How would you feel?

[IamAporcupine]

Apologies this might be long

I have been very unhappy in my marriage for many many years. DH checked out of the relationship slowly after we got married and then more after DS (now 9) was born. He was hardly involved in the hard side of parenting, and left me feeling abandoned too many a times.

I tried to talk to him many times, even suggested counselling, but he refused. He was constantly grumpy and on edge. Became irrational and violent on occasions. I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time. The arguments always escalated and there was a lot of (what I later understood was) gaslighting. I started doubting myself a lot.

A few years ago, I felt my marriage was definitely over. Was extremely deppressed, cried myself to sleep every night and had suicidal thoughs for the first and only time in my life.

As it happens, during the pandemic I reconnected with an old friend. He was also in an unhappy relationship so understood each other very well. We confided a lot, and started to feel very close emotionally. For the first time I became vocal re how I felt in my marriage and how devastated I was. I finally admitted to myself I truly wanted to be out of the relationship.

DH found out last week. I was expecting hell to break loose but the opposite happened. He finally listened to me and acknowledged his fault in all of this and begged me to give him another opportunity and to try to fix things up. It felt odd and slightly false.

Then a couple of days later he said he needed to tell me something. He confessed he had been clinically depressed and dealing with bulimia all these years. That he was aware he had been an arsehole to me but that his mental health had taken over his life. He is devastated. He promises he will change and will make it up to me.

I am very very confused. I spent years listening to him justify his odd behaviour. I became used to the unpleasantries. I started thinking he was a bit of a psycho. And when I finally admit to myself that this is enough and can't live like this anymore, he does a 180 degree turn and tells me all this? I just do not know who or what to believe.

Can anyone help me process this?

[IamAporcupine]

No one?

[Inthemane]

Hi, you might want to ask for this to be moved to Relationships as the mental health board can be quiet?

Your husband’s mental health is his responsibility, not yours. If he has bulimia and is clinically depressed, has this been diagnosed? Is he getting help for this that he has sought on his own? It’s not your job to fix him.

The timing feels off to me - he’s suddenly realised that he has these problems when you’ve decided you want out. I’d continue with your plan to leave and work on what’s best for you. He needs to do the work on himself if he’s going to change - depression and bulimia are big things to tackle.

Being depressed and having an eating disorder doesn’t give you an excuse for constant grumpiness, gaslighting and violence. If you feel you’re walking on eggshells, him having a “reason” doesn’t justify his behaviour.

It sounds like you’ve realised this relationship isn’t a healthy one and that’s what you should concentrate on.

[IamAporcupine]

Thanks Inthemane

No, he is not getting help yet. He will have an appointment with the GP tomorrow as he wants to get checked physically too. It will be the first time that he admits all of this. I was going to suggest therapy, but you are right in that it is not my job to fix him.

He is truly upset and 'can't believe' how bad he fucked up all these years and wants to 'start again'. I somehow believe him but at the same time cannot fully comprehend what is going on and I am worried I am missing something else.

[July56]

It sounds like a very tough situation to be in. On one hand the human part of you probably feels sympathy and upset for what your husband has been going through. It’s very sad he’s not opened up about it before now as things could’ve been so much better.

On the other hand you’ve endured a marriage without love and support and feeling like what your experiencing is your fault and that your husband hasn’t been there for you. I don’t know what to think about the timing. Someone suffering with mental illness often doesn’t see the effect it has on others because it’s all they can do to just get through each day. It could be that you becoming close to your friend has shocked your husband to see what’s been going on and what he’s done to contribute to it.

As to where you go from here, I think you need to think what you really want for you and your child. After all you’ve been through do you still have strong feelings for him? The last thing you should do is stay with him for your child or a sense of duty because it won’t make things better. I don’t know your circumstances but if you’re in a position to be able to talk to a counsellor they will be able to help you talk through how you feel and help you to work out what you really want. I really hope you’ve got some good friends to help you through this.

