To ask my parents to move out ?

You might find this a helpful book

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Your Dad hasn't worked for 35 years , has someone else paying his mortgage while he is sponging off his daughter who is a full time working single parent..........and you are the lazy one ?

Its true they need you far more than you need them.

Good to hear you sounding a little more resolved OP! You are in a difficult place at the moment but think of everything you've dealt with and survived so far. You are doing your best to think rationally about the situation and thats to be commended. A future without your parents literally on your doorstop might be scary, but just imagine the difference it will make by losing all that stress and any dread of coming home - walking into god knows what kind of atmosphere. It will be a weight lifted from your shoulders. Then, yes you need to plan really carefully what you do next and how you deal with your finances just as we all have to. You obviously love your DD and want whats best for her. You are self aware enough to be worried about repeating past toxic patterns and thats great, lots of people aren't. You both deserve to find the love and support you need, but you have to not be so hard on yourself. Think of that sunny day in the none too distant future when you and little one can come home, throw open the windows and let some fresh air through your own home and life.
Take very good care of yourselves.

Early 60,s elderly?!

Well, I,m 59 and feel nowhere near it.

My parents went on a jolly driving around half of Spain at the age of 80...

Good luck. You sound amazing, especially having to deal with such a toxic mother.

You have proved that you can beat the abuse cycle, all you need is to take that one little baby step forward to rid yourself of her toxic influence altogether, oh and make sure that your DB doesnt take them in when you kick them out.

Would your father stay if you said that he could as long as she wasnt there? Might be worth considering (not as childcare but to help him escape too).

Nothing incredibly helpful to say unfortunately but just wanted to say you are much stronger then you think you are...

Look what you have accomplished so far!!

I have faith in you op! You sound like an amazing young women!

Everything Barefoot says. You deserve to be on your own and be happy.

Your parents are hideous people. i am so sorry, i know its awful not to have the "normal" love and affection from your parents that everyone else seems to have...but you jsut have to accept that you don't have that. Its not you, its them, 100%, and you will NEVER be able to earn their love and affection. I think your mother is one of themost appalling, disgraceful people I have come across on MN, and i think you are probably a lovely, strong courageous person who has been ground down by these dreadful people your whole life. .

this is not good for you or your dd. she can still have a relationship with your dad, but this situation can't go on. life is too short for this shit. honestly you'd be so much better off without them in your life. really.

Your parents sound vile - they're not normal. Get them out of your lives.

Do you and your DB have a close relationship? Mainly, does he fully understand how you are feeling about this and would he support you in telling them to go?

If so then you have an ally that can help you tell your Ps and also the other rellies, to leave you alone, to stop being so judgmental - and wrong.

Take a deep breath, grab his help and just do it.

I can't imagine any universe in which I would tell a child if mine that I didn't need their love.
Please dont sweat too much about their reaction to being asked to leave; you've already done way more for them than they have deserved.

Do you know how much you would get if you rented out the room your parents use for free? If you work this out, you could find this is where the money could come from for private nursery for DD. With them gone, you would not fund their living expenses, and be able to afford nursery.

I can only imagine how hard it would be to tell your parents they need to leave. Also how to find someone to rent whom you would know is suitable to live with you in your house. A student was suggested, this is an idea, but often they leave to go home during the holidays.

I hope that this all works out for you. You know what you need to do, but it will be unimaginably tough to do it. Afterwards, will be great. You have no obligation to your parents when they are treating you in this manner, no matter what they try to tell you. I suggest telling your brother before you do this, so he can be prepared and hopefully your parents less successful in trying to pit you against each other.

They need to make tough choices to support themselves, just like people do every day.

I think yo uhave to ask them to leave and start working our how you could cope financially. Are you certain you are claiming everything you are entitled too? Can you change your work hours to more childcare friendly ones?

I'd look at private nurseries, they won't close for the holidays and will devide your 15 hours free allowance over the whole year.

Of course your DB doesn't want them, but you knw what, they are adults, they are perfectly able to sort their own housing out. If they want to stay for free with their adult DD, they can treat you with a little respect.

How much would you get if you rented their room out? Would they help towards the costs of nursery?

