So what are step-mums allowed and not allowed to do?

[CaraDeanna]

I read so much on here about step parents crossing the line. There's a current thread about step mums kissing their SCs on the lips. My SD is 7 and she will jump on me and kiss me on the lips in the morning. I don't initiate it but it's never seemed inappropriate. What about bathing? Getting kids dressed? Etc.

This is in no way an inflammatory post. I'm a good step-mum and provide when I need to. I'm just confused regarding what I am and am not allowed to do and what a role as a step-mother is supposed to be. There are so many opinions on this that I just don't bloody know anymore!

still
Well yes the kids live with me, and it’s not my fault her dad buggered off. But that’s not the point I’m making. My Dd wouldn’t have a dad if my husband didn’t step up. If my ex stuck around and got a gf, they would still have me

Dh's children (12 and 10 - I have known them for 6 years) live with us. I make every effort to treat the dsc as I do my own ds. I am a tactile parent and DH and I try to both spend one on one time with all of our children. I am now the primary caregiver as DH has a demanding job and their mother only sees them every other weekend. I didn't necessarily sign up for this, however the dsc need a regular and steady maternal influence. Dh's ex father-in-law paid for our legal fees to gain residency after they realised the impact their own daughter was having on her children.
I am fully aware that the dsc's mother hates me and she takes every opportunity to criticise my parenting of her children, however in this situation I am confident that this is purely malice.
Every situation is different. My stepmother was very good at not getting involved in the family politics and instead concentrated on just being a really encouraging and kind person to my brother and I. She still is and I am forever indebted to her for this.

As to bathing and dressing, DS1 is 12 so it's not needed but previously I'd have been ok with it. It's totally dependent on what the child is comfortable with; if they ask for help, you give it.

@ohreallyohreallyoh blimey. How on earth you deal with that I don't know!

I am immune! We are now entering our teenage years and it is beginning -albeit slowly -to unravel for the ex. I sat my bottom on the moral,high ground years ago and just prayed it would all come right. They love their dad but they can see the mess he has created and the unfairness of it all to me. This is what I aimed for - that they would make up their own minds in their own time. That’s how I coped.

This is y I think the step parent should always meet the mother. It means that the DCs likes and dislikes, what's appropriate or not and parenting styles can be discussed.

It gives comfort to the mother and let's step mum get a good idea of how to bond with DC.

I agree with pp it all depends on the preferred parenting style of the mother. I would want my DC brought up a certain way and if they had a step mum I'd fully expect her to respect my wishes.

If I WAS a step mum I'd take me cues from the mother as stated above.

woshambo taking cues is fine if the birth parent has appropriate cues to take from. I won't allow the dsc to spend hours on their iPods or games consoles and they are only allowed age appropriate games/films. The dsc are allowed unlimited time and to watch or play any certification when they visit their mother. She refuses to do homework with them and has never attended a parents evening in their current school.
Sadly the situation in which a step parent arises is often not one where a single across-the-board set of rules fits all!

Re taking cues, there is also the child's father to include here. A good father is perfectly able to to explain the child's dislikes and likes, and what is appropriate. The mother doesn't have a monopoly on the 'right' way to do everything and cant expect all her wishes to be respected at all times.

@helmet I agree refreshingly lovely post! Can you swap with EW that I have?!

I do think kissing on lips isn’t the best example. It’s very intimate and is in the arena of SM trying so hard needing kid to love them. I wouldn’t be happy doing it or my DSs SM doing it.

However there’s such a minefield out there it’s pretty impossible for a lot of SMs. Me included. EW went mental if I did any parenting of her kids at all but was happy to send them to me all the time, while DP was at work. So basically if I crossed the line from being her personal childminding slave I and DP got a barrage of abuse.

Generally I think there are some basics:

• start gradually. No expecting love, affection from the kids. Don’t jump into to parenting either. These things take time.
• give the kids space to continue their own relationships with their parents. No critiquing of Mum.
• do expect politeness and some engagement from the kids. Like they would any other adult in their lives. Don’t take rudeness or ignoring.
• treat them well. Not over trying. Just be a good role model. Treat them occasionally.
• when you move in, it’s okay to introduce some new rules, some adjustment. Everyone compromises. SMs included. That will sometimes include discipline. You can’t be the outsider, but also their own parent is the lead. This is the trickiest but if it works the rewards for everyone could be great.

I definitely wouldn't be happy about anyone kissing my DC on the lips, but I don't either.
Just from a germs/cold sore point of view you're probably best off teaching her to kiss people on the cheek instead so kissing people on the lips is not normalised.

Getting dressed and bathing is fine. Just think what you'd do with a child you were looking after for a friend or sibling, so basic care but not crossing lines where its something more 'parental' like kissing on the lips or bathing with them.

EW went mental if I did any parenting of her kids at all but was happy to send them to me all the time, while DP was at work.

