Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
AIBU to be bugged by DH actions(224 Posts)
Apologies for the long post....I'm after some insight into something that is starting to really bug me in my marriage. I'm mentioning a few examples of a pattern has been going on for over 6 months now. It seems more and more that my husband and is kind and caring in public and distant and cold in private.
Background. We've been together 9 years and I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him as it has periods of seeming to be under control and then periods of 4+ seizures a week (which is the stage I am at now).
I am also recovering from a stress fracture of my heel bone caused by increasing my gym workout load too quickly (although I didn't know about stress fractures and the causes of them until I injured myself).
When DH and I are in public and people ask how my Epilepsy is at the moment and more recently what I've done to my foot etc, he's been supportive, sympathetic and caring. He helps with practical things as I'm on crutches at the moment and need a little assistance here and there, carrying things etc.
The couple of times I have had a seizure in public and he has been called by strangers who have found me (I wear a medical alert bracelet) he has rushed to me from work or wherever he has been and sat and held my hand, caressing my face, being affectionate and caring towards me especially when I have injured myself and strangers have called an ambulance.
As soon as we have been home, he's been distant, cold and snapping at me for days.
In the summer, I fell off my bike and ended up upside down in a ditch in a nest of stinging nettles and thistles with my bike on top of me. No one was around and I managed to gradually pull myself up (not easy with a bike on top of you). I felt sore all over having fallen against a concrete pillar on my way down and was covered in stings & scratches so I sent DH a text telling him what had happened and asking him if he could please pick me up. I realised it was 10mins before the end of his work day but they are incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early as long as he goes in early to make the time up and this was the first time I ever asked him for something to do with me.
He didnt leave work until 15 mins after his normal finish time, got to me with a look of thunder on his face, hardly said a thing except "get in" (to the car) and ignored me the rest of the day. Not once did he ask how I was nor in the days that followed and when I finally asked him what held him up at work, he said nothing, he just didn't see what the hurry was. (He only ever works late if hes making time up or stuck on a phone call).
When I have had seizures at home he later makes negative comments which make me feel like he thinks I've been letting the family down. Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?".
Last Friday, the day after I found out I had broken my heel bone, I was tired and in pain and had spent the day making and decorating our DS birthday cake (no excuse but a contributing factor) I said it was frustrating when I was struggling to carry things being on crutches that he hadn't put the shopping away when he brought it home and instead left it out on the kitchen side (he'd gone and sat down and was playing a racing game on his phone) he snapped at me (I probably deserved being snapped at given I wasnt exactly nice in my tone) and started swearing and said "its your own fault you're injured so quit moaning" then shouted he was fed up with all this s**t walked out the door and drove off for hours.
Sorry, this post has ended up being way longer than I thought it would be.
AIBU to be annoyed/worried by this all or just overly sensitive?
It sounds like he’s fed up of ‘looking after you’ which isn’t fair as epilepsy is hardly something you chose! I think you need to have a chat with him about it and get to the bottom of it.
I wouldn't call this stress. Stress is real and doesn't disappear when it's convenient for example in public and he can't behave like a twat.
He sounds resentful.
I suggest you have a serious talk with him because it's not on.
* I wouldn't call this stress. Stress is real and doesn't disappear when it's convenient for example in public and he can't behave like a twat.*
Many people suffering from stress and depression manage to put on a brave face in public.
They continue to go to work, appear to deal with issues and hide their situation from others.
In private, they crash and take it out on those at home.
Yes he sounds resentful of the OP and very unhappy.
Either that or he's a twat and always has been?
Only OP knows.
He sounds like he resents you. Are there other signs he’s getting fed up? Could he be stressed at work? Has he always been like this?
Talk to him and maybe ask him how he’s feeling?
The leaving work 15 mins late does sound cruel though. You say he’s great in public but cold in private. My ex was like that - very different from his public image. It wasn’t accidental, he did it on purpose and the real him wasn’t the helpful, kind man he appeared to be in public, but the cold, unsympathetic bully he was in private.
Yeah ny stbexh couldn't cope with me being ill and shouted and sulked about having to drive me to hospital as it was so inconvenient for him. He was selfish and didn't like having to care unless it was on his terms
It's not your fault you have epilepsy but then you also have other things going on and he must think you always have something wrong and are moaning, I'd be annoyed at having to always finish early because you've fell off your bike too, he can't always come to your aid unless it is for the epilepsy, I think something else needs to be out in place and he needs a slight break
Was the bike accident due to a seizure?
I can see how if he has to look after you a lot due to the seizures, then to also have to look after you not due to them must be annoying.
That said, most people I think would be a bit pissy & then apologise.
If he can't cope anymore then he needs to say so that you could look at someone else being called.
That said, it sounds as if he just doesn't care about you any more.
