How would you feel?

[IamAporcupine]

Apologies this might be long

I have been very unhappy in my marriage for many many years. DH checked out of the relationship slowly after we got married and then more after DS (now 9) was born. He was hardly involved in the hard side of parenting, and left me feeling abandoned too many a times.

I tried to talk to him many times, even suggested counselling, but he refused. He was constantly grumpy and on edge. Became irrational and violent on occasions. I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time. The arguments always escalated and there was a lot of (what I later understood was) gaslighting. I started doubting myself a lot.

A few years ago, I felt my marriage was definitely over. Was extremely deppressed, cried myself to sleep every night and had suicidal thoughs for the first and only time in my life.

As it happens, during the pandemic I reconnected with an old friend. He was also in an unhappy relationship so understood each other very well. We confided a lot, and started to feel very close emotionally. For the first time I became vocal re how I felt in my marriage and how devastated I was. I finally admitted to myself I truly wanted to be out of the relationship.

DH found out last week. I was expecting hell to break loose but the opposite happened. He finally listened to me and acknowledged his fault in all of this and begged me to give him another opportunity and to try to fix things up. It felt odd and slightly false.

Then a couple of days later he said he needed to tell me something. He confessed he had been clinically depressed and dealing with bulimia all these years. That he was aware he had been an arsehole to me but that his mental health had taken over his life. He is devastated. He promises he will change and will make it up to me.

I am very very confused. I spent years listening to him justify his odd behaviour. I became used to the unpleasantries. I started thinking he was a bit of a psycho. And when I finally admit to myself that this is enough and can't live like this anymore, he does a 180 degree turn and tells me all this? I just do not know who or what to believe.

Can anyone help me process this?

My ex made very short lived, very minor attempts to change when he was scared that I would leave him, but soon went back to neglect, gaslighting, abuse. In fact he ramped it up when it became clear that I really was leaving.
Please don’t be taken in by him, remember that he didn’t care how you felt for years-it’s only now his status quo is threatened that he’s bothered. Don’t waste your time, make a happy life for your child somewhere else.

Many thanks for the replies.

I wanted to clarify that when I said 'violent' I did not mean physical violence. English is not my first language - what I meant is, aggressive? He would have this irrational angry outbursts.
I think if he had been physically violent it would have been easier for me to end the relationship.

We talked some more last night. He keeps saying he is ashamed and terribly upset, and that it will never happen again. I could not look him in the eyes as I felt so so confused. I am totally drained

@alpenguin - thank you, that is exactly how I feel/think. It would probably be good to take a break, but I don't know how I could do it in practical terms. I am not leaving my son, that's for sure, and cannot go anywhere.

I’d still leave. Even if he has gone through all this genuinely the way he has treated you has been abusive. Poor MH doesn’t excuse abuse.

Hmm how convenient is the timing of this revelation! I have noticed a theme on here of women having enough and / or finding out some misdemeanour, then magically husband or partner has poor mental health. Plus often wishes to lull themselves. He had the best part of a decade to sort himself out but didn’t so l vote do what’s best for you and take what he says with a pinch of salt

It would probably be good to take a break, but I don't know how I could do it in practical terms. I am not leaving my son, that's for sure, and cannot go anywhere.

If he's genuinely upset and remorseful, why doesn't he leave temporarily while you get your head together?

Try suggesting it. After all, he wants to change and make it up to you, right?

He's been sleeping on the sofa and you've been walking on eggshells for a decade. You suddenly decide enough is enough and he magically realises the problem and tries to justify it? Nah, don't buy it. And even if he's not manipulating you, you've spent enough time unhappy with an arsehole. Go find your happiness elsewhere and don't compromise your mental health and future any further.

@category12 - yes, I will probably suggest it.

It is 'interesting' because he was asking me to do exactly the opposite. He seems to think we can re-build the relationship and to do so, we should spend more time together.

It is 'interesting' because he was asking me to do exactly the opposite. He seems to think we can re-build the relationship and to do so, we should spend more time together.

Well yes, because he's worried that given time and space on your own, you'll gain greater perspective and see the relationship for what it is.