You see this is where step parenting becomes frustrating. The mum is happy to use you as childcare but not happy for you to parent/discipline the children when they are in your care. But then again some (Disney) dads can be like this as well!

When my step daughter is over I treat her like I would treat my own children.

If she’s naughty then il tell her off.
If she’s not ate enough tea then I will say no to pudding.
If she needs help with homework then il Help her.
If she wants me to watch her play a game il watch.
If I need a hand ‘doing the dishes’ then I ask.
If she needs a hand with bath time I help.

I feel that while she is in our house then she goes by our rules.

The only think I do is go up to my bedroom to get dressed away from her but half the time she follows me up anyway and comes into the bedroom to ask something.

SMs are wrong by default, nothing I do is ever right apparently.

I think the early days will lay out the relationship. If your an ow or got with him within weeks of the split i dont think it will ever be nice.
My situation was odd. She was the ow but i was so desperate for him to leave me, because he wouldnt allow me to end it. In my head we were over but he had other ideas. So i felt nothing but relief when he went off with her.
I think our relationship is good because she know realises how shit ex is.
She has never put me down. She is so very kind to dd. She has an aunt type relationship with dd. Dd really loves her, like she loves my best friend.
Although im going to have to sticky nose in there relationship now which im dreading. Dd told me he has been horrible tp his gf and dd is cuddling her while she cries. Thats gonna be a fun chat.

Oh and my biggest tip is dont be pushed into doing all the wife work. It breeds resentment.

EW went mental if I did any parenting of her kids at all but was happy to send them to me all the time, while DP was at work

Are you being entirely honest there? Did she send her children to you to be looked after or were you looking after the children so that contact was regular regardless of your partner’s working pattern?

I think children generally like routine and regular contact. This can be problematic when an ex works on a shifting rota basis. I think this fact is sometimes used conviently to vilify mum rather than acknowledge the difficulties of the shifting rota and what it can do to contact.

@NotUmbongoUnchained you sound so hypocritical. It's ok for your husband to be involved with your DC but not your ex's partner?!

I agree it is hypocritical.

I have 2 (now grown up) step daughters. Was very difficult when they were growing up as their mother was so volatile. One minute they weren't allowed to meet me the next she would drop them off as couldn't cope. I also had a step Mum growing up, I now consider myself to have 4 parents. My step Mum and step Dad are as much parents to me as my biological parents. They all get on well and although at times my Mum probably found my relationship with my step Mum hard as I lived a lot closer and saw my step Mum more she always just said that she was glad I had someone locally to go to. They all thought of my needs first and there was none of this ridiculous behaviour not slowing the step parent to be involved etc.

I know it is. I just can’t help how I feel.
Although, it’s not something I have to worry about.

@ohreally
Yes I’m being honest, we had one child full time and the other two every weekend. DP used to work long hours during the week and paid maintenance for all three to EW. That was their agreement.

EW used to just send them to our house at other times without asking or even telling us knowing full well DP was at work. The reasons she gave were she didn’t have their dinner, or she had her boyfriend, or she wanted a rest day, or wanted to clean the house. Often when the kids had holidays or half days at school. She only worked two weekends a month and at no other times.

When I told her that I at the very least needed to be told as she knew I was a Sahm, she went ballistic and told me clearly that the kids didn’t need any parenting from anyone so what was the problem. The youngest at that time was nine.

Ive got a couple of step-children. I've never hugged or kissed them in the 12 years I've been in their lives

Jesus Christ.

Idontbelieveinthemoon you sound lovely

So much depends on relations with the EX partner/ Wife IMO. If they are more accepting of your role in their DC's lives, then I think that naturally leads to lesser conflict within the children and the role of the SM can evolve naturally into a more nurturing hands on role.

If the EW is a weapon of mass destruction, then the role of SM is far trickier (and frankly hideous) to navigate.

My DP's EW is the latter. My role in his DC's lives is very much to take a back seat. I am welcoming, warm, kind yet give them their space and let them spend time with my DP. If they come to me I will always give them a hug and play with them, I let them set the tempo. Because every single time they come, I have no idea how unsettled they will be. A few months ago, DP's eldest asked if she could have her nails painted and if I would do it. She has come previously with very natural painted nails before so I know she is allowed to have it done. But I told my DP (out of the DC's earshot) to paint them. I knew that if she had returned home and said that I had done this, it would cause huge problems. So I completely step back and fulfill very little of a 'parenting' role and leave that to DP. My role will evolve naturally, the DC's know I love them and am a constant. That is enough for us all.

My ExH's DP on the other hand has a very different relationship with my DC. Because I am not threatened by her. I understand that children have limitless amounts of love and just because another woman is providing them with nurturing care, it takes nothing away from the love they have for me. In actual fact, I think it lends to their sense of security and teaches them a very important lesson, that love can be found from many places. I can think of very little that she could do that would bother me tbh.