To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

robbed yes we have kids. I also don't belive saving money to leave to them either. Obviously any money/the house will go to them when we die. We would help them while we are alive too if we could or they need it when they are older.
But we are not saving money to help adult children!!
We made our lives. My mother helped when she could but didnt.have assets.
We are in a better position but I really do not agree with saving money specifically to help your dc and missing out on stuff while we are all together.

When it’s spent it’s spent. That’s the point. Many consumer goods become worthless the moment you spend them. What about when you suddenly lose your income? You will need that money then.

@Iusedtobecarmen do you have kids? Because a priority of mine is to help them and eventually leave money to them. Not just spend the lot on myself!

It's a bit like lottery winners who say it won't change their life. What s the point in having bloody big lumps of money to store up. Some people are so boring. You could drop dead tomorrow and money would then go to someone else enjoy yourselves i say!

OP yanbu
Your dp sounds weird and tight!!
You have been together 6yrs. Being married Is irrelevant as you have a house together so are clearly committed

I've been with my dp 20plus yrs, not married ,but every bit as committed as a married couple. In fact,we have been together a lot longer than most people I know who have been married.

That's another story.
Anyway,an inheritance apart from the obvious upset at having lost someone,is a bonus. Money you havent worked for. Extra money.
To save the whole 80k and not want to do something is odd to me.
I'm not a saver though. I want to enjoy my life now. Not bloody invest it to leave to someone else!!
Imo if he's too tight to buy himself anything or has no interest, then at the least he should pay off your debts and treat you +++. Certainly take you away to somewhere you would like to go.
He could still save 70k
Still bizarre to me. I'd expect my dP to share it with me and I would share money with him too.

If I inherited money I would put most of it aside in the bank for rainy days. But I would treat myself and DH (maybe a dinner, a trip or buying some clothes) because I love him and nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy. DH is the same.
We've shared our finances since the day we started living together. I cannot be in a serious relationship where a future (including finances) is not planned as a couple/team. It wouldn't work for me.

@IdiotInDisguise I'm E&W I understand that's often true but I think there are some situations where it could be disregarded. It's not the same in Scotland for example. There, inheritances don't firm part of matrimonial property unless it's used for the benefit of both parties.

Mid 30s I meant. Dp is 42.......either ways. We've both benefitted from it now. And he wouldn't have dreamed of asking for any of it

Why ??

I hoarded the money my mum left me when she died for 12 years......, dp didn't get any of it...,....it's benefitted him in the long term. I'm mid 40s. And the house we bought together is paid for. He now puts the money that used to go into our mortgage into his pension.

@Confusedbeetle but how did that happen if it was yours?

Having read more replies now, I think people are reacting without considering there are two separate issues here.

1. Should money be spent or saved.
2. Should money be retained or shared.

With regard to 1, I'm a saver, but there are clearly people on this thread with a "spending reflex" who think some should be spent, they're berating him for not spending on her when it hasn't even registered with them that for some people, spending is not an automatic reaction to income. They've not noticed he's not treating himself, either.

With regard to sharing, I don't think there should be ad hoc decisions when money comes in, for the avoidance of angst and conflict there should be agreed standing rules that govern this. And the standing rules in OP relationship is that they are completely financially independent, so even if they were both savers, I think it's fine that it's his savings it goes into.

I think the 50:50 division of expenses is fine for some circumstances, but both should ask themselves if they would stop living with the other person if they couldn't pay their share, and when the answer comes back no for both, that's the time to switch to something that copes better with discrepancies, such as making proportional contributions.

It’s not hoarding to put money aside for a rainy day. People can be made redundant or become ill. Money is security. You are not married and this may not be a long-term relationship. So it isn’t yours. And marriage isn’t a one-way street. If you inherited or won the lottery or got a better job would you be prepared to share? Would you support him if he got into debt or bail him out? Because it rather seems like you would have already spent everything and wouldn’t have anything to fall back on. Holidays go pretty quickly and cost a lot. Savings take a lifetime to accumulate.

It’s his money to do what he wants with

I'd say this thread shows very clearly why things often work best if a couple share a similar financial status ... or if they don't, that they can at least come to an arrangement which suits both

While it's perhaps a shame to have to think in mercenary terms, very few relationships come with a 100% guarantee and that "kindness" we all expect can have a way of changing if things go wrong

What's that old saying about "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" ...?

OP, we need some clarification here, is your partner grief stricken because he has lost a loved one or was this inheritance from someone with whom he was not particularly close?

I have recently inherited 700K after the death of my parents. It is family money, end of. We have moved house and we are in the process of investing it using a wealth management firm.