After all, talking with someone else helped you see how wrong the relationship was and made you properly consider leaving.

He won't want to give you time or space, but will want to shrink down your world again to you and him,so he can regain control.

I agree with @category12 that you should say to him that if he genuinely is devastated and wants to try to repair the damage he has done that the very first step is that he moves out to give you some space.

No excuses, no hesitation. That's the first condition.

He then has to see a GP and get help with his depression/bulimia.

And meanwhile you will decide whether you want to give it another try or not. Personally, I wouldn't.

But make him move out and give you space. You need a separation and some peace to make a decision on this.

If he's not prepared to agree to do this, then he's not fucking devastated enough and it's simply about trying to manipulate you.

Suggest it to him - and tell us what he says.

I have not asked him to leave for now. He has nowhere to go and I really do not want to upset my son.

I did ask him to give me space and to understand I am very confused and do not know what I want. I am aware this is not ideal and it will not help that much, but at least I am being able to say everything

Seeing my son so happy to have his dad back (?) makes me very emotional. Those are the few moments that I enjoy being together. Otherwise I feel very dettached and confused. I did say to him that I am basically waiting for the man I lived with for such a long time to come back. He swears it will not happen.

He has seen the GP, got tests done and will get a referal to a psychiatrist. He is also joining a support group. He says he hates himself for having ruined my life all those years. He realises I will probably be gone already if it was not for our son. I have no idea if this will last or not, but he is a different person. He seems normal now, which makes me even more confused.

Not surprisingly, because he has demonstrated that all the excuses you made for him, all that you tolerated and endured thinking he couldn't help it or that you somehow deserved it, turns out he can actually turn it off just like that.

It was a choice the whole time. He chose to treat you like utter shit.

That's got to be a headfuck.

Well, the fact tis has been going on for around a decade means the odds of success are pretty slim. If I had to pick a realistic good outcome, it would be him sorting his issues out so that he could coparent well with you and so he makes a decent job of his next relationship.
I suspect this panic is more because - and this is pretty normal - we all hate change.

It's ok for you to wish him well as the father of your son but still think you're both better off not married to each other.

Headfuck describes it pretty well, yes.

Thanks @123344user, that's what I am thinking too.

I can somohow believe that he feels upset and guilty, what I cannot understand (and annoyes me) is when he says that he misses me now? Three weeks ago he was absolutely fine.

What if he keeps behaving like this, and this born again husband/father is his new him, a normal caring, considerate person. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my last 10 or so years?

It isn't the new him though. It won't last. His preference is to treat you like rubbish and has been for a decade. What this is, is a temporary display to stop you leaving. Once he's complacent you won't, he'll revert.

And honestly, how can you accept "the new him" and be happy and trusting, when you know there's the other him he chose to be and that he could have been a decent partner all along, but actually he couldn't be arsed, he'd picked being awful to you instead? That's not the behaviour of someone who loves you.

I mean, truthfully, it's easy to be nice to someone you love, it's not a struggle for most people. It's like the default. His default is not.

@IamAporcupine

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your comments and advice.

I am very confused at the moment, and feel I have to take it slowly and see how he behaves and how I feel.
I am also exhausted as we have been talking until 2am everyday.

He admits that realising that he could lose me made him panic.

Set boundaries with the talking til 2am thing. Once or twice is fine but if it's all the time you need to say look, we can discuss this tomorrow but for now I need to sleep.

@IamAporcupine

Headfuck describes it pretty well, yes.

Thanks @123344user, that's what I am thinking too.

I can somohow believe that he feels upset and guilty, what I cannot understand (and annoyes me) is when he says that he misses me now? Three weeks ago he was absolutely fine.

What if he keeps behaving like this, and this born again husband/father is his new him, a normal caring, considerate person. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my last 10 or so years?

That would require serious behavioural change which would take at least a year if not longer. If he's truly committed to that he will need a plan and for you to know what to look for to see that it's going well. For example - I'll get therapy, I'll change my working hours this way, I'll consider asking to be referred to a community mental health team, I'll discuss medication options, I'll go to relate, I'll go to parenting support groups, I'll go to bulimia support groups etc etc etc etc. Just "I'll change" is stinking bullshit without the receipts.

