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A question about how abusive people view their victims after they leave?

(191 Posts)
Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:23:07

I’ve approached this subject before on a thread. I asked whether abusers know they are abusive. I was kind of content with the answer that they don’t, they think a different way to “normal” people. Now I’m not sure what I’m working with.

I’m looking at a potential court case over custody. I was thinking about how he views me now. Does he view me as the same women who I was when we were together. Does he have no idea what’s happening or why I’m not cooperating? Does he see himself still as the victim?

Or, does he know that I know he abused me, is he hoping and relying on the fact that I’m too damaged to act now? I’m making dam sure I’m not too damaged at all!!!

I’m just wondering a little on how he thinks in order to work out how to tackle this. I kind of need to know thy enemy.

Northernsoullover Fri 22-May-20 23:27:43

I can't speak in a professional capacity but a friend left her abusive husband 3 years ago and he is still making her life a misery. Nothing 'serious' hmm but she has had to get a non molestation order. He is screaming to anyone and everyone that he is the injured party despite having made her life hell. He's shocked he has lost control.
He will never see the situation from her side. Its his version of reality. Womens Aid have been amazing. Have you contacted them?

kitk Fri 22-May-20 23:29:58

I'm fairly confident my abuser still sees himself as the victim. Sorry lovely. Women's aid are great as a PP said

ponchek Fri 22-May-20 23:32:13

Still gaslighting, still mocking, still controlling, still blaming, still bemoaning the fact that he is the victim.

ponchek Fri 22-May-20 23:35:26

OP I think he's in cloud cuckoo land. He thinks that by undermining your version of events in court, you will be seen as the one at fault, he will be pitied and understood, and get what he wants re custody.

I'd expect breath-taking lying and appealing to the audience.

You just need hard facts, corroborated evidence and a steely resolve. Quiet dignity. Don't let him get you down.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Fri 22-May-20 23:37:33

My abuser claims he has realised he was wrong and since finding God, has had an epiphany and doesn't abuse his wife (the woman he left me for). I am very sceptical because I know he is unfaithful to her, but she has been with him for 20 years and seems happy. I know that I looked happy to outsiders while we were together but I think 20 years would have broken me. So I don't know - although he has told me he is disgusted by his former self. I think that is his narcissism and he was trying to justify it by claiming it is his past.

Spain1 Fri 22-May-20 23:38:28

It's amazing how the all play the victim & act the same.

Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:41:15

I have had quite a bit of support. I was just wondering how he views me now?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Fri 22-May-20 23:46:37

Still gaslighting, still mocking, still controlling, still blaming, still bemoaning the fact that he is the victim

That plus being the victim of parental alienation.

I would go very careful about how you go about fighting for custody. What I have come to learn is that in Britain, a parent can be a woman beater, a rapist, a murdered, may have hurt the kids all the time but denies it, and the courts would still agree that is very important for his child to keep contact with the dad no matter how much damage that does.

How old is your kid? That makes all the difference.

Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:48:22

I have a lot of evidence, he surely must know he has been wrong. He honestly can’t think he’s the victim. He will stand their (if he does apply) and have to listen to a lot of pretty damning evidence against him. I’m just wondering if he thinks I’m too scared to take him up on his threats of taking me to court over access or he genuinely believes he is the victim. Whether he really doesn’t have a clue what he was like or whether he is replying on my poor mental state when with him.

Techway Fri 22-May-20 23:51:24

Yes they are in victim mode because if you are not complying with them then you are victimising them. They lack empathy so have no ability to care if they trample over you to get their needs met.

They will run a smear campaign against you as in their mind you are a dreadful person since you are not giving them want they want.

They will try to win at all costs to prove that they are superior to you.

At the time of divorcing I felt Ex H was doing everything to hurt me however it is mostly about getting what he wants and winning, I was just an obstacle. He wanted to pay less CMS so fought residency. The opinions of the children didn't matter as he believed he was the superior parent anyway.

As he has no empathy he is able to be vicious as it's just a way of succeeding. He also assumes everyone is the same as him so thinks he needs to get his retaliation in first.

