Ok - so last week I put up a post about how I can’t get over my ex, the mother of my child. I spoke to people and everyone is like “you’ve just got to move on” and all that stuff but I just can’t. We’ve been split up for 2 1/2 years and I’ve just found out she’s kinda seeing someone and it’s hit me so hard. This isn’t about me and sympathy for me this is about how I fix this.
So me and baby mama had a whirlwind few months; it was sex, good times, cuddles and kisses and pregnancy after 5 months. I was a “bar owner” I use this term loosely as I was more about the status than the actual role. I thought it meant I was something, a somebody - I wasn’t and I’m not now. But it did bring baby mama in to my life. When we found out she was pregnant I can’t tell you how happy I was. Life - completed it mate. Incredible. Then I had to find a way to make sure I supported my family. I only knew one thing, bars. So I rushed in to something and it cost me a friendship and cost both of us thousands of pounds. She then went on a smear campaign against me because she felt wronged; but having it going around how bad a person I was obviously had a effect, but one i just shrugged off. At this point it was a massive cross roads; do i get a normal job or do I try this bar thing one last time. My big fear was that if I became a normal person so to speak, I wouldn’t be the person she fell in love with, looking back it was the worst decision I ever made, I became a person who nearly destroyed this poor girl.
The new bar took off, money was rolling in and I would buy her MK watches, MK earrings, trips and weekends away, but she needed hugs, kisses, cuddles and reassurance. It kills me that I didn’t see it.
I just focused too much on trying to be a good dad that I neglected what my girl needed.
I went through a tough time when me and my business partner (new one) had a major fall out and I felt like the world hated me; I got such bad anxiety and depression. It was so bad I sold the bar, I wouldn’t drive down certain roads, I Was a mess. I always blamed her for not being there for me as much as I needed, but until this week I never once thought how this made her feel. I would go days without talking to her, just because I couldn’t. I would say and do things that made her feel like shit, with out thinking about it, I would send messages to her because she wasn’t there with me, I was beyond a asshole. I used to reason it that it was because she was the person closest to me was the reason she got it. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself.
So that brings me to present day, other the last couple of years we would do stuff, never sleep together but did lots of stuff that couples do. Sorry family’s do. And when I found that out last week it crushed me.
We met on Friday and I told her I can’t carry on as we are, knowing someone else is making her happy I can’t be the person she sends memories too; the person she messages random things too. And then it all came out, I told her I realised, I knew. Everything id done I knew. I wasn’t giving her excuses just that I knew. I wasn’t the person who did some morally questionable things to get ahead, I wasn’t the person who did all those things that made her cry herself to sleep, i was the person she needed then and the person she needs now. She cried at how she was driven to a dark place. We hugged, we held hands (well I grabbed her hand and asked her to look at me but she held it with me for a couple of minutes that’s gotta be good right?) she said she just can’t go back too much time has passed I said no it hasn’t what people say is of 0 importance. I said I need to make this right; I need to prove it to her; but I can’t do it if she doesn’t give me the chance. I asked her to atleast think about it and she said she would.
Listen please feel free to call me every name under the sun I deserve it all, nobody hates me more than I hate myself: but this girl is my baby mama, my princess, my girl. I have to make this right. I have to find a way. She owns my heart. Please help.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do I make this right?
Charlieread1 · 23/02/2020 11:51
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