My abusive ex would also 'suddenly gain insight' into his problematic behaviour when he thought I was close to leaving, and when I finally did he threatened suicide. Yeah right. Your DH sounds manipulative to me, and even if it true, does not negate the abuse you've experienced. I think you could have a new lease of life away from him; too little, too late.

@BeagleEagle - thanks, yes, I have done that re. the 2am talks. I am still exhasuted though.

Re. change - the most strange thing is that he has changed already?
As I said before, he's seen the GP, looked for support groups for depression and bulimia, accepted a referal for a psychistrist, etc. He has also come clean to his family and has reinstated communication with his sister (they were not talking for at least 6 years). He has changed his working hours and his training/bedtime routine.

He is allergic to egg and could not stand the smell. He was a bloody pain in the arse about this. The other day he made DS some fried eggs.

This is what is super confusing. Why the fuck didn't he behave like a normal person before?!

Re all this change not lasting - believe me, I am also worried it will not. But he knows 100% that at the first sign of him reverting to his old self, I am gone. And he still claims it will not happen again....

[quote IamAporcupine]@BeagleEagle - thanks, yes, I have done that re. the 2am talks. I am still exhasuted though.

Re. change - the most strange thing is that he has changed already?
As I said before, he's seen the GP, looked for support groups for depression and bulimia, accepted a referal for a psychistrist, etc. He has also come clean to his family and has reinstated communication with his sister (they were not talking for at least 6 years). He has changed his working hours and his training/bedtime routine.

He is allergic to egg and could not stand the smell. He was a bloody pain in the arse about this. The other day he made DS some fried eggs.

This is what is super confusing. Why the fuck didn't he behave like a normal person before?!

Re all this change not lasting - believe me, I am also worried it will not. But he knows 100% that at the first sign of him reverting to his old self, I am gone. And he still claims it will not happen again....[/quote]
I honestly don't know, nor can you at this point. Are you willing to commit the time with the risk that you'll be disappointed in the end, and do you think you will leave him if it doesn't work or is there a risk of you kicking the can down the road and ending up unhappy for years with the promise of a brighter future? Maybe it's worth figuring out for yourself what your limits are and making sure to stick to them.

He could have been this way, he chose not to.

Does he binge eat? Have a shower or visit bathroom after meals? Do you always have a toilet spray or something he could be using to conceal the smell? Does he have his own bathroom?

It sound like the issue here isn’t this eating disorder, but that you have lost feelings & wish to separate ?

It’s all too convenient to make this about him & it sounds like he has decided for you that as he has changed you have an obligation to keep trying.

You can leave just because you don’t want to be with him anymore.

@gutful - I have no doubts re the bulimia, it is 100% true

I just need to give me time and space to understand how I feel and what I want.

Even if he has changed (which I doubt lasting) you're not obliged to give him another chance. You don't owe him more of your life.

After ten years of (what was clearly his choice) to treat you badly, you can still say it's too little, too late, if it is.

His "epiphany" could just serve him well for amicable co-parenting and his own future, a relationship with you doesn't have to be part of it.

@category12 - I know I do not own him anything. I just need time to process it all.

@BeagleEagle, sorry I missed your previous reply.
If there is one positive thing about all of this, is that I am super aware of my thoughts/feelings and I do trust them. And I certainly do not want to go back to the person I was, or how miserable I felt.

We had yet another chat last night - he's asking himself why he acted and behaved the way he did. He accepts he was piece of shit and wants me to keep telling him every example that crosses my mind. He was to feel responsible.

I am still not sure anyone can change that much in such a short time, and mantain it. In any case, the big question for me, is, even if all this is true, and the future looks bright (!), do I want to share it with him after all that's happened.

Oh OP I do feel for you in every way. My closest friend has had this so many times, she ups and decides to leave, he has an epiphany and then goes to get help and medication blah blah. 3 months later he's back to his horrible self. She starts to leave, he....well....you get the gist of this. He wont change. He is fearful of losing the control he has on you. So he is now paying lip service to everyone around so you wont leave. I will guarantee you will be back on this forum in a couple of months saying that he didn't change.