To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

YABU

He has lost someone and inherited money for HIM to use as he pleases. Savings, that is for both of you in the long run. Being frivolous would result in it going down the pan.

He clearly knows you are shite with money given your credit card debt.

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank

Why does he have to surprise you? Why do you feel like you are owed something from this inheritance. Absolute CF

Tight and joyless. OP, is he miserable in other ways too?

LolaSmiles - makes them tight as a duck's arse in my eyes and I can see what the OP feels a bit put out. Yes, its his choice entirely to do what he wants but for god sake if you cant enjoy yourself with a windfall then whats the point!!
So anyone who doesn't spend how you do is tight?

Not everyone wants to go spending. It's just a different but valid way to approach finances.

He presumably already can spend money on enjoying himself if he earns twice as much as OP. Not really surprising that he is saving the windfall.

LolaSmiles - makes them tight as a duck's arse in my eyes and I can see what the OP feels a bit put out. Yes, its his choice entirely to do what he wants but for god sake if you cant enjoy yourself with a windfall then whats the point!! You're a long time dead.

All our money is joint money regardless of whether it is from salary, bonus or inheritance. We also ensure we both have the same personal money each month regardless of salary level.

I inherited a similar amount of money, when my partner and I were poor and struggling. I saved it all, we tightened our belts even further and 7 years later we are married, own our own house with a very small mortgage, and work 3 days a week each. If we had treated ourselves or had that sort of attitude we would be in a different position now, with good memories but a much more uncertain future. Saving can bring huge benefits, your partner sounds sensible!

I wouldn't be able to enjoy a treat like, say, a trip to New York if I had a credit card debt. My upbringing has left me with a massive fear of 'living beyond my means', even if someone else is paying. But I accept that that's just me.

I dont see why him earning more than her means thathe should pay more. Once the decision was made to split the finances fairly, then the costs are the same whatever she/he earns. Why is he being mean spirited not to subsidise her lifestyle, for sure this is once again a hypocritical stance made by many who wouldnt dream of saying the same if the genders were reversed.
It seems to me that you are probably a bit flaky with cash though as you have £5k of credit card debits but your first thought is a trip to NY.
I would say though that if the finances are split like this , than all chores should be too.

I think in this case tgey aren't just tenants but boyfriend and girlfriend

It doesn't matter whether they are boyfriend or girlfriend! They aren't married and if they are tennants in common which sounds quite likely then legally each one owns a share in the property and they haven't necessarily made a huge commitment to each other.

I am curious why you would 1. have a joint mortgage but 2. only have "spoken of" marriage. To me, that sounds as if you, OP, would like to be married, but that somehow that sounded too extreme a commitment--but somehow, sharing a mortgage wasn't?

I can see why you are 5k in debt.
I think he's being sensible. Just because you have inherit some money doesn't mean you have to rush to spend it.

user
That's great if that's what you would do.
Someone not doing that isn't wrong nor doe sit make them tight.

I might decide I would cover the mortgage for a year and spend a year travelling. I might decide to split it up between family. I might decide to give the whole lot to the donkey sanctuary. I might decide that I'd pay of all DH's hypothetical debt. I might save the whole lot.

None of that matters because someone else may choose differently and it's just as valid. Nobody would have any grounds to be entitled to anything and I'd have no time for anyone who decided my decisions were tight because it wasn't how they wanted it spending

If I'd just got 80K, I would treat my boyfriend to an amazing holiday somewhere exotic. He sounds tight.

Ah
He sounds like a saver not a spender
So has made the dull but sensible decision.

If he otherwise nice I would not get too offended xx

Woodchuck
I think in this case tgey aren't just tenants but boyfriend and girlfriend
ginger
I perhaps would have got married
Not adverse to it. Just didn't get around to it I guess.
Our house together and having children most important thing
Not massively fussed about spending money (Even a small amount) on a wedding. We have been together 25 yrs and lived together for most of that so lasted longer than most other couples.
Getting married wouldn't even cross my mind now.
We have been through various money situations over the years good and bad. And both supported each other.

Long term relationship and a house?Being married and no kids is irrelevant. It sounds like they have made a huge commitment. Or rather she has.

A mortgage isn't necessarily a "huge commitment" to each other. They might be tennants in common for example and their ownership completely separate.

@Iusedtobecarmen I'm interested as to why you've chosen not to get married. Is it for religious reasons or you just don't like the idea?

After your latest posts YABU for expecting a treat but YWDNBU for expecting to split the joint household costs proportionately in line with your massive income disparity! If this has been the set up for some time, I wouldn't ask for any of the inheritance but use it to steer a conversation about how unfair it is that you both work full time and you are paying half yet earn half of what he has (never mind that he's also got plenty in the bank).

I think that's just cruel personally. I couldn't do that to someone I love, watch them struggle each month on half the income I have just to pay "half" so I have even more left over.

If he was reluctant to marry you before, he’ll be even more cautious now

Sadly, you're probably right ... though TBF OP has since said she's not so convinced about marrying now as she "not sure if it's the right thing for her"

do you have kids? Because a priority of mine is to help them and eventually leave money to them. Not just spend the lot on myself

Nobody is saying spend the lot. A trip somewhere nice for a few days (could be New York, could be a European city) would cost from about £1500 depending on where it is and whether you fly business etc. The OP's partner has £80K. There would be a great deal left over for a rainy day. But even if you think that is frivolous, paying off (part of) the mortgage isn't.

As for "leaving" kids something, I'd rather give them some money when they actually need it, rather than making them wait for it until I die. I can't see the point at all of sitting on money until you die. Give it to them now or when they need it eg for uni maintenance or house deposit or just to get them over their first month when they start their first proper job and have to wait to be paid.

Actually I've just remembered something else I bought with my inheritance - about £2000 worth of new furniture, too. None of the money was wasted, but it didn't just go into the bank to earn 20p a year interest.

Because if you take away the legal contract then expectations within a relationship are between the couple.

They've chosen to have separate finances.
They've both had the option to combine and haven't
They could have married and haven't
They're on different pages with regards to money

In that situation is the expectations of your debt paid off, treats and a trip to New York reasonable when the person who has just inherited isnt spending any of it (not like he's on some big spending spree on himself) reasonable? No. It's not.

Some people may have combined finances and be on the same page financially and both feel a big trip is what they need. And that's also totally ok.

What's not ok are people deciding that couples who wouldn't take their partner/spouse on trips away, buy treats etc mustn't love their partners or see them as flatmates because buying things for your partner is a sign of love.

Ultimately, the OP has to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship when they have such differing views on finances.

Olga
I dont know.
Do people get married for security then?
We have chosen not to get married. But have made a lifelong commitment by having a house and children together.
I certainly don't feel any less secure. We are more or less on the same page with money. I cant imagine either of us would keep large sums of money to ourselves. We would look at hòw we could use it in the house or for holidays , the dc or even close relatives if they needed it

If he was reluctant to marry you before, he’ll be even more cautious now. Sorry OP. It seems as if you want different things.

Your post sounds like you're expecting him to pay off your £5k credit card debt- it's his money to do what he wants with