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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

My son is a nightmare and I cannot cope

42 replies

Helpneeded911 · 26/06/2017 23:41

Hey,

Really have no one else to turn to and I am one step away from handing my son over to social services!

He is just turned 13 and out of control quite literally.

He is getting into loads of trouble at school, has had 2 formal warnings from the police, does as he please at hope and to be honest I am now scared of my son.

He came in tonight at 22.42 with no explanation or reasoning just thinks it's acceptable and he doesn't care that I was worried or out looking for him!

He has been punished time and time again from being grounded from 1 week to as much as a month ( not that it worked) having his games console given away to another house hold, phone tablet and tv removed and it makes no difference.

The doctors suggested boxing to help but he only used this to hurt his sister 😭😭.

Please any advice would be greatly appreciated I love my son very much but his attitude behaviour and lack of respect is pushing me to breaking point!

OP posts:

Report

user1497480444 · 26/06/2017 23:48

Keep going, you are doing great, keep talking to him, loving him and disciplining him. If it is any consolation I have seen many teens go through horrible phases on the way to becoming lovely adults, if it is going to happen, and actually, the younger it starts, the better, - imagine dealing with a 19 year old like this!!! He will hopefully be a lovely person again long before then xx

Helpneeded911 · 26/06/2017 23:52

I'm trying it's just so hard 😞. It's having an affect on my daughter and I really am at end of my tether feels so alone in this, he's always been a handful from he was 9 months old tbh but it's really getting worse! Thanks though I hope we get out the other side soon or I am not sure where I will be xx

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 26/06/2017 23:56

Personally I think boxing is a terrible way to control aggression. It creates a habit of expecting to punch something/someone to release the frustration/anger/emotion. Being taught a skill like boxing is a reward and a privilege for people who have proven they know how to use their new skills appropriately and respect it as a sport and not a tool to abuse others with. Same goes for martial arts. You do not take angry (growing!) young men and hand them the tools to beat the shit out of you with. you have to do stuff to tackle the cause of bad behaviours before they are safe to have those skills.

Do you have social services involved? If not, contact them and ask if there are any programmes in your area for young adolescents with behavioural issues. They may have mentoring programmes he could be eligible for.

Have you spoken to the school to find out about his social circles, what he is struggling with in school, what support they can offer?

Is his other parent involved?

Helpneeded911 · 27/06/2017 00:05

I didn't agree with the boxing but my doctor advised me to try it for my son and I did, and that was swiftly stopped as it didn't help and my doors just got kicked and punched in more than before to the point I needed new ones.

The school have said the boys he hangs around with aren't any bother it's just in class he can't just sit and learn he always has to be disruptive and he is taking all the teachers attention. ( he has 7 classes a day and they all say the same)

Social work are not involved although I have tried on many occasions, I will be taking him with me tomorrow to their office as I have never felt so close to losing it ever and believe me I have been close before.

As for his other parent he is only around when it suits he does stay a plane flight away (45 minutes) but this year will only have spend 10 days with his son..

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 27/06/2017 00:06

Speak to school and explain the difficulties you are having - see what's available - keep a diary for reference and write down everything you want to talk about

Ask about CHAMS to see if they can help

BandeauSally · 27/06/2017 00:10

Have you ever had him assessed for ADHD? Is he able to do the work he is being set in class or Is he being disruptive because he doesn't understand the work but doesn't want to ask for help? What support have the school offered?

Helpneeded911 · 27/06/2017 00:17

He has never been tested for anything as we have never been offered any support :(

He can do the work as all the teachers say he is really intelligent but he just won't do it.. it's a constant battle something that should take 10 mins is taking way longer as he won't or can't concentrate.

OP posts:

Helpneeded911 · 27/06/2017 00:19

The school are aware as we have regular contact but other than secluding him to the base as punishment they aren't doing anything..

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 27/06/2017 00:21

I would take him back to the GP and insist he is referred for an ADHD assessment.

Also make an appointment with the school to find out what they can offer in terms of support to get him re-engaged with his schoolwork.

Then also get back on to social services and tell them you are at breakin point, you need help immediately and that your son is physically hurting your daughter. They cannot leave your daughter at risk of being hurt. Do you think he is using any drugs or drinking? If so tell SS this.

