My son is a nightmare and I cannot cope

[Helpneeded911]

Hey,

Really have no one else to turn to and I am one step away from handing my son over to social services!

He is just turned 13 and out of control quite literally.

He is getting into loads of trouble at school, has had 2 formal warnings from the police, does as he please at hope and to be honest I am now scared of my son.

He came in tonight at 22.42 with no explanation or reasoning just thinks it's acceptable and he doesn't care that I was worried or out looking for him!

He has been punished time and time again from being grounded from 1 week to as much as a month ( not that it worked) having his games console given away to another house hold, phone tablet and tv removed and it makes no difference.

The doctors suggested boxing to help but he only used this to hurt his sister 😭😭.

Please any advice would be greatly appreciated I love my son very much but his attitude behaviour and lack of respect is pushing me to breaking point!

You are going through a tough time. It is not just you lots of mums have been through similar.

My son's behaviour was similar at that age and I found out that he was being bullied in school. He hid this completely but eventually it all came out.

I moved him to a new school. He went to an anger management counsellor which improved things enormously.

My DD experienced depression at 18 at it turned out that she had been depressed from aged 14 onwards. Her behaviour as a teenager was horrendous.

I know now that the agressive behaviour they was caused by their experiences. It wasn't just 'bad behaviour'. They both also had massive resentment towards their father (EXH) who was quite frankly useless and let them down badly.

I recommend your son sees a doctor because in our experience there were reasons for the behaviour.

As hard as it is I would try (not easy) to be loving towards him even when it seems impossble.

There are great online resources for dealing with teeage behaviour.

You need support too. Friends of mine went to parenting classes for teenagers and say it really helped.

Try to take time for yourself and get counselling if possible. It"s a very tough time. I saw a counsellor who gave me some good tips to prevent myself walking into unnecessary arguments which did help.

Good luck it's a tough time

Another thing that made my life tougher was when I tried to remove mobiles, internet etc. It escalated things so much that we lost sight of the original argument. It was a waste of time. Ditto about the state of the bedrooms. I spent years ranting about the state of the bedrooms.

I can't give any advice as I'm struggling with a boy if a similar age but just wanted to say I'm hoping for the best and good luck!

My DS is 13 he has ADHD and he is like this. CAMHs is the right organisation to help, and as said above can be accessed through single point of access. Your case can be prioritised if he is in a lot of trouble at school (well that is what happened to us). If he is medicated it should help a bit but it is not a silver bullet. Sorry for what you are going through it is hard. My DS is so aggressive.

CAMHS is the right organisation IF he has ADHD. Not if it is 'just' ,behaviour problems.

Not all CAMHS have a single point of access that families can self refer to. CAMHS in my area requires school to do the initial referral where there may be concerns re ADHD

OP, speak to school before they break up, and ask them to do a referral to CAMHS re ADHD concerns, if that is what you want to do, and if school will support you with that.

Anger management courses also helped 2 other boys and one girl I knew. Best of luck.

I am in the same position with my 16 year old. At the point I don't know what else to do so giving it serious thought. I love him with all my heart but he is tearing the whole family apart. He has currently run away and we know where he is staying and have begged them not to let him stay I've threatened them with the police and everything not slept for 4 days but they are completely ignoring us. Just at our wits end was an absolute dream until 12 months ago so as I said completely understand how you feel x

How are things OP? I hope you have managed to find some calm and support. I can really relate to your situation.

This book was recommended on a MN thread and I have been reading it - it is very good

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32373.YesYourrTeenissCrazy_

Hi Helpneeded911,

I am in your position with my 14 year old son. I just want to add words of support. Just this afternoon I got a visit from the local police officer to say that my son has been caught on CCTV in a local pharmacy, shop-lifting. The whole situation is compounded by the fact that we live in a small-close knit community, and I am also a teacher at my son's school. The police officer who came to see me was a school friend of my little brother (the shame). One of my students has been intimidated by my son.

You could try CAMHS, but TBH I found them useless. My son not only gets violent outbursts that are intimidating for me and my family, teachers, and peers, but he also punches walls, one time fracturing his hand. He also suffers suicidal ideation and has scars on his legs from cutting himself. Apparently there is nothing wrong with him.

I have had two visits from social services, and they just advised I move out with DS because he doesn't get on with DH (his step-dad). Only there is no way I can afford to rent in the local area.

