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Why is he so sure he could get full custody?

(40 Posts)
Defeated10 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:05:05

So background, split with ex almost 3 years ago. I left and went into a women's refuge. He was emotionally/mentally/financially abusive. Very malnipitive and calculating in his words and actions. We only really became amicable about 8/9 months ago. All was fine until he told me he had a girlfriend and now they are no longer amicable. He is blunt, argumentative and difficult. Yesterday I asked for helped as our DS was ill and couldn't go to nursery I don't get paid sick pay and he knows this. So I asked if he could have him a few hours while I went into work and grabbed my laptop so I could work from home. All hell broke lose and he became nasty tw8sting things and saying why should he help me out. I explained if I don't have money how can I pay bills etc so this would impact our son too so I didn't think I was being unreasonable to ask for help. Anyway then later on he begins calling me all sorts and saying he wants out DS more. I say no because he almost has him half the nights in the month and I said I don't think it's in DS interests to keep being passed between us when our routine is good. We have had this routine since I left him. Then he starts saying oh I will go for full custody if you don't let me have him more. I said you won't get it and he said oh I wouldn't be so sure. Logically I think he would get 50/50 max but he's got in my head and I'm thinking what does he think he has on me. The only thing I can think about is my depression or anxiety which I'm on tablets for and it's controlled. I'm a good mum and put my DS first always. Unless he makes up stuff about me and become malnipulitive. I saw a thread on here about the women's ex taking their DD and I could imagine him doing this and then the courts ruled in his favour! So I'm worrying and thinking could be make stuff up?
Sorry if this seems like in rambling I'm just worried and upset. My DM thinks this is just another form of control to get me to give him more days. Anyone got any advice or help?

PicsInRed Wed 11-Sep-19 13:13:55

These guys love to threaten this.
Funnily enough, especially when a Willing Woman has entered the picture to do the actual parenting work.

Let him file with the court (he probably won't). It's highly, highly unlikely he would even get 50/50 let alone succeed in taking your child away (laughable).

His threat shows the court who he is.


womaninthedark Wed 11-Sep-19 13:15:44

My ex said this. I had to consult a barrister. She laughed. Many men threaten, a few try, fewer still actually succeed.

Marlboroandmalbec34 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:17:12

OP in principal I am sure he wouldn’t get full custody unless there is a genuine good reason, he is being a bully who is trying to frighten you.

I do understand your worry though as I am reading the other thread too and it’s terrifying!

My ex did take me to court. He got exactly what I had offered him but I also had it put into the child arrangement order that I am resident parent and the children live with me. My sols advised to ask for this as it means if he ever tried to keep the dc the police could return them to me. Just FYI in case you do end up in court.

Marlboroandmalbec34 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:18:08

He got EOW and 1 weeknight

Greeni Wed 11-Sep-19 13:21:11

My ex took me to court for full custody when ds was 4. I have depression and anxiety and take medication.
I got full custody. He and his entire family aren’t allowed to even send a birthday card. He’s still financially responsible and is currently paying ten grand in arrears after cms took him court.
I went through 2 years of hell to get to that point. Get a good solicitor, try not to worry and don’t respond to his threats, it might turn out to be empty threats, especially considering the cost of him taking you court.

pudding21 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:33:45

Hi OP, things must have been preety rough for you to have had to go to a refuge to leave, which seems to support what your mum says. Hes fucking with your head. He won't get full custody.

Just a mention but my emotionally abusive ex loves it if I have to lean on him for child care, so I don't do it anymore. He has his days, i have mine and we both have to manage. It stops any of this shit, any guilt thrown at you and a chance to engage. Set the days in stone, then find altenrative child care arrangements if you need too.

Is the custody set out by court already or is it an informal arrnagment? Dont worry about his idle threats, I am sure no sane judge would side with a man whose partner had to go to a refuge to escape him!

Debrons Wed 11-Sep-19 14:07:25

Keep every single one of his messages. Make copies and keep them in a ring binder showing the date etc. Don’t respond to any threats. No court will allow somebody custody if they’ve used foul language like that. Speak to a solicitor about getting residency status at yours for your child. Something that states he lives with you as primary carer.

