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Heartbroken over army guy playing me?

(28 Posts)
Vannay Sun 09-Aug-20 08:44:20

I met a guy and we started dating (he’s in the army), we had been dating for two months and things were going great. I didn’t tell any of my friends about him because I didn’t want to get too excited and jinx it, he was talking about marrying me someday and even told me he loved me on the first date. He was so romantic and lovely, we didn’t have sex because I was scared of getting hurt then finally we did even though my gut told me to wait a bit longer (but I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t interested). Anyways I ask if we can swap instagrams/social media and he’s being a bit weird about it, he finally does and I see a woman commenting kisses and hearts underneath his page and commenting bae. I go on her page and she is praising him for what a wonderful husband he is and tagging him in a pic of them two together and has in her bio saying mama of two and wife of (the guy with his name tagged). I confront him and he denys it, unfollows me on insta and deletes his Instagram and he promises me I got it all wrong and we go back and forth for ages and he lies about everything and even trips up his own lies. He refuses to go back on insta to prove I’m getting the wrong end of the stick then he just leaves and makes me feel like I’m accusing him and I’m wrong and making him look like a cheat saying he was never married and she’s confused and blah blah blah. Anyways I’m left here now crying my eyes out broken hearted over this guy that I gave my body to who I really thought loved me. And now he won’t answer his calls and I feel so empty inside. I can’t even ask the woman if she is married to him as I deleted her insta and forgot what it’s called. I’m just so hurt and don’t know where to go from here sad I posted this before but don’t know how to add the bit about him being in the army. I feel so stupid he was just wasting my time and my friends told me not to date an army guy cause they always have wives. I feel like that is a generalisation but now I don’t know sad I’m so hurt

OP’s posts: |
Mischance Sun 09-Aug-20 08:47:19

Have your cry - you have been hurt and that is what we do.

Then pick yourself up and move on.

Perhaps persuade yourself not to be upset, but to be bloody angry - he is a nasty cheating piece of work and you are well rid of him.

You deserve better - every woman deserves better than these low-lifes.

Mischance Sun 09-Aug-20 08:48:48

Oh - and carry this experience forward with you for future relationships. Once bitten, twice shy.

Turn this horrible experience into gain - you are now older and wiser. That is a plus.

wowfudge Sun 09-Aug-20 08:49:41

Lesson learned? The love bombing was a red flag. You didn't realise because you're not a liar and a cheat. Move on and try to forget about him.

mildlymiffed Sun 09-Aug-20 08:50:59

I am so sorry, but you've been played. Trust your instincts. Don't even think to doubt yourself or blame yourself. He should be the focus of your anger (as PP says).

Chalk it up to experience. Have a cry and a wallow- that is more than allowed. Then move on. What a scumbag he is.thanks

LongPauseNoReply Sun 09-Aug-20 08:52:11

Sorry you’re feeling hurt but the previous poster is right. Saying I love you on the first date is a huge red flag. Look out for these signs in future and use it as a lesson.

AuntieStella Sun 09-Aug-20 08:55:56

You're focusing on the wrong thing if you thing that the Army is an important part of this.

Yes, there are plenty of little shits, but also plenty of nice ordinary guys shi treat people well.

Your problem is that you had the bad luck to encounter a shit. And it doesn't matter if he's tinker tailor soldier sailor.

You sound very down at the moment. Who have you got around in in RL? Are there things you can do together-ish, so that Sunday (often a day that drags) does not weigh too heavily on you?

I would recommend setting a limit on how long you have a good wallow. Because it's important not to get stuck.

This bit of your post jumped out at me

my gut told me to wait a bit longer (but I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t interested)

I think one of the things you can learn from this is to go with your gut. There are plenty of ways to show you're interested without having sex before you are ready. If you're ever feeling pushed, slow down!

Be kind to yourself. Do you have any plans for today and this week coming?

Thehop Sun 09-Aug-20 08:56:41

Plenty of us have been there love. Have a cry, do some swearing and then dust yourself off and move on. Seriously, see it as a learning opportunity he’s taught you a valuable lesson.

Amber0685 Sun 09-Aug-20 08:57:20

You had a lucky escape unlike his wife.

