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It’s over. How do I leave?

(46 Posts)
Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:12:17

Together 10 years, 2 kids, engaged 12 months, wedding booked for next year.
We’re just going through the motions. We’re not happy. I’ve evolved as a person and he doesn’t like it. I’m more outspoken now and independent. I was a SAHM until recently and was financially dependent on him. I still am, but ‘only’ for house, car(I own my car but he pays upkeep of it).
I think we’re done. We try talking but it gets us nowhere.
I’ve met someone too. Someone who makes me feel all the things he doesn’t/won’t. DP has never really been romantic-but I need that. I want to be loved, made to feel like I’m special to someone. Sex is very safe and predictable. No foreplay, straight in, I fake an O after a minute or 2, and he comes ‘with me’. It’s so empty.
This new guy... it’s not a sexual relationship(yet. Neither of us feel comfortable to take it to the next level while I’m still with DP) new guy is single.
How do I do this and cause the least amount of upset to DP and the kids? Where will I go? How will I do this with very little cash behind me? My new job is very part time. I earn about £100 a week

1WayOrAnother Sun 09-Jun-19 13:16:49

If it's over then find a way to leave but don't jump into another relationship straight away. Have some time on your own, it's the best thing you can possibly do for yourself.

Lozzerbmc Sun 09-Jun-19 13:26:00

It would be a disaster to leave marriage and start a new relationship straight away. If you are sure its the end you need to deal with that first

HollowTalk Sun 09-Jun-19 13:27:31

Are you planning to move out on your own?

SuzieQ10 Sun 09-Jun-19 13:33:12

Can you stay with family?
£100 a week is not going to get you very far. You'll probably have to go down the benefits route.

Think very careful about whether this is actually what you want. And what's best for the children. Would you still feel like separating if this OM was not in the picture.

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:41:08

We’ve been up and down for a very long time. Maybe we thought getting married would be the missing piece of the puzzle.
I won’t be jumping straight into anything with the new guy. But he has made me realise what is missing from my relationship with DP.
I tried to leave about 18months ago but chickened out. I’m a different, stronger person now and feel more emotionally ready to do this. We’re very much together because of the children

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:41:34

No family I could stay with that would have space for me and the kids

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:42:25

It’s very much a now or never thing. Other people are starting to financially invest in this wedding. It’s abroad...

MindfulBear Sun 09-Jun-19 13:45:28

Call the wedding off. Tell people you need to see if this is the right thing for both of you so are postponing.

Don't make any rash decisions.
10 years together is a long time so don't just throw it away because you've both grown up.

2 kids and 10 year's is enough to make any sex life safe and boring.

At least you are having sex!!!!!!! Most married people with 2 young kids are so tired they don't have time.

sincethereis Sun 09-Jun-19 13:47:06

You need to leave. Don’t get married when you know you don’t want to be with ur DP.

Do you own the house ?

MindfulBear Sun 09-Jun-19 13:48:02

Why don't you find a full time job? If you move out you will have to anyway. Benefits don't pay much and you will be under pressure to work more hours than you currently are.

Stay together for a little longer. Get more hours. And see how you feel.

Being a grown up is boring - unless you have a careee that you absolutely adore and even then life is blardy hard work with an OH and kids. That's what holidays are there for - to break up the monotony!!!

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:49:46

It doesn’t feel like sex. I don’t enjoy it

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 13:51:29

Youngest DC starts full time school in September so I will be able to get more hours in then.
We own the house. Well, he does. All in his name and he built it

sincethereis Sun 09-Jun-19 13:57:41

Splitting up is straight forward then.

Have a look at what you entitled to benefit wise.
Move out after an agreed time.
Agree to contact
Discuss the car payments.

MindfulBear Sun 09-Jun-19 14:06:07

Nothing you have written conveys why you should leave the father of your kids.

Meeting a new someone who makes life seem exciting cannot be compared to the man who you are raising children with and who is keeping a roof over your head and keeping everyone fed and dressed, whilst allowing you to be a SAHM and now earning what is quite frankly just pocket money.

It would be a real kick in the teeth to leave him now. Usually the baby, pre school and primary school years are when you hunker down and grit your teeth as a couple and just survive as a partnership, as a team. Then you emerge after that stronger and more stable than before to enjoy the rest of your lives together....... my guess he is in this mode whilst you have too much time on your hands so can find another love interest. This will not end well. Boyfriend will not stick around once real life gets in the way and kids need to be factored in.
Fiancé will lose his shit over the fact you've been unfaithful whilst he has been a mug and enabled you the time to be so!!!

