My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

[compo]

My dh is a grumpy arse at the weekends
he wants to do his own thing and be left alone
which of course he can't be with a six and three yr old!

[sincitylover]

I found that unfortunately when we had the dcs the gender roles became more polarised.

So some h's think they can carry on as before and possibly have a sense of entitlement to do so because they earn more money. Sad but true.

So you by default become the childcarer.

My exh used to go out on the lash most Fridays which tended to ruin any semblance of a family weekend.

he was like a bear with sore head on Sats, didn't want to do anything social on a sat night (even just have a drink inside with me), used to go to bed early and then also have lie down on Sunday afternoon while I just carried on with dcs.

It was very lonely and miserable.

Karma has bitten him on the bum tho because he now has dts so can't do that palming off thing anymore.

Hard to change someone imo sorry

[prettylegsgreatbigknockers]

My first husband was like this. I divorced him.

[foureleven]

Accept it or leave him im afraid. Sorry. He wont change.

[Sessypoos]

If he cant be bothered to help you, stop helping him;
Dont shop for him, dont cook for him, dont wash his clothes etc.
At least one thing will have changed

[GypsyMoth]

he wont change.....you'll have to....

[AnyFucker]

The only change I would be making is a change of partner

Sorry

[GypsyMoth]

thats what i meant AF....change myself,and my future

[AnyFucker]

agreed, TBB

[SixtyFootDoll]

My Dh used to be like this
so
I stopped washing his clothes
I topped making him cups of tea/ meals
I stopped ironing his things
I stopped EVERYTHING

I stopped including him in family days out, he soon got the message

[expatinscotland]

Got here too late, I see AnyFucker's been here already.

I agree with her.

And every man I went out with who had a mother who did everything for him and he hadn't learned that in modern times, women don't appreciate being treated like skivvies, went to the kerb pretty sharpish.

You married a child, not a man.

I'd never have been interested beyond a date or two.

[secretskillrelationships]

It took me a very long time to realise that if I explained something and my now ex still did nothing it was not my explanation that was at fault. Brought home to me big time when my then 5 year old understood something the first time that I'd been trying to explain to his dad for years.

Unfortunately, your DH has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. It all comes down to how big a deal it is for you. But a word of warning, what he does now your DCs will copy. Be very aware where you are heading in the longer term. My DD told me once that women are obviously the stronger sex as they do everything! This is not how I want her to think relationships work.

The biggest shock in the few months after he left was how much of the work was created by him. Am gradually retraining DCs to take more responsibility for the mess they create but it won't happen overnight. Interestingly, even though my standards are far from high at present, the older 2 (12 and 10) have commented on their dad's poor housekeeping skills and actually appreciate that I ensure they have clean clothes, food etc when they need them.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

None of my friends or myself have partners like this in RL. I just do not get it.

I have a DH who is my partner in all we do, and yes there are areas where I do more, but then there are areas where he does more. However I cannot fathom being with anyone and shleping around after them like they were some grotty teenager.

Hit him where it hurts, metaphorically. You need to find his tipping point and take something from him. What are these hobbies he has?

[thricenay]

Hi jiggle - at least yours works full time. mine is p/t term-time and still has to be constantly nagged/cajoled/reminded to do even the tiniest bit. the trouble with leaving stuff as everyone's advising is that you have to put up with the place looking like crap which obviously you won't because if you didn't mind that you wouldn't be posting this. I dunno what the answer is frankly - I never felt that leaving was such a great idea though...

[scarlotti]

Mine is the same. We're in relate but I'm not overly hopeful tbh. I agree that they rarely change.
My mil did everything for him and that's part of the problem.

Good luck.

[AnyFucker]

I feel so bad to say this (because I am a woman's woman)

But why do perfectly sane and otherwise-sensible women put up with this kind of shit ?

If you let them treat you like this...what incentive does an immature, lazy fecker have to change ?

None

Stop babying your lazy husband

Simple

[secretskillrelationships]

Also meant to say, this was the only thing we ever rowed about. Never had an argument about money the whole time we were together! With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I'd sorted it earlier. It seemed a petty thing to be unable to sort out but actually I think it was pretty fundamental. I also had the 'It's more important to you than me' stuff and lowered my standards repeatedly. I never found his standards.

It got much worse after children and he did less as each child was born. By number 3, he only changed napplies when we were visiting friends! By the time he left, while he did sometimes cook and shop, the only jobs which were exclusively his were cutting the grass and putting the bins out (he now pays DS1 to cut the grass!).

Relate talk about a marriage being a partnership of two equal adults. Which bit of 'partnership', 'equal' and 'adults' do you need to look at?

