To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

Why exactly are posters talking legally I wonder?!!
OP isn't asking what her rights are legally!!
Yeah legally she can't claim anything. But she is asking if her expectations are unreasonable in thinking her fella might like to share some of his massive amount of money with her, or at least help her be debt free.
Nothing legal . Just kindness from some tight wad who expects his gf to fork out the same as him even though she earns less. And as soon as he gets some cash he stashes it.

It sounds like the OP DP has made the decision. Sounds like it suits him that basically he can call the shots as he's in a better position financially. I'd be telling him stick the lot up his arse
I disgaree. In most cases, people are free to enter into relationships and maintain them and leave of their own accord. If the OP Is unhappy with the situation then she is free to leave and find someone she is on the same page as.
I say the same on threads where people who aren't married get annoyed at advice about protecting themselves financially before having children and sacrificing everything. If he isn't willing to marry you/put deeds on the house / is pushing you to give up work with no security then you have to decide if that's a gamble you take, but if you take that gamble don't complain later about not having the legal backing of marriages

Personally, I think the OP is better leaving and they are both better being in relationships where they're on the same page regarding finances.

Ok I’ll try again.

Why should someone have to carry out the moral obligations ( treated the same was a wife ) if they have specifically chosen to live together without such obligations?

6 yrs with someone and a joint mortgage and she s not a life partner?

Being with someone for six years or having a mortgage with someone doesn't automatically equal life partners if there are no children. It depends on how they both see it. I don't think I considered DH a life partner after six years and while we didn't have a mortgage I don't think it would have made a difference.

Except everyone else IS talking legally because that's the difference.

Anything else is down to how the COUPLE choose to manage their finances.

Based on this thread DH and I can't love each other because we don't buy each other treats and people who love each other treat each other. (It couldn't possibly be that two adults have an agreed and different approach to money).

To treat someone as a wife/husband doesn't exist: either they both enter the contract and have the legal tie or they don't.

Choosing to buy treats Vs not
Joint account Vs separate accounts Vs both types
Wanting to save Vs spend
Wanting to go on holiday to new York with your partner's inheritance Vs put it away for a rainy day
Spend it now Vs save for later
Expecting presents when acquiring a large amount of money Vs not

None of those have anything to do with marital status and have everything to do with how the couple choose to arrange their finances.

Someone who doesn't ask their wife what present they woukd like isn't treating their wife as a flatmate any more than someone who said to their partner "shall we go to Paris" is treating their partner like a wife.

Olga
I'm not talking about contractual obligations!!
I'm saying that if you presumably love someone to commit to a long term relationship with someone and buy a house why wouldn't you want to share a huge sum of money so that you both benefit.

lola
It sounds like the OP DP has made the decision. Sounds like it suits him that basically he can call the shots as he's in a better position financially. I'd be telling him stick the lot up his arse

Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!

How can you think it’s morally or legally right to impose the contractual obligations of marriage on people who don’t want them and didn’t sign up to them ? How has the state got the right to do that ?

Yes I know legally it's not the same. I'm not talking legally though.
A 6 year relationship and he doesn't ask her if there's something she would like or take her on holiday,pay her debts so they are both in a better position??
I think it's odd that so many think it's not your debt so tough shit,just struggle on when it's someone you love!!

Iusedtobecarmen
You hit the nail on the head when you've said the OP and her partner aren't on the same page.
Like you, I couldn't be with someone who had such differing attitudes to money.

I disagee that the marriage comments are ridiculous though. Nobody is saying a long term relationship is worth less than someone married after a fortnight. They're pointing out that with a legal contract there's a different set of rules on assets and money. How people in marriages or relationships run their finances day to day is neither here nor there and is up to the couple. Two people married can share finaces and both agree on an approach to spending large sums of money, so can two people cohabiting. Two people can agree separate finances but believe in treats and their marital status doesn't come into it.

Some married couples have separate finances, the OP and her DP have separate finaces. The bottom line is that the rights and responsibilities surrounding assets are not the same in those situations precisely because of the differing legal status.

By choosing to cohabit, not get married and to keep their finances separate, the OP and her DP have made a choice to structure their relationship and finances in that way.

@Iusedtobecarmen

So my relationship is less significant that someone who has been married to someone for 6 mths?!!
No it's not less significant - to you or the general population - but legally, yes it is. My BIL has been with his partner for 10 years but they are not married. She is leaving herself extremely vulnerable, epecially as they have DC

Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!

But legally she is not in the same position and would not be treated the same financially if they split. He’s managing to hoard cash and avoid debt because he’s spending a smaller proportion of his wages than she is and if they split he would come off much better than her.

woodchuck
Crazy comments.
6 yrs with someone and a joint mortgage and she s not a life partner?
What is she then?a business partner
Long term relationship and a house?Being married and no kids is irrelevant. It sounds like they have made a huge commitment. Or rather she has.
And 5k debt is hardly the worst thing in the world. He could pay that off for the person he loves. And still have a huge sum of money left.

lola
Yes I'm in favour of spending not saving. Though if I had 80k come my way I wouldnt blow the lot. It seems like op partner is a definite storer-upper . Thats fine,but it seems like the OP isn't on the same page.
I couldn't be with someone who had such different views to money.
The marriage comments are ridiculous. Being someone's girlfriend/partner for 6 yrs is not some casual thing!she should be treated the same way as a a wife!
Like I said,I've been with my dP for well over 20 yrs. So my relationship is less significant that someone who has been married to someone for 6 mths?!!

