Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
How do I make this right?(41 Posts)
Ok - so last week I put up a post about how I can’t get over my ex, the mother of my child. I spoke to people and everyone is like “you’ve just got to move on” and all that stuff but I just can’t. We’ve been split up for 2 1/2 years and I’ve just found out she’s kinda seeing someone and it’s hit me so hard. This isn’t about me and sympathy for me this is about how I fix this.
So me and baby mama had a whirlwind few months; it was sex, good times, cuddles and kisses and pregnancy after 5 months. I was a “bar owner” I use this term loosely as I was more about the status than the actual role. I thought it meant I was something, a somebody - I wasn’t and I’m not now. But it did bring baby mama in to my life. When we found out she was pregnant I can’t tell you how happy I was. Life - completed it mate. Incredible. Then I had to find a way to make sure I supported my family. I only knew one thing, bars. So I rushed in to something and it cost me a friendship and cost both of us thousands of pounds. She then went on a smear campaign against me because she felt wronged; but having it going around how bad a person I was obviously had a effect, but one i just shrugged off. At this point it was a massive cross roads; do i get a normal job or do I try this bar thing one last time. My big fear was that if I became a normal person so to speak, I wouldn’t be the person she fell in love with, looking back it was the worst decision I ever made, I became a person who nearly destroyed this poor girl.
The new bar took off, money was rolling in and I would buy her MK watches, MK earrings, trips and weekends away, but she needed hugs, kisses, cuddles and reassurance. It kills me that I didn’t see it.
I just focused too much on trying to be a good dad that I neglected what my girl needed.
I went through a tough time when me and my business partner (new one) had a major fall out and I felt like the world hated me; I got such bad anxiety and depression. It was so bad I sold the bar, I wouldn’t drive down certain roads, I Was a mess. I always blamed her for not being there for me as much as I needed, but until this week I never once thought how this made her feel. I would go days without talking to her, just because I couldn’t. I would say and do things that made her feel like shit, with out thinking about it, I would send messages to her because she wasn’t there with me, I was beyond a asshole. I used to reason it that it was because she was the person closest to me was the reason she got it. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself.
So that brings me to present day, other the last couple of years we would do stuff, never sleep together but did lots of stuff that couples do. Sorry family’s do. And when I found that out last week it crushed me.
We met on Friday and I told her I can’t carry on as we are, knowing someone else is making her happy I can’t be the person she sends memories too; the person she messages random things too. And then it all came out, I told her I realised, I knew. Everything id done I knew. I wasn’t giving her excuses just that I knew. I wasn’t the person who did some morally questionable things to get ahead, I wasn’t the person who did all those things that made her cry herself to sleep, i was the person she needed then and the person she needs now. She cried at how she was driven to a dark place. We hugged, we held hands (well I grabbed her hand and asked her to look at me but she held it with me for a couple of minutes that’s gotta be good right?) she said she just can’t go back too much time has passed I said no it hasn’t what people say is of 0 importance. I said I need to make this right; I need to prove it to her; but I can’t do it if she doesn’t give me the chance. I asked her to atleast think about it and she said she would.
Listen please feel free to call me every name under the sun I deserve it all, nobody hates me more than I hate myself: but this girl is my baby mama, my princess, my girl. I have to make this right. I have to find a way. She owns my heart. Please help.
She's not your anything.
She doesn't have to give you a chance, she already did, lots of times.
Be a good father to your child, and leave her alone.
Go to therapy if you can't let go of the obsession.
I said I need to make this right; I need to prove it to her; but I can’t do it if she doesn’t give me the chance.
She doesn't owe you anything and what you "need" shouldn't be her priority.
You were selfish then, and you're being selfish now.
I’m aware she doesn’t have to give me a chance, I just want to make this right.
Get some therapy.
It's very obvious from what you've written that you are trying to bully this "girl" (how old is she by the way, this "girl" that you decided to impregnate after knowing her just 5 months?) into taking you back.
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. Why would she? You were a prick while you were seeing her and you're being even more of a prick now she's found the strength to leave you.
Make it right by being a good father to your child.
