Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

[happygirl87]

Come over to my SM support thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/2445190-Anyone-else-had-enough-Join-me-for-a-glass-of-virtual-prosecco (hope that link works!) - we're very non judgemental and have virtual to pass round!

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

It's completely unacceptable to treat your DD like a second hand citizen.

It's also completely unacceptable to undermine your parenting in your own house. Especially if he's at work and expecting you to pick up the childcare.

The leg humping and kissing like that is very inappropriate. I'd be telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable and asking her to stop.

Have you googled "Little wife syndrome"?

I'd carry on with my parenting stance and ignore his attitude if I could. If she left a mess and didn't clear it I'd be telling him to do it. I'd also be telling her that it's time for your DD to have a cuddle with dad and for her to act like a big girl.

Sorry OP it sounds awful.

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

Thank you

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

I feel so bad because my feelings of resentment are spilling out on to DSD, she's a 6 year old child FGS. But she's been absolutely ruined, her teeth are rotten, she's overweight, she won't eat anything when she's here because she doesn't like the fact that we don't live off take away pizzas, crisps, chocolate and cola.
I've heard about little wife syndrome but have been reluctant to google it. I really don't see what I can do. Friends and family have commented on this inappropriate behaviour.

She will often climb into our bed in the middle of the night and kick me out because she hates the fact that I sleep in the same bed as her dad. She demands to sit in the passenger seat of the car next to her dad but I've put my foot down with this. When DP tells her off its very half hearted, his hearts not in it and his tone is soppy.

I'm thinking IM probably going to get flamed but I can't cope with it anymore, we had a day out yesterday and DP put his arm around me whilst DSD was on a bouncy castle, as soon as she saw that he had his arm around me she ran off he bouncy castle and screamed at me to "get off my daddy!" A man who was stood near to us said to her "she isn't on your daddy!" He put his hand on my leg in the car on the way back and she was pulling my hair and screaming "daddy I want a cuddle" from the back seat.
It's all wearing very, very thin. This has more or less being going on since she was tiny. DD doesn't carry on like this and nor did I when my DM and DF split up. It's just bizarre to say the least. And very upsetting actually.

[Duckdeamon]

His parenting of both girls sounds poor: is this something he's likely to be willing to work on? eg addressing his elder DD's behaviour, jealousy and insecurity; changing his work arrangements to spend more time with his DC (including his younger DD); agreeing and abiding by rules and discipline (eg tidying up, sanctions for hitting).

If when you set out your understandable concerns and unhappiness he's angry or dismissive and seems unlikely to be willing to change his approach then you and your DD would probably be better off not living with him.

For a start he can clear up the mess he allows his Dd to make.

When you say you have "no help" with the house do you mean he doesn't do his fair share of that either?

[Duckdeamon]

It's very unfair of you to be so hard on your DsD: she is a troubled small child in need of help and care. Your DP and his ex are her parents: they're the people you should direct your anger at.

And so what if you, your DD and anyone else wouldn't act like DsD: she's a different person! Yes her behaviour is a PITa for you but she can't change it without help and support: she's 6!

[NickiFury]

You're concerned with wrappers when the OP is describing in disgusting detail that her DP "passionately kisses" her father and "humps his leg". Possible one of the most sickening descriptions I have ever read on here. Have you addressed this with your DP or would he and most other people dismiss it as normal affection?

[ImperialBlether]

If you did split up, he wouldn't be able to see the two girls together, would he?

Your poor little girl; she should be having a lovely relationship with her elder sister, not having to put up with behaviour like that.

What the hell is his ex doing letting the little girl eat all sorts of crap so that her teeth are rotten and she's overweight? How come your husband hasn't tackled that with her?

I wouldn't want to live like that and would probably separate, even if I kept on a relationship of some kind with him. I wouldn't want to be around a little girl who was so disturbed by my presence. I know it doesn't really solve the problem, but I would find it hard to tolerate.

[ButEmilylovedhim]

Do you want to stay with your dp, op? I don't know if I could tolerate what you're describing.

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

He does absolutely nothing, he's very (as he puts it) traditional lazy when it comes to domestic duties. He wouldn't know how to work he washing machine and has washed uabout 3 times since weve been no together (over 4 years).

I just think that DSD is too old for tantrums and sexual behaviour towards her dad is just plain weird!
I think if I sat him down and explained the implications of how much of a wedge he's driving between his two DD's then he might put more effort in, for a while.

He's told me that he feels guilty that himself and DSDs DM split when she was so young and that he feels as though he has to make more of an effort with DSD than DD because he's not a round as much which strictly speaking, isn't althoether true!

[NickiFury]

My goodness me, no, wrappers on floors VERY important in grand scheme of things

[NickiFury]

This child sounds disturbed and I couldn't carry on witnessing it. Would your useless lump of a husband being open to you both seeking further help for her?

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

I want to stay with him but I feel as though I'm being driven mad!! He has approached his ex about the eating/weight/teeth (we've had her to the dentist several times) but shes said that what she feeds DSD has nothing to do with him.

duck you're right and I don't take it out on her, I'm not hard on her. Inwardly I feel like screaming but its a different picture in reality. I treat both DD's exactly the same and it is actually something I pride myself on!! I treat them a lot more equally that DP does! Maybe the fact that her behaviour is generally good for me but horrendous when DP is around speaks volumes about the way I am with her.

[NickiFury]

She's SIX! And has clearly been horribly parented. Respect for the house? Child doesn't even get her teeth brushed, she's not being TAUGHT by the ADULTS involved any respect for herself, let alone other people or her living environment.

[NickiFury]

You say you have very little tolerance for her. She's not doing anything wrong, she's being neglected significantly. What are you going to do about it?

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

He refuses to accept that his DD has a problem and let's her get away with murder which just makes everything escalate. I get accused of being a moody cow and hard to live with whn, actually I think I deal with this situation the best I can.

A lot of friends ask me how the hell I put up with it.

[NickiFury]

It's like banging my head against a brick wall engaging with you jesuis forgive me I don't bother anymore.

[NickiFury]

Yes, I can see it's hard on you and your dd but you do see that it's not your DSD that's the problem don't you? It's her useless parents. I couldn't witness this, I am just reading about it.

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

What am i going to do?? What I've been doing already, trying to teach her respect, letting her do things for herself, pulling her up on bad behaviours, speaking to her dad about her behaviour, taking her for dentist appointments to try and sort her teeth out, cooking her healthy, nutritious meals and gently encouraging her to try them, washing her clothes, taking her for days out so that her and DD can have a nice time. And you say I need to do more?

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

I completely accept that it's her parents. They're both as bad as each other, have made rods for their own backs and now everyone else is suffering for it.

She gets her teeth brushed when she's here by the way, religiously!