It’s over. How do I leave?

[Inpursuitofhappines]

Together 10 years, 2 kids, engaged 12 months, wedding booked for next year.
We’re just going through the motions. We’re not happy. I’ve evolved as a person and he doesn’t like it. I’m more outspoken now and independent. I was a SAHM until recently and was financially dependent on him. I still am, but ‘only’ for house, car(I own my car but he pays upkeep of it).
I think we’re done. We try talking but it gets us nowhere.
I’ve met someone too. Someone who makes me feel all the things he doesn’t/won’t. DP has never really been romantic-but I need that. I want to be loved, made to feel like I’m special to someone. Sex is very safe and predictable. No foreplay, straight in, I fake an O after a minute or 2, and he comes ‘with me’. It’s so empty.
This new guy... it’s not a sexual relationship(yet. Neither of us feel comfortable to take it to the next level while I’m still with DP) new guy is single.
How do I do this and cause the least amount of upset to DP and the kids? Where will I go? How will I do this with very little cash behind me? My new job is very part time. I earn about £100 a week

What you do with the ring is up to you but I would not sell it to finance the move if I were you. I'd keep it until it is really needed. Right now he should continue to support the kids as he is now so you should not be in dire straits.

The additional info re his infidelities certainly changes things.

What's his financial position? You need to take legal advice because you need to make some kind of claim from him for him to support the kids and possibly you until you get on your feet.

Dont leave the home until that is sorted as the phrase "possession is 9/10th of the law" is a good one.

He is the one that should move out...... leaving the kids in the family home.

Do you know if he will contest custody of the kids?

If you have not sought legal advice do so now before you say much more to him. You need to know where you stand and what claims you can make on him.
TBH making him move out is probably a better deal for the kids and less disruptive, at least until the home can be sold to finance a place for you and the kids and a separate place for him.

You need that advice before he does something silly like hiding his assets or revenues. (I've seen an ex wife - admittedly a few Years ago - left with barely anything when her OH did that - lawyers have been known to suggest the earner spend everything rather than handover savings to the mother of their children)

Per other comments on here - Marriage does offer protection as divorce forces discussions to be had re custody and finances. Whereas there is not a ready route for sorting out the same issues when an unmarried couple split up.

We’ll have 50/50 custody of the children.
I wouldn’t dream of making him move out of this place. It’s 100% his. I want no part of it. I might pay a visit to the CAB at some point though, as I don’t want to be too nicey-nicey if he’s going to end up taking the piss.
I’m pretty sure he will provide for the kids financially, so I’m happy with that

I wouldn’t be “sure” of anything OP. This is a man who aimed to cheat on you when you were grieving a parent. I hope he’ll be reasonable but make no assumptions. I certainly would not mention the man, however innocent it is currently.

OP don't be naive. The statistics are that the majority of fathers lose contact with their kids within 5 years. Why would he continue paying unless forced to? (Yes I know there are good men but my experience of other people splitting up is that it is not pleasant
So always think of the worst that could happen)

You would do well to sit tight in that house until financial provision is agreed - its his major asset and your kids need it.

Think of the house as part owned by the bank and part owned by him. He owns it on behalf of his children.

You owe it to them to stay in their house until their financial security is sorted.

Ignore yourself and only think of what's theirs. The profit in that house is partly theirs.

If you have 50/50 custody he doesn’t have to give you a penny towards the kids. He just needs to provide for them when they’re with him.

Although if you do have 50/50 you’ll be in a much better position to pick up work, evenings/weekends when the children are at his etc.

So, I should stay put for the sake of the children? I’ve done this for a long time already

I thought PP was saying get a share of the house for your kids, not stay for your kids. Though as I understand UK law from mn, that would require getting married or joint names on title.

I wouldn't stay for the kids if you're done, but I think you need ducks in a row first. Would he agree to postpone the Wedding? That would give you space to work out the practical stuff like where will you stay and how will you get enough to live off?

If it was me Id see what you're entitled to if you separate and move out, is that enough for rent and bills etc. Just for short term till DC all at school and you can look for more work. Also need to save first rental payment and bond. And if benefits aren't enough I'd be finding a full time job first, which either means finding child care or waiting till September.

How can you expect good sex if you fake orgasms?

His pride used to get dented if I didn’t come. Was just easier to fake it

Well, good. It's no good pretending and having bad sex with someone to save their ego, you just end up resenting them and not wanting to do it. How can they possibly learn to please you if they think they're doing it brilliantly already? And if they're an arse about it, then they're probably an arse generally.

It’s not bad, just rushed! He can’t last that long and I can tell he’s uncomfortable trying not to come, so I just say I have. Luckily(?) I'm a good actress!
Anyway, I’m sat at home, awkward silence, both avoiding the issue. I don’t want to be here. Feel really agitated

If you can stay put until you can sort out housing, benefits etc it's far better, you can start the benefits process without moving, you just need separate finances

It is bad if he's a two-pump chump that doesn't bother with foreplay or trying to get you off some other way beforehand. By faking it you've helped continue the problem instead of addressing it, which means you don't enjoy sex, you feel disconnected from him and you're more susceptible to becoming interested in other men.

Category you’re not wrong there!

Start another thread. Say you're unhappy in your marriage but feel you should stay in it, for the sake of your children. Don't mention fancying anyone else.

Then follow the advice given.

I feel extremely disconnected. I’ve spent the past god-knows-how-many nights just hiding in the bedroom in the evenings. The atmosphere is so claustrophobic when we’re sat together

I have been exactly where you are but without kids involved.

10 years together with ex.
Broke up with him 2 months before the big day.

We grew so different in that time. We both had indiscretions. We were never right for each either really.

He never supported me with the things that mattered the most to me - family and my music. He actively encouraged me out of my music because, and I quote "I didnt want you to leave me so I didnt want you to do well".

I ended up seeing a man in those final 2 months and it made me realise, I'd fallen completely and utterly out of love with ex. I didn't even end up going with that other bloke after I broke up with ex. It was almost like I needed something to snap me out of it and that man was it.

Now you know, you must leave. You will be happier but there will inevitably be some hurt here. How old are your kids? They will hurt no matter what age they are but they deserve to see their parents happy too, not suffering in a relationship trying to force things to work.

It won't be an easy ride but you will be happier and free. That is the overwhelming sense I felt. Freedom.

You will need to ring or email your wedding vendors and cancel. Perhaps after you've told your family, you could ask them to inform other guests too? See what deposits (if any) you can get back.
Some people will be angry or have questions. Most will be completely understanding - my DGD even told me he thought it was for the best when I told him

Thanks plink. That all sounds very familiar.
Children are 3 and 7.

Don't move out without sorting out finances. Call off the wedding. Tell him it is over but don't be rash.

I've lived with a 3yo on my own with no money. It's absolutely devastating at the end of a month when you have no cash. No overdraft left. Credit cards are maxed out and there is barely any food in the house. Pasta & oil is not going to cut it 3 meals a day for a week.
What will you put in 7yo lunchbox?

I'd urge financial caution and that might mean sharing a house until it can be sold for the benefit of the kids.