You've already told your ex you want to make amends. Leave the decision with her, don't put pressure on her, don't try to manipulate her, don't try to push her into doing what you want.
Make it right by letting her go and by making her life easier, by paying child support and turning up for contact time.
I actually have custody of my child, he’s with me 5 days a week. I don’t ask her for money or anything like that i help her out financially when she’s struggling and stuff. I appreciate that I have to leave her to make up her own mind; It’s just hard
You make it right by ceasing to act like an abuser and a stalker. You respect her enough to listen to her telling you no and you leave her the fuck alone.
She doesn't belong to you, she doesn't owe you anything.
Make it right by being a good father.
Make it right by accepting that you've had your chance and you now need to leave her be.
Make it right by moving on.
We hugged, we held hands (well I grabbed her hand and asked her to look at me but she held it with me for a couple of minutes that’s gotta be good right?)
No. You are kidding yourself and you're being selfish. Get therapy if youre struggling to get over it by yourself.
Make it right by respecting her right to find happiness with someone else.
Okay, tale a breath...all you can do, is become the best version of you that you can be. Address your issues. Be the best Dad. What will be will be..
Of course it hurts, we all behave ways we wish we hadn't. But really all you can do now is face one day at a time, love yourself first Charlie....❤
Are you the impulsive type generally? You see things and have to have them ? And when ventures & situations don’t immediately go your way you burn them to the ground - metaphorically speaking. You are dramatic - and not in a good way. You can’t talk this woman into coming back to you.... this isn’t a “ talk the talk” situation this is a “ walk the walk” situation. So, get your life sorted if it isn’t already. Get a steady income, make a nice home for your child, be a good dad, listen more and talk less, forget the big gestures and be a good person. Be consistent and reliable. Don’t pressure her, let her have the space to do what she needs to do. Perhaps she will be drawn back perhaps she won’t but be someone worth coming back for.
Sounds like an absolute shit show to be honest. Perhaps focus on being a good dad, providing and helping your own mental health before trying to start a relationship again.
I couldn’t live with all this drama around me, move on, she clearly has if she wanted you she’d tell you.
I had an ex like you. When he was nice it was great. We were totally loved up. But then he would snap at me. Blame me for stuff that was his fault. Be quick to take offence and twist conversations round to make him seem like the good guy and me the bad guy. When the conversation wasn’t even about that. He changed. Started losing his mind. Becoming bitter, angry and twisted. I no longer knew him.
He broke my heart and had me almost suicidal because there was nothing I could do to get him back to the guy I fell in love with. I tried and tried. It didnt work. I was sinking.
I left him. I cried a lot. I missed him terribly. But I had seen what he’d become and when he wanted me back I wouldn’t go. I knew he would destroy me. No matter how much that was not his intention. He had had no counselling and I knew inside he was the same guy.
So in a nutshell, you can’t go back, you broke her heart, you can’t make this right. All you can do is be a great father to your child. Stop thinking about how YOU are feeling and start thinking about her happiness. Let her get on with her life. Get yours in order and one day you will meet the right person. It’s not her, no matter how convenient it may seem in YOUR plan. It’s not always about you. It’s about the child now. He doesn’t need parents to be together. He just needs parents to look after him properly. You can do that.
Every single one of you is right, I don’t deserve her and I don’t want to ruin her happiness. It would be a lot easier for her if I wasn’t around anyway. Thank you all.
Easier for who? Of course it wouldn't. But it would be a lot easier for all of you if you find a way to move on.
Get some therapy and focus on your child. The way you've been conducting your relationship has done you no favours. Been there. You've split and you need to keep contact with your ex about your son and only your son. Same goes for her.
I’ve sent her a message apologising for Friday, saying yet again I’ve been selfish putting my needs over hers and said whilst I meant all I said I’m sorry that I said it because it’s just putting her in that place again when all I want is her to be happy.
And it absolutely killed me to say it
And I'm sure she wants the same for you.
So why don't you work on that?
Who knows? Things might work out between you in years to come. Or with a little help, you'll meet someone else and be just as happy, if not more happy, than you think she'll make you.
