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I think ive really messed up...

(46 Posts)
fairy1303 Sun 10-Nov-13 17:53:01

DSD lives with us.

Her mum doesn't pay any maintenance.

She doesn't contribute 'in kind' either.

Me and DH are having issues. Around lots of things but I feel very resentful that his relationship with her is nil, to the extent that the don't communicate. If she fails to turn up, or let's DSD down, he doesn't confront her or do anything. He says my negative feelings are not helpful and he won't discuss it.

I understand what he is saying but where does the frustration go if I can't even discuss it with him?!


We are skint. Since being off on MAT leave we can barely make ends meet. Debt, everything.

I have alluded to this with DSDs mum before hoping she would offer to contribute (D0h won't ask her for money, he just wont) - I dropped it in as she asked me to pay for 1D tickets (invited me along and then made it clear I would be paying for me and DSD and travel and hotel). I said would have loved to but we are really struggling at the moment etc etc.

Today, DSD came home with a new pair of boots, claiming that they are school boots. She has perfectly good clarks shoes which we had to budget like crazy for and I was irritated (wrongly, I know) that she didn't contribute then but swans in with these now rather than asking if we need anything.

So I text her.

I tried to be very VERY nice and just said that whilst the boots were lovely we are struggling at the month and DSD has lots of things like £200 school trip to pay for, and if she is thinking of buying something it would really help us if she could contribute to that.

She is very very upset, angry, phoned MIL in tears, I'm a bitch, we're rich, it's our own fault for buying a 'big house' (3 bed terrace, not that it's relevant) - we chose to have a baby etc.

I feel like shit. It was so unnecessary of me, it's all bloody kicked off and it was just so stupid to get involved.

Things are just so awful at the moment all round.

peopletalk Sun 10-Nov-13 18:06:33

why do you feel bad you are not in the wrong here you're bringing up her child she should be contributing to her daughters upbringing financially. your partner is wrong for not pulling her up and this is putting pressure on you at a time when you should be enjoying this time with your baby.

fairy1303 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:10:45

I don't necessarily feel like I was in the wrong, but it was just unnecessary and now it's all kicked off, over a pair of bloody boots.

louby44 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:12:54

Does she work? Can she not contribute anything at all?

This just seems so wrong that she doesn't help financiallyl.

Do you get child benefit or child tax credits?

I totally sympathise and would be piss*d off too and of course your DH needs to step up and DO something too!

fairy1303 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:17:14

We get CB but not tax credits as when I'm working we are above the threshold.

She works, three days a week and then one day cash in hand at a cafe (so not exactly highly paid).

She contributes nothing. Nothing at all. Not even pants at her house. The boots are the first thing in about two years. And they were not needed and disgusting petty

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:31:30

I think it's disgraceful she doesn't financially contribute to her child and to have the nerve to cry when asked to?your dh needs to get tough with her and tell jher she needs to contribute and should back you up.

catsmother Sun 10-Nov-13 22:09:40

I think it's also disgraceful that your DH won't push for his ex to pay up - at the end of the day if she won't voluntarily, he could go the CSA for example.

By failing to do this he's letting his daughter down, and, he's letting you down, because in having to pay 100% of his older child's expenses, that invariably means there's less money for the household as a whole.

If his ex were a man, she'd be described as a "deadbeat dad" or a "feckless father". This is no different. I mean, who the hell does she think she is to do nothing for her daughter ?

And why the hell does DH condone this - okay he can't help the way she behaves or her attitude, but he has a responsibility to do all he can to negate the effects of that on SD and on you - by applying for the support SD is rightfully entitled to (the lack of which affects the whole family) and by not giving any airspace to an hysterical ex who calls you a bitch for politely and tactfully asking for something tiny (in the wider picture of things). You did nothing wrong and he should be supportive, not critical, seeing as you're in the role of full time mum for his child.

I just don't understand his attitude - a failure to confront a difficult ex and/or condoning unreasonable behaviour can often be due to fear of losing contact - which clearly doesn't apply here. So why is he apparently still wary of "rocking the boat" with this appallingly irresponsible ex - and you're supposed to just "put up and shut up" ?!?

fairy1303 Sun 10-Nov-13 22:39:51

Because he's lazy.

Because he's an arse.

We are not getting along at all. I'm sick of it all. I'm so sick of him being so ineffectual and then not even understanding why I would find his lack of passion irritating.

The thing is - he found before - he fought bloody hard before for his daughter so I don't understand why now he just let's her get away with it?!

His argument is and always is : I have DSD. She is safe, happy, well cared for. I don't have to fight DSDs mum anymore (when she was born he had to fight, plead, beg for an hour a week and to be put on the BC) ironic really.

He says any unpleasantness just impacts on DSD and for what? £5 per week (she's very low income).

For me it's about the principle.

mumandboys123 Sun 10-Nov-13 22:49:32

I don't know if it'll help or not but my ex doesn't pay any maintenance and hasn't done in 5 years. I have a case open with the CSA which progresses slowly but after the first few months of our separation, I stopped asking for money. It's degrading. And I got fed up of being lied to (yeah, no problem, I'll transfer it across to you....). There is nothing on earth that could get me to discuss money with him - he knows what he should be doing, he doesn't do it, he has no intention of doing it, so why bother asking?

mynewpassion Mon 11-Nov-13 07:26:03

What's more important: principle or having her safe, happy, and well-cared for even if the family is skint? Your DH likely has weighed the odds and probably thinks principle is shit at the expense of his daughter's safety and happiness.