My ex was exactly the same! I have a condition that can appear from nowhere and leave me in excruciating pain. I’ve been in and out of hospital countless time for years now. When the paramedics would arrive he’d be crouched down next to me, stroking my hair and kissing my forehead...telling me it would all be alright. He’d get annoyed with the drs at the hospital telling them that they “needed to get it sorted” it was unfair for them to “leave me in so much pain”. Behind closed doors, he’d tut and roll his eyes when I was in pain, he’d be moody and ignore me if his plans had to change because I was unwell.
It’s nasty. I get that being in a relationship with someone that has an illness/disability/medical condition of some kind, can be tiring but if you really love someone you take the highs with the lows.
I think you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. How it makes you feel when he is seemingly annoyed with you for something out of your control.
It would be stressful for anyone with a partner who is subject to seizures, especially if there is a child in the mix, and I can sort of understand where he's coming from when you add self-induced and avoidable injuries. I can also see that when he wants to relax after flogging around the shops it's annoying to be whinged at for not putting the shopping away immediately. Cut him some slack and, when you're both relaxed, have a chat about how he's feeling.
Can you have another emergency call person? In general, what support do you have?
OP, this one sentence I find very telling of your relationship...
I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him
What about the stress this causes you? Your whole post seems to be one big apology for putting him out. Yes, you May have inadvertently caused the stress fracture but not on purpose. He sounds like the type of man who has a great veneer and show of 'perfect husband' and overly cares about what people think...but privately holds onto resentment and treats you with disdain.
Is he loving and kind to you in general when at home?
I think he’s stressed and resentful, I would feel this way too however selfish that may be. It’s obviously not your fault at all but I can understand his perspective.
I agree with PP; it sounds like he is growing resentful of always being on call. The seizures obviously can't be helped but the incidents with your heel and the bike do sound avoidable if you had been more careful.
Do you show/tell him how appreciative you are of his help with these things? Perhaps he himself is feeling rather taken for granted? I think the incident with the shopping highlights that; he is allowed to come in after working and shopping and sit down with his phone, so I think you were BU by moaning to him about something so trivial.
It doesn't sound like he is a guy who shirks his responsibilities or leaves you to do the bulk of housework/parenting, so perhaps he is just feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated in the relationship. My advice would be to have some self-reflection on what part you play in this and how you could take some pressure off of him. A frank discussion is usually a good starting point.
I can see his point. Although it’s not your fault, it must be so draining for him
Interesting how his "stress" only seems to manifest when you're alone with him. When others are there he manages to
pretend to be the perfect caring partner.
My husband has a long term debilitating illness and I’m now his carer and at times get stressed and resentful. I try not to let this show but sometimes it does and having to constantly apologise for it later is just more stress. None of us are saints and caring for others is difficult and while I have every sympathy for your illness perhaps you should give more care to your general health and not go overboard at the gym which isn’t compulsory anyway. Sometimes it’s good to take responsibility for yourself and think about others - you don’t have to make a birthday cake while you hobble around on crutches - but one and make life easier.
Sit down with your husband and tell him your expectations then give him the opportunity to voice his.
I don’t think it’s fair the way he’s treating you at all.
I can however understand how he might be a bit fed up of your medical condition impacting on his life. Looking after someone is hard work and it’s tiring when friends and family only want to ask about how one person in the couple is doing in relation to their medical condition, despite their good intentions.
Have you thought about seeking couples counselling? You shouldn’t feel sorry for having epilepsy and he shouldn’t be taking out his feelings on you either. Perhaps some help to work through this difficult period would help.
Well, I'm on the fence. You seem to not be looking after yourself! Breaking your heel, falling off bike (was that due to epilepsy or not, it's not clear?) If not, I think I'd lose patience too.
But I think you should have a discussion with him about it. He can't be snapping at you
You need to stop relying on him for everything. It sounds like something's always wrong with you every few months and it's probably draining tbh. Stop ringing him for every little thing and he'll probably be less overwhelmed with your epilepsy.
Do you work? It sounds like a lot if he's working, looking after DC when you're ill and looking after you and your many injuries/illnesses. Too much for one person. Far too much.
You need to talk to him. But I would hate the pretending and would call him out on it in public.
'Why are you stroking my face? We both know you'll punish me for this inconvenience by not speaking to me for a few days once we're back at home, so can you stop the performance for the cameras please?'
Nuclear option though!
I agree, he is stressed sounds like he has a lot to juggle and even though he knows he doesn't mean to be unwell, it is adding a lot to him.
Maybe the cycling accident he was annoyed that you'd gone on your own. My oh doesn't like me cycling on my own, he would be very annoyed with me if I did suffering with epilepsy.
All these might not be you fault directly but it doesn't take away that some might have been prevented and he is annoyed hrs got to pick up the pieces.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.