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husband refusing sex as apparantly i am "too fat"

(133 Posts)
yummytummy Wed 09-Sep-09 10:52:28

am so furious dont know where to begin. had noticed recently dh not initiating sex that much and i posted an earlier thread that he didnt want to kiss as i had bad breath. finally talked to him about it wish i hadnt. he said he finds it hard to get excited as i eat too much and he doesnt find me physically attractive. am so angry as obviously shape has changed after having ds but am back to pretty much original size 12/14 but with bit of a tummy. dont think i look that bad and felt ok in clothes until now. am so devastated as was worried about this before having kids but he used to say it wont matter as that body will have given me a child. what a load of bollocks. cant believe he is being so shallow. also i'm a man men are visual blah blah. aaahhh am so upset dont know how to handle it. if thats what he thinks then forget it dont be with me then. dont know what to do. feel so crushed.

GypsyMoth Wed 09-Sep-09 10:57:38

dig deeper....doubt very much this is the problem!!

sorry for you though....not a nice thing to hear,but i dont believe him!!

sincitylover Wed 09-Sep-09 10:57:59

so sorry you are going through this - feel extremely frustrated on your behalf and have experienced similar myself in my own marriage (now ended).

12/14 is by no way fat. I think there is more of a control issue behind it. Or Madonna/whore complex?

What is his body like by the way?

But I know how hurt you will be feeling. If at all possible try to maintain your positive image of your self - ie erect as sort of barrier around yourself against his hurtful remarks. I am sure you are fine.

I didn't by the way and had to use a superhuman effort to get my groove/self esteem back when we split.

Am sure more will be along with more detailed advice.

Sensitivechildminder Wed 09-Sep-09 10:58:11

What an arse ! I think I'm similar to you body wise and there is nothing wrong ! 12/14 is not obese for god's sake !! He is being mean to you !

onetiredmummy Wed 09-Sep-09 10:58:47

fuck him!!! I'm sure he's no Adonis either

Lizzylou Wed 09-Sep-09 10:59:10

What does your H look like?
If he is anything less than a Brad Pitt a like then I'd tell him to sling it.

Agree with Tiffany, must be more to this.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake Wed 09-Sep-09 10:59:11

i agree there is more to this. he is using it as an excuse. please don't feel crushed

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Wed 09-Sep-09 10:59:38

Message withdrawn

MrsEricBanaMT Wed 09-Sep-09 11:02:02

It's not nice but falling out of 'lust' with one another is just parr for the course sometimes. Sometimes it is nothing more than that. Not saying it's right or that he could not have been more sensitive about it. But it is true, non the less.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake Wed 09-Sep-09 11:04:26

kick him to the curb. just search for the breath thread and found the one where he pushed you over and sprained your wrist.

do you still love him?

randomtask Wed 09-Sep-09 11:05:07

If you're size 12/14 you are by no means too fat, that's in his silly mind, not yours. Please don't listen to his stupid remarks. Remember why you have your body-it's been left with the marks your child gave you.

I'd ask him if there are other problems as to be honest, I would suspect he's trying to force his issues (whatever they are) into being your fault. If I was being understanding and calm I'd ask him what led to this and why he's changed his mind. If I wasn't calm, I'd ask him if he had become impotent and tell him he's never getting sex again if he can be so shallow.

I hope you can work it out though and either have a better marriage (and a nicer DH) or can leave him (with your DC who gave you your lovely Mummy body) and keep your confidence which is sounds like you deserve.

Good luck and hugs.

GypsyMoth Wed 09-Sep-09 11:05:25

another new word from the dictionary which is 'reality'....love it!!

Hassled Wed 09-Sep-09 11:07:25

Well you're clearly not "too fat". And unless he's a moron, he knows that. So it's something else. It's up to you as to whether you can be bothered/have the strength to find out what's actually going on in his head. Just don't rush any decisions, and do everything you can to keep that self esteem going.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Wed 09-Sep-09 11:08:14

Message withdrawn

TheCrackFox Wed 09-Sep-09 11:08:29

Hmm, and I would imagine that in the years you have known him he hasn't developed a beer gut and a bald patch? hmm

What an arse.

Do you think going to Relate my help?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 09-Sep-09 11:09:06

No way. This is abusive shit. If you love your partner their looks do not put you off them. They just don't. You are by no means overweight. He is being a cunt IMO. How dare he. angry for you.

Bellsa Wed 09-Sep-09 11:09:17

You're not fat.
He is a dickwad.
I doubt this is the reason he doesn't want sex. From your last post it sounds like he is making an excuse because he doesn't want sex for another reason. Is he perhaps depressed, and this is having an influence on his sex-drive?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Wed 09-Sep-09 11:10:18

Message withdrawn

jellybeans Wed 09-Sep-09 11:11:20

I think men like this are unhappy with themselves and worried about their own appearance and so they pick on others to feel better. It is abusive.

NicknameTaken Wed 09-Sep-09 11:11:39

yummy, I started to post on your other thread and deleted because someone else had said what I wanted to say. But the question I was going to ask was whether he was criticizing you in other ways, such as that you were fat. My x told me I smelled bad, in particular my genitals, I was fat, my teeth were yellow, my hair was a mess, that the soles on my feet had dead skin on them which was offputting when he was having sex with me (yes, it was always doggy-style, sometimes gazing at porn over my shoulder. Not exactly a loving bonding experience). I left him a few months ago, but my self-confidence is not back to its old levels. I eat and drink too much and some days it's hard to motivate myself to brush my teeth, because I don't see myself as attractive any more.

The occasional blunt criticism isn't a big deal, but when it's part of a constant pattern of making you feel bad, that's a problem. I think you need an honest conversation with him - tell him how you feel about this. I wouldn't suggest a rule that he's never allowed to say anything bad about you ever, but he should at least be paying you more compliments than insults. But if he doesn't care about hurting you, then you have a bigger issue to deal with.

BroodyChook Wed 09-Sep-09 11:19:53

I'm sorry, but if he was this blunt then he is just being plain nasty. How did he think it would make you feel? That you'd suddenly run to the gym and live off lettuce with a smile on your face? I'd also like to know what this vision of male perfection looks like <hmm> You are in no way fat, and most men find curves incredibly sexy.

InspiredButTired Wed 09-Sep-09 11:20:16

Second what Kat said, he is being a cunt and an abusive one at that. You are not fat. He is the one with issues.

sincitylover Wed 09-Sep-09 11:28:08

nickname taken - it may take time to get your self esteem and positive body image back but it can be done, once you are free of the abusive element - I am living proof of it.

An am not thin either - 16 top and 14 bottom
but I now love my body and can see it's good points.

And now I won't get into any negative discussions about my body with any man I have been involved with (only two since we spit. I will also not raise anything negative with them about my body. Just like I wouldn't make any negative comment about theirs.

yummytummy Wed 09-Sep-09 11:29:22

thankyou so much for all your kind words. it helps so much to know that others dont think i'm fat. yes there are lots of issues within the relationship his poor treatment and putting me down all the time. have been to relate which helped for a while but he is now reverting back into mr nasty. its hard and hate myself for saying this but i love him so much but know its not a nice environment. physically he is in good shape, very slim his family all are and they are all quite against fat people. i'm the biggest his sisters are size 8. really dont know how to improve things or if i want to. hasnt been the same since the wrist incident anyway. how can i build self esteem? am at a loss.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake Wed 09-Sep-09 11:31:28

how can i build self esteem? - do you do anything outside the home? take up sport, go out with friends etc etc.

the best thing would be to tell him to eff off but assuming you are not going to do that try adn separate your image of yourself from his. his is warp and designed to belittle and control you

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