Complicated advice needed

(14 Posts)
Stepparentchallenges Mon 17-Sep-18 08:03:17

After my kind of ex partners girls visit for the week in August and the last few weekends we have been to visit I have taken the decision that I want to take a step back at the moment and wanting us to start more at the beginning. I am looking at him renting a room locally with someone, as he will then be close to his work due to not driving. We will still do things together for the boys and he will have them on the days I work like he does now but it leaves everything much more seperate financially and mentally etc. Plus it will give me the space needed to decide what I physically want whether I want a relationship or whether I enjoy my own space, own time etc. Thing is we don't want to tell his ex wife about this until I have made my decision as To whether we make w go
Of things and he moves back, because it will be another thing for her to use against us having his kids again for Christmas, and when/if he does move back in then staying durn school holidays. I will still drive him to see them every other weekend, and spend time with them so they can see their brother and so can his mum and dad etc. He will give me the money though. But I will have no financial responsibility so if he doesn't have The fuel money we don't go, he will have to pay for their tea and I will pay for mine, he will have to sort csa out to the ex wife etc. I need to see him be able to step up and show some responsibility, because as much as they are my step children it's not me that should be doing everything for them and catering everything around having the money for them etc. He can the be the bad guy saying no to them when he sees he doesn't have the money after paying his bills. I have obviously discussed this with tax credits and they said I am perfectly entitled to do this if I am paying all the bills solely on my own and he has no contribution except maintenance as he wouldn't be living here. His issue though is CSA, obviously he pays her £10 a week less because he was living with me and the boys. If he tells csa then she will get w letter saying we have split and the boys don't live with him anymore etc. But then technically it is worked out that if he went to csa he would have to setup a claim to pay me so she would lose out slightly more than what he currently pays her as what he would have to pay in csa gets split by three, she gets two thirds and I one third. Which then would also be more for her too kick off. So he's a little stuck in the middle. I presume though tax credits would inform csa he isn't living with me so it's just best for him to contact them. Personally I am not making any decisions for him he asked my advice and I thought I would put it to you guys on here. I get he's worried that if she finds out that we have parted again for a few months to see what happens thar she will make the contact difficult again and cause issues and grief but then on the other hand I don't want him getting into any trouble. He has said that he was looking into just paying her the amount csa said he should have been before they reduced it for boys and he pays me a agreed amount. As to be honest it will just go into our sons bank account. I'm sure I will get bashed when actually I am
Trying to do this for the best of the children and also my mental health. I am trying to get him to wake up and see the responsibility's he has if he doesn't have someone holding his hand and sorting for him.

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TwistedStitch Mon 17-Sep-18 11:35:43

I think part of stepping back and seeing if he will take responsibility and be a proper parent includes the fact that he needs to manage his co-parenting relationship with his ex by himself. That involves him organising finances properly and discussing living arrangements with her. If you are still covering for him so as not to rock the boat that kind of defeats the purpose of what you are doing IMO. Just make sure that you are covered legally- so keep tax credits/ council etc up to date, claim maintenance for your son and then leave him to get on with the rest of it.

Stepparentchallenges Mon 17-Sep-18 11:58:50

@TwistedStitch thank you. I will be leaving him to deal with his finances, his rent etc and managing his money. That's why if he didn't have fuel money I wouldn't take him up. I suppose I am only offering to do that so my son gets to see his nan and grandad: because otherwise I would have to pay fuel (whereas if he was going up anyways it's saves me paying if thag makes sense.) I just worry that because I am choosing to have the seperate houses and the time apart that it's all my fault if the ex wife in th future doesn't allow them to stay again for a awful
Long time and becomes difficult. As at the moment I don't know how I am feeling or what way I will go once he's living elsewhere. All bills will be my name, only worry is trying to get my tenancy agreement changed as we private rent: xx

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Shoobydooby09 Mon 24-Sep-18 21:46:06

OP why do you change your username so much and then write your post as a continuation of another post under a different username hmm although to be honest you and your posts are very recognisable. This one doesn't make much sense. Firstly tax credits won't tell the CSA if you split with your partner. If you're thinking of separating with your partner why would you be bothered where he spends Christmas and why are you bothered whether or not he makes the effort to go and see his kids. You say you're taking a step back, but this post doesn't sound like you are.

Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 25-Sep-18 09:38:37

I don’t know why you bother name changing as it’s just a continuation from the last thread like pp said. Either you break up and live separate lives and co-parent or you stay together I don’t think there’s an inbetween whereby you are socialising with his dds and communicating with the ex the lines are clearly blurred here.

Stepparentchallenges Tue 25-Sep-18 09:55:29

I did this post previous to my last one. He is renting a room seperatley, catching the train to see his girls. He comes to mine twice a week to have the boys whilst I am at work but that's all.

We are going to Thorpe Park together this week to talk and see if we can sort through anything.

He has contacted csa and told them so that is now all done properly.

My only worry is my landlord may get
Told I am claiming housing allowance sad he is meant to be coming round later to sort my boiler with the plumber (presuming he is only coming in case I am not home as surely he would have messaged about housing allowance otherwise.)

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HeckyPeck Tue 25-Sep-18 14:45:58

If you’re claiming housing allowance and it’s being paid to you then there’s no reason your landlord would be told.

Re maintenance if he’s not living with you or contributing to bills etc he should b paying you maintenance. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of the cost of raising your joint children alone. It’s up to him to decide whether to pay either of you over the CSA amount, but he should be paying you that at least.


Snappedandfarted2018 Tue 25-Sep-18 14:59:47

Be careful this screams of benefit fraud especially the days out together as a family and suddenly he stays over etc

Stepparentchallenges Tue 25-Sep-18 15:06:28

@Snappedandfarted2018 it's not benefit fraud at all. I have spoken to tax credits and housing and because he doesn't live here, I pay all the bills and everything is all in my name I am allowed to claim. I wouldn't risk committing anything. And originally he looked at living here 3 days a week and renting a room in bjs home town for 4 days a week and when I asked the tax credits then they said as I am paying everybody i could still claim. So please don't make me feel shit when I have checked!

We are having one day out to see if we can work things out and get back together: that's like automatically saying jr you are in a relationship and live seperatley for whatever reason that that person can't claim as a single parent and be should pay what she loses when he is paying out for his own house. People have been in relationships for years living seperatley and can claim seperatley. We are taking time apart to reflect and see. If Thorpe Park goes well then we will take things slowly whilst he proves himself and he would still live seperate. I am doing nothing wrong I have checked.

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Stepparentchallenges Tue 25-Sep-18 15:08:01

@Snappedandfarted2018 and he doesn't stay over. He comes over Monday night until I finish work and goes back to his room, and then comes over Saturday mornings and stays until I finish work and again goes home. So he doesn't stay, even though texhinixally he could for the odd night but I am enjoying a king size bed to myself far too much ha x

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HeckyPeck Tue 25-Sep-18 15:09:48

Is there a reason he doesn’t think he should have to contribute towards your joint children? Surely part of him showing financial responsibility would be not leaving you to pay for everything?

Stepparentchallenges Tue 25-Sep-18 15:16:00

@HeckyPeck only one of my two boys is his. He currently pays csa to his ex wife for the girls. He has updated them and is paying me csa for our son once the calculation comes through. The lady on the phone has said to him that as he was paying £164 to his ex wife that hers is likely go down to £130 and mine will be about £64 a month.

I have said though that with what I receive in work and rac credits I can afford for him to not pay me, but he is insisting so I will be putting it into our sons bank account

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HeckyPeck Tue 25-Sep-18 15:21:36

Ahh well that’s good. It is the right thing for him to do to contribute towards his son, even if you don’t need the money.

Stepparentchallenges Tue 25-Sep-18 15:24:56

@HeckyPeck yeah I can afford not to so he wasn't going to say anything to csa in case we got back together but I think it's just best maybe that he tells them. Only issue is ex wife will whinge but as he doesn't live here I won't have to listen to j😂

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