To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

Everyone talking about sharing etc he isn't spending it on himself either he us saving it. I would agree if he was buying himself stuff he's not, so it says nothing about your relationship, he's just a saver.

Just seen though that he earns more and yet you are paying 50/50 towards your house etc. I agree with pp that this doesn’t sound right. It should be proportionate imo.

If you’re married it would be different but he is just being sensible and trying to make sure that £80k isn’t frittered away.

My husband has inherited money here and there since I got together with him and it’s also basically gone into the mortgage/savings etc. He did lend me £5K to pay off my credit card (when we weren’t married) though as to him it didn’t make sense me paying a bank when he could help me out. I just forgot about the inheritance tbh as it’s his money, though it’s helped me live somewhere nice for less mortgage.

U are being unreasonable.

It also sounds like he is more sensible with his money than you are

@Bookworm4 I wasn't intending to be condescending. Sorry if you took it that way.

The 50/50 bill split is unreasonable.

How is the mortgage set up? Proportional to what you put in?

I think when in your situation, earlier on in a relationship, I wouldn't have expected anything, but would hope for something small like a weekend away.

Now however being married and with DC, we are both assuming that inheritances we receive will be joint and will be used towards mortgage/next house when we need to move etc.

My DH stands to benefit a lot more than me from this arrangement as his family have very little money and mine have quite a lot more. But what would I do with big pots of cash which I'd just be sitting on for years as it was "mine"? Might as well do something useful for the family with it or put it towards our retirement, otherwise it's just numbers in a bank (depreciating in value what with crap interest, and inflation!).

Genuine question for some pps who have said that they keep their inheritances separate from their spouses - what do you do with it?

Savings in your own name, fine - but then what? At some point you'll be spending it on something, whether that's retirement or house deposit for the kids etc - I'd consider that to be "joint" spending anyway. What are you doing/planning to do with that money which is solely for your use?

I think the real issue is that you are struggling every month beause you are unfairly splitting things 50-50 when he earns way more. And you have a small debt. He should take on his fair share of the finances and make your life better for you.

However, you have realized that this is never going to happen and that he doesn’t care about you because he hasn’t considered you at all when coming in to this money.

I would maybe give him a bit of time to see if anything changes then walk away, I think his behaviour shoes that he doesn’t care very much, sorry OP.

The problem is that presumably you took out a mortgage taking into account both your salaries, but his is greater than yours. So basically you’re paying half a mortgage which you don’t have the salary to afford. What you should have done was take out a mortgage as though he earned the same as you. That would be affordable and you would be able to make inroads into your debt.
What would happen to the house if you split up? Did one of you pay a deposit?

Why do you also need to chat about chores???

Like many others on here I feel that there is quite a difference between you on money matters. You have incurred your debts on education, you are quite young, yet he earns more but isnt putting more into the pot. Sorry if I missed how old your DP is.

He easily could have paid off your small debt, but has chosen not to.

Thank god you are paying the mortgage.

But frankly I wouldnt recommend long term you having children or staying with this guy.

@FuckFacePlatapus
Your name suits, hardly when her DP is tight as a drum, nasty comment.

@henny
Agreed, come across plenty of them even more so when I divorced, treated as if you’re a leper or going to steal their manky husband 🤣🙄

If my or DH’s inheritance actually materializes instead of being spent on elder care, it will go straight into our retirement fund or help pay for dd’s University education (because they have expressed a desire to help with that). Our parents saved that money their entire lives. I could never justify spending it on something fun. So I don’t think it is unreasonable that a person you are not legally bound to is putting his money into long term investments.

So you are a Gold-digger?

Book I honestly think some women feel superior if they're married. Look at the thread discussing alternatives.

In Australia defacto relationships are recognised by law...and a good thing too! It protects vulnerable people. Anyone who does not want to share assets needn't move in and have children with someone.

@Ginger1982
No need to be condescending I’m well aware of the difference, my point was the nasty attitudes on here towards unmarried couples as if those relationships don’t count and a woman has a cheek to expect to be treated equally. I see it repeatedly and it’s very unpleasant.