TheMumsRush Mon 11-Nov-13 07:34:42

If I was that mother I would be squirming in shame, not getting on the phone to the pil and trying to fight my case. She was the one better to keep quiet, and realise her dd is cared for and safe. I'd be asking what the little spare money I had can go towards. But that's just me

Maybe83 Mon 11-Nov-13 09:05:14

I don't take child maintenance from my dd father and we don't pay any to dh child's mother. We do split school costs and organise bday s and Xmas our selves or would contribute to big cost s if the other requested it works for us. We all earn relatively low incomes so it doesn't make much sense for us...and we all split custody 50/50.

I wouldn't have text her to be honest and I do think you were out of line the issue is in your relationship with your dh not your relationship with her. And in some ways I think your dh is right why cause mayhem and madness for 5 a week. I personally wouldn't. And when it comes to children I learnt a long time ago that causing mayhem for the principle is usually not the best approach. It causes upset and more problems than is worth.

But it boils down to your not happy with your dh position on this which is your fully entitled to be in your relationship. I don't know there seems to be lots of issues on going at the minute I don't really know we're you should start.

fairy1303 Mon 11-Nov-13 09:12:49

I agree with everything you are saying, maybe. My issue is with DH.
My issue is with her, too, but it is escalated because it builds up due to DH.

I do feel that if she has spare money, she should ask what we need, rather than buying something that she DOESNT need...

For example, when we were buying all new school uniform (new school) at start of term, she contributed nothing. Didn't even offer - she knows she's starting a new school so must know she needed stuff. She could have bought anything and it would have helped - lunchbox, the tops, any of the cheaper stuff but she didnt.

I agree with DH that he doesn't want to ask for maintenance - I do get his reasons but when we are so skint and she needs so much, asking that she contributes that rather than spending it on random stuff is completely reasonable I think!

And she has told her they are school shoes so now I am the ogre having to say she can't wear high heeled studded plastic boots to school (at 8!)

ElenorRigby Mon 11-Nov-13 09:27:45

"The thing is - he found before - he fought bloody hard before for his daughter so I don't understand why now he just let's her get away with it?!

His argument is and always is : I have DSD. She is safe, happy, well cared for. I don't have to fight DSDs mum anymore (when she was born he had to fight, plead, beg for an hour a week and to be put on the BC) ironic really.

He says any unpleasantness just impacts on DSD and for what? £5 per week (she's very low income)."

Actually I can see his point of view.

If my DSD lived with us full time and her mother had no power I would just be bloody relieved tbh. It would be a huge weight of all our shoulders not have our lives controlled by the ex.

Maybe83 Mon 11-Nov-13 09:30:22

I wouldn't be the one to tell her she can't your dh should.

He has to step up and deal with the consequence s of the decision he has made. Letting you do all the bad cop parenting especially against things her mam has said or done will only cause damage more damage to your relationship with sd and isn't fair.

I no longer think about what my ex has or my dh ex has or is doing. I just focus on our family and accept that sometimes we'll have more to give or we'll struggle to provide for all our children. I use to be driven demented thinking oh well for them etc. it doesn't help and only use to annoy me.!

Petal02 Mon 11-Nov-13 10:30:10

I get so sick of men who won't rock the boat with their ex's, even when the ex has very limited power to retaliate. Spineless behaviour.

SidneyBristow Mon 11-Nov-13 11:02:26

If your DH is adamant that he'll never go after her for child support, then he needs to make sure the financial gap is closed by his efforts, not yours. Surely he could come up with an extra 260/yr, if it's so insignificant. There's no reason the family at large should scrape by just because he's choosing to not hold her accountable.

Also I think it would go along way towards helping if he were the one dealing with his ex's agita, not you. Just bc he can't speak to her doesn't mean he can't be the one explaining to your DSD why her hideous, tacky new boots aren't appropriate for school. Barring that, let her wear them, and let her teacher point out that they don't meet uniform requirements.

I think pulling back a little will help you feel a little more in control. thanks

TheMumsRush Tue 12-Nov-13 08:28:03

Fairy, can I ask, what happened with the Xmas arrangements in the end?

thistlelicker Tue 12-Nov-13 08:34:15

Sounds like your not winning this battle at all. All u need now is the mudder in law to come along and tip u further over the edge :-(

fairy1303 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:00:50

We're having Xmas eve, Xmas morning, lunch. Mum is having her from 4pm Xmas day, bringing her back on Boxing Day.

She has already started to say that if she has to collect her then she won't be able to have her as she has split up with her bf who had a car.

As I'm the only one who drives I'm going to have to either not drink, miss some of my sons first Xmas day or be the bad guy refusing to do it.

I am just feeling so down at the moment. I love my DSD but I wish it didn't come with all this shit.

Petal02 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:19:39

Do NOT do the driving on Christmas Day!!!

fairy1303 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:23:49

I'm not planning to but how will she pick her up? Is too far to walk, no public transport and would cost her loads in taxis!

Petal02 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:30:34

Fairy - not your problem!!

thistlelicker Tue 12-Nov-13 10:31:53

Just keep dsd for Xmas ?? What about mil ? Doesshe drive??

fairy1303 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:35:58

Can't keep DSD was a big deal anyway as mum wanted whole of Christmas as had never had her before and DH said no so this was compromise.

MIL does drive but will be doing lunch, have whole family there so doesn't want to either.

I might tell DH to get on my insurance for the day.

I know it's not my problem but she kind of treats me like it is

Do you know when she was upset about me asking for money rather than boots in future she said 'but fairy has a good job, why can't she bloody pay, she chose to have a fucking baby'!!!

Once when I refused to ferry DSD around to wherever mum was (DH was wiring) she text me loads of abuse about how she just wanted to see HER and DHs daughter and I should just get on a facilitate that.

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