[Redannie118]

This sounds like my ex DH who tried to convince me he had cancer when i told him i was leaving after years of abuse and neglect( he didnt). Theres one thing to remember here. For years you have begged him to show you kindness and compassion. To show you love and understanding. To make you happy. He flat out refused because A all his needs were being met. B He really did not care if you were happy. Now for the first time this effects HIS needs and HIS happieness, and hes promising you the world. He doesnt mean it. He will pay it lip service until you decide to stay and then drop it again once you are hooked back in. Think about it, he saw you suicidal and that wasnt enough to make him change. The only thing he doesnt want to change is his happy comfortable life. Be strong. Tell him after all these years of him treating you so badly theres nothing left and if he does have MH issues he needs to sort them alone, as you had to do. Good luck x

[IamAporcupine]

Thank you both,
@July56 that's very much what I feel/think at the moment, but I do hear you @Redannie118 too. He didn't actually see me suicidal, that was something I very much dealt with internally, but you are right in that the timing is very telling.

The whole situation feels like a dream/nightmare. He has 'changed' so much in a week; it feels like I am living with a stranger. It makes me feels slightly doubtful and worried.

[colouringindoors]

The timing is way too conveient for him. I'm sorry but even if his mh and bulimia story is true, it doesn't excuse how he's treated you or not getting help.

OP I'm really not convinced by what he's said. At all. Sounds at best, manipulative.

Do what You need to do. Look after you.

[IamAporcupine]

thanks @colouringindoors, I agree the timing makes it seem manipulative.

Having said that, the MH and bulimia are 100% true. I know this because I was suspicious of the ED and confronted him a few times. He denied it of course. I did not know how severe it was though.

He is now waiting for me 'to spend some time together'. This is the man who slept on the sofa for the best part of 10 years.
How the fuck do I reconcile this? It makes me anxious

[Embra]

You were suicidal he is bulemic I don’t think either of you were fun or support for each other. Perhaps you need a break or a radical change like move country? Go sailing for a year?

[IamAporcupine]

@Embra -

[LilyMumsnet]

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

[category12]

OP, a person can be abusive and have mental health issues - and the one does not cancel out the other or excuse it. The effect on you was the same.

It is a classic manipulative move of the abuser to play the pity card when their partner is finally looking like actually leaving. A week of "change" after years of choosing to treat you like crap? Please don't fall for it.

You don't owe him more of your life.

He is so likely to backslide and once he's complacent that he's got you again, he will revenge himself on you for confiding in another man and contemplating leaving.

Follow through with leaving.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

How convenient for him to suddenly acquire some understanding of what an absolute bastard he's been to live with.

He's had 10+ years & plenty of opportunity to talk to you, but he hasn't he's gaslit. He's abused you, he's been awful

You don't owe him another 10 years of your life. Do NOT stay with him 'for DS sake'

Do you think you could actually be happy with 'the old friend' or do you (realistically) think that's just each of you clinging onto a lifeboat?

[SilverRoe]

Sorry but if he’s suddenly completely changed his behaviour so fast how hard would it have been to change it before?

The only thing that seems to have changed is now he knows he can’t get away with it anymore. Am about-face like this is almost worse - shows how easy it is to be nice when there is something in it for him.

[MadMadMadamMim]

I agree with those posters saying that his about face and sudden realisation that he's wrecked his marriage is awfully convenient. He's being utterly manipulative, and probably has been all of your marriage.

He is devastated. He promises he will change and will make it up to me.

He couldn't give a shit about you. He's been an appalling husband and father - far too wrapped up in himself to attempt to be an equal and supportive partner, or to do his share of parenting. It's only when he realises the life he was perfectly content with is about to crash down around his ears that he's bothered to have this sudden revelation and decide he can change.

I wouldn't believe him for an instant. He's only claiming he wants to start again to keep you in your place. And it is all about what he wants.

I'd be making plans to end the marriage. You've said yourself it feels false. Listen to your gut.

