To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

If they were married I think there would be more of a chance he would put it to the mortgage and she would benefit long term. As not married, he'd be silly to do that.

Why on earth would Op get a lesser share?

If she is paying in less she should take out less. However, I think she said she is paying equally.

As for the inheritance, the law is pretty specific. It is left to the person named in the will. Even a wife wouldn’t have a claim. There are some pretty skewed ideas of property ownership here.

Also there are some strange notions of household finances that shore-up the gender pay gap. People say she should pay less as she earns less. Should she? Would you say the same about, say, splitting cinema tickets? There is a price per person that each person is expected to pay regardless of income.

Marriage would muddy the waters. But he hasn’t asked her to marry him, has he? Personally I don’t think marriage should be a ticket for one person to spend another’s money anyway.

tHe mortgage is a joint debt so if the OP pays less '
against it each month she should be prepared to accept a proportionately reduced share of the equity'.

Unless this has been agreed before hand and assuming they jointly own the property

Why on earth would Op get a lesser share?

@waterrat

I've been paying it back through Step Change for a long time and I'm about a year away from it being gone. He was really angry when he found out about the debt and I promised him then that it would never impact upon him.

I'd never let him just pay it off, I'd obviously pay him back and the interest is frozen through my debt plan so it makes no difference.

Two points. Without going into the legalities of property ownership, tHe mortgage is a joint debt so if the OP pays less against it each month she should be prepared to accept a proportionately reduced share of the equity. If the OP was male and the DP was female, or both were same sex would anyone's views on the fairness or otherwise of sharing the inheritance be different?

It's his money. Even if you were married I would still say it's his as it was left to him as an inheritance not you. If it was intended for you, you would have received an inheritance too. Therefore how he chooses to share it, save it, spend it etc is totally down to him.
If he knows you have credit card debt and he hasn't bailed you out, is there a reason? Maybe he considers you spend thrift, especially if you spend the same amount but he earns twice what you do (I've assumed that means spending other than household bills). Maybe he wants to consider his options so is taking his time or perhaps he has other reasons for wanting to save and invest it. Who knows! We all manage these things differently. I might make suggestions or add to the conversation but ultimately it is down to him.
I agree it might be nice for him to treat you or clear your debt but he's under no obligation to and neither should you expect it. To do so would be very grabby indeed.

Choose which set up you prefer - not making a judgement on anyone who picks one over the other - but don't pretend they are the same thing.
I agree
And don't choose one only to complain you didn't get the perks of the other option (like the thread where someone wanted the inheritance benefits fo marriage whilst maintaining the ability to walks way with her assets if they split, or the threads where women choose to have children and come out of work for 5 years because they don't need a piece of paper to show their love only to complain on MN that they'd not have the same legal protection in the event of a split).

People can, and should, be free to structure their relationships and finances as they see fit. Both parties need to be on the same page or the relationship doesn't work.

I'm not sure why people think it's fair that OP should pay less than half the mortgage when she's enjoying the full benefit of living in a house that she (and presumably her DP pre inheritance) couldn't afford on one salary alone. The OP chose to take on the mortgage; her debts are her own and I'd echo previous posters - her DP might need to process his bereavement AND what to do with a life changing amount of money because it's a big responsibility. It's not her money and she has no claim on it, married or not. Even if she was married, she'd have to get divorced to claim it as part of the marital assets.
One of the most important things that you can do in a relationship is to have the 'money and children' conversation. I suggest the OP starts there, but she might not get the answer she wants.

Completely weird to think you'd only do this if you were married. People who love each other, treat each other. And I rather think that this is the OP's point - except her OH doesn't take that view. It's probably not coincidental that they have only "spoken about marriage". As a pp pointed out, with the 50/50 mortgage arrangement he still sees her as a flatmate with benefits - he's keeping his options open. Marriage is there for those who want to make that commitment, fortunately in this country there is also an option not to make such commitment while still sharing a house. Choose which set up you prefer - not making a judgement on anyone who picks one over the other - but don't pretend they are the same thing.

Sorry,
I forgot for minute this is U.K. site and I am in US——
“Generally, inheritances are not subject to equitable distribution because, by law, inheritances are not considered marital property. Instead, inheritances are treated as separate property belonging to the person who received the inheritance, and therefore may not be divided between the parties in a divorce.”

But even so, I think morally & ethically an inheritance is not a joint asset.

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. Inheritance is not a joint asset or income

That depends on which legal jurisdiction you live and the timing of the inheritance.

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. it is not a joint asset or income

It is actually, legally speaking it is a joint asset if you are married.

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. Inheritance is not a joint asset or income.

*@berlinbabylon
I’m in shock. You really think it Is useless to save for retirement and long term care because you “might not live that long”?! That is a very irresponsible attitude to take which you will regret when scraping by on a measly state pension in forty years or so. If you’d looked at the remaining life expectancy for someone your age, you’d see it’s a minuscule chance you will die before age 67.