Iluvthe80s · 27/06/2017 07:21

Sorry to read you are having a tough time! Agree with BandeauSally comments and her question about drug use.

arrange an assessment for ADHD via your GP and an appointment for CAMHS
DO go and see SS and tell them you need support
If your daughter is struggling, see if her school can offer any counselling/therapy (we have arranged that for our daughter)

Don't be afraid to ask for help. And also see who can help you. Your GP may be able to make some suggestions on this

Iluvthe80s · 27/06/2017 12:19

I hope you are managing to make some positive progress today and are getting some support

Despairing42 · 27/06/2017 19:16

What area are you in? Does your area have early help units?

Keep going it's not fun I know. DD is much the same in many ways but had mellowed over the last year (she's 16 now). Still does as she pleases, has 0 empathy and has huge meltdowns if told no but in comparison to aged 13 it's easier, she does have ADHD but won't access any support or anything. It's positive he's still in school so hang onto that positive. DD ended up at a school for children with behavioural difficulties which made me despair but turned out to be the best thing.

Helpneeded911 · 27/06/2017 20:05

Thanks everyone, Social services advised me I am just going through a rough patch but due to past involvement they are sure I will pull this together and get out the other side, so basically no help at all, have made an appointment with another doctor to see if they can suggest anything as school finishes on Thursday for the summer and I am dreading it already!

Thanks for all the advice though

OP posts:

coffecupempty · 27/06/2017 20:28

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/

Try giving this a read. Hope you get the help you need

BandeauSally · 27/06/2017 20:35

But what about the risk to your daughter? Weren't they at all concerned about her?

SealSong · 27/06/2017 21:05

CAMHS is not a service for behaviour problems. It is a service for mentally ill children and not appropriate here.

OP, I am sorry that you're having these problems, he sounds like he's really pushing the boundaries. The best service may be family support; a family support worker comes into the home and helps strengthen parenting and family relationships. If you ring your local children's centre or children's social care they should be able to tell you how to access this kind of support in your area.

Re mention of ADHD, you'd need to speak to school to see if they have any concerns around this, OP. If they do not it's unlikely he has ADHD. Hope things improve for you soon.

datkins · 29/06/2017 05:11

i would think wisely about sending your kid off to care, my mum did and rightfully so but i won't lie it has sent me into a deep depression for over a year now barely can leave the house and failed school with not many prospects for the future, if i knew at 13 what i know now i would be kissing my mothers feet...

Iluvthe80s · 29/06/2017 13:25

datkins I was sad to read your post. Depression is such a terrible illness. I really hope you are getting support from health professionals to manage it. Its not clear how old you are from your post, but perhaps you could consider online learning when you feel well enough or perhaps even a college course...if you think you would enjoy it

Gallymum1 · 29/06/2017 15:12

Hiya. Sorry you are going through this x You can self refer to CAMHS now via single point of access and don't have to go via gp. You can do it all online. X x

blankface · 29/06/2017 15:34

OP, try www.livesinthebalance.org/ some of the techniques in there may just help you to help him.

datkins · 30/06/2017 06:42

i'm 17 now, and i haven't went to seek help yet but this can't go on much longer it's a empty feeling knowing what the next day brings and i wouldn't wish it on any one, just reading these threads brings it back home so much, wish you all the best.

kreme · 30/06/2017 07:13

If he is getting in trouble with police at 13 and using his sister as a punching bag he needs to be assessed for ADHD and ODD. Sealsong - id be surprised if he was a model student at school.

Iluvthe80s · 30/06/2017 07:15

datkins I urge you to seek help.That will be the first step to making positive change in your life, and regaining control of your situation. I wish you luck

JustDanceAddict · 30/06/2017 07:29

You need to go back and see a helpful gp and asked to be referred for ADHD or add. I work with kids with these diagnoses and it sounds very familiar, esp the behaviour in school.

SealSong · 01/07/2017 12:16

Dear datkins, please do seek help. There is support out there. First step is go and speak to your GP. They will understand, they deal with people experiencing depression often. Don't suffer this on your own, get help, you deserve it. Wishing you strength x

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