I think ive really messed up...

[fairy1303]

DSD lives with us.

Her mum doesn't pay any maintenance.

She doesn't contribute 'in kind' either.

Me and DH are having issues. Around lots of things but I feel very resentful that his relationship with her is nil, to the extent that the don't communicate. If she fails to turn up, or let's DSD down, he doesn't confront her or do anything. He says my negative feelings are not helpful and he won't discuss it.

I understand what he is saying but where does the frustration go if I can't even discuss it with him?!

Anyway.

We are skint. Since being off on MAT leave we can barely make ends meet. Debt, everything.

I have alluded to this with DSDs mum before hoping she would offer to contribute (D0h won't ask her for money, he just wont) - I dropped it in as she asked me to pay for 1D tickets (invited me along and then made it clear I would be paying for me and DSD and travel and hotel). I said would have loved to but we are really struggling at the moment etc etc.

Today, DSD came home with a new pair of boots, claiming that they are school boots. She has perfectly good clarks shoes which we had to budget like crazy for and I was irritated (wrongly, I know) that she didn't contribute then but swans in with these now rather than asking if we need anything.

So I text her.

I tried to be very VERY nice and just said that whilst the boots were lovely we are struggling at the month and DSD has lots of things like £200 school trip to pay for, and if she is thinking of buying something it would really help us if she could contribute to that.

She is very very upset, angry, phoned MIL in tears, I'm a bitch, we're rich, it's our own fault for buying a 'big house' (3 bed terrace, not that it's relevant) - we chose to have a baby etc.

I feel like shit. It was so unnecessary of me, it's all bloody kicked off and it was just so stupid to get involved.

Things are just so awful at the moment all round.

Your DH is behaving outrageously towards you by expecting you to shoulder the material and financial burden of bringing up his daughter without requiring DSD's own mother to contribute in a meaningful way.

I agree with Bonsoir.

Right, this woman is irresponsible and pays nothing for the upkeep of her own child. Does it really matter what she thinks of you ? .... it's clear there's only one person out of the two of you taking the responsibility for this child (who isn't theirs), and one who seems to view SD as something of a plaything to be picked up when it suits.

No-one has said she can't see SD on Xmas Day - but if this is something she wants so badly, it's up to her to make it happen, whether or not she has a convenient BF to play chauffeur. She could save for a taxi, ask a friend or a relative, or maybe postpone seeing SD until another day (Boxing Day ?) when public transport's working again. Whatever - this is her problem.

She obviously views you as a cash cow (the 1D tickets, snide remarks about your house and job, unforgiveable comments about the baby - "fucking" baby is just vile) and clearly has no appreciation for the massive role you've taken on as full time carer for her child. You really do need to try to stop fretting about her worthless opinions of you.

SD will be available for pickup if her mother can collect her. Anything else isn't an option unless the mother makes alternative arrangements. End of. Please don't feel pressured into solving this.

I agree too. I think I am only just seeing it for what it is.

So what now?

I think you have to work out, in your own mind, what you feel that you are prepared to do for DSD and what is beyond the call of duty/love. Clearly facilitating access for DSD and her mother is not your job: never do the chauffeuring between homes.

I speak as someone who has spent the best part of this morning exchanging emails with DSS1, who is French and at first year of university in England. His first essay is due in on Friday and he asked me to proofread and comment. I am extremely happy to do that for him. But never, ever ask me to put myself out for his mother, who is negligent, irresponsible, self-serving...

Yes, I know what you mean. I'm quite happy to help DSS with any aspect of his Uni life, but would rather stick pins in my eyes than help his manipulative mother!!!!

We had a similar situation except that we had three dsds for 50% of the time (mostly - the two eldest both spent 18 months each 100% with us) and my dh's ex is a VERY high earner and my dh a VERY low earner.

The ex point blank refused to pay any sort of maintenance to us - said she'd rather go to prison than give us a penny. She would drag my dsds into it all the time and make their lives hell moaning about their dad to them and how useless he was (the reasons my dh is a low earner are complicated but are largely a result of decisions made about childcare etc during their 22 year marriage).

