To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

Bollocks to that! Not married or married, you're committed to a life together!

He should help you out with your 5k debt and discuss how to invest the rest.

When DH and I first lived together we split everything 50/50 although we lived in the flat I owned, I was happy to pay the mortgage myself and had been but (then) DP pointed out he'd pay more in rent to live elsewhere. I earned about a third more than him then so possibly should've paid more of the bills, but I'm a natural saver and he isn't, he's not bad with money any more, I just seem to budget better. The extra money I earned all went into savings, which has ultimately become joint money since we got married, paid towards our house renovation, wedding etc so in the long run it's irrelevant if you know you're a partnership. He had £1500 on a CC racking up interest when we moved in together ten years ago, which against the will of MN I paid off straight away, and he dutifully paid back in under a year without accruing more interest. If you have a genuinely trusting relationship financial imbalance isn't a thing. I wouldn't expect a great but would give one in your partner's shoes maybe not a trip to New York thigh which seems like quite a big treat. After all if you're getting married that's for to be paid for and if you ever want children or will be nice to have that financial cushion and for it not to have been spent on holidays.

What the hell is it with MN looking down on couples who aren’t married? A committed relationship with a joint mortgage and still scornful remarks ‘well you’re NOT married’
A lot of you have a bloody weird idea of marriage, separate finances, squirrelling money away whilst OH is struggling those aren’t partnerships, that’s two people sharing a house.

In his position I’d put it towards paying off the mortgage. I’d also treat my partner of ten years, but I wouldn’t consider it shared money. Paying the mortgage benefits both of you. This wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’m in a similar position to you re finances and relationship. We largely keep our cash separate and it works for us, but we’re both generous with it in bountiful times too! I know if my partner inherited that kind of cash towards paying off our home.

I was given a bit of money. The decent thing is to share with other family members - could be a small amount that makes a big difference to someone else.
I'd be disappointed if my partner of 6 years did not share it - wouldn't be looking for loads, but something would be nice.

Is your partner grief stricken OP?

I inherited 180k many years back. I paid off my brother's and cousin's debt ( around 10k), took my boyf to NYC and took my closest friends out to a swanky restaurant to say thank you for their help during lean times. We got engaged, I paid for the wedding and put the money towards a jointly owned property.

But then, my boyf was a high earner I already lived with him and paid nothing as he earned 8x my salary and it was his house.

I would leave your relationship.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

That. There has been nothing from the OP acknowledging his loss. In his position I'd just want to put the money away, and wait until the grief had lessened and I had time to think rationally about what to do with it. Having fun with it wouldn't even occur to me at that point.

I think if the OP had the inheritance she would be treating her partner. He does not think in the same way .
Admittedly it would be lovely to do that .

So you've been in a relationship with him for quite a while, you have a mortgage together and he earns double what you do. Everything is split 50/50 and he's put away his inheritance for himself. I'd see that as him not being particularly invested in the relationship to be honest. (More the 50/50 split than the inheritance)

I may be in the minority here but this would probably be a dealbreaker for me. With a man for 6 years, and living together, and supposed life partners, yet he keeps ALL the £80K to himself and lets me languish in my £5000 debt.

He sounds as tight arsed as fuck, and I would consider myself having dodged a bullet.

Sorry @caraofthevelvetbluesea but this would be it for me. He has shown you how much (or little!) he thinks of you.

The fact he has not married you yet shows how little you mean to him. You have no kids and separate finances so just run! Whenever I see a couple with separate finances, the man is almost always the higher earner, and having separate finances is usually HIS idea coz doesn't want to share his money. Fuck that!

And I can't believe some people are saying 'why should he pay off the OP's debts?' They are a couple and a family unit; so why is the pot not shared?? Why should he not help her? Some awful attitudes on this thread!

@ControversialFerret

But if you earn different amounts why are you paying 50/50? A fairer way to do it would be to split the bills proportionate to the difference in your earnings.

I don't understand how someone can love and care about you and at the same time be comfortable with seeing you financially struggle at the end of the month?

Yep this. ^ Pretty much what I think. It's disgusting that the OP's partner is earning way more than her but she is still paying half for everything. I am willing to bet she does more in the house too. (Housework/cooking/cleaning/shopping/washing etc...)

And yeah I WOULD say the same if the OP was a man. Except that's not very likely is it? Because women are rarely the higher earner, and even when they are, they are more likely to share. If the man is the higher earner, (which is more often than not,) he is way more likely to be tight-fisted and keep THEIR money to themselves.

I am pretty sure that many of the 62% who picked YABU would NOT be happy if their partner came into £80K, and didn't even offer a single penny to them, or offer to pay off their £5000 debt, or book a nice holiday abroad for them both. They all talk the talk, but in reality, they would be as miffed as the OP.

**Money is made round to go around, not flat to pile up!

Umm. Bank notes are flat..?

OP, I think YABU, it’s his inheritance and therefore completely up to him what happens to it. Maybe he suspects that using it for treats / paying off small debts will escalate and it will be seen as a fund to dip into going forward.

If I received that amount I would do the same and stick it away for the future and carry on as I am.

