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Relationships

Am I being paranoid? (It's long, sorry)

190 replies

needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:06

I promise I'm not a troll but I've namechanged as this is really embarrassing.

DH and I have been together for 13 years and had our first baby late last year

I'm worried that DH is having an affair and worst of all it's his half sister that I suspect. My DH was adopted as a baby so they haven't grown up together and only met up again last year so they don't really have the brother/sister relationship yet. On Christmas Eve, I saw messages on his phone that he sent to her. These are examples of what set me off (and his explanations for them):

'I can give you that massage when we see each other' - So what? I've goven other friends of ours shoulder rubs and it never bothered you

'I just want her all the time and I know people would think that it's wrong but if they don't know then they can't judge' - I was talking about you. I want you all the time but because we've just ahd a baby people might think I'm pressuring you

'Ok but no parking up under the stars lol' - We needed to talk about the past and didn't want to at her house because of the kids

We had a big row about it and because my hormones were all over the place, I decided to just carry on. He promised to think about what he was saying. Then about two weeks ago I saw this on

'Just about to get in the shower, wish you were here to give me a hand lol' - he said this was a joke that went too far.

I flipped out at this point and said that if there is something going on, he should just tell me and we can sort it out but if he lies to me I will leave and he'll be lucky if he sees the baby anymore and I'll also tell her DP. SIL was chatting to me via text and I said that I thought he was cheating and what I'd told him so she asked me if I thought the OW was her (she knew about the arguement at Christmas). We spoke on the phone and she explained that her DP (who has cheated before) sent her the message about the shower but it was meant for another woman so DH was just winding her up. She sounded sincere so I decided that I was being paranoid and things have been really good since.

Then on Saturday, DH took the car for it's MOT then texted me saying he was going to do some work for a few hours. I texted back saying that I hadn't realised he had to work and he came straight home saying he had cancelled the job.

DH was supposed to be taking the baby to her house on Saturday afternoon as I was going out somewhere with my mum and he was giving us a lift. I saw that he had sent a message saying he could make up for this morning and also that he hadn't texted or called the bloke that he had supposedly cancelled on that morning.

On Sunday, I sent a text asking if he had been going up on Saturday morning and she said she had asked if he'd got time for a cuppa as she was really down. I asked her not to tell DH but I saw that she sent him a message saying that I had asked and what she had told me.

This morning DH is off for most of the day but has gone to a job for a few hours this morning. I've just looked and one of our condoms is missing (I'd been keeping track since I thought one went before). I made the mistake of calling and asking if he is planning on surprising me later and told him why. He said he was. I realise now that I shouldn't have said anything until he's back and then asked him to see if he could produce it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Also, how on earth do we continue a relationship where the trust is so damaged?

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions?

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warthog · 08/04/2009 10:16

if you think he's at her house now, can you go round there? drive past and see if his car is there?

i think you need to keep your intelligence quiet until you've built up a case otherwise he will be more careful about covering his tracks.

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:18

I don't drive and he's got the car anyway

I really wish I hadn't said anything now, especially as he now knows I know exactly how many are there

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frisbyrat · 08/04/2009 10:50

Just get a taxi round there, for heaven's sake, if you can scrape the money together. Then you'll know for certain.

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goodnightmoon · 08/04/2009 10:52

ouch. it does sound bad. from all accounts, those kinds of reunions can be very emotional, and can result in "inappropriate" intimacy.

i think you've got to just tell him to stop the lies and you both need to think hard about what has happened.

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:58

We really haven't got the money for a taxi as it will be £30 one way and the same back if he isn't there. Also, I don't have a car seat for the baby.

I've tried to get him to tell me but they both end up making me feel guilty for daring to think anything is going on.

He's just pulled up now so will check back in a bit

At least he couldn't do anything today as he's had to bring the condom back

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 10:59

I'm beginning to question whether I can stay in this marriage as I can't go on feeling like this. I'd almost feel relieved if there was something going on as at least then I;d know I'm not going crazy

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helsbels4 · 08/04/2009 11:02

I'm afraid I'm also in the "it doesn't look good" camp .
Maybe all those explanations are true but it certainly looks unlikely from where I'm sitting.
Why would he take a condom from the packet if he was planning on using it with you later?
I think you either need to get yourself round there right now or you need to back off a bit and try to gather some evidence quietly so that you are in a better position to confront him.
Hope it is all above board though.

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PlumBumMum · 08/04/2009 11:03

I think you need to get round there, why would he take a condom out with him if hes going to surprise you later,
for you goodnightmoon is right this type of thing is well documented because they aren't brought up together they have a strong connection

You need to sort out in your head your next course of action as he knows now that your checking up on him,
don't keep betting yourself up being paranoid and don't let him talk you into thinking your just being paranoid

Hopefully somebody else will be along soon with better advice as I'm abit crap at this sort of advice, Solidgold posts some good advice hopefully she'll be along soon

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helsbels4 · 08/04/2009 11:03

Sorry, x-post. Let us know how things go

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PlumBumMum · 08/04/2009 11:04

x posts helsbels, Although my intial reaction was to say get yourself round there, they will probably just deny it and say he had called in because she was 'down'

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newlysinglemummy · 08/04/2009 11:07

I think if you suspect something it would be best to try to find out whats going on and not confrount him. But I know it is difficult when that is the only thing on your mind... xx

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 11:21

Thank you for all the responses, I agree it doesn't look good.

