How do I make this right?

[Charlieread1]

Ok - so last week I put up a post about how I can’t get over my ex, the mother of my child. I spoke to people and everyone is like “you’ve just got to move on” and all that stuff but I just can’t. We’ve been split up for 2 1/2 years and I’ve just found out she’s kinda seeing someone and it’s hit me so hard. This isn’t about me and sympathy for me this is about how I fix this.

So me and baby mama had a whirlwind few months; it was sex, good times, cuddles and kisses and pregnancy after 5 months. I was a “bar owner” I use this term loosely as I was more about the status than the actual role. I thought it meant I was something, a somebody - I wasn’t and I’m not now. But it did bring baby mama in to my life. When we found out she was pregnant I can’t tell you how happy I was. Life - completed it mate. Incredible. Then I had to find a way to make sure I supported my family. I only knew one thing, bars. So I rushed in to something and it cost me a friendship and cost both of us thousands of pounds. She then went on a smear campaign against me because she felt wronged; but having it going around how bad a person I was obviously had a effect, but one i just shrugged off. At this point it was a massive cross roads; do i get a normal job or do I try this bar thing one last time. My big fear was that if I became a normal person so to speak, I wouldn’t be the person she fell in love with, looking back it was the worst decision I ever made, I became a person who nearly destroyed this poor girl.

The new bar took off, money was rolling in and I would buy her MK watches, MK earrings, trips and weekends away, but she needed hugs, kisses, cuddles and reassurance. It kills me that I didn’t see it.

I just focused too much on trying to be a good dad that I neglected what my girl needed.

I went through a tough time when me and my business partner (new one) had a major fall out and I felt like the world hated me; I got such bad anxiety and depression. It was so bad I sold the bar, I wouldn’t drive down certain roads, I Was a mess. I always blamed her for not being there for me as much as I needed, but until this week I never once thought how this made her feel. I would go days without talking to her, just because I couldn’t. I would say and do things that made her feel like shit, with out thinking about it, I would send messages to her because she wasn’t there with me, I was beyond a asshole. I used to reason it that it was because she was the person closest to me was the reason she got it. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself.

So that brings me to present day, other the last couple of years we would do stuff, never sleep together but did lots of stuff that couples do. Sorry family’s do. And when I found that out last week it crushed me.

We met on Friday and I told her I can’t carry on as we are, knowing someone else is making her happy I can’t be the person she sends memories too; the person she messages random things too. And then it all came out, I told her I realised, I knew. Everything id done I knew. I wasn’t giving her excuses just that I knew. I wasn’t the person who did some morally questionable things to get ahead, I wasn’t the person who did all those things that made her cry herself to sleep, i was the person she needed then and the person she needs now. She cried at how she was driven to a dark place. We hugged, we held hands (well I grabbed her hand and asked her to look at me but she held it with me for a couple of minutes that’s gotta be good right?) she said she just can’t go back too much time has passed I said no it hasn’t what people say is of 0 importance. I said I need to make this right; I need to prove it to her; but I can’t do it if she doesn’t give me the chance. I asked her to atleast think about it and she said she would.

Listen please feel free to call me every name under the sun I deserve it all, nobody hates me more than I hate myself: but this girl is my baby mama, my princess, my girl. I have to make this right. I have to find a way. She owns my heart. Please help.

[Charlieread1]

@Dery

Hi OP - you’ve had great advice from PP - it does sound like you have friends around you who enjoy stirring things so try not to let them. Practise being as neutral about your ex as you are practising being with her. Don’t do pseudo-family activities with her because it’s too emotionally difficult for you and your son doesn’t need it.

But I wanted to say - you sound like you’re becoming a great person. You’ve certainly stepped up where your son is concerned. Sounds like you’re doing the bulk of the work looking after your son, you’re taking steps to address your mental health with your doctor (don’t self-medicate), you’re allowing yourself to cry and express your emotions and teaching your son that it’s okay to do so. Unexpressed sadness and hurt don’t go away - they come out as anger and violence and that’s destructive and very counterproductive, dangerous even.