VictoriaBun Sun 09-Aug-20 09:02:29

Yes I agree with above poster. He played you into believing he was a good man. Be thankful it was just for a few months. He has a wife and children that have him for longer than that. They are the ones to feel sorry for.

Lampan Sun 09-Aug-20 09:02:42

I got as far as him telling you he loved you on a FIRST DATE. Huge red flag waving right there. I know it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of meeting someone new who you like, but try not to lose your rational thoughts - how on earth could anybody love someone they have only just met?? Someone who says this is either not thinking, or being manipulative.
As other posters said, you have been unlucky and just met a shitty guy. Try not to get so invested so quickly and it wouldn’t be as hurtful if it doesn’t work out. Remember you don’t ‘know’ anybody until you have met them several times, over at least a few weeks, and in different situations.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest Sun 09-Aug-20 09:06:55

He lied. Everything was a lie. He lied to his wife about being faithful. He lied to you about being single. You were love bombed for sex.
Move on and please look into counselling for self esteem. Trust that he was married.
I once dated a man who showed me his divorce certificate from his ex wife. He friended me on SM but told me not to put anything on his page as his ex wife were nuts and his children (adults) protective. Yes, he played me. He was still seeing the ex wife and having sex with her. He told her I was just "a friend" I later found thousands of I love messages to her. 8am He would text "I love you baby" to both of us, same at 10am and noon and so on -copy and paste.

BettyCrockaShit Sun 09-Aug-20 09:56:08

You poor thing. Can totally sympathise - I experienced almost exactly the same thing with a guy in the Navy about 5 years ago. Got right under my skin but had a longtime girlfriend back at base.

Gave my confidence a real knock, that one. But it did quickly get easier. Cry it out, then onwards! Don't waste any more emotional energy on a prick like that.

crimsonlake Sun 09-Aug-20 10:26:08

OP you posted about this yesterday and had lots of responses?? Why are you reposting?

AdaColeman Sun 09-Aug-20 10:42:11

Have a good cry, then mop up your tears and get on with your life.

When he told you on the first date that he loved you, that should have set all your alarm bells ringing. He was telling you what you wanted to hear, in order to control you, so you would do what he wanted.

Learn a lesson from this experience, don’t be so gullible and trusting next time.

eatsleepread Sun 09-Aug-20 10:49:21

If a guy told me he loved me on a first date, I'd have him down as a right weirdo.

Vannay Sun 09-Aug-20 10:53:19

@crimsonlake I wanted to post the part about him being in the army but I don’t know how to edit posts, I did state that in this post sad x

OP’s posts: |
Vannay Sun 09-Aug-20 10:53:46

@AdaColeman thanks it just sucks sad

OP’s posts: |
ALittleBitConfused1 Sun 09-Aug-20 11:18:35

Yeah telling someone you love them on a first date is seriously weird and even discussing futures 6 or 7 dates in is simply bullshit. Allow yourself a bit of time to wallow, then brush yourself off and move on.
I'd be concerned that your using words like heartbroken over something so short. Are you sure this isnt masking something else. Maybe take some time out of dating and do some self exploration. Dating is hard and if you are getting so invested so quickly you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, shitty men spot vulnerability a mile off and they will play on it. Maybe take some time to look at other things that could be going on within yourself. I always say that you're only ready to date when you're the best version of yourself.

But going forward if a man is telling you one date in he loves you and talking about marriage etc so quick he usually isnt genuine, run for the hills.

Dery Sun 09-Aug-20 11:41:16

As PP have said you were love-bombed at the outset - alarm bells needs to be ringing VERY loudly if someone tells you that they love you on the first date and starts making extravagant plans for your future together in the early months. Anything said and done in those early months is built entirely on fantasy and means nothing. Actually - worse than nothing: the bold statements are usually lies aimed at getting the target into bed sooner than might otherwise be the case and/or aimed at getting the target to have condom-free sex. You've already said that sex happened sooner than you intended so he knew you were interested. That again is a real red flag. Painful as it is right now - these are very valuable lessons to have learnt and hopefully you will be more cautious in future. Trust your gut and value yourself. If a man is truly interested, he will wait for sex. And if he's sensible, he won't be talking about love on your first date or setting out extravagant plans for your future together.

kerfuffling Sun 09-Aug-20 12:01:41

Just be thankful you aren't the wife he's cheating on.

