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MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

(856 Posts)
Reynolds1212 Wed 15-May-19 18:46:42

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

aweedropofsancerre Thu 13-Jun-19 07:27:31

Aristotle19 perhaps read the thread!

Aristotle19 Wed 12-Jun-19 23:09:10

Ok OP,

This is called Financial manipulative Dominance.

There is only a few reasons not be open about money;
1. Lack of trust
2. Lying
3. Not committed

You do have solutions however. Here what I would recommend.
1. Test his reasoning- ask him show you savings account, start booking houses to go and view, starts booking in free meetings with mortgage advisors
2. Establish a fair playing field. If he’s living with you everything is 50/50 if not he can’t live with you.
3. Regain control- if he’s serious about being with ask for a joint account - a bill account you are both paid into, if he doesn’t trust you he will never agree to it

poglets Wed 12-Jun-19 21:16:26

If you are up to it OP, now is the time to distract yourself - maybe set aside some time to think about it each day, write down how you feel and then try to put it aside for the rest of the day. Just one day at a time.

You should be proud of yourself. I really admire and respect what you are doing. Keep doing nice things, even if they are small, do them regularly. You are going to get through this.

mcmooberry Wed 12-Jun-19 19:03:09

Oh my goodness I can't believe I missed your updates, I am on here every day practically and have been wondering how you were getting on! I thought he was a tight, freeloading bastard but he is much, much worse than that. So sorry you are feeling so low, I know having no adult company is very lonely but this is only a temporary situation not the rest of your life. Hope you can use the time off work to recover a bit and go back more motivated, it's hard holding it together at work when you are miserable but work is at least something else to think about and hopefully there is a social aspect to it as well. Keep posting here, we all care!! xx

itsalwaysunny Wed 12-Jun-19 18:47:43

Read this whole post just now and I'm absolutely heartbroken for you OP but you need to stay strong, what you have done is incredibly brave and will show your boys just how strong and incredible of a mother and woman you are. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, it's hard right now and it will be but bit by bit it will get easier and you will learn to be happy and the feeling of no longer being trapped in this relationship will be all the motivation you need. Look forward to your holiday now with your boys, it's more than you deserve ❤️thanks

SAHMlikeitHOT Wed 12-Jun-19 08:49:07

Just wanted to send support. I think it's lonelier in a crap relationship than out of one, once you have got used to it. Your future is a happier place without him. Best wishes, and well done for all those hours and minutes and seconds that you have spent carving out a better life for yourself. You can do it x

Nutellalovesme Wed 12-Jun-19 00:21:24

@Reynolds1212 I have just read this whole thread and I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you.
That 'man' is a absolute scumbag.
I hope you are feeling better and treating yourself kindly. I know it's hard right now and early days but you and your children will come through on the other side.
The better and happier side.
It will take time but you will heal. flowers

Grainedmonkey Mon 10-Jun-19 22:43:05

Hi OP , glad to hear you're going to GP.
They may be able to offer some counselling sessions with a professional to help you overcome your feelings of blaming yourself when it is so not your fault.
In the meantime, and for as long as you need us, we are here for you. As poster said earlier it can be just for a random chat, don't feel you have to post only about him.

Wauden Mon 10-Jun-19 22:22:07

It's NOT your fault, Reynolds, it is his fault totally, as people like him are very sneaky and manipulative and mess with other people's minds.
You are stronger than you think. And now that you have more time, when you have more time and feel more settled, you can gradually get out more and make new friends.
You will know more about avoiding manipulative people generally.
flowers

2eternities Mon 10-Jun-19 21:59:04

Sorry hadn't read the full thread at time of posting. My point was this man is useless but I think OP figured that out already.

Mitzicoco Mon 10-Jun-19 17:35:48

2eternities
Is that a helpful comment? And what about ' Sack him off no use having a man with money if he won't put his hands in his pockets'
Would that be ok if it were a man speaking about a woman?!

2eternities Mon 10-Jun-19 17:08:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reynolds1212 Mon 10-Jun-19 17:00:36

Hi guys Thankyou for that I appreciate the comments I just feel a little lost right now. It was very hard in the relationship but it's hard out of it aswell if that makes sense.
I'm trying to just live one day at a time and not think for the future for a while as it's daunting and scary.
I look so tired and drained and got myself a eye Infection aswell I think from all the crying so I look like shit.
Hoping things get better for me soon

longtimelurkerhelen Sun 09-Jun-19 16:35:48

This is in no way shape or form it's your fault. How could you know he would be like that?

