So what are step-mums allowed and not allowed to do?

[CaraDeanna]

I read so much on here about step parents crossing the line. There's a current thread about step mums kissing their SCs on the lips. My SD is 7 and she will jump on me and kiss me on the lips in the morning. I don't initiate it but it's never seemed inappropriate. What about bathing? Getting kids dressed? Etc.

This is in no way an inflammatory post. I'm a good step-mum and provide when I need to. I'm just confused regarding what I am and am not allowed to do and what a role as a step-mother is supposed to be. There are so many opinions on this that I just don't bloody know anymore!

[DuchyDuke]

That post was about a stepmum kissing a child (5 yo) against her will.

[CaraDeanna]

@DuchyDuke there were also many posters who stayed they'd be angry if SM kissed their child on the lips regardless of circumstances. This is more what I was referring to. Apologies I should've made that clearer.

[Calaisienne]

There are good mothers and poor mothers, but that’s OK because we must bow down to their superior status. Step-mothers are wrong by default simply because they are not the birth mother.

This rule applies always, if they are also birth mothers and the step issues are affecting their own children they must immediately take their children and set up Home on their own.
Step is a synonym for mug

[Mannix]

Kissing on the lips is a difficult example I think, because people have such different ideas about it. Personally I don't kiss my own DC on the lips, it's just not something I'd ever do, so it would be really weird to think of a step mum doing it.

I also wouldn't want them to call her Mummy, and there are certain other specific things that I would definitely see as my role rather than hers (eg taking my DD shopping for her first bra or her prom dress or something).

Helping them get dressed or have a bath would be fine though.

My DC don't have a step mum btw, this is just theoretical.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Well you surely don't expect a whole load of rules, do you?

It's a case by case basis. I would expect a stepmum to be sensitive to the position of the mother, and play it by ear.

As for bathing, getting kids dressed etc, has the dad completely opted out of parenting or is this just occasional?

[NorthernSpirit]

You basically can’t win.

My OH has an extremely vitriolic bitter EW. I could go on for hours about some of the stunts she’s pulled - mainly using her own children as weapons.

I have taken a step back. I let my OH take the lead and I gauge how the kids are feeling about stuff. In the NY my 12 year old DSD told me about how she’d been telling her class what she did with her ‘step mum’ I was really taken aback. Don’t force things and give it time.

[CaraDeanna]

@Helmetbymidnight of course he hasn't opted out it's just easier if we both do it. Some days I will whilst he cooks, some days he will whilst I'm doing something else. We are both equally involved in home stuff.

[Motherwell91]

I think as long as you have the best interest of the child in mind at all times and keep any views that are negative about birth mother to yourself your on for a winner. You let the child in a way decide the sort of relationship you have. I have an amazing step mum. She came into my life in my teens and we didn't have a great relationship to start with but she respected the boundaries I put in place and slowly in time the walls came down. Now we having a very close relationship.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I love my DS's step-Mum. She is one of my closest friends. I guess it works because:
a. She wasn't OW.
b. She's really nice and mature and boundaried.
c. She's got a job she likes - my DS isn't 'her world'.
d. She doesn't go on FB with my DS saying 'my world'
e. My ex does most of the hands-on parenting and also, with me, the decision making re ds.
f. She doesn't go to events that I or ex can go to instead.
g. She is easy to talk to.
h. She's just like a really nice presence in DS's life and has been since he was 6, over 12 years ago!

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

You can do what you want but it’s never a good idea to involve yourself in arguments (particularly where this causes a 2:1 situation), or bad mouth the children’s mother, nor roll your eyes when mum is mentioned, nor attempt to suggest your parenting methods are better to the children concerned. Don’t ask the children to keep secrets (because they won’t) and don’t demand that their other parent isn’t spoken about in your presence. Allow the children 1:1 time with their parent. Remember the children love their other parent, however flawed, and that they are half of them. When you slag off mum, you are slagging off half of them. Do not argue about mum in front of them and do not begrudge maintenance. Above all, children know and you might think the raised eyebrows go unnoticed or the sneaky little signs to dad which undermine something mum has said/done go unnoticed but they don’t.

[CaraDeanna]

@ohreallyohreallyoh I'm actually quite shocked that anyone would do any of those things!

[NotUmbongoUnchained]

I think a mother will either be accepting of a step mother or not, and there is no in between. Personally, I would never accept another woman acting like a mother to my kids.

[CaraDeanna]

@NotUmbongoUnchained you'd never accept your ex's new partner? Full stop?

[NotUmbongoUnchained]

I don’t care if he had a partner, just don’t want them involved with my kids. Luckily I don’t have to worry about it as my ex hasn’t seen his child for 3 years and is being raised by my husband.

[Beamur]

Helmetbymidnight that's a great post.
I'm a SM to 2 and whilst I'm not best friends with DH's ex, we get on well, I respect (and really want) her to be the kids primary carer. I'm a significant part of the family, but would defer all big decisions to the parents.
Every family is different though, a friend of mine is SM to a child whose mother is not around, so she plays a much more active role.