Wildwood6 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:21:02

Manipulative men are experts at knowing what you hold most precious, or what it is you're most scared of losing, and then using that against you. Your DM is right; its all about control and power. My ex told me things with so much certainty that I thought surely he can't be bluffing? But of course he was- even though he told me the information had come straight from his solicitor. Its so far from how we see the world that its hard for us to wrap our head around. Manipulative people will convince themselves that what they're saying is 100% true because they want it to be, even if it has no grounding in reality. So they'll have absolutely no problem with spouting it to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, keep going; it will get better, I promise.

RantyAnty Wed 11-Sep-19 15:53:47

Most abusive twats use this threat. Most abusive twats are also useless in that they can barely pick up their own socks let alone deal with all the needs of a young child.

The truth is most don't want custody unless they have a gf or mum to do all the donkey work
Or they want 50/50 so they don't have to pay anything.

It's about trying to mess with you, control and not paying.

mylifenow27 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:58:01

My ex and his gf threatened to take my children over and over again. I said ok then let's have 50/50 custody they soon back tracked we ended up in court an he said he can't have them more than 4 days a month.

Don't let him try bully you by being scared x

LemonTT Wed 11-Sep-19 16:27:56

He isn’t sure of getting custody. He is mainly a blustering bully who is full of shit. What he “thinks” he is sure of is that you will be threatened and unsettled. Because that is his he gets through life making other people feel bad.

Just stick to the agreed arrangements and don’t contact him in future over anything apart from that.

Hidingtonothing Wed 11-Sep-19 16:50:26

I know it ludicrous that he can't just behave like a decent human being but every time you ask him for help it gives him an opportunity to have you dance to his tune. So, shit and ridiculous and unfair though it is, you can't ask him for help with childcare when you're stuck. Of course you should be able to, but you can't, because he's a dick.

Over and above that I would wait and see what his next move is about the extra nights. How likely is he to get off his arse and pay to take you to court do you think?

Mum4Fergus Wed 11-Sep-19 17:00:20

DS Dad threatened me with this...I'm not proud but told him I'd be in full agreement (I wouldn't have been, obviously) but the thought of him having DS 24/7 was enough to shut him up on the subject.

WhoKnewBeefStew Wed 11-Sep-19 17:04:55

He’s bullying you. Go and speak to a solicitor and keep all his texts, emails etc. If he’s now being like this it might be worth you starting proceedings to tie up access via a court

LamotWamot Wed 11-Sep-19 17:36:34

My ex used to threaten 50% custody (“so I don’t have to pay you”). On the advice of a counsellor, I called his bluff and sent him a sample schedule. Never heard about it again.

The reason I didn’t want that is that I knew it would not be best for the DC, because of his behaviour with them. But he knew the threat worried me, that is why he was using it.

I’ve also accepted that I will not ask him for back up childcare with illness etc (and I wish we had an amicable relationship where we could co-parent like that, I really do. But he makes it impossible.)

It just gives him an opportunity to verbally attack. He says no anyway - always an excuse. If he ever did help, it would be held over me forever as an example of how he is flexible and I am not !

I have also learned not to give him an inch - agreeing for the children to come back early on his weekend for example, because he “feels ill”. For some reason, being reasonable and flexible in that way seems to trigger worse behaviour from him, no idea why.

What @Hidingtonothing said, I totally agree with, although it was so hard to come to terms with because it didn’t seem fair. I’ve had to learn to ask other people.

I’ve also realised that I need to pretend the opposite of what I want - so in your case, if he asked to have DC more, I would say “that’s great, thanks, gives me a chance to get to a yoga class!” or something similar. Then he would stop, because of not getting the reaction he wanted (arguments/drama/any engagement from me)

He recently got DS’s haircut with no discussion. From longish and curly to ridiculously short - almost shaved. I didn’t recognise him at first when I picked him up from school 😞

But, I took a deep breath, reminded myself it will grow and just told DS he looked lovely.

My ex would have known how much that would upset me, and would have loved an angry phone call from me. So, I gave him nothing. No response or communication about it. It means it is less likely to happen again and it means I am not giving my energy or power away to him.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Wed 11-Sep-19 17:56:16

Standard abusive man comment!
But I think with out being rude you walked into that comment. You know he's an ass hole and will use anything against you, so don't give it to him.
My ex is horrendous and I mean horrendous he also threatened 50/50 and at one point wanted to get full custody, he didn't get it and sees them eow. I would never and I mean never ask him for help, it's showing vunruability, he would eat me alive. I also never argue with him, if he threatens me with court (he often does) I either say nothing or just say I will wait for the papers. He will then back track, don't give him ammo. I know its hard I really do but it's just not worth it. Also if you do go to court his bad behaviour is hi lighted even more if you don't respond. He knows he can still get to you, don't give him that power. X