It is still the same now, if anyone says No fo him then he is genuinely aggrieved and believes people are hurting him deliberately

Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:51:33

She is 4. I’m not so worried about the outcome, that has yet to be even applied for. Just the question of how he views me.

Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:53:53

What does he want to win?

Fightingback16 Fri 22-May-20 23:55:55

If he gets our daughter full time and gets to keep the house and all the money and pension is that him winning?

sawollya Fri 22-May-20 23:57:39

yeh, 14 years later, my abusive x still sees himself as the victim of ME.

If you hooked him up to a lie detector and asked him ''do you remember choking her?'' I'm not sure what he'd say. That's a really small detail to him, if he remembers it, and he would focus on how angry I'd made him if he remembered.

He still blames me for everything. There's no responsibility taken at all.

It's amazing really, he was an intelligent person but has the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old.

sawollya Fri 22-May-20 23:59:40

I think he knows that I've changed though. He does sense that. He'd never verbalise anything that would be an admission that he was abusive though, because he couldn't say even to himself ''she'd never accept that now''. But he knows that he can accuse me of the worst things in the world and I won't defend myself. So he knows I've DETACHED. Not sure if he views me as stronger, wiser, more aware......... Nothing positive. But he must be aware I've detached. That's all I think.

LadyDoc1 Sat 23-May-20 00:02:48

People like this will always view themselves as being wronged, it’s not your problem and as time goes on, in a few years friends and family including your daughter will be old enough to make their own minds up.
I’m no expert, but I’ve found that refusing to be drawn in public helped, as they enjoy the attention and drama.
My boy is 11, he can already see through some of the nonsense, but I’m careful to never do any bad mouthing or make h feel stuck in the middle, it’s totally unfair. Be prepared for that kind of tactic to be thrown at you though

Fightingback16 Sat 23-May-20 00:03:21

I guess winning then is any kind of emotional reaction. No reaction is the best reaction. That’s gonna be hard!

B1rdbra1n Sat 23-May-20 00:03:35

sometimes they believe that they have justification for punishing you, or they feel a very strong desire to punish and/or control you they kind of know it's not right but the desire is strong and they they prefer to indulge themselves by giving in to the desire.
Sometimes I think there is some mental sleight-of-hand going on where they they let themselves slide/fall, give in to anger and/or hate and then excuse and justify after the fact.
Sometimes there is just unbridled Fury at being thwarted.
in many ways it might benefit you to find out exactly what is going on in his mind because that would give you you an advantage in out maneuvering him
but then again it's rather distasteful engaging at all with these types😶🙄

sawollya Sat 23-May-20 00:04:25

@Fightingback16 don't study how he views you.

Have you heard of Meredith Miller Inner Integration on youtube? Lisa A romano? Stephanie Lyn coaching, Michelle Lee Nieves.

There are a lot of really good youtubers who have a lot of helpful clips.

You must detach from giving a tiny little shit what he thinks about you.

If I told you that there is a retired morris dancing living in malmo who thinks you're an eejit, you'd shrug. You're on your way to not caring what your x thinks of you.

He's entitled to his stupid face saving opinion, let him have it.

You'll have your life without him. You are the winner.

gottastopeatingchocolate Sat 23-May-20 00:05:55

To be honest, I don't think anyone can truly answer that question for you. There could be any number of answers.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book, "Why does her do that?" I think you can download a free pdf version. You might recognise your ex in there, which might answer some of your questions.

Fightingback16 Sat 23-May-20 00:06:40

Oh if he (and I’m guessing he will) get contact I’m going to be, and so is dd, in for years and f*****g years of more emotional abuse. I need to marry a counsellor quick!!!!

sawollya Sat 23-May-20 00:08:45

Is he saying he wANts 100% custody?
They always say that!

Especially if they've never changed a nappy in their lives.

Fightingback16 Sat 23-May-20 00:10:22

Yes I’ve read a lot of books including that one, as you can tell I’ve had a lot of great advice from here already.

I’m literally looking at how to out manoeuvre him. Not engage at all but pre empt what I’m getting into.

Fightingback16 Sat 23-May-20 00:11:25

No he isn’t saying that. I just wondered what winning to him would feel like.

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