Sorry to be blunt, but he was only after one thing, wasn't he? I know it hurts that he deceived you in this way, but the only thing to do is move on, put him out of your mind, and consider it a lesson learned. flowers

Jo0070 Sun 09-Aug-20 12:33:46

Aaaaw Vanay Im feeling for you. The problem you've got is that you're fighting with biology - you loved him, and he's been taken away from you, and the pain is real.

The pain we feel is associated with real pain. (I heard that if you took asprin or similar, it can numb your pain. Ive never tried it, but the point being your emotional pain is associated with physical).

Its your attachment that's causing you to feel like you are, and that all down to biology - how we're made to ensure we survive.

You see John Bowlby, a psychologist came up with the attachment theory that explains when we are with a partner we have the best chance of survival, because the reassurance that human get from having someones back, from feeling 'filled up' with their love: makes us feel we can move mountains, tackle anything in life, give us inner peace.

Unless as John Bowlby points out, you were raised by unresponsive parents, which can rub off on the child and effects them in adulthood - making them avoidant.

The feelings you are experiencing are just like a child who is crying for his mummy. So imagine a toddler in a room with mummy and a stranger, mummy leaves and child is notices. It will cry for its mummy. Then mummy comes back in and everything is good again.

Its the same thing. Dependency. Its in us as a child, and it stays with is.

Many experts say being on your own is good, but our biology begs to differ.

Evidence shows oeople live 35% longer when they are in a 'happy' relationship'. People with high blood pressure had their readings done, when their partner held their hand or were in close proximity the reading dropped.

Numerous other studies have proved that when someone feels 'filled up' with love from their partner, they are more than likely to become successful in their careers

So my point in all of this is that the pain you're feeling is absolutely normal, and nothing what we tell you will numb your pain.

Your survival clock is ticking away.

So why don't you look at it from another angle. Why don't you write a list of all the reasons why this guy would be bad for you.

On that list it could be: he's a cheat. He Will cheat on you

His cheating ways will make you feel invaluable. He will knock the stuffing out of your self esteem. What a crap life that would leave to.

He will lower your self esteem which will have a knock on effect on your job etc

You'd never trust him, and so you would turn into a jealous person. Not your fault at all. He will have made you that way.

These are starters. But the point being focus on 'Why' he would be so bad for you, rather than focus on something you have lost.

Pat yourself on the back too for fishing out the dead meat so early on, things could have been so much worse, he could have been having an affair with you for years until you got to find out.

Have a good cry, get it out, but if you're still crying in a week, maybe look in the mirror and talk to yourself a bit tougher.

You say you cant remember his wife's name, can you look on your web browsing history?

And Im not sure on this myself, but if he has children, is it the right or wrong thing to do letting the wife in on it.
If she didnt have kids Id be like yeah sock it to her.
But there's kiddies here who could potentially go through absolute turmoil.
Having said that, its better to come from a broken home than live in one.

Hope you can wipe those tears soon.

Big hugs xx

Leaspr Sun 09-Aug-20 17:18:48

Happens fairly often with military guys unfortunately. They are away from home a lot and it’s easier for them to cover it it. I have a military upbringing so I know exactly what they can be like and also the wives can be as bad. Not saying this is how it is with all of them of course. There are plenty of loyal one too.
It should have been a huge red flag for you when he declared his love to you on the first date though.
Clearly he’s married with kids. I know it sucks but have a cry and then stop wasting any more energy on this guy!

NiceGerbil Sun 09-Aug-20 17:21:20

I'm so sorry OP.

At least you found out sooner rather than later.

His poor wife.

LilyWater Sun 09-Aug-20 19:06:21

OP come on now, how can anybody 'love' someone after just one date with a stranger?? This alone should have told you he was only after one thing. You need to focus on making yourself happy and stop looking for men to validate you. You're going to be in this situation many many times unfortunately as there are a lot of men who will take advantage of you and your naivety and you may miss out on the good men in the process. Bad men can sense neediness a mile off and have a ready stock of lines/phrases to get what they want and you made it so easy for him. Please protect yourself. I really feel for you but this guy is simply not worth anything (include not worth you). Before venturing into dating again, focus on yourself, go through counselling (some are offering online services) to work on your self esteem as low self esteem is often the result of childhood or past history. There are also some good self help books. flowers

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