You know - it requires strength and courage to show your vulnerable side and that’s what you’re doing. The toxic masculine culture which has taught that men shouldn’t do that has caused so much harm.

This will sound very random but I was watching ‘Deadliest Catch’ the other day. The vessels were out in truly stormy seas with huge waves crashing over the deck and tossing the vessels from side to side. While they were out, they heard over the radio that a vessel was sinking and coast guards were scrambling a rescue attempt. 2 survived of a crew of 6 or 7. When the fishermen heard this, they started to cry. There was no shame - nor should there have been. But it really struck me - these are men who are so brave, they do one of the most dangerous jobs, if not the most dangerous job, in the world. And they’re clearly brave about their emotions.

Sounds like you’re becoming brave about your emotions too and shaping up to be a terrific example for your son.

I cannot tell you what that means to me, thank you so much.

[Dery]

Hi OP - you’ve had great advice from PP - it does sound like you have friends around you who enjoy stirring things so try not to let them. Practise being as neutral about your ex as you are practising being with her. Don’t do pseudo-family activities with her because it’s too emotionally difficult for you and your son doesn’t need it.

But I wanted to say - you sound like you’re becoming a great person. You’ve certainly stepped up where your son is concerned. Sounds like you’re doing the bulk of the work looking after your son, you’re taking steps to address your mental health with your doctor (don’t self-medicate), you’re allowing yourself to cry and express your emotions and teaching your son that it’s okay to do so. Unexpressed sadness and hurt don’t go away - they come out as anger and violence and that’s destructive and very counterproductive, dangerous even.

You know - it requires strength and courage to show your vulnerable side and that’s what you’re doing. The toxic masculine culture which has taught that men shouldn’t do that has caused so much harm.

This will sound very random but I was watching ‘Deadliest Catch’ the other day. The vessels were out in truly stormy seas with huge waves crashing over the deck and tossing the vessels from side to side. While they were out, they heard over the radio that a vessel was sinking and coast guards were scrambling a rescue attempt. 2 survived of a crew of 6 or 7. When the fishermen heard this, they started to cry. There was no shame - nor should there have been. But it really struck me - these are men who are so brave, they do one of the most dangerous jobs, if not the most dangerous job, in the world. And they’re clearly brave about their emotions.

Sounds like you’re becoming brave about your emotions too and shaping up to be a terrific example for your son.

[Charlieread1]

@DelphiniumBlue

I'm sorry you haven't been able to move on yet.
She's been clear enough that she doesn't want to be with you, and you're right, it is better if you don't text each other for support. Obviously you need to be civil so that you can discuss arrangements for your son, but that's all. She will have to understand that it's too hard for you, and tbh, she's got a new relationship and should be focusing on that.
If it turns that she does really want to be with you after all, she'll need space, and to have the opportunity to miss you. So treat her like a colleague - polite, co-operative but that's it - no personal support, no joking memes, no bailing her out of trouble.
It's great you've got family support , and that your GP is listening. Focus on family and friends for now, but one day you will meet someone else.

Thank you

[Charlieread1]

@Helpimfalling

I have just read all of this.

I am so glad you are back on your anti depressants,
I wouldn't have got through my break up if not for them.
I won't be coming off them they make my head clear ironically.

You may have not been the greatest but she doesn't sound like the nicest person to be honest.

Go steady

Thank you

[Charlieread1]

@Opentooffers

She's moved on, you haven't. The reason you haven't moved on is because you keep doing coupley stuff together - really, shopping, 6hour phonecalls? The both of you are to blame for that to some degree, but actually, I suspect from her side she's still using you for what she can financially get out of you, she's dangling a carrot, just enough to keep you providing her with stuff.
You never married, and you have your DC as much, if not more, it would appear, so you don't owe each other anything. You need to stop all communication that isn't about your DC's arrangements, and you need to stop going over old ground about the past.
Also, however, and shining out in a sinister way, is that a year after you split, you happen to have a mate who is spying on your ex and tells you, what exactly? That she came home in a taxi at 1 am.Now that is some detective work to get from that where her taxi came from, and who she'd been with - both of which are none of your business and is displaying stalking behaviour ( did you have a tail on her, rather than have a concerned 'friend' ring up with this tale?).
What you are is obsessive, it's not healthy, it's going to put another off even more and maybe even scare her, is that really what you want?
Detach and keep a distance, it's the only way forwards .