How is the rest of your relationship? Have you sat down and spoken about your finances before? Maybe as hes got it do easy he just hasnt given it much thought that your financial arrangement is unfair.

I can't imagine earning twice what my partner earned and expecting them to pay half of everything, know they have debt to pay off but not help or treat them a bit when I got a windfall.

@amusedbush I can't get my head round that. If you have debt problems and your husband has that much money it's literally crazy that he doesn't immediately pay it off.

Inheritance- if his saving it for a rainy day then totally understand.

But I find it odd that he earns double what you do but yet you pay 50:50?

My husband earned less than me and I always paid more into the pot than him. Why? Because we are a partnership.

When my husband inherited £ we used it for us both and saved some. When my dad gave me money we paid some £ off the mortgage

It just doesn’t sounds like you are working as a partnership.

So what if you aren't married . He loves you right ??

When I have had any sort of windfall (I've also inherited money a couple of times ) I've immediately shared it or chucked it into the general pot.

So weird how technical Mumsnet gets about marriage. This is about love and a long term commitment and sharing pleasure together.

I would also immediately pay off a small debt like five grand before saving the rest

He earns double you and bills 50/50.? That's totally unfair ,if you a couple I would expect to pay a % relative to earnings. So he would be paying twice what u pay. To be honest he sounds mean to me and it's a horrible trait to have being stingy with money, if of told him to sling his hook long ago if I'm honest

Don’t marry him. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner, he sees you as flatmate he has sex with and who does his share of the chores.

Do you own equal shares of the property you live in?

When I was 26 I’d had the same boyfriend for 5 years, so just s little less longer than you. I too had debts from studying, but was working hard and also earning well.

• it would never have occurred to me at that age to enter into a 50-50 split of finances with that boyfriend if he were earning double me. If he hadn’t offered to pay more, or agreed to live somewhere we could both afford comfortably, I would have walked away

• I never would have not aimed for marriage, although I concede i totally wasn’t ready for it. Surely you know by now how fucked you could be if you had a child and then split up?

• never, ever would I have felt entitled to any of an inheritance that boyfriend received! Bloody hell OP! Someone he was close enough to to receive 80K from just died. You’re 26, just setting out in life, have a mortgage and debts, and you want him to spend some of that on a trip to NY??! I’m afraid that’s cliched millennial thinking right there, not far off the avocado toast trope

I would definitely have a conversation about finances. But be ready for it, as money talk can raise a “it’s this or nothing” replies from the higher earner. It really goes to the root of what a couple think of each other, especially when it’s the woman who’s the lower earner.

Why are people saying that OP shouldn't expect anything because they're not married and don't share finances? They share a mortgage. If they were married and shared a mortgage then that would be ok would it? It seems very old fashioned to me. He should discuss with you what to do with the money. Could it go towards the mortgage for example etc etc. I think he's acting like he's single tbh.

Hi OP

I guess it's a question of are you dating or is this a relationship

If you're dating which your updates suggest you are then I dont think you could be annoyed.

However after 6 years I would expect a bit more

To me a relationship is like a partnership. I just dont personally see how it can work if one person earns twice what the other does and is happy to let their partner pay half of everything to the extent that they are in debt and struggling while presumably he has disposable income left over to spend on treats and hobbies etc. Most people on here, going by similar threads, split bills in proportion to what they contribute or split them so they have the same amount of disposable income each month.

I dont think it's so much the inheritance as general attitude to money and your relationship. Whatever he spends it on, it sounds like he is going to decide on his own, it's going to be for his benefit, and you are still going to be left struggling.

If you were on your own, honestly, would you be better or worse off financially (when you take into account each others tastes and things like going away together and where you stay etc). If you would be better off on your own (if you would stay in a much smaller apartment in a less sought after area and go out for meals and away for the weekend less and have a single person discount on council tax and live closer to work etc) I would seriously reconsider this relationship. One if the benefits of being in a relationship is pooling your resources, neither of your should be worse off by being with the other one but it sounds like you might be, and after 6 years that's not right

Lepetitpiggy, I think that’s what real teams/partnerships are about, you leave the mine/yours thing at the door and use resources to benefit the whole team.

It sounds like he is saving it rather than "hoarding" in. Whilst it would be lovely to take a trip to N.Y. that may not be top of his priorities right now and what about when Christmas rolls around, would you expect something above and beyond then? I inherited a similar around of money a few years ago, my partner expected nothing from me and once I had gotten my head around it all, I invested it in us. He has choices to make and you should respect his decision rather than let it come between you. If you don't like what he is doing and resent it then you need to think about your future and finances together

DH just inherited ~£120k and I’ve asked him for nothing. I am paying back debt from my early 20s through Step Change and I have car repayments to make - both my problem. My debt is not his issue.

He only inherited the money because his mum died and so he took her place (for want of a better word) when his grandparents then died. He’s hardly clicking his heels about being in that position so it’s not for me to expect him to fund treats and holidays.

Both mine and dhs parents died and left us small amounts. There was no question of ant hoarding for either of us. Dh paid our cards off and we decided to use the rest on a conservatory and a family holiday and mine (recent :( ) is being used on a new kitchen and bathroom and things we know mum would want us all to have. We are a unit and make decisons together