Anyway in the end we just decided to let it go. Yes she made our blood boil on many occasions but it was better for our peace of mind and the happiness of my dsds that we didn't pursue her for money. My ex also doesn't pay a penny for my two dds and hasn't done for 13 years. Luckily I am reasonably well paid (still only a third of dh's ex though) and we have managed. Dsds are now all at uni/grown up. The youngest ended up living at her Mum's full time for the last couple of years for an easy life and dh's ex had the cheek to keep asking us for money!

But I guess perhaps the difference was that my dh and I were very united and all the decisions re giving up the fight were joint ones and so I didn't resent him for them?

Maybe it's worth trying to let it go for the sake of your marriage and your dsd's happiness? But I'm not in your position so who am I to say?!

What now ?

You adopt a stuck record technique re: Xmas. Respond "As previously agreed, SD will be available to be collected from 4pm Xmas Day. Please confirm you have made arrangements to do this as soon as possible so we can tell SD what's happening. If this isn't possible, we are open to discussion about another day in the festive period when you could have SD instead" .... or something like that. But don't offer any "solutions" yourself, and definitely don't apologise for not doing the driving. And if she keeps ranting on, just ignore her until she calms down and is willing to discuss contact for another day. If you don't hear anything concrete re: Xmas Day from her say, 2 weeks prior (or whatever you think is reasonable) it's fair to chase her up and say that if you don't hear from her by such and such date you'll assume she can't make it and will plan for SD staying all day at yours.

Catsmother is spot on

I agree with catsmother. The ex's transportation problem isn't yours to solve; it isn't really even your husband's, but if push came to shove it's more his responsibility than it is yours, so let him deal with it. As you said he could get himself on your insurance for the day (or two, bc it sounds as though someone will have to go DSD on Boxing Day) and if he can't/won't, then he can figure out something that does not involve you doing the legwork for DSD's mum.

Hell would freeze over before I spent a minute away from my son on his first Christmas, to play cabbie for some useless woman who dared to send me nasty texts.

Has your DH actually asked you to do this, or is it just assumed that you will?

No DH hasn't asked me. He doesn't even know it is an issue yet - all messages are passed through MIL and mum has made it very clear that she expects me to drop her off. She knows DH has no car anymore since we had to sell it so knows it would be me doing it.

Well, tough then. I can't believe the cheek of this woman!

Can I ask why this is all going via MIL ? At the very least, because she's expecting so much of you, it would be courteous to communicate directly with you - and that of course would also remove any possibility of Chinese whispers, messages not being passed on quite correctly and so on. However, what really should be happening here is that the ex communicates with DP - this is their daughter after all, and it is up to them to organise contact arrangements.

Anyway, remember the stuck record approach however and whoever ends up responding to her. She can bloody well "expect" all she likes but that won't make it happen will it ?

Christ poor you. I think you were very restrained about the boots by the way.

Do not drive on Christmas day it is not your responsibility as she has pointed out DSD is her daughter and therefore if she wanted her she should come get her. Do not do it you have been taken advantage of already and you need to put a stop to it. Easier said than done I know.

I hope you are keeping all the texts.

Why on earth is MIL facilitating this??

She is not facilitating but she feels that someone should be in communication with her - it was only through MIL that we found out she had moved out of our area and into her brothers spare room, for example.

MIL has made it clear there will be no lift from me or her.

I have told DH to tell her now so she can save for a taxi.

Oh good. Glad to hear MIL is not like mine pandering to her!

Stick to your guns and don't you dare feel guilty.

She has been known to in the past but with this she is sticking to her guns!

Good on you Fairy! I know taxi's are more like triple time at Christmas but if you can't do the dropping off then mum should be making her own arrangements to be able to see her daughter. How far away does she live from you? Walk if she has to!

I totally understand how you feel. My DSD mum isn't even buying her daughter anything for Christmas but will make it out to her that she's contributed to Santa. We've no idea if she wants to see her over Christmas or not. It would be handy to know as we'd like to make our own plans. But guaranteed if we do, she'll suddenly pop up with "Oh, but I wanted to see DSD!"

Just re reading what I posted and it should have said she will say I want to see DD not DSD. Sorry! That's what you get when your trying to type while kids are climbing over you or asking for something.