[swingofthings]

Totally agree with Mannix, the issue is that what won't bother one mum will feel like provocation by another one. It depends on so many factors, there is no right or wrong.

The first stage is what the child is happy with. In this case, she's happy to kiss you on the lip. The second is whether mum gets to know about it or not. If my kids kissed their SM on the lips, I certainly never got to know about it. The third is how would you respond if the mum was to say that a particular action/behaviour caused her a problem. Do you say 'tough pretend the child is not yours when they are with us' or do you respect her wishes and if so, to which extent?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Cara unfortunately, that has been my children’s experience. They have had 10 years of it across 4 different women. They have all been the same. It is, of course, something to do with my ex and what he tells them, but the speed with which they join in and stress out my children is telling. I am a model ex (if I do say so myself!) as a general rule. I keep my distance, there is no drama over contact or holidays. He pays no maintenenace and I just accept it, manage all childcare (including paying for it on his time) etc etc. But there is persistent bad mouthing.

[KnittinKitten]

That post was about a stepmum kissing a child (5 yo) against her will.

It wasn’t even a step mum. It was the first time meeting dad’s new girlfriend.

[CaraDeanna]

@ohreallyohreallyoh blimey. How on earth you deal with that I don't know!

It's so hard picking up as a step mum but I feel like I do a good job. I don't make big decisions I just support DP and give him advice when he needs it. I do one school run per week as his work won't allow for this (crazy hours), I cook for all of us, do bedtime stories (with Dad there too), I guess I just do everything a mum would do but to a much lesser extent.

I would never dream of saying anything bad about her mum in front of her. Her mum has been quite awful, disappears on holiday without telling DP, badmouths me even though we have met and I am nothing but kind (it's more issues with her ex I think).

I just worry. There is so much negativity towards step parents. Overstepping, not doing enough etc. I guess I just need to carry on doing what I'm doing!

[KnittinKitten]

Step mum rules:

-Don’t hang children from the washing line. They don’t like it and it makes them go a funny shape.
-don’t cut the toast into soldiers. But also, do cut it into soldiers and then try and explain how you can’t stick toast back together when they wail in despair at their broken toast.
-don’t kick puppies. It’s just not ok.
-don’t leave the airing cupboard door open. The cat will get in there.
-don’t tell anyone you bought ice cream. Hide it at the back of the freezer.

[CaraDeanna]

And when I say 'everything a mum would do' I mean on a normal evening. Not in life in general before someone points that out.

[Follyfoot]

It would be hard to take into account the mother's feelings on every single subject - after all how would you know what she might consider inappropriate? A lot of it is common sense and making it up as you go isn't it:

Anything relating to the children's educational choices is between the parents. I wouldn't attend a parent's evening or look round a school.

Anything related to maintenance is again between the parents. Any requests for additional money for trips etc I might discuss with DH.

Anything health related again is usually between the parents. Although DSS has asked me to take him to both A & E and out patient appointments, each time I have asked him to check that his Mum is OK with that.

Always bite your tongue about the mother's behaviour if it is unreasonable, children dont want to hear either parent criticised.

Bathing and dressing I'd do, that just seems entirely sensible to me.

Finally, I'd say with smaller decisions, its a case of what is best for the children. If a child needs a hug because they are upset, it wouldn't cross my mind not to hug them in case their mother would consider that inappropriate. Bigger decisions, then I would think 'what I would want a step parent to do for my DC'.

[StillMissV]

@NotUmbongoUnchained wait - so it's ok that your son is being raised by YOUR partner but I as my husbands partner, by your judgement, should not be involved with his son? We live together, we are married, we have a child together but I should do what, ignore the existence of my stepson?! That's a bit off?!?!

[CodLiverOil556]

Ive got a couple of step-children. I've never hugged or kissed them in the 12 years I've been in their lives. I have always taken a step back but have been there if they needed me.

Unfortunately their mum hates me and slags me off at every opportunity she gets so the poor kids are very conflicted...they will never tell her they've had a good time at my house. My DH (their dad) have gone on to have 2 more children and ex-W has said they are to be called half siblings.

The only thing is has ever achieved is to hurt and upset the kids but she'll never see that

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

I'm a Mum to a child with a Step Mum. He's known her for 6 years, she's kind, patient and loving with him, she's pleased to see him when he goes there and she's never criticised me or done anything to make DS1's life tougher. He buys her a Mothers Day card and gift every year and tells me that when I'm not there she's like a Mum to him. I have two choices about how I handle that; either I throw a tantrum and try to 'own' him or I smile and agree that she's pretty great. I choose the latter because for us it's the only way that actually helps DS1 feel good about the fact that his Dad and I live apart. Which, lets face it, is shit enough to deal with without needing to throw jealous parents into the mix.

As far as I can tell the only way to Step-Parent successfully is to love them as much as you can and to always be positive about the things you hear and see. It can't be an easy challenge; I'm sure she has moments of thinking "for fucks sake" but then, so do I and he came from me.