Have been wanting to write this for ages but felt a bit guilty. Here goes, if anything it gets it all off my chest (for a while anyway).
I'm an only child, grew up with very strict parents, my parents pretty much wrapped me up in cotton wool. Both parents left their families at a young age, my dad left his home country to study in the UK and my mum had been in and out of homes etc..until she ran away, met my dad, got married.
Was never close to my dad, he expected too much from me and was very, very strict. Was close to mum, she was great, must have been hard living with my dad as he was a bit of a control freak. She couldn't even take a tenner out of the bank without his permission. I wasn't allowed friends round or out after 7pm (as a teenager), the list goes on. Very, very strict upbringing.
When i hit the teenagers years mum and I grew apart. Mum would lose her temper with me, call me a lot of horrible names and use her hands to get her point across. It used to really hurt. This went on for years, i accepted it, never spoke about it (you just don't) and made excuses. The worst thing was after being hit/screamed at/kicked, i'd be in a state and she'd start crying, asking me for hugs, telling me that she was so sorry and would be breaking her heart. I always gave in. I did love her. I did hurt myself after these incidents, nothing serious, but after years i realised it was a call for help, nobody ever knew.
When i was in my early 20's my mum told me that i had a sister that i'd never met. I left the country i was living in at that time to try and find her but with no luck. My mum had a child very young (15) who was taken away, mum grew up with alcoholic parents before being taken into a home. She has a lot of baggage and i do feel that is part of her problem. I feel so guilty writing this even now. My parents managed to hide both their pasts from me and bring me up in the little bubble that they tried to create. My mum went on to have a relationship with someone other than my father and so they are now divorced.
When i fell pg a few months back i felt very distant from my mum, can't explain it, even though we'd been trying hard for the last few years (one visit in 5 years and many phone calls). My dad is now v.close to me, stays for weeks/months on end and flies over frequently. Can't bond with my mum, find that she tells me lots of lies and just lives in the past - when she loses her temper it all comes back and she starts with the name calling and 'remember when you did this' scenario...when she's in a good mood she's a great mum.
Anyway..we haven't spoken now for about 6 weeks. She said i was cold and made her feel left out, she was jealous because my inlaws and my dad had been staying with me and that she would never see her grandchild. I got a bit fed up and said some things that i shouldn't have. I always feel so bad.
Not sure why i'm writing this but i feel better to just have written it down. The story is so much longer than this but if you've read until now i am really grateful.
Thanks xx
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My mum - a long one
4 replies
ChaCha · 27/06/2005 16:11
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