[UnrequitedSkink]

I'm in a similar situation and despite years of 'telling him how I feel' nothing ever really changes for very long. I have to get petulant and stroppy and upset, then he helps for a little bit (and expects praise) and then it all reverts to the same old same old. I feel like a drudge sometimes, making dinner every night and then often being ignored when I call him and DS to come eat (because one or both of them is engaged in some stupid computer game.) I agree - it seems like such a petty thing to consider leaving for, but I do consider it, often. My problem is that I can't bear the thought of taking away DS from the father he adores. So I put up with it. Am pregnant with DC2 and already worried about the support I'm going to get, seeing as the support through pregnancy has been pretty bloody crap to be honest.

[AnyFucker]

it isn't petty

being made to feel you are only as good as a domestic servant isn't petty

what status do you have ?

somewhere akin to the dishwasher ? the washing machine that gives blow jobs ?

come on ladies...this is not the 1950's

US...you are a fool to put up with it...why are you having a second child with this lazy bastard ?

you are worried about the support you will get ? Christ, he has done a number on you

[secretskillrelationships]

In response to AnyFucker, and speaking personally, this built slowly. I wasn't great at housework either and we tended to run round frantically for an hour before guests arrived. We were both working hard so it was difficult to see that I was working harder iykwim.

Everything else was great, equal etc and I felt (was made to feel) that I was making a big deal of it, obviously had higher standards etc. We had a cleaner for a while, which helped, but guess who had to sort that out.

It seemed a trivial thing to keep falling out over but I failed to see the power stuff going on underneath. This may have much to do with my own dysfunctional family, but I think it also suited my now ex. Things got worse when we had children and he reverted to a stereotype I thought had gone out with the ark. He does significantly less than his father who's hardly Mr domestic but looks after all the finances, car, DIY, decorating, grass and hedge trimming etc etc.

By then, the sleep deprivation and the fact that I wanted to have friends round during the day, increasingly meant that the housework fell to me. Slowly but surely, more and more fell to me. He'd forget to pay bills so it was just 'easier' for me to do it. This sort of insidious errosion is, I believe, difficult to spot. I now see a lot of ex's behaviour as a form of emotional manipulation and possibly even emotional abuse. I found it difficult to spot and impossible to change.

Took me a long time to really see what was going on but am well rid. Now I'm out, I can see a lot of his behaviour for what it is but couldn't while I was with him. Didn't help that everyone else saw him as the laid back one and me as the stroppy mare!

[AnyFucker]

secrets...he is your ex, right ?

I rest my case

[secretskillrelationships]

Unrequited, if you tell him and nothing changes it is not your fault. He does not want things to change. Do think about how you will feel in 10 years time when 3 people are treating you like this (him and 2DCs).

[scarlotti]

Unrequited - I have just had dc3 (his dc2) and the support is almost non-existant until I throw my toys out of the pram and then it gets better for a little while.
As said in a previous post we are in relate and I keep muttering on about wanting to be part of a team. In relate he accepts that he's not doing his share, and to be fair has tried to do more since our last session, BUT every item has to be brought to his attention.
It's like living with a teenager, which is actually an insult to my dd (15) as she does far more to help off her own back. He will help, but only if i point it out (and he doesn't have something planned) and also tell/show him how to do it.

I am planning my escape.

I agree with secret - it is a form of emotional abuse but one that is very difficult to spot as it just seems as though the woman is nagging or being petty.

Last time at our relate session I put it this way - when I am 60 I want to be like Goldie Hawn, not Thora Hird. Being the one who does it all means you will end up like Thora Hird.

[expatinscotland]

And also, scarlotti, it's not 'helping', it's doing his fair share. Not doing that, and not acknowledging you that it upsets you when you bring it up, is not cherishing you. So he didn't honour the marriage vow. Because acting like a teenager about somethign so important as doing your fair share as an adult, it disrespectful.

[FlyMeToDunoon]

I would just like to know how to change this situation. I don't want us to split. Is there a practical solution?
My DP is a very sweet man but he is just not aware of much that happens in the house.
The standards thing is a matter of opinion isn't it. So if I like the kitchen tidied to a certain level and he has another level then who is to say that I am right and he is wrong?
I go through that cycle of talking to DP, him trying and then slipping back into old habits. Then reminding him feels very like having another child to teach.
Here is my most recent example:
DP comes in after a weekend with friends. I have cooked fish pie which the DCs and I ate earlier He heats his up after asking me what temperature to put it at and for how long. Then he goes on the computer while I watch tv. He is 'too tired' to discuss the details of our imminent house move so I leave that and go to bed. I come down in the morning to all of his dishes and the left over fish pie sitting there on the side despite the dishwasher not being full or needing emptied.
Small things but so annoying.