However, we are married. I'm not sure if I'd feel differently if it was 'just' a partner - depends on whether you have kids, length of time together, how relationship is in general.

In your case I'd be speaking to him about it. Him keeping it for himself is an indicator of how he views your relationship in my opinion

Martha I was speaking in very general terms without going into the legalities of property ownership . I agree, if the property is held on a joint tenacy then both OP and DP have an equal but as yet undefined interest in the equity and if as tenants in common, a defined interest. But the OP can't have it both ways; either she pays equally as a joint tenanat or agrees to the joint tnenacy being severed and accepts a lesser defined share as a tenant in common.

Haven't read the whole thread. I notice that he hasn't spent any money on a treat for himself, either. An unexpected chunk of money has come in, he's dealt with it the same way he would deal with any chunk of money, and got on with his life.

I would be the same. The idea that receiving money should trigger some sort of spending reflex is totally alien to me. I have some idea of what I consider reasonable spending in the overall context of my life, what I have coming in or in savings or investments has very little bearing on spending decisions.

I think there is a real difference in attitudes to money here.

Some people have always lived hand-to-mouth, never had a serious prospect of doing better, see money as something that just flows past them. Even when income becomes sufficient for there to be a gap between income and outgoings that could result in accumulation of capital, their habits are such that they just think, oh good, more spending, and nothing changes.

On the other hand, people who've made a conscious decision to accumulate will see every item of spending as something that delays them reaching their goal, for them there's always a good alternative to the spending tempting them now, they have to decide which they want more.

I got an inheritance and it disappeared into joint finances. I was not impressed. Luckily I gave some to the children first

He sounds mean.
I'd take this opportunity to break up with him, to be honest.

MadMadMad
But crucially you and your DH are on the same page regarding finances, have chosen to share finances and have freely married with all the protection and responsibility that entails.

The fact you'd be putting your inheritance into a savings pot for the future is, according to some on this thread, a sign you don't love your DH because people who love each other buy treats for each other, they'd have a face on them if their DH/P came into money and didn't buy them something or take them on holiday.
Add to that the fact you're putting it for a rainy day and the future is apparently hoarding money according to some.
And inheritance is apparently designed to be spent because if you're not spending it then it's pointless saving and it may as well all have gone to the donkey sanctuary

You sound like you've got a similar outlook to me and DH, but I think most of that approach comes from the fact that yours and your DH's financial priorities and attitudes are aligned.

He is lucky he is financially comfortable, yes it's more of an up hill battle for you but don't let resentment kick in.
His family are comfortable probably cos they are very cautious with money. I am, have saved up a lot, could enjoy some if it but won't, why? I've seen how peoples finances can change for the worse very quickly and seen how debt can spiral, I find it terrifying.
I intend to ensure it last, if I die before it's all gone it will be passed on to kids etc, hopefully they will build on it take great security from it etc

You've been together a few years but you are very young still and have no plans to get married but already have a mortgage but otherwise have separate finances. Is that right? If he was my child I'd encourage him to do exactly what he's done, put the money in savings. If he'd put it in the mortgage I'd suggest protecting it by becoming tenants in common rather than having a joint tenancy. I assume that is what you have at the moment? Conversely, if you're not on the mortgage you need to change that since you are paying into it, you don't want to be left with nothing if the relationship ends. Basically, forget about romance and think of marriage as a legal contract that sets out your rights and responsibilities. And don't even think about having kids and reducing your working hours unless you are married.

Anyway, his inheritance. Depending who left it to him he might find it hard to spend it immediately so putting it in savings is sensible while he processes his grief. But also, you are not married and have no say over it so don't be grumpy about it but do sort out the inequalities in your relationship, share the housework and discuss changing how you pay for shared costs, e.g. DH and I have put in different amounts of money into the joint account depending who earns what so we both have the same amount of playing money. But we have been married 20 years and have 3DC so the commitment is a bit greater than it was when we were 26. If your DP won't discuss housework and changing finances then maybe you need to decide if he's really the one because inevitably that will get worse as you become more tied to each other.

DH is never going to inherit anything but I may do depending on circumstances. It has never occurred to me that it would be "my" money, it is our money and will go straight in to the joint account for us to use for our retirement.
We may be odd but from the day we married we had totally joint finances and the only money we consider "me money" is birthday money we receive from family which we use on a treat for ourselves.

Also there are some strange notions of household finances that shore-up the gender pay gap

Its nothing to do with the gender pay gap its about what is fair within a shared life. Why should the OP be struggling financially to subsidise the lifestyle of someone who earns double her salary? That is in effect what she is doing at the moment.

There are some pretty skewed ideas of property ownership here.

Again - it depends on where you live. Not alll jurisdictions manage this in the same way.