Please don't delay, ask them to leave. Even if you had the loveliest parents in the world, you should be entitled to live alone if you want. And you clearly do not have the loveliest parents, tour mum sounds horrifying and ultimately your dd will lean that that's an ok way to treat your own family.
They have already expressed the desire to move (to your dbs) so go with this momentum and get them out. They are still young and could be with you for 30 years. Your dd's entire childhood.
Is there no equity in their house, would they not have a profit if they sold?

They sound utterly vile. It's not you. Kick them out!

Can they just sell up and downsize to a ground floor flat!

Rather then an au pair, what about free/cheap accommodation to a uni student. You can CRB check them, ask for references. That way most of the school holidays will be covered.

Email your parents. If you put your needs across in the right way, it might help? Also forward the email to your brother and anyone close.

Dear mum and dad, thank you so much for all the physical support you have given us over the last two years. You looking after DD has been a life saver and has meant I've been able to work and pay the mortgage. I deeply appreciate that and have been very willing to provide accommodation to help you out in return. On an emotional level I'm sure you will agree it has been a struggle for us all. I love you both lots but I'm sure we all feel the living arrangement cant continue much longer as it is. I feel its in both our interests that you look for alternative accommodation with a view to leaving this year/before September. I'd really like you to visit citizens advice/a financial adviser so you can look at all the options open to you. Its upsetting asking you to leave and want to make the difficult transition smooth as positive as possible. I understand that you won't be looking after DD on a day to day basis but DD would love to still see her grandparents at times good for us all. I hope in the long term not living in each others pockets will help build a stronger, happier relationship between us all. I really hope this is possible.

They will never love you as you deserve to be loved. They will never respect you as you deserve to be respected. Nothing you do will ever be right, or enough.

This is spot on & I will add this

"they will never the parents (or grandparent) you want them to be, they will never be the parents you deserve."

Of course your dd loves them, she spends a lot of time with them & isn't aware of who they really are. She doesn't know any different, op & this is exactly why you need to get them out of her life before they damage her, how they have damaged you.

You have convinced yourself that what happened to your dd is your fault for working, it isn't, it is theirs for their wholly inadequate supervision.

How many times has your daughter hurt herself because of this & you haven't known? I would bet it was more then once, but because it wasn't an A&E job, you have no idea & she is too young to tell you.

They don't care about you. That is very apparent in their attitude. They tolerate the care of your daughter for free lodgings, believe me! people like this NEVER do anything for anyone else, it is all about them! This is also why your mother now works, because she doesn't actually want to care for your daughter, she just needs a cheaper place to stay.

Has she declared her earnings?

The 'I don't need your love' is the most cold hearted thing I have heard for a while. So she doesn't need/want your love, but she wants to live rent free, in your home? All the while allowing her family to criticize & belittle you, off the back of her gossiping to them?

If you lived in their home, do you think they would have let you stay so long?

You are well within your rights to ask them to leave, op.

They won't like it.
They will gossip about to relatives, who will continue to belittle you
They will kick off
They will try to pit your db against you

Be prepared for that. But on the upside, how much nicer will your life be? And knowing that your dd won't grow up in the toxic environment you did will be the biggest burden off your shoulders.

OP both you and DD deserve so much better than the way your parents are using you for housing/finance and her for emotionally blackmailing you.

Tell them, stick to your guns and then once they've left, which I suspect they will resist for a while, enjoy your peaceful home with DD.

Mmm, they remind me of my grandmother who lived with us and she always made her dislike of me very patent.

Good luck with all the changes, OP.

I think they are very worried about their financial security and as they own their own home ( big mortgage ) there are limited benefits they are entitled to

easy solution...they can sell and downsize or rent somewhere to live. they have options but they prefer to freeload off you whilst at the same time chipping away at what is left of your self esteem and confidence. they're behaving like leeches - not parents. let them go.

Why on earth did they blame you for an accident that happened to DD in their care?

It sounds to me as if they have turned everything around onto you. THEY need somewhere to live so YOU need them.... The accident was their responsibility so they blame you. They sound like they use attack as a form of defense.

I think you'd be fine on your own and they probably cost a lot more than you realize. I bet rent, bills etc for a 1 bed flat is more than two days worth of childcare.

I hope you figure this out OP. Time to put yourself and DD first.