To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

Differences in attitudes towards money is one of the key reasons couples divorce, so it's worth ironing out any differences before making a longer term commitment. The different responses on this thread show the posters' different attitudes to money. Let's take me and two of my friends as an example:

Me - If I got an inheritance I'd put it all straight into savings or think about paying off the mortgage.

Friend A - She'd blow some on treats and put the rest into savings or investments.

Friend B - She'd blow the lot extravagantly.

So what happens if the people above have to share finances? They argue, that's what, or they get resentful, because they have different attitudes.

I'm not saying marriage can't work if you're not with the same financial type, but you need to be open about your different financial attitudes and learn to compromise if you're going to share finances.

You're not wrong and he's not wrong, you're just different.

BUT I do think you need to point out to him that watching you struggle to pay 50:50 (and pay off debts) when he earns double and you're supposed to be a partnership is waaaaay over on the stingy side! And you might need to ask yourself whether you want to stay long term with someone who isn't generous to his partner or willing to share his money and lifestyle.

JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate
I think it depends on your attitude to money. I'm similar to you.
DH and I agreed any inheritance (or family gifts of a good size) is for the beneficiary to decide what happens with but we will discuss family priorities. We own a house together and are married. We have similar expectations and are on the same page with money.

If we weren't married and didn't have shared finances then I would feel exceptionally awkward expecting to profit from any inheritance from a partner (which is what it would be if I told them they should pay out mortgage down). That's theirs to use as they see fit.

If I was on a different financial page to a partner and they expected me to fund some treats for them and holidays and started saying the thought of being debt free was amazing for them, they said my decision not to spend my inheritance was hoarding, then that would highlight that our financial differences were as much attitude driven than numerical value differences and it would leave me evaluating the relationship.

I should add “maintenance” of the house. Not child maintenance! The point being we didn’t do anything “fun” with the money, not even a fancy bottle of wine.

I'm so saddened at people who are talking about "rights" to the money. Of course OP doesn't have a "right", but what has happened to kindness?

I agree it's a shame, but perhaps in an age of entitlement some have come to feel that they're only too easily screwed over?

As so many PPs have said, you only have to look at the glaring double standards on MN to understand that men in particular might think this way. Of course, some are pretty good at screwing partners over themselves ... but then, so are some women

I agree completely with @LolaSmiles. Maybe it’s also the fact it’s inheritance - both my DH and I have inherited similar (and in DH’s case much larger) sums in the last couple of years. Neither of us bought anything for ourselves and invested it all or paid for maintenance. The investments are joint (or 50:50 for our ISAs) but we are married - I wouldn’t expect anything from a partner nor would I have given him any of my inheritance had we not been married.

I'd be less worried about the inheritance OP and more worried about the 50/50 split despite a huge discrepancy in income.

I've no idea what you both earn, but if you are managing 50% of the bills without increasing the debt, I would have thought it wouldn't take much sacrifice on his part to pay a little more (on a month by month basis) to allow you to service your debt more effectively.

Now DH and I knew several couples in our 20s who lived very different lifestyles within a relationship and always found it rather odd. I don't know if that's the case for you, or if he's just stashing away his unspent cash each month because he's massively tight.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship
This
Agree with the sense of obligation, re spending wisely. Maybe this was some one close and their entire life savings. I can imagine the recipient wanting to spend it wisely and not frivolously.
This.

It's all well and good people bleating on about how kind it would be to pay off OP's debts or go on a fancy trip as a treat, but most people don't get inheritance following a loss and then think "right so I'll use my recently deceased relative's money to clear DP'd debt from their choice to go to uni and live somewhere with high living costs and then I'll pay for us to jet off to New York because they deserve a treat".

As others have said the obvious thing to do with the inheritance would be to pay the mortgage down. Is he not doing this because the mortgage is in both your names? That would be a red flag for me.
It absolutely isn't a logical thing to do if not married as it means that he's effectively handing over 50% of his inheritance to someone he doesn't share finances with and has chosen not to enter into a legal contract with.
It's only a red flag if you're someone not in a legal agreement who thinks the person should hand them a cheque for half their dead relative's assets.

If anything I'd be running a million miles away from anyone who expected that.

He's investing money. How is that selfish? It's sensible. Obviously helping you pay off your high interest credit card debt would be good, but maybe he resents you for incurring it.