Before DH and I were married I earned more than him so I paid more in bills.

After we got married my health deteriorated and DH covered everything while I set up my business.

After we were married for 7 years my mum died. My whole inheritance went into a house (roughly 50%). I’m now a SAHM to our disabled twins, working very very part time. I contribute what I can, DH covers the rest.

I can’t imagine living in a situation where DH earns twice what I do but contributes the same and has excess cash while I have debt, even before we were married. You’re wasting so much on interest. At the very least he should pay it off and you put the same amount into his savings every month.

I voted YABU but I don’t mean it harshly. You shouldn’t expect him to share it, but I too would be disappointed at him not planning or offering one joint treat or special purchase. I know I would treat my DH in the same situation. In fact I am due a decent, perhaps similar sum from a different source in a year or so. I’ve already been thinking about using 10k to take DH to an expensive long haul destination that he has dreamed of since being a little boy, for the trip of a lifetime.

I think me and my DH must be in the minority with how we share our finances. We have been together 17 years and as soon as we were engaged we opened a joint account to start saving for a home together. I was at uni at the time so only DH's wages and whatever I could save went it to it. When I dropped out of uni and got a job both our wages were paid into it. We have been married 14 years now and both our wages go in the joint account. Once we have worked out how much we need for bills what ever is left is divided between our various accounts (housekeeping, savings, personal spends etc). Any money that comes in whether it comes to him or me is seen as 'ours'. Any large sums are discussed about how best to spend/save but we both decide. DH won £30 recently and first thing he did was ask me what it should be spent on - I replied that I needed petrol and we went and filled my car up. no hesitation, no 'But I won it' from DH.
What's his is mine and what's mine is his. And If I received a large inheritance tomorrow the first thing I'd do is repay as much of our debts as possible (credit cards/mortgage etc), not just mine but DH's as well and then treat him however I could because he is my partner and I love him. And I know he feels/thinks exactly the same

It's not that you have any right to his money you don't, it's more the way that he doesn't want to 'share the love' he wants to bask in his good fortune, he has the enjoyment satisfaction and sense of security that comes from having a big lump sum in his bank account...no one is disputing that it is his money and you have no entitlement to it, the problem is that he doesn't want you to have any feeling of good fortune or good luck not even a token gesture.
He wants to keep you down there in the poor relation position.

@RubbingHimSourly

I hoarded the money my mum left me when she died for 12 years......, dp didn't get any of it...,....it's benefitted him in the long term. I'm mid 40s. And the house we bought together is paid for. He now puts the money that used to go into our mortgage into his pension

If he’s actually your partner and not your husband then this is a bad move . Your mum’s inheritance will effectively go straight to him if you split up. Because he gets half the house but you get none of his pension.

To be fair, you should take that extra money each month and put half into each of your pensions.

It seems odd that you expect him to give you anything considering that you are in debt and he hasn't helped you on that. You aren't married and you don't have children so there is no reason why he should share finances at this stage. It doesn't mean that he won't share in the future but he doesn't see you as a life partner yet.

You're not married so you've got no right to expect so to speak. Especially not to pay off your credit card. It's not a joint card. It's yours.

That being said, it's really, really odd that you've not received a token gesture of something, seeing as this isn't a 6mth "we're just dating" scenario. But that also greatly depends on the following....

There is real significance in his decision based on who/how the inheritance came about. If my mum passed away unexpectedly and I got an inheritance, I'd be so distraught that I wouldn't even be thinking about what I need to spend on. If a distant/estranged great aunt died and surprised me with a lump sum, I'd see it much more as a windfall to enjoy and subject to the amount, treat myself and those I loved, married or not.

Imo if he's too tight to buy himself anything or has no interest, then at the least he should pay off your debts and treat you +++. Certainly take you away to somewhere you would like to go
Yes, if someone doesn't wish to spend their inheritance they should totally go and spend it on treats for someone else and buy them things and take them on holiday.

It's clear that you are in favour of spending rather than saving and that's ok. We all manage money and finances differently. The problem is deciding that because you would choose to spend money that anyone who doesn't is not only tight but should still go spending on someone else.

YABU. Youatebt married. Your credit card bills are your business. I

I’ve had a couple of small inheritances. In each case I bought something “big” (a sewing machine and kitchen aid) to use and remember them, some into savings and some off the mortgage. The first time I also paid for a holiday to California.
DH probably ended up paying just as much for the holiday as me as he picked up most of the day to day expenses when we were away. The mortgage money has benefited him though...

robbed
Presumably the op wasn't expecting this cash. Most people surely do not have a random 80k saved in case you lose your job??