Abuser don't start out being nasty, otherwise they would never have any relationships. They usually wait until they think you are vulnerable and then start with the abuse.

Shinesweetfreedom Sun 09-Jun-19 13:31:48

Reynolds
You are not on your own.We are all behind you.
Take all the help you can get from the authorities.
Your lovely boys sound smashing.

Nooob Sun 09-Jun-19 11:52:51

It's not your fault at all op. Anyone can be manipulated and he sounds as though he was the master. You're so brave and strong for getting rid of him.

Reynolds1212 Sun 09-Jun-19 11:35:06

They seem ok my oldest son told me I deserve better their all lovely boys very caring of me. We're in the park at the moment got out for a bit I cried a bit this morning but I've let it out now. I'm going to see the doctor get some help for my depression. I blame myself for letting this happen to me to be honest it's my fault I let it happen.

OhamIreally Sun 09-Jun-19 08:11:56

Well done Reynolds you put that paltry £40 to good use on the dresses!

Glad you're eating a bit more - the pasta in pots is a good idea.

Have your boys said anything about how life is now? Are they happier?

longtimelurkerhelen Sat 08-Jun-19 16:18:30

I do love a nice dress (and a bargain) grin

Yep it makes sense, something quick and easy is great if you are not really wanting to eat, you can get it down before you have a chance to change your mind.

It is amazing how quickly your feelings for someone change, once you see them for who they really are. At least he can't keep driving past your home now (if he does 999 and report) that should hopefully give you some peace of mind.

Is your new phone nice?

Reynolds1212 Sat 08-Jun-19 16:07:54

I got some really nice dresses last week they were in the sale at New look.
I have been eating again a bit more I tend to be ok and eat more in the day but not eating a main meal at night times but I cooked some pasta and put it in tubs in the fridge to heat up as I find that easier to eat like not so much effort if that makes sense.
I've been shopping anyway I wear glasses sometimes so I put my my glasses on and I think that helped to hide it no one looked at me so it was ok not to bad.
I really hate him I hate everything about him I can't believe I loved him I don't think I even did love him the last year especially because he was a cruel bastard at times.
It's a relief he's gone for me and the kids it's boring and lonely but it's better then living how I was doing.
Thankyou for all of your support it means so much to me

longtimelurkerhelen Sat 08-Jun-19 13:09:14

Also if you feel lonely, we are all here to chat with, doesn't have to be about your ex.

Have you got anymore clothes for your holiday yet?

longtimelurkerhelen Sat 08-Jun-19 13:07:10

It's great (and v brave) that you have informed your work of the problems, it's one less thing to worry about, well done. xxx

You could do an online shop if you don't want to go out today. Have you started eating regularly again? I know it's difficult when you really don't fancy eating, but you will feel better after. If you still can't face eating, please try a multivit tablet or spray everyday.

If the bruise is purple, that is good as it is the stage before the yellow/green and then it disappears. Would sunglasses cover it?

Hope you feel better soon, it sounds like you were doing great before he intruded and attacked you. xxxxx

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sat 08-Jun-19 10:51:25

Don't worry about the bruise (I hope you have photos of it though) the shame is HIS not yours. People don't generally notice, (especially on a busy shopping day) and I doubt anyone would comment anyway. Buy yourself small treats, like a mag, bubble bath, nail varnish - things just for you. Find some comedy on TV/ Netflix, and try to relax.

Stress depletes our B vitamins, so worth getting some. Try to eat well of course.

Reynolds1212 Sat 08-Jun-19 10:23:04

Hi guys sorry not replied as I've been using my sons phone but have a new phone now.
I am ok I had a very bad day yesterday. I feel depressed all the time and cry about silly things and having dark thoughts.
I feel a bit better today actually which is a nice surprise. I have rang my HR yesterday and told them about what has happened I'm signed off anyway but I will be paid in full for two weeks now which is a massive help. I feel lonely as I only have a couple of friends and my family don't live by me so I'm alone a lot with the kids just us it gets really lonely having no adult company around so I think that's not helping. I've not heard anything from him but he's not allowed to contact me or come by the house. Thanks for all taking the time to leave me a msg the bruise is still purple it's embarrassing I hate going out I've got to go food shopping today dreading it

greengrower Fri 07-Jun-19 23:45:59

What a cunt he is! I'm so sorry you have had this happen to you, what a shit he is. . Tell work the details and just why you have been "underperforming". Tell school, so they can get DC some support. And get on to the Freedom Programme ASAP. It's brilliant. flowers

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