I think you are thinking from your point of view, if it happened to you then you'd want to take him away which isn't a bad thing, but I wouldn't be disappointed that he hasn't, maybe he doesn't want to yet, maybe he is saving it for a wedding/honeymoon. Like others have said prob a lot of emotions attached atm too. Did he know he was going to inherit all this money? Most people would never have had such a big lump sum at once like that and maybe doesn't know what he wants to do yet

I think it's fucking tight not to treat the person you're supposed to love to even a little something when you've just received £80k.

That's very mean. Even a holiday wouldn't make a big dent! YANBU

Hi OP I don't think you are being unreasonable...the fact that you have a mortgage together shows that the relationship is a long term relationship and is a big commitment together. When I first moved in with my DH (we weren't married at that point) I had some credit card debts and he paid the rent for the first 7 months while I paid my debts off and once I had paid my debts off I paid my share of the rent....we also agreed that he would pay a larger part of the rent and bills because he earned significantly more than I did. Definitely think you need to have a conversation about splitting the rent/bills more fairly seen as you earn less x

Also a conversation about sharing housework would be good but that’s another story...

It sounds like another branch of the same story to me.

By the way, whether marriage is "for you" or not, if you decide to have children with Mr Tightarse, for god's sake get married first. You don't need a fat white dress and a church, just sign the piece of paper.

Agree with the sense of obligation, re spending wisely. Maybe this was some one close and their entire life savings. I can imagine the recipient wanting to spend it wisely and not frivolously.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

Exactly.

I enjoy all the comments about “well you’re not married”
YANBU OP. Remember this. You’re good enough to have a mortgage with and split costs 50/50 but no more. He is showing you who he is right now. Believe him. Might be time to move on.
I recently came into a small sum of money. My DH (obviously being married makes all the difference ) had had his eye on some new shoes. I treated him. Because I love him. And we are partners in life.

Apologies for not reading the entire thread but clearly the issue here isn't that you are not getting a one-off treat but your finances are set up unfairly. In a committed relationship I'd expect a split on joint bills and outgoings based on your different salaries - not a 50:50 split.

As others have said the obvious thing to do with the inheritance would be to pay the mortgage down. Is he not doing this because the mortgage is in both your names? That would be a red flag for me.

I think you need to sit down and decide if you want this relationship to go further and if yes have joint finances and possibly get married.

If after six years there is no commitment for this you need to look at the relationship and also how you can get yourself into a financially better position.

But forget the "he's not offereing me a treat" that's not the problem.

Nope his

I'm very close to my DM who will be 90 on her next birthday and in good health, mentally and physically. I'm realistic enough to realise that she won't be around forever but I will be devastated when something happens to her. She was widowed last year and is very comfortably off.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

In your partner's position I would pay off your £5k debt from the inheritance, but I would also be paying a larger proportion of the bills.

You've been together 6 years and have a mortgage and talk of marriage. If he is serious about that then your finances will be joint anyway, so why is he happy to see you in debt and paying 50% of the bills when his income is much higher than yours? It's not like you've incurred your debt through frivolous spending either.

I'm not sure that he's being unreasonable to not spend money on a holiday etc. but it seems his general attitude towards you and your joint finances are unreasonable.

26? Just 26 and no children??? This is THE time to splash the cash on extravagant holidays! You cannot get a nice decent one once the kids arrive! (Even if you can afford it)

I would say he’s actually being prudent, and planning for his / your future.

You are only 26. So much ahead of you, now is not the time to be splashing the cash on extravagant holidays. Why do you think you deserve fancy stuff that you can’t afford? It’s not mean to not fritter money on extravagant holidays. Plenty of people who can afford to go on posh holidays don’t because they don’t want to waste their money. That doesn’t make them mean.

I really don’t understand when people say “it is his money” after such a long relationship and a mortgage together. I think you need to be really equalitarian and put as much of your money into this relationship as he is, because it is not only about getting a stupid “threat” from time to time.

So it works like this, you both split everything fairly according to your incomes. Ie. Mortgage is 15% of the joint income, so you each put 15% of your salaries, same applies for holidays and other stuff that comes from savings.

Honestly OP, if you were not married to this man everybody would be telling you you’ve got a cocklodger. You shouldn’t be 50/50 if there is such a disparity of income/savings.

I do not like tight wads, really I think it’s nice to share, If I got a wedge like that the first thing I would do is treat family and Of course my other half!