I understand the Mis-communication sorry, my friend works for the taxi company and called me the next day to tell me because it was during lockdown (and probably to stir the pot). I have completely stopped talking to her other than stuff related to our child, but she still messages me and asks me to get her stuff, to which I don’t respond but makes me feel like I’m still guilty of everything she said I was when we split up

[Opentooffers]

She's moved on, you haven't. The reason you haven't moved on is because you keep doing coupley stuff together - really, shopping, 6hour phonecalls? The both of you are to blame for that to some degree, but actually, I suspect from her side she's still using you for what she can financially get out of you, she's dangling a carrot, just enough to keep you providing her with stuff.
You never married, and you have your DC as much, if not more, it would appear, so you don't owe each other anything. You need to stop all communication that isn't about your DC's arrangements, and you need to stop going over old ground about the past.
Also, however, and shining out in a sinister way, is that a year after you split, you happen to have a mate who is spying on your ex and tells you, what exactly? That she came home in a taxi at 1 am.Now that is some detective work to get from that where her taxi came from, and who she'd been with - both of which are none of your business and is displaying stalking behaviour ( did you have a tail on her, rather than have a concerned 'friend' ring up with this tale?).
What you are is obsessive, it's not healthy, it's going to put another off even more and maybe even scare her, is that really what you want?
Detach and keep a distance, it's the only way forwards .

[Helpimfalling]

I have just read all of this.

I am so glad you are back on your anti depressants,
I wouldn't have got through my break up if not for them.
I won't be coming off them they make my head clear ironically.

You may have not been the greatest but she doesn't sound like the nicest person to be honest.

Go steady

[DelphiniumBlue]

I'm sorry you haven't been able to move on yet.
She's been clear enough that she doesn't want to be with you, and you're right, it is better if you don't text each other for support. Obviously you need to be civil so that you can discuss arrangements for your son, but that's all. She will have to understand that it's too hard for you, and tbh, she's got a new relationship and should be focusing on that.
If it turns that she does really want to be with you after all, she'll need space, and to have the opportunity to miss you. So treat her like a colleague - polite, co-operative but that's it - no personal support, no joking memes, no bailing her out of trouble.
It's great you've got family support , and that your GP is listening. Focus on family and friends for now, but one day you will meet someone else.

[Charlieread1]

Hi guys,

So:

I decided I was gonna work on this and make it better and prove to her that I wasn't that person any more. I started therapy to try and get an idea of why I was so snappy we did things together ie went shopping and stuff and all was ok.

Then during lockdown I got a phone call from a friend of mine who said that my ex ordered a taxi to get home after being at someone's house at 1 am. Bear in mind we weren't supposed to be leaving our houses. So I didn't go ballistic and message her all this shit I said I don't want to moan and complain but you can't do that your putting peoples and more importantly our son's life in jeopardy.

Anyway he stayed with me an extra night (I have him 4 she has him.3 but he stayed with me the extra night that week meaning she hadn't seen him in the full week near enough)

On the Saturday night he wanted to ring his mam so he did, and it was engaged. Tried again 10 mins later same thing. 20 mins after that it rang through, but no answer, so he tried again 10 mins after and it was engaged again so I messaged her saying look he wants to speak to you you’ve seen he’s rang you up by not ring him back? This ended up in me and her having a 6 hour phone call where We just talked about everything, me and her, our lack of communication between ourselves and our feelings. She told me she knows she never give me the chance to fix things but by then she was too far gone, which I get. Anyway she then said no she doesn’t want to be with me but not before adding “I don’t want to say this to give you false hope but I never say never to us getting back together” I’m like listen other than the boy we need to just have it so we don’t exist to each other coz we’re killing each other, no more texts no more will you buy me fags no more memes and she said but this is everything I don’t want.