The school are very concerned about his behaviour, especially his intimidation of fellow students. They have basically intimated that if this continues he will face permanent exclusion. They are the most helpful of the lot, though, and are actively trying to help by putting in councelling, y smart (help with substance abuse - he is smoking and has been caught with cannabis and codeine), and hopefully a youth worker.

To be honest, here in this town there are serious problems with drugs amongst young people, and the police seem to be unable to deal with the issue.

Just know, you are not alone, you are not the only one. Remain strong. Big hugs.

Keep giving him consequences. Keep getting support from anywhere you can. When they are 13 we are all novices at how to approach challenging behaviour. If there are two fully committed parents instead of one then it may be easier because you have two life experiences.
I have just had a meltdown experience with my eldest child so I feel a bit hypocritical, but their lives have to be worth living and you do have to look at it from the teens point of view and be prepared to backdown at the same time as giving clear bounadries. Get a lot of support for yourself because if you can't cope neither can your teens.You are not alone there are millions of other responsible parents around you and people in or out of agencies that are eager to help.

I hope you have more luck than I have. My 14 year old son has been totally out of control now for nearly a year. Just this week he was finally permanently excluded from his school. I’m actually one of his teachers as well and today I almost burst into tears when I saw his name is still on my register. I see all these lovely, ‘normal’ teenagers and I wonder where I went wrong. I have tried everything. Social services, Gp, CAHMS, youth workers, ysmart. You name it, we’ve tried it. Nothing has worked. Chin up. Don’t blame yourself. Just hang on in there and remember in a few years he will be an adult and you can tell him to leave. Sounds harsh, but I can’t see any other way out of this hell.

I just thought i d say that there is hope for parents stressed out with hooligan teenagers.
i was a feral teenager, my dad used to hit me and beat my mum, then completely disappeared to Aus, i was sexual abused by a relative too, by the time i was 12yo i was out of control, i d steal, smash up the house, be bought home by the Police, truancy, joy ride, left school without a single exam, was barely literate.
My poor mum tried everything, talking, rewards/punishments, SS, School, even tried to have me put into care, i must have totally aged her.
I got a labouring job, realised i was on a path to low wages and hard work and with encouragement from my mum, went to evening classes and then college, i eventually got a job with BT and tbh i ve never looked back, me and my mum became great friends and she then gave up her job to help me raise my baby daughter when my partner died and i fell apart, she returned to her job and had an amazing relationship with her Granddaughter, she was my greatest friend!
She died last year and not a day goes by when i dont think to myself "how the heck did she put up with me?"
I cant say what anyone should do or not, each kid is different but try not to give up, kids can get very confused and be totally unaware of the damage they are causing (as can parents) but many DO grow up.

@jasjas1973 lovely hopeful post on Mother's Day. So sorry you lost your Mum but happy for the wonderful years you did share.

Happy Mother's Day all. I hope you are feeling appreciated in some small way today. to all

My son is the same - turned 13 last month. I am starting to think he has ADHD.

Constant trouble in school, he is I think one step from bring expelled.

Will not follow any rules, cannot discipline him as he neither cares for or adheres to consequences - If I have grounded him he escapes through the window, if I block his WiFi he absconds in the middle of the night to his mates house!

I caught him smoking weed last month - he honestly doesn't see what the problem is and calls me an overprotective Mum and to Chill!!

I too have involved police due to him being aggressive and violent. It is so embarrassing when a PC is trying to explain to him how serious and out of order his behaviour is when all he can do is shrug and act bored. Next time I will press charges and he can spend the bloody night in the cells!

Earlier when he came home from school, I didn't make him a sandwich quick enough, and because I told him to stop being impatient he flipped and poured a litre bottle of coke all over me.

I am FURIOUS most of the time and DESPERATE the rest of the time.

You have to hold on to the odd glimmer of the 'nice' child your son is deep down and realise all these behaviours are masking his feelings he maybe has no control over. In my son's case I believe he suffers great anxiety and has no idea how to control this hence the frustration and anger.

Your are not alone and there are many, many parents with these horrendous issues with their teens.

Be strong and you can get through this.

Marie xx

I was having similar problems with my 13 yr old son , I had numerous conversations with school about anger mgt and counselling , they eventually referred him to the Local Authority and he worked with the healthy child team and then we both did a supporting parent course run by the prevention team which was really good , it gives you strategies how to deal with circumstances and really difficult behaviour ,
You could also talk to your Gp about advice and a referral to appropriate services x

Hope things have improved xx