He's back about 2 hours sooner than I thought he'd be here and looking very down. He's also taken the condom out of his wallet

I'm not going to say anything and just act like everything is ok.

His 'reason' for taking it was that he was planning on slipping into the bathroom and putting it on, despite the fact that he would need to go into the room they are kept in to get his robe.

We are supposed to be going to her house tomorrow so it will be interesting to see if her kids let anything slip

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MrsLemon · 08/04/2009 11:29

I would be paranoid if I was in your situation too.

Alot of people would say have it out with him and confront but this does not always give "you" the black and white answers you want. It could all be quite innocent BUT alarm bells would certainly be ringing for me.

The only other way to try and suss what is going on is to go "undercover". Do all the stuff you are doing now. Checking phones, countingh condoms etc but STOP confronting him with every shred of "evidence" for a while and build it up. It may or may not give you black and white answers but one thing for sure is that IF he is cheating and you confront him with every little "clue" he is very likely to lie his way out of it every time. All the while you are giving him every oppertunity to learn how to clean up his act and become more careful in his cheating antics - thus in the longrun, making any further clues harder and harder to find.

Hope you canfind some proper answers soon - anyway you choose how, so you can deal with this and stop the living in fear and limbo!

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helsbels4 · 08/04/2009 11:36

He took the condom out of the box because he was planning on putting it on in the bathroom????? All the other situations/explanations could possible be plausable at a push but this one just doesn't add up
It must be incredibly hard for you to remain calm but I really do think that you need to carefully try and build up some evidence of what may be going on here.
Good luck to you.

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 12:02

That's what he said, even though our bathroom is downstairs and the condoms and his robe are upstairs in our bedroom. I really wish I had kept quiet now.

I think I'm going to take mrslemon's suggestion and just keep doing what I've been doing. It's really hard as he often keeps his phone with him and clears their conversations. The other month he sent her nearly 700 texts so I'm obviously only seeing a very small number of them

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 12:03

That's what he said, even though our bathroom is downstairs and the condoms and his robe are upstairs in our bedroom. I really wish I had kept quiet now.

I think I'm going to take mrslemon's suggestion and just keep doing what I've been doing. It's really hard as he often keeps his phone with him and clears their conversations. The other month he sent her nearly 700 texts so I'm obviously only seeing a very small number of them

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 12:06

Oh and he produced it from his wallet which would have been in his trouser pocket... upstairs!

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HolyGuacamole · 08/04/2009 12:24

Jesus! I'd say dodgy. Don't discuss this again with your SIL either, if she asks you about it in future, just dismiss it and change the subject.

I agree with everyone else that you need to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open on this one.

I suppose if I were in your shoes, I'd lay down opportunities for them and see if they seize them? For example, invite SIL over to stay the night then maybe find ways of leaving them together in the same room by going to your bed before them or something. I know that is awfully sneaky but if they are up to something, the only way you are going to find out is to be as sneaky as them.

Even then, if they are not up to something, inviting her over is a good way for you all to get to know each other better in terms of the family dynamics.

In the meantime, say nothing!

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PlumBumMum · 08/04/2009 12:32

Yeap MrsLemon is right, don't confront him, as its giving him a chance to clean up his act, does sound suspicious he came home abit down, because he was caught out, maybe

Agree with Holy Gaucamole don't confide in her anymore, actually you could confide in her a little say god your hormones have been messed up etc let her think that you believe you've just been paranoid, but after that don't give her any excuse to think you suspect

700 txts is 690 too many

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Portoeufino · 08/04/2009 12:45

700 texts! That's more than 20 a day! I speak to my sister once a week and find that quite adequate to catch up! I don't think you're being paranoid at all.

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needadvicepls · 08/04/2009 12:47

The last time I spoke to her I said that I was glad we had sorted stuff out and that I now know there's nothing going on. I also said I was going to stop looking as everything is good now. Got to put on a good act tomorrow now.

I'm just hoping I kept it light enough on the phone that he just thought I'd realised one was gone (I never suggested what I was really thinking). I also said that I knew how many condoms were left as I've been checking when we need to buy more.

I wouldn't be able to invite her over as she's got 3 kids but he's got a job to do at her house soon so I'm not going to act funny about it at all. I guess I just need to keep my eyes open and mouth closed as suggested

Thank you again everyone. This is why I love mn as there is obviously no one I can talk to in rl about this

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PlumBumMum · 08/04/2009 12:50

I wouldn't invite her to stay over, there is keeping your eyes open and putting yourself through abit too much and I think that would be too much for anyone

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mrsboogie · 08/04/2009 13:08

Ehmm.. I don't get why she needs to gather more evidence?? 700 texts? inappropriate texts with sexual content, total bullshit excuses for everything? pretending to be working then suddenly not, taking condoms out with him to meet her, what does she need to do - film them at it? she'll be gathering evidence for ever and he will still deny it.

You don't need any more evidence to know that somethng is very wrong here.

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JJsandcat · 08/04/2009 13:13

Urgh, yes, I'd say something is up and his explanations don't tally. 700 texts??? I'd have a one way chat with my husband if he were to send that many texts to 1 person and esp. if a condom goes missing...

Watch out for how his half sis behaves around you and if body languages/eyes give them away.

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Ewe · 08/04/2009 13:21

700 texts is very very very odd imo. What on earth would you need to send that many texts for? Taking the condom would have been nail in the coffin for me.

Personally, I think he is lying, none of this adds up at all and I would not be hanging around to wait and see if it gets worse/more obvious.

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