[category12]

And OP, my ex, claimed suicidal ideation and depression when I was close to leaving him once - it didn't change anything, he was just manipulating me into staying. It's a really common manipulation, relying on your compassion outweighing your experience and self-preservation.

[Whydidimarryhim]

He’s an abusive man. He’s trying to make you stay with him. He won’t actively go for help or if he does it will be for a few weeks.
He’s trying to win you round.
He’s abusive. Look up the cycle of abuse.
Be careful if you leave him as he’s likely to get angry.
Call the police at any signs of anger or threatening behaviour.
He’s just a bully.
I’m much happier without mine and my 11 year old is much more healthy with his parents living separately.
Your child will be affected by his crap.
Seek counselling, contact women’s aid and tread carefully.
💐

[IamAporcupine]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your comments and advice.

I am very confused at the moment, and feel I have to take it slowly and see how he behaves and how I feel.
I am also exhausted as we have been talking until 2am everyday.

He admits that realising that he could lose me made him panic.

[DancesWithCatsnDogs]

It's all a bit late in the day isn't it. However, you've stuck it this long so maybe see how things go with the doctor. It'll be slow progress though. For me, I'd think I'd feel too resentful and having finally come to the realisation that I wanted to leave, that would be it.

[colouringindoors]

OP he can be manipulative/abusive and suffer with mental health problems or bulimia. My ex was similar.

I think your initial instincts to get out of this relationship are right.

[Gemma2019]

Please don't fall for this - he is manipulating you. You should have got out the minute he started being violent. He only cares about himself.

[alpenguin]

It’s so easy for people to pass judgement when they’re not in your situation. It must be awfully confusing for you right now and unless you’re absolutely sure you want to stay or get out for good then I think maybe you need a break away from your husband. This gives you time to assess what you want from life and it gives him an opportunity to seek help for his problems and show you he means it. The distance will allow you to see things with fresh eyes and you can decide whether it’s a life you’re happier with.

His issues with his mental health and eating disorder will be complex and while it doesn’t justify abusive behaviour, anyone with any understanding of enduring mental ill health knows it’s not such a black and white situation as people on mumsnet make out, especially in men.

I had an ex who was depressed and bulimic. He wasn’t violent to me but he was such hard work all the time and I was forever hiding the kitchen knives in case he hurt himself. It’s not a healthy environment to live in but it becomes normal quite quickly and it’s not until you’re away from it you realise how abnormal it’s been. You need your time away (or send him to stay elsewhere for a while) - you need happiness in your life but it doesn’t necessarily have to mean moving on to someone else. Learn to enjoy being you again first and then think about whether you want your marriage, someone else or nobody at all for a while.

[Wanderlusto]

Remember that old saying that used to be popular 'I smell shit'. Yeah, that.

Its extremely common for manipulative abusive assholes to blame it on mental health issues.

The fact is, even if it is true, so what? None of it excuses abuse.

You aren't happy with him. That alone is good enough reason to call it a day. The abuse on top is the icing on the cake.

Tell him to see his doctor and run like the bloody wind. You are not his therapist.

[LatentPhase]

Classic manipulative bullshit. This is like a script. My exDH suddenly developed ‘insight into his depression’ when I threatened to leave him. He was grumpy and lazy and did bugger all parenting.

His ‘newfound insight into his MH issues’ led us to the GP and an inevitable return to the ‘status quo’ and then 3 more years of his crap... eventually I left. I really regret spending/wasting that 3 years with him. Don’t be me. Get out now.

I understand he has wrong footed you, but really, that’s the whole point of his tactic.

It’s hard to see it when you’re in the situation because all you’ve ever wanted is for them so engage with their behaviour. But this is just breadcrumbs and it’s only because he stands to gain from his tactic. It’s all about him.

[Shoxfordian]

It’s unfortunate if he has mental health issues but that doesn’t excuse how he’s treated you or mean you have to stay with him and forgive it all