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Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

(152 Posts)
MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 22:51:48

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

OP’s posts: |
sunflowersandtulips50 Thu 04-Jun-20 22:54:32

How did you find out? Did he confess all?

conduitoffortune Thu 04-Jun-20 22:56:57

I can't see how this could now ever, ever work. What a fucking prick

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 22:57:10

No he didn't confess, somebody else dropped him in it. He denied it so I approached his ex who told me herself, at which point he admitted it (like he had a choice)

It's very messy and I'm still reeling from the humiliation now.

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Toohardtofindaproperusername Thu 04-Jun-20 22:58:24

You only talk about a home and money as reasons to stay. Not dismissing that, and do wonder what else is there.

iswhois Thu 04-Jun-20 22:59:43

Sorry OP it sounds like a huge mess. Who's to know it wasn't more than once given that he hasn't at all been forthcoming about it.

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:03:45

I think if it was more than once then the ex would have said, she was very forthcoming.

It's impossible to know for sure of course, and it's entirely possible he has done it before and since. I don't trust him and with good reason.

My reasons for remaining are mostly superficial I admit. There are some feelings there, but my priority is the stability for the children.

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MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:04:43

When I say it's possible he could have done it before and since, I'm referring to cheating in general, not necessarily with the ex wife.

OP’s posts: |
TippledPink Thu 04-Jun-20 23:05:21

I couldn't stay after that- no way. He has completely humiliated you, she is always going to be around so you will always be reminded.
I also agree with pp, you have named financial reasons for staying which is never a good enough reason. It's never going to work if you can't trust him. Do you even still love him?

On a side note, I can't even imagine wanting to sleep with my exh, makes me feel physically sick- I thought everyone felt like that about their ex!

EL8888 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:06:21

My instinct is no. It’s one of the biggest betrayals and major kick in the face. It’s not as if he can have nothing to do with her ever again

TippledPink Thu 04-Jun-20 23:07:32

Xposted, children can have stability with parents who live apart. My parents stayed together 'for the kids', it was awful, I wish they had split up!

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:07:38

He has completely humiliated me yes, I'm bitterly ashamed and can only imagine I'm a laughing stock.

I love him as the father of my DC but I'm no longer in love with him. That died when his monogamy did.

W

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schoolsoutforcovid Thu 04-Jun-20 23:08:52

Do you have any children together? I'd leave him tbh. Why do their pre-teen children know enough about it to have had such a huge fall out?

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:09:30

Perhaps I do need to look at separating after all, my gut was telling me as much.

I just wanted the whole thing to go away and close the book.

It has been easy to put it to the back of my mind whilst there has been no contact between them but now that has changed (which I support completely) it's impossible to bury the humiliation.

OP’s posts: |
MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:10:26

We have children yes.

Him not seeing the older children for several months wasn't their decision, it was H and his Ex wife refusing to communicate amicably.

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schoolsoutforcovid Thu 04-Jun-20 23:10:43

Don't be humiliated! Unless you were the OW in which case.....well.

Techway Thu 04-Jun-20 23:11:11

There must have been a build up to sleeping together so the boundaries have been blurred for some time.

I doubt he will be able to distance himself.
How many children are involved? Does his ex w have a partner?

schoolsoutforcovid Thu 04-Jun-20 23:11:37

Ok, sounds like a total wanker then. The pair of them do tbh. I'd cut my losses and protect my children if I were you

Interestedwoman Thu 04-Jun-20 23:12:04

You don't trust him, and rightly so. Do you get much that's pleasurable out of this relationship?

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jun-20 23:12:26

Gosh. I would lose so much respect for myself if I stuck around after this.

Aren't you worth more than that ?

TenShortStories Thu 04-Jun-20 23:16:38

What a betrayal sad. I think for me, the fact that you asked him outright and he continued to hide it from you is almost as bad as the act. To leave you scurrying away to check with his ex knowing there's a good chance you'd get it confirmed from the OW after he lied to your face... ugh. It was all about hoping you wouldn't find out and not about your feelings and making sure your hurt wasn't compounded with a humiliating experience. And that's on top of the actual bloody cheating! Has he been selfish in other aspects of life?

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:16:43

I wasn't the other woman, we've been together for 5 years and he had been divorced for 2 when we met.

Aren't you worth more than that?
I used to think so. I have lost all respect for myself.

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Dollyrocket Thu 04-Jun-20 23:16:57

Too much has been damaged and you can’t avoid being reminded of it.

MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:18:56

He's a shit, an utter shit.

There aren't many redeeming qualities other than the fact he's a hands on parent and good provider.

Emotionally he's stunted.

I am ashamed of myself for staying for superficial reasons I just guess I'm scared to go it alone too..

OP’s posts: |
MagicMoments6 Thu 04-Jun-20 23:21:06

I didn't sign up to be a single parent and I've invested alot in the family unit we have built.

I'm also thinking of the children in the sense that if I were to leave him then they wouldn't see their siblings.

I would have to move. Etc.

The logical thing is to give my head a shake and change direction. I will probably take alot from this thread. Thank you

OP’s posts: |

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