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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

411 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 18:27

Does marriage make such a difference? What if a couple had been together for decades but never married? I know it’s his money, that’s what I said. I don’t therefore expect him to give me any but would be nice if he did. And no I’m not in debt because I’m a ‘frivolous’ spender but because the two degrees I did crippled me & the cost of living in this country is high - we pay the mortgage/bills 50/50, once I have paid my share plus bus pass/food shop/loan and credit card repayments, I really don’t have much left at all.

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 15/09/2019 18:26

In your position, I might ask him to loan me the money to pay off my credit card and pay him back each month interest fee. He would be within his rights to say no though.

NearlyGranny · 15/09/2019 18:23

Of course you have no right to expect anything, but after six years and with a mortgage I would say it's NU for him to put a chunk towards the mortgage! He will probably find, if he investigates, that the interest racking up on the house debt is more than his investment will accrue, so one will cancel out the other.

I'm not in finance, but I understand paying down a mortgage is always the smartest thing to do with a lump sum.

Did he take advice, I wonder?

Bellsofstclements · 15/09/2019 18:21

You're not married so it's his money. Maybe he hasn't made any real decisions yet? I had a sizeable inheritance and didn't know what to do with it for months.

ElspethFlashman · 15/09/2019 18:19

Sorry, but no way am I sharing my inheritance with someone I don't share finances with.

misspiggy19 · 15/09/2019 18:18

YABU- you are not married and it is his money to do with as he pleases. I would do the same as him and put it in savings.

YouJustDoYou · 15/09/2019 18:17

I'd have no expectations at all. YBU.

CookPassBabtridge · 15/09/2019 18:17

Can't relate to this at all.. my inheritance is my partners and vice versa. It's a shared pot.. we're a family.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 18:16

I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me

That'll be why you're in debt then.

This ^^

You’re not married so you keep separate finances. Fair enough.

Whether you’re happy with that and the wealth inequality is another thing.

You’ve ‘spoken about marriage’?
I think you might want to explore if this is serious or if he has no intention of sharing money (not just expenses) 50-50 as husband and wife.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 18:15

@EskewedBeef but why should he pay off her debt?

Thehouseintheforest · 15/09/2019 18:14

He has 'mentioned marriage'... ok so how about she actually MARRIES you

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 18:14

It's hard because a treat would lovely, however if you are 6 years in, not married and have separate finances ultimately it's up to him.

He earns double what you earn but you spend the same, you have thousands in credit card debt but want him to say "I've inherited so let's go to New York". That is more than a little treat.

Talking about marriage means nothing (as many threads on MN show). As it stands you have separate finances and different expectations on money. Money is one of the biggest factors in divorce. I'd let him do what he wants with his inheritance and spend some time reflecting on whether your attitudes on it align

NotStayingIn · 15/09/2019 18:14

I wouldn’t be expecting anything but like you I think it would be a lovely gesture if he did pay for some sort of treat for the two of you to enjoy together. Nothing huge, say spend around £1k so he can save £79k. I think I would also be disappointed like you. And yes of course he doesn’t need to, but he can treat you both so surely that would be a really loving gesture.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 18:14

On the one hand, you've been together a while and have a joint mortgage so you might expect him to use some of the money towards the mortgage or a holiday.

However on the other hand you're not married and have no kids. It's his money and he could be reasonably thinking that your debt, for example, isn't his problem.

You shouldn't have pound signs in your eyes.

minesagin37 · 15/09/2019 18:12

I inherited 120k and bought us a new house and it's just our money. I don't think of it as mine and his.

EskewedBeef · 15/09/2019 18:12

He's being very stupid to let you struggle to manage the debt while there is cash available. You'll be paying far more in interest than he can earn on it.

Have you suggested he chuck a few grand your way? Have you always been strictly separate with your finances?

Lifecraft · 15/09/2019 18:12

I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me

That'll be why you're in debt then.

monkeysox · 15/09/2019 18:11

Why doesn't he pay a chunk off your mortgage and you signed a declaration of trust to protect his investment.
You'd both be better off each month.
It's unfair if your paying 50/50 of everything if his wages are very much higher than yours. Is that why you have debts now?

Happypelican · 15/09/2019 18:11

You shouldn’t expect anything he can do whatever he pleases with it. I’m due a substantial inheritance my partner wouldn’t expect anything from it not that I wouldn’t treat but my parents left it for me not to pay off someone’s debt.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2019 18:11

Do you earn differing amounts? How are the bills split? What did you use your c/c for?

Petrichor11 · 15/09/2019 18:11

If it was a close relative and a recent death, is he just grieving and feels unable to enjoy the money right now, because he’d rather have his relative?

But in the end, it’s his money, it’s his choice.

BringTheBounceBack · 15/09/2019 18:10

I’m afraid I’m in the “you’re not married” camp

Medianoche · 15/09/2019 18:09

Should say ‘to only spend it on certain things or in certain ways’

Medianoche · 15/09/2019 18:08

Inheritance is not a lottery win or a work bonus. It’d be a rare case if there wasn’t some grief involved. There can also be a sense of obligation to only spend it, and a lot will depend on the memories of the person who has died. Investing it allows you to defer the decisions until your head clears and you feel ready to commit to what you actually want to spend the money on.
He might just not be ready to spend any of the money yet. Don’t take it personally; it’s not unusual.

FizzyPink · 15/09/2019 18:08

I agree with previous posters that you’re not entitled to any of this money but I just can’t get my head around coming into that amount and not wanting to do something nice for the person I love.
I appreciate I am overly generous and love treating people but I do wonder whether this is an indication of quite a mean personality. I’d be wary and having a lot of talks before having children/going on maternity leave with this man.