My husband does not want to have kids again after awful experience with ex wife

[Doonethingniceaday]

I typed a really long and detailed version of this but somehow it did not load. I have been with my husband 15 years. We have a happy marriage. His ex wife has a lot of issues and his relationship with his kids has been hugely damaged. I guess what I am asking here is if anyone else has a partner that does not want kids again? How do you deal with it and is there a way to move forward?

Thank you in advance

This has happened to two couples I know quite well.

First one she was 8 years older than him and her years were ticking. They did eventually break up but at that point she was 41 and turned out to be too late for her.

Second couple he had issues with ex but managed to see daughter regularly, however constant fights with her mom so didn't want another. Together with partner for 10+ years he gave in two years ago as he said it wasn't fair on her. They now have a beautiful toddler and are complete.

This could go either way. My opinion is that it's not fair on you not to be given the chance to have kids

Have you had your fertility checked op? That would be my first question.

I'd go and do some couples counselling and see where exactly you are both at and why, I'm sure it'll help to talk with a mediator there rather than argue/be upset.

I left an 11 year relationship because 'maybe' having kids became 'no kids'

No I have never checked my fertility. I guess that is something I should do before I get my head too muddled but I also wonder if knowing I could potentially do it for sure would make it harder or easier to know what to do. I will check how easy it is to check.... will look into that. Thank you. HD not even thought about that.

How old is he? I'm guessing I'm his 40s, older than you.

Years and areas can age you a lot and when you know how exhausting being a parent is, you reach a point when the Idea of being a parent fills you with utter dead rather than joy.

I went from being desperate for another child to not being able to imagine worse within 5 years.

Thankfully my OH who doesn't ha e children felt the same. I'd be totally heartbroken if he'd DD ides that he prefered being a father to being a dad but it wouldn't persuade me because I'd rather be without him than live with the guilt of being a crap parent because I couldn't give any longer what a child deserves from both parents.

I find it so sad that someone would give up a perfect marriage for a child though. My best friend was desperate to be a mother until she found her OH could concieve. They tried a number of ivf without any luck and decided to end it there. She went through a couple of years battling depression but never considered leaving her OH.

She then mended her heart and since then has made the best of her life without children. They are the most loving couple I've ever met and she is truly happy now.

Of course everyone is different but there is a lot to lose giving up a solid mariage.

Don't assume you are the issue it's aost inevitable that it's his ability to be a dad again that is stopping him, not your ability to be a good mum.

Of course everyone is different but there is a lot to lose giving up a solid mariage.

Thing is infertility and DECIDING not to have a child are completely different.
This is a men who is being very very selfish. He is with a younger childless women who sacrificed her best years for him with an assumption she will have her own family with him. He doesn't care. I don't know how a relationship be "solid" with this kind of attitude.

Swingofthings - thank you. We do have a great marriage and I would be very sad to lose that and I know I am very lucky to have that. As other people have pointed out maybe I might not still be / have ever been fertile.
Every one has something that is more important to them and I have to work out what mine is.
Posting here has been hugely helpful in getting my thoughts in to some kind of order or at least throw in things to consider.

To answer your question yes he is in his 40’s but I am nearly also...
btw I am really happy to hear your BF found happiness in the end.

Jemsy thank you for sharing two different endings....

Actually everyone on this thread thanks as it’s really helped me to vocalise and to get back opposing views. Reading things is sometimes easier than hearing them!

Hi OP, just wanted to say I know how you feel.
My DP has three DC, when we first met I was unaware of the the DC’s until a few dates in. I had always said I wouldn’t date someone with DC as I’d struggled with my fatility and had several MC. I always was under the impression that if someone has DC their “want” would never be as strong as mine.
I set these reservations aside, was open with how I felt, and we continued to date. He promised that he would have more DC in the future when the time was “right.” 5 years down the line... he’s dropped the I don’t want anymore children line. This has left me confused?

His relationship with his EXDCM is stained, they can’t agree, she moved them away. He hates saying goodbye to them, he hates that hes missing out. He also loves how they are past the baby stage, and remembers how hard work it was. For these reasons he said he won’t have anymore.

I’m confused and I feel like I have two options.
Option one is to stay with the family I have, and accept I will have my own DC.
Option two is to leave, in the hope I meet someone who can make me as happy as him.
The problem is I’ve had fatality tests, and have a extremely low egg count, of which most are not great quality. The chances of me convincing are slim, but the change is there.

Good luck, I think you just need to consider of whether this will cause resentment in the future?

Fertility not fatility! Sorry auto correct!

I’m only mid twenties and already have 2 children but I still know the ache of wanting a child and to be a mother so badly; I love my partner so very much but I don’t think I could ever, ever sacrifice the chance to be a mother for him.

I think, if I’m being completely honest, that you will regret never being a mother. You only have one life and one chance at this.