Anyway I hung up and she messaged me 30 seconds later. I stayed strong and didn’t respond.

That brings me to last week. All this happened at the start of may and I stayed strong. We were cordial, didn’t argue but just didn’t talk. She still asked me to buy her fags but I said no.

Then last Friday she was supposed to pick our son up at 5, she arrived at my house at 9:45 and was having a go at me, during this she said she wanted to introduce our son to her boyfriend who had just moved here for her - then said they’d been together for a year. I don’t know which bit hurt me more. I’ve spent a week in floods of tears. I’ve told my family everything and they’ve been really supportive, and I’ve realised the root of my snappiness is me. I’m so unhappy that I’ve pushed everything and everyone away to concentrate on being a good dad and it’s hard. I can’t meet anyone new; I still feel guilty that I even consider it. I went to the drs yesterday and theyve put me back on my meds and got me in touch with first steps to be able to get myself in a better place. I have no idea what the future holds, and as much as I want it to be with her it’s probably not; but I think I’ve taken the hardest step which is admitting I need to sort my self out.

If people are posting with out reading this part please don’t give me grief; I am trying my best to improve, in the hopes that one day I may be able to be happy myself

[Charlieread1]

Hi guys,

So:

I decided I was gonna work on this and make it better and prove to her that I wasn't that person any more. I started therapy to try and get an idea of why I was so snappy we did things together ie went shopping and stuff and all was ok.

Then during lockdown I got a phone call from a friend of mine who said that my ex ordered a taxi to get home after being at someone's house at 1 am. Bear in mind we weren't supposed to be leaving our houses. So I didn't go ballistic and message her all this shit I said I don't want to moan and complain but you can't do that your putting peoples and more importantly our son's life in jeopardy.

Anyway he stayed with me an extra night (I have him 4 she has him.3 but he stayed with me the extra night that week meaning she hadn't seen him in the full week near enough)

On the Saturday night he wanted to ring his mam so he did, and it was engaged. Tried again 10 mins later same thing. 20 mins after that it rang through, but no answer, so he tried again 10 mins after and it was engaged again so I messaged her saying look he wants to speak to you you’ve seen he’s rang you up by not ring him back? This ended up in me and her having a 6 hour phone call where We just talked about everything, me and her, our lack of communication between ourselves and our feelings. She told me she knows she never give me the chance to fix things but by then she was too far gone, which I get. Anyway she then said no she doesn’t want to be with me but not before adding “I don’t want to say this to give you false hope but I never say never to us getting back together” I’m like listen other than the boy we need to just have it so we don’t exist to each other coz we’re killing each other, no more texts no more will you buy me fags no more memes and she said but this is everything I don’t want.

Anyway I hung up and she messaged me 30 seconds later. I stayed strong and didn’t respond.

That brings me to last week. All this happened at the start of may and I stayed strong. We were cordial, didn’t argue but just didn’t talk. She still asked me to buy her fags but I said no.

Then last Friday she was supposed to pick our son up at 5, she arrived at my house at 9:45 and was having a go at me, during this she said she wanted to introduce our son to her boyfriend who had just moved here for her - then said they’d been together for a year. I don’t know which bit hurt me more. I’ve spent a week in floods of tears. I’ve told my family everything and they’ve been really supportive, and I’ve realised the root of my snappiness is me. I’m so unhappy that I’ve pushed everything and everyone away to concentrate on being a good dad and it’s hard. I can’t meet anyone new; I still feel guilty that I even consider it. I went to the drs yesterday and theyve put me back on my meds and got me in touch with first steps to be able to get myself in a better place. I have no idea what the future holds, and as much as I want it to be with her it’s probably not; but I think I’ve taken the hardest step which is admitting I need to sort my self out.

If people are posting with out reading this part please don’t give me grief; I am trying my best to improve, in the hopes that one day I may be able to be happy myself

[notthisshitagain]

Good. But please focus on proving it to yourself, no one else. Because if she turns round and still doesn't want you back, then where will you be? Right back at square one.

