I know I’m a twat, I’m just impulsive’

When I’d ended my marriage he said “you won’t cope without me”.

When we had an argument last year because he was declaring an income of 5k a year and not paying maintenance. He said “unfortunately you earn more than me at the moment”. What, like it’s hard??

You've put on some weight haven't you (went from a 10 to a 12 after we got married), he said this whilst his 20 stone lard arse was lying on the couch.... he was 14 st when I met him