And I cannot believe you seriously think that £80k would just be stuffed in a regular savings account with 0.2% interest. It would be invested and have returns closer to 8%pa on average.

Your entire post just screams someone who has no idea how to manage their finances. So of course you advise spending it. It’s one of the mentalities that keep people in poverty tbh.*

Agree completely with everything @DoctorAllcome says. We recently had a wee unexpected £12k windfall and without blinking I just split it between our Vanguard S&S ISAs which I anticipate will achieve 8% over 30 or so years (we're 28) but has achieved 25% in the last two. If DH's parents died and he inherited a few hundred grand I'd give him the space to figure out what he wanted to do, but strongly suspect it'd be put towards early retirement. I don't see anything wrong with valuing long term financial stability and freedom over short lived 'treats'. If my parents passed away I'd also expect to be able to choose what I do with my inheritance. And it'd probably be something 'boring' to others.

Maybe you've just partnered with someone sensible with their money?

Even if married it would still be his money.

This is why you should get married, then it would be the family money (yours and his).

DoctorAllcome
I'm with you.

It hadn't crossed my mind that not buying treats and presents means I don't show DH how much I love him, or him not spending his bonus on taking me on holiday means he doesn't love me, or us putting any generous family gifts into a rainy day/future pot means we aren't team players and don't value each other.

It goes to show why money is such a big cause of splits and divorces when people aren't on the same page.

I still think the inheritance thing is a red herring (some people would head straight for "nice treat for all of us, then think what do do with the rest", others for "put it away for a rainy day, or pay of the mortgage") - the real financial problem is the 50:50 split when they're meant to be in a relationship and one earns twice as much as the other.

As someone said upthread, he's not treating you as a partner OP, he's treating you as a flatmate with benefits.

I wouldn't expect him to pay my debt - but a weekend away or a short trip would be nice. I personally wouldn't stay with someone who isn't generous and doesn't think of us as a team. I always think of what I would do and how I would behave and if my partner doesn't do the same I don't hang around. He seems to be looking after number one. I suggest you do the same

@Lolasmiles,
I feel the same way about this expectation that if their partner (married or not) came into some money they must prove their love by buying them a treat! (Because people who love other people treat them).

The comments about it would be a “sad bloody day” or that they’d pack up and leave because they didn’t get a treat sound very entitled and selfish to me.

Reminds me of the Madonna song “I’m a material girl”

At any rate, I agree people have different spending habits but the only thing wrong would be to pressure your partner into doing what you want with his dead relatives money. It’s predatory and entitled. It comes from a place of jealousy and using justifications of “if you love me, then you would treat me and pay off my debts” are technically emotional blackmail.

It was left to him not you you as a couple. It's his money.

I'm not married, been cohabiting for twenty years. If wither of us came into a chunk of money but didn't treat the other it would be a bloody sad day. I remember DP getting a bonus many years ago and treating me to a fabulous little suitcase (Kipling, still got it, lifetime investment).

Completely weird to think you'd only do this if you were married. People who love each other, treat each other.
And that's fine if you're the sort of couple who are both on the same financial page.

DH and I have never acquired large chunks of money and decided to treat each other. It's not how we do things. We have things we want to achieve and home improvements we want to do in time and we put things into that. Based on your take we musnt love each other because we don't spend lots on presents and treats.

This thread really shows how so many people can't get that different people have equally valid different approaches to money.

40:60 me:him, to be clear

My question would be how you split your outgoings if your partner earns twice as much as you, as this would be the most equitable way of addressing things. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own accounts and have a monthly standing order into a joint account that covers all our outgoings. The monthly transfer is pro rata based on our salaries, for eg if I earned £40k and DH £60k, our contribution would be split 60:40. Every time one of us has a pay rise or promotion we adjust our contributions. If he won’t play fair, don’t have children with him.

Thanks doctor

I think people are missing the fact that different people have different attitudes to money and finances and just because someone does it differently doesn't make them wrong.

Some people are spenders, others are savers, some want a rainy day fund, some live in the moment. Some people join finances after 2 months dating, other married couples I know have separate accounts for life and arrange their spending accordingly, some people would take an inheritance and burn through it to pay the mortgage off, others may want to create a financial cushion for the kids to future kids, others might want it in savings for a future situation, others might use it to get themselves out of a pickle, others might use it to retrain, others might donate some to family. They're all valid.

With no marital contract and separate finances mentally considering how great having no debt would be (paid for by recently deceased relative), how you want a treat such as going to New York (paid for by recently deceased relative) and seeking your partner to be hoarding for not spending the money is quite a bizarre response to me. I feel quite awkward just reading replies about how people would have a face on them if they weren't bought a treat.