I wish I had the answers coffeewelcome! I really do. I think every situation is not cut and dry. I go between being very happy loving my husband and my life to the polar opposite of feeling cheated and that I am missing out on something hugely important to me.

I guess whilst I will always feel a loss for not having a baby (one I don’t actually know I can conceive) I can be secure in a very happy marriage (would not say perfect as I doubt any marriage could truthfully be described as that).

I have not found my answer yet.... I wish I had a crystal ball....

Good luck with your path.

Btw coffeewelcome please feel free to pm me if you wish to discuss further.

Whitecat, no one is due a child. You can call it selfish but better to be selfish towards a partner than selfish in bringing a child in the world you don't want.

Do you know what it's like to grow up with a parent you know never wanted you however much the other parent loves you?

OP, accepting that you might never become a parent is one of the hardest emotional challenge a person who would want to be a parent has to face. It's really no different to grieving a loss. However, acceptance does come at some point and when it does is when you can go back to valuing your life and enjoying other things that are precious.

Have you considered counselling, preferably together because it's likely your OH feels horrible for seeing you so hurt and the guilt must eat him inside. It's a battle you are going through together and surmounting it should make you stronger in the end.

@silverdoe

''I think, if I’m being completely honest, that you will regret never being a mother. You only have one life and one chance at this.''

Just to counter this, I believe that like a lot of people I had children mostly on autopilot. It wasn't a deeply conscious choice. I experienced some broodiness but it wasn't overwhelming and it would have passed if I'd bothered to dialogue my way out of it.

I found myself in survival mode for over a decade because of the belief that nobody ever regrets having children. I knew rationally that there were other things that fulfill a person but I've only managed to pause long enough to get an inkling of what might bring me fulfillment now that my children are teens. Now I"m excited about the future. For over a decade I felt trapped and stagnant. I love my DC of course I do but now I think the decision to have them was less conscious and more hormonal and I know now in a way a doubted back then that I would have been happy if I hadn't had them. Maybe not happiER but happy.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable reading your posts OP, if it's your marriage you're banking on to make up for the no children then I would not make THAT particular trade. You have to know that you alone can live a fulfilling life. That you alone with your thoughts can look back without regret and look forward with bravery, creating your own life etc, mixing with your tribe, having stable enthusiasm for whatever ignites you. Art. Music. Drama. Sport.

If you're trading your chance to have children it shouldn't be for a husband. It should be a trade for a life YOU yourself can live with or without him.

Jungster I completely agree, I do think some people have children because it’s considered the normal next step rather that because they actively want parenthood.

Maybe I’m projecting my own emotions too much on the OP, but for me when I talk of broodiness it’s a longing and pain almost as bad as grief - there’s nothing pleasant about it. If the OP wants a child as profoundly as I know it’s possible to want one, I really do think she would regret not having one.

If she’s just ambivalent or could fill that idea with something else and really loves her DH then maybe it could work out, its a big ask of her from her DP to expect her never to have children though :(

I don't think it's selfish for him to not want more children, and it's one of those things that you should be on the same page about - parenting is hard enough without someone's heart not being in it from the very start. My ex husband had his reasons - he was 40, he was a grandad (yes really), enjoying having money and time to himself etc etc. He also felt he was a rubbish parent when his kids were young. He seriously considered whether he could do it again, and just couldn't. And by that point I didn't want to have children with him even if he had agreed, knowing he didn't want to and would probably be miserable. I had started to resent him and knew that would only get worse in time. If he 'gave in' he would have resented me.

FWIW we were together for 10 years and for most of that time it would crop up every few years and I would get upset and then focus on something else. But once I admitted to myself and voiced it to a friend that I really wanted kids there was no going back, it was like a Pandora's box. Only you can make the decision about where you go from here, counselling could help with that either on your own or as a couple.

I agree too jungster. Like many, I have been extreme fortunate to become a mum to two children but the eldest is now at Uni and highly unlikely to ever come back home and youngest will be 18 in two years.

However much I love them and will always be close to them, I can't wait to go and do all the things you can do without children and my OH even more.

Of course, it depends on people's personalities. We both love travelling and exploring the world. We are also very sporty and take part in events and competition. There are so many things we want to do that life won't be boring without children. Of course it's more difficult for those who are more family oriented and homy, however, it would seem it is only recently that OP has really longed to be a mum so I assume her life had been hapilly fulfilled so far.

The other thing is that at 20, it's easy to think you can meet another perfect partner. I thought the samecwhen I separated with my ex at 30. The reality is that I was single for 7 years despite meeting many men because my expectations were high and no one I met fulfilled them, so I am so so grateful that OP came into my life as I know he is extremely special for me and I doubt I would meet anyone else that would make me as happy, or at least the chances of it are low.