Get rid of the non sexual relationship guy right now. End it. Get back to your fiancé and your kids. Take a holiday. Talk it over.

I think you need to be clear why this relationship is over before you walk out the door. You definitely should not just jump into a relationship with someone else tho.

And yes. Postpone the wedding.

Unless this is the pre wedding jitters? (We had these. I sympathise. We had couples counselling to get over it)

Have you thought about relationship counselling? Will help you understand whether the relationship is over or if it is just something else that could be resolved.

We had 1 counselling session together which made me understand it wasn't me but him that had stuff to change. I had to learn to react differently to his reaction to his shit but it wasn't my problem to solve.
Just this resolved so much tension!!.

He did go on and have a session on his own and then a few Years later he made some changes to his life. He is much happier himself now as a result. Which has a huge benefit to me!!

We've been together now about 15 years and married for many of them. However we nearly didn't get married. I did walk out W-day minus 5 months.
However we had those sessions, those realisations and then we had an amazing restorative holiday together with a group. Made me re-remember why I loved him. At W-day minus 3 months I bought the wedding dress and it was all back on!!!

So. Be very clear with yourselves what is going on here. And don't cheat on him with someone else because you are bored of him. If you are that bored of him - and this cannot be resolved - then leave. I'm sure life on £100 per week with 2 kids will be equally boring and most likely a tonne more work so I'm not sure why you would exchange your current life for that!!!!! You certainly would not have much time for a boyfriend unless you expect the father of your children to keep you as well as them after the relationship ends.......

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 14:26:39

Nope, absolutely do not expect anything from him financially. I supported the family with the inheritance I got from the death of a parent, while he fucked off on a stag do and tried to cheat on me. Was still trying when he got back. This was only 3.5 years ago. There have been a number of ‘indiscretions’ on his part over the course of our relationship and I’ve just had to get on with it. I definitely wasn’t strong enough to leave then(when u should have).
We went to couples counselling 3.5 years ago and it helped, for a while. I’m still not over what he did to me.
I need to make it clear, I’m not leaving him for someone else. I want to go because I feel taken for granted, like a cleaner, a cool. And that’s it. I’m not bored of my life. I’m living working again(I love my job) and can’t wait to be doing it full time.
He’s at the moment, I earn fuck all. I’m working on that though.

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 14:27:37

I’m fully aware I’ll probably have to sell my car. I won’t be able to afford the tax, insurance, services, fuel etc.

purplecatt Sun 09-Jun-19 14:33:29

You don't have to stay in a relationship you're not happy in. His indiscretions are shit, and you sound like you're not in love with him anyway.

Can you look up what you'd be entitled to and child support? I'd start looking at places to rent and getting organised.

Namechange1990x Sun 09-Jun-19 14:37:40

There have been a number of ‘indiscretions’ on his part over the course of our relationship and I’ve just had to get on with it. I definitely wasn’t strong enough to leave then(when u should have

I think if you’d have put that in your OP people probably would have been more sympathetic to your situation.

I’ve never been in your situation OP so don’t have much advice. All I will say is make sure your husband doesn’t know about this new man as the divorce could get very toxic and vengeful on his part.

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 15:01:00

Luckily, we’re not married yet. All booked etc. My main concern is finding somewhere for me and the children to live that I can afford. I don’t want to have to go down the benefits route if I can afford it. The job I have is self employed.

Inpursuitofhappines Sun 09-Jun-19 15:01:15

Avoid, not afford

MiraculousMarinette Sun 09-Jun-19 17:08:52

I am all for being single and everything but you do realise you absolutely cannot survive on £100 per week with two kids? Unless you expect him to subsidise you heavily after the split? You didn't really say whether leaving him is financially viable for you apart from the fact you earn £100 per week. That's not even enough to rent a room. Apart from that, do leave if you don't love him. Life without men in it is so much better!

Namechange1990x Sun 09-Jun-19 17:15:01

Luckily, we’re not married yet

It’s not lucky confused if you were married you’d be much more financially protected.

user1497997754 Sun 09-Jun-19 17:32:04

Can you speak to your family would they be able to help you out financially ....give you some money for deposit on a house and some funds for say 6 months initially. If you are going to end this relationship don't mention you have met someone else.....worst thing you could do in your situation.

sincethereis Sun 09-Jun-19 19:41:23


It is lucky in the sense of its easier to split up and move on. What’s hers is hers, what’s his is his.

Also, the idea that marriage offers all couples more financial protection is a MH myth. A lot of the time the home still needs to be sold, the SAHM still needs to get a job, the mother is still worse of financially. spousal support is rare etc.

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