You can turn it all around, one way or another.
Who do you talk to in real life?
If she has any sense she wouldn't go near you again, you sound like my ex and I genuinely believe people like you are incapable of changing. Do her a favour and leave her alone
A wide array of people, obviously my lad mates are like ah it’s women etc but I have a few female friends, like one who has a child the same age as our son and she tells me all the time she’s using me for stuff, like I explained the situation to her about how I tret her and she’s like yeah but now she just uses you, like when I was at her house having a pizza and watching movies (just as mates) when my ex found out she would message me all night and ask me to get her fags and drop them off at my house or when she had a council tax bill of £1000 I just paid it for her and she’s like she uses you for things and for the longest time I kinda believed it if you get me but she could use me for every penny I have because there’s not enough money in the world to make up what I did wrong is kinda how I see it. Like I paid for her and her friend to go away for her birthday last year and give her spending money and stuff and I just look at that as doing a nice thing for her but like she probably sees it at as me throwing money at her to make things better so I dunno. Even my sister who says she loves my ex more than me said to me that we do too much together and she’s sent me mixed signals so idk man I just hurt so bad right now that I have done this to someone.
I try to be the best dad I can be; last year he smacked his mam full force in the face and she rang me crying I went right round sat him in his bedroom and told him how bad that is and he can’t do that to his mammy (I know some of you probably think I encouraged it or he seen me do it or something but that would never ever happen) and punished him for it. Took his iPad away and wouldn’t give him it back till his mammy said he was a good boy etc. So I do try, he wants for nothing; we do everything, play games go to the park do homework bake watch football everything. He is my world. Without him as pathetic as it sounds I wouldn’t be here.
And listen, everyone who says she shouldn’t go near me anymore I get it, I understand what a dick I’ve been. But I’m here for help not made to feel like I shouldn’t be on this planet because trust me I already know that too so please if you just wanna take shots at me don’t because I can’t cope with it
It honestly sounds like you're both just immature and need to grow up, go your separate ways and just focus on your son. Otherwise your son will get confused. Put your son first because your relationship is toxic
You need to distance yourself from her. You might not have been great to her, but it does sound like she's not great for you either. Stop being at her beck and call. The best way to make up for whatever you did, is to get healthy and change what you don't like about yourself, for yourself, long term. That's when you'll be the best co-parent you can be. And when you'll see whether she genuinely cares about you, or what she can get from you.
Throwing money at her isn't going help. It's only going to make you feel worse when she still doesn't want to get back together.
Honestly, concentrate on yourself and your boy and then I don't think you can go far wrong.
You really need to sort out your mental health - your ex isn't the answer to your unhappiness. Make an appointment with your GP asap and get some support. If you're feeling desperate, speak to the Samaritans.
If I was you, I would forget the relationship for now. You're so eager to get her back that you're actually pushing her away.
It sounds like you are in a bad place mentally and I understand how awful that place is. You have to get better for your son. He should be your main focus for everything. I know he is to you but make him your SOLE focus. Please don't end your life. I know things seem bleak right now but I promise you it fixes nothing
I know this because my brother did this and it broke my entire world. He left two sons behind and guess what... the eldest who remembers him struggles so badly without his dad... years and years of therapy for nothing. Full of anger. He has a son now and is trying. But it has shown him even more how much he needs his dad.
Remember your son when you feel suicidal. He should be your safety valve.
So first things first, go to the docs and get some antidepressants. This will help will all these overwhelming thoughts and help you have a break from yourself. secondly sign up for counselling. The best I ever had was acceptance and commitment therapy. They offer this on the NHS. Are you from the uk?
If not then please see a counsellor or therapist in your area. It makes all the difference.
Like a previous poster said, work on you and become the best version of you that you can be. Stop beating yourself up. What is done and done now. All you can do is focus on the future and what you would want to be come. Take the ex out of the picture for now.
A few questions, without the ex in the picture where do you envision yourself?
Why are you so driven and so need to be the best?
What was your childhood like growing up?
Have a think. These answers may help you.
Please login first.