[category12]

Seek professional help and support if you're as desperate as you have sounded, rather than self-medicating. It doesn't have to be anti-depressants if you don't want them.

[Charlieread1]

I appreciate it guys. I just don’t want to go on those again. I’ve heard cbd oil is good I may give that a try. I think because it’s all so raw at the moment aswell. Neither of us are angels but I find it impossible to blame her. My dad said to me (and I told him everything) that I’ve done all I can do but proving what I say is what comes now. I have no idea how I’m going to do it but I know I will.

[Opaljewel]

Yes antidepressants are not a weakness. Please see that. Antidepressants are no different if you have to take pills for a heart attack or copd. The brain is your bodies largest organ. It can of course go wrong from time to time just like any other organ of your body.

I would also stop listening to this he said she said crowd around you. I don't think this will help your recovery.

Be your own mentor. Kindness and being genuine is the way forward. How do you want your son to grow?

Would you like him to a be a man to be proud of? Be the example. Show him that feelings are not weakness and that you can be a man and have depression. Show him that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you pick yourself, learn from it and try to be a better version of yourself. You can do this.

You've already shown you have the determination when you want something. This time put that determination to good use.

I've found when it gets really bad, mindfulness really helps with the bad and anxious thoughts.

There is an app called headspace. There are some free bite sized exercises that have helped me so much. It doesn't matter how many times you listen to them, just do it whenever you feel low or anxious. You can put your headphones on and no one will no you are doing it.

It's just a man speaking, no weird music or doing anything strange. He just takes you through some exercises. You can do them anywhere or anytime. Like breathing exercises.

If you don't mind music then try google meditation on youtube so many free ones. I personally like a lady called rasa. She does some amazing ones and it always calms me down.

I hope some of this helps you today but ultimately the huge change comes from you. Once you learn through time and counselling to like yourself and be fully congruent of yourself, you will be in a lot healthier position to be a in a relationship. First and foremost, be in one with yourself. You are looking for someone to fill the void but that never works I promise.

Then you may find your feelings will have changed. Right now you want to cling onto the familiar and the only thing to give you any meaning or so it seems. Shift that focus onto your son and mental health and well being and watch how you grow.

I'm not a fan of kicking someone when they are done, even if they have done bad in their past but they are trying to do something about it. That takes courage. Good luck to you.

[category12]

It's a better lesson to show him that you treat an illness and that men can have MH issues and deal with them, than to act as though medication or therapy are a weakness or shameful - it's not.

Would you want him to struggle unnecessarily in the future, rather than seek help?

And it's not like he's going to see you chugging pills all the time, is it?

If you have money to throw around, spend it on yourself, on getting therapy.

[Charlieread1]

I appreciate it guys thank you. When I had my depression anxiety when we were still together I was on meds and came off them because I don’t want my son to see me on the stuff.

I know throwing money at her isn’t the answer, I’ve just spoke to my dad about it. All I can do is not be that person anymore, and I know some won’t believe me but I really am changing. Previously I’ve sacked people who I lived with, were my friends, even one girl I was sleeping with and not give it a second thought, but I had to get rid of someone a week ago and I felt abysmal, I ran through every scenario to see if there was a way I could do it without having to get rid of him because i just wanted to not have to hurt people. Even people this week have said I’ve changed which has made me feel a bit better because I never wanna be that person ever again. I used to revel in being a cunt. My mentor instilled that in me; but now I’d rather be there for people; have a kind word and ear for people to use if they need it.

[Opaljewel]

If I was you, I would forget the relationship for now. You're so eager to get her back that you're actually pushing her away.

It sounds like you are in a bad place mentally and I understand how awful that place is. You have to get better for your son. He should be your main focus for everything. I know he is to you but make him your SOLE focus. Please don't end your life. I know things seem bleak right now but I promise you it fixes nothing

I know this because my brother did this and it broke my entire world. He left two sons behind and guess what... the eldest who remembers him struggles so badly without his dad... years and years of therapy for nothing. Full of anger. He has a son now and is trying. But it has shown him even more how much he needs his dad.

