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MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

(862 Posts)
Reynolds1212 Wed 15-May-19 18:46:42

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

Reynolds1212 Sat 08-Jun-19 16:07:54

I got some really nice dresses last week they were in the sale at New look.
I have been eating again a bit more I tend to be ok and eat more in the day but not eating a main meal at night times but I cooked some pasta and put it in tubs in the fridge to heat up as I find that easier to eat like not so much effort if that makes sense.
I've been shopping anyway I wear glasses sometimes so I put my my glasses on and I think that helped to hide it no one looked at me so it was ok not to bad.
I really hate him I hate everything about him I can't believe I loved him I don't think I even did love him the last year especially because he was a cruel bastard at times.
It's a relief he's gone for me and the kids it's boring and lonely but it's better then living how I was doing.
Thankyou for all of your support it means so much to me

longtimelurkerhelen Sat 08-Jun-19 13:09:14

Also if you feel lonely, we are all here to chat with, doesn't have to be about your ex.

Have you got anymore clothes for your holiday yet?

longtimelurkerhelen Sat 08-Jun-19 13:07:10

It's great (and v brave) that you have informed your work of the problems, it's one less thing to worry about, well done. xxx

You could do an online shop if you don't want to go out today. Have you started eating regularly again? I know it's difficult when you really don't fancy eating, but you will feel better after. If you still can't face eating, please try a multivit tablet or spray everyday.

If the bruise is purple, that is good as it is the stage before the yellow/green and then it disappears. Would sunglasses cover it?

Hope you feel better soon, it sounds like you were doing great before he intruded and attacked you. xxxxx

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sat 08-Jun-19 10:51:25

Don't worry about the bruise (I hope you have photos of it though) the shame is HIS not yours. People don't generally notice, (especially on a busy shopping day) and I doubt anyone would comment anyway. Buy yourself small treats, like a mag, bubble bath, nail varnish - things just for you. Find some comedy on TV/ Netflix, and try to relax.

Stress depletes our B vitamins, so worth getting some. Try to eat well of course.

Reynolds1212 Sat 08-Jun-19 10:23:04

Hi guys sorry not replied as I've been using my sons phone but have a new phone now.
I am ok I had a very bad day yesterday. I feel depressed all the time and cry about silly things and having dark thoughts.
I feel a bit better today actually which is a nice surprise. I have rang my HR yesterday and told them about what has happened I'm signed off anyway but I will be paid in full for two weeks now which is a massive help. I feel lonely as I only have a couple of friends and my family don't live by me so I'm alone a lot with the kids just us it gets really lonely having no adult company around so I think that's not helping. I've not heard anything from him but he's not allowed to contact me or come by the house. Thanks for all taking the time to leave me a msg the bruise is still