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Wed 11-Sep-19 18:06:38

I've also had the same, having a dispute with the ex regarding him seeing the children, even though there is a court order! (that's not the golden nugget everyone thinks it is rather!!!) anyway picked my daughter up and he's cut her hair, himself!! He doesn't bath the kids let alone wash or brush their hair, so know this was to get at me. I of course said nothing. I've had loads of things like this happen, clothes kept, shoes deliberately broken or ruined, returned soiled or with sick on them. I say nothing (unless I really have to). I make myself rate it out of 10 and of the event/incident is 8 or over I make say! Basically only say something if its safeguarding. But omg I pay for it, the written abuse I get and the poor kids are then often subjected to emotional abuse. Then the cycle continues!!

LamotWamot Thu 12-Sep-19 07:25:19

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 - your ex sounds like mine !

The not brushing hair issue is also ongoing.. I was thinking of sending a bottle of leave in conditioner for him, as one has curly tangly hair that needs a lot of patience to deal with (I normally get her back with it matted, and it takes so long to get out) but even that would be perceived as some kind of attack from me, and he would probably use the opportunity to berate me for “not brushing their teeth properly” - which is his response to many things (their teeth are fine)

So, I’m teaching the girls to do their own hair, getting curly one a hair cut and just biting my lip again. Same with clothes, if I ask for anything back he accuses me of having “all his clothes” (I don’t), so I am teaching the DC to pack up their stuff.

I hate the pettiness of that - but he keeps things we really need (p.e kits, raincoats etc) and then ignores messages about them, I can’t afford to constantly buy double.

OP, sorry to digress there, but I do understand how crazy making it is to deal with someone who is determined to make your life difficult.

And that bit of where he seemed “amicable” and okay... I’ve learned not to trust that, as he always turns again. He also has a girlfriend who covers childcare on his contact time... she is away at the moment so he is extra difficult!

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 12-Sep-19 08:32:10

What I found really useful was to find a good reliable childminder or nanny that I could ask for help when I needed (I paid her of course), but it meant I NEVER had to rely on my ex for help. I'd rather pay a professional than have to go and ask him.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thu 12-Sep-19 09:44:10

The children go with very little and they except and acknowledge that "daddy forgets things" so often don't want to take presious things. He now demants I pack extra things for their stay with him and says I'm abusive when I don't, eg. waterproofs etc. It's not helped by the rack he doesn't pay child maintenance!! (that's in hand). He wants to use my items/resorses. This again is very typical behaviour of his.
The more I question him or ask him not to do something, the more he will do it.
He has court ordered contact, but when he forgot to collect them from school, school contacted me and I collected them. I then received several messages from him some how blaming me for forgetting to collect them.
I also use a child minder and family when I have to. Worse comes to the worse I would call in sick, but I would never ask him.

Oldraver Thu 12-Sep-19 10:29:33

So he can't have him for an extra couple of hours but suddenly full custody is on the cards ?

Yea right, he's full of it

Span1elsRock Thu 12-Sep-19 10:33:41

Don't even give him headspace. If you do, he's won, hasn't he.

Let him crack on and threaten all he likes.

BlingLoving Thu 12-Sep-19 10:37:32

Agree with other posters that sadly you simply can't ever ask him for help.

But the full custody thing is complete BS. I see this all the time, on here and in RL where men use this threat to try and control the woman. But it's a total bluff. They don't want full custody. Most of them can barely manage to turn up on time for the limited number of days they've agreed to.

A friend's ex told her he was going to sue her because she didn't want him to take the kids on holiday (frankly, she was shocked he'd even suggested it). Hilariously, he did take her to court. With a lawyer and everything (who he clearly hadn't briefed) because once my friend produced evidence of the many many times he simply didn't turn up/ turned up late/returned kids early for the times he was supposed to have them (which was only 1 day a week and EOW), her response to him was, "well, let's see if you can actually be with your DC during the time you said you would and then we can discuss a holiday in the future"

I still laugh every time I think of it.

HollowTalk Thu 12-Sep-19 10:41:30

Does he pay child support? I'm convinced that the only reason SOME men want 50-50 is so that they don't have to pay child support.

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