Remember your son when you feel suicidal. He should be your safety valve.

So first things first, go to the docs and get some antidepressants. This will help will all these overwhelming thoughts and help you have a break from yourself. secondly sign up for counselling. The best I ever had was acceptance and commitment therapy. They offer this on the NHS. Are you from the uk?

If not then please see a counsellor or therapist in your area. It makes all the difference.

Like a previous poster said, work on you and become the best version of you that you can be. Stop beating yourself up. What is done and done now. All you can do is focus on the future and what you would want to be come. Take the ex out of the picture for now.

A few questions, without the ex in the picture where do you envision yourself?

Why are you so driven and so need to be the best?

What was your childhood like growing up?

Have a think. These answers may help you.

[category12]

You really need to sort out your mental health - your ex isn't the answer to your unhappiness. Make an appointment with your GP asap and get some support. If you're feeling desperate, speak to the Samaritans.

[notthisshitagain]

You need to distance yourself from her. You might not have been great to her, but it does sound like she's not great for you either. Stop being at her beck and call. The best way to make up for whatever you did, is to get healthy and change what you don't like about yourself, for yourself, long term. That's when you'll be the best co-parent you can be. And when you'll see whether she genuinely cares about you, or what she can get from you.

Throwing money at her isn't going help. It's only going to make you feel worse when she still doesn't want to get back together.

Honestly, concentrate on yourself and your boy and then I don't think you can go far wrong.

[Mamabear144]

It honestly sounds like you're both just immature and need to grow up, go your separate ways and just focus on your son. Otherwise your son will get confused. Put your son first because your relationship is toxic

[Charlieread1]

And listen, everyone who says she shouldn’t go near me anymore I get it, I understand what a dick I’ve been. But I’m here for help not made to feel like I shouldn’t be on this planet because trust me I already know that too so please if you just wanna take shots at me don’t because I can’t cope with it

[Charlieread1]

A wide array of people, obviously my lad mates are like ah it’s women etc but I have a few female friends, like one who has a child the same age as our son and she tells me all the time she’s using me for stuff, like I explained the situation to her about how I tret her and she’s like yeah but now she just uses you, like when I was at her house having a pizza and watching movies (just as mates) when my ex found out she would message me all night and ask me to get her fags and drop them off at my house or when she had a council tax bill of £1000 I just paid it for her and she’s like she uses you for things and for the longest time I kinda believed it if you get me but she could use me for every penny I have because there’s not enough money in the world to make up what I did wrong is kinda how I see it. Like I paid for her and her friend to go away for her birthday last year and give her spending money and stuff and I just look at that as doing a nice thing for her but like she probably sees it at as me throwing money at her to make things better so I dunno. Even my sister who says she loves my ex more than me said to me that we do too much together and she’s sent me mixed signals so idk man I just hurt so bad right now that I have done this to someone.

I try to be the best dad I can be; last year he smacked his mam full force in the face and she rang me crying I went right round sat him in his bedroom and told him how bad that is and he can’t do that to his mammy (I know some of you probably think I encouraged it or he seen me do it or something but that would never ever happen) and punished him for it. Took his iPad away and wouldn’t give him it back till his mammy said he was a good boy etc. So I do try, he wants for nothing; we do everything, play games go to the park do homework bake watch football everything. He is my world. Without him as pathetic as it sounds I wouldn’t be here.

[Mamabear144]

If she has any sense she wouldn't go near you again, you sound like my ex and I genuinely believe people like you are incapable of changing. Do her a favour and leave her alone

[notthisshitagain]

And I'm sure she wants the same for you.

So why don't you work on that?

Who knows? Things might work out between you in years to come. Or with a little help, you'll meet someone else and be just as happy, if not more happy, than you think she'll make you.

You can turn it all around, one way or another.

Who do you talk to in real life?

[Charlieread1]

I’ve sent her a message apologising for Friday, saying yet again I’ve been selfish putting my needs over hers and said whilst I meant all I said I’m sorry that I said it because it’s just putting her in that place again when all I want is her to be happy.

And it absolutely killed me to say it