There has been nothing from the OP acknowledging his loss

I noticed the same. It's possible of course that the bequest came from someone he wasn't close to - though that seems unlikely with £80k - but all the same I'd have thought there'd be something apart from a focus on the money

To me a mortgage is joint finances. It would be nice of him to clear your debt OP. Then you could at least save for a holiday together. I would do this if it were me, as it's a small amount of the inheritance.

@Bookworm4 because marriage brings with it certain legal protections that living together doesn't and some people do think, rightly or wrongly, that being married shows a far greater commitment than just living together.

Dh inherited some money (a lot less than in the OP if that makes a difference) and it didn't occur to me that he might treat me. It just sat there and then I inherited a bit. Now we need to do some essential home renovations so glad we have the money sitting there and didn't spend it on a trip to NY.

Sounds like you have different attitudes to money and that you are more of a spender, sorry! If you are living beyond your means, that is another issue. And credit card debt (unless 0% interest for the duration) is never a good idea. Can you find a better paying job and put those 2 degrees to use?

If you were on your own, honestly, would you be better or worse off financially?

Very good question there. I was in your position many years ago. My boyfriend was earning 4 times my salary, had paid his mortgages (yes, he had several houses) and his savings were 30 times mine. We were not living together but split things 50/50. He was considerate enough to lower his expenses/lifestyle so we could meet halfway but meeting him halfway was still a big struggle for me while I’m sure he felt, after a while, that I was holding him back.

So everything went to hell when he insisted we needed to buy a house “together” which required for me to sell my house, and put 100% of my equity towards the new house, he would put the same amount towards it pound for pound so we were 50/50.... which effectively meant I put absolutely everything I had while he invested 15% of his assets.

I can tell you OP after we broke up, it took me just three months to fully realise what I always suspected, that financially speaking, I was far better off on my own than sharing expenses 50/50 with him, and that it was costing ME a fortune to try to keep up with his train of non essential expenses.

If your partner lost his job before getting the inheritance would you have been happy to pay for everything? Things like this are why he put the money away

Also could there be a clause in the will about the money

Honestly? Yes, YABU.

I think it is very shallow to feel that you need some sort of substantial “treat” such as a holiday. Some posters seem to suggest that if he loved you that he would automatically indulge you in this way- and if he does not he is either mean/tight-fisted or doesn’t care about you, so you’d be entitled to have a sulk or guilt trip him. I think that would be awful behaviour on your part OP. I think that simply not spending money on a holiday or substantial treat for you does not indicate he doesn’t value your relationship- unless he has history of being a poor partner in other ways to suggest a pattern of disrespectful or unkind behaviour.

Inheritance isn’t something everyone wants to fritter away (even if only a small percentage) on “treats” or holidays. I didn’t when I received a significant inheritance, I wanted to use it in a sensible and useful way. Boring, perhaps, but it is how I felt.

Depending on how the inheritance came about, perhaps he is still processing that- e.g. still grieving or upset about the person he lost and is not ready to spend it. Or perhaps the person who left him the legacy had expressed that it was to be spent on something useful or a specific purpose and he wants to respect that. Or it may even just be that he felt the person had worked very hard for what they had and he should respect that by using the money in a considered and sensible way?

If my Now DH (then DP) had been behaving the save way some posters are suggesting (“i’d have a face on me”, for example) I would have been very upset and quite annoyed- I think it would have changed how I saw him and may have affected our relationship. I’m not saying I would have ended it, but it would have given me doubts.

@hiphopchick you can't have it both ways. Either he hadn't married her, therefore he isn't that committed and is not likely to pay off the debt, or they are a 'couple and a family unit' and he should help her.

The fact they aren't married would make it less likely for him to pay the debt. He could pay it off and she could say 'thanks, bye bye!' Not that I'm saying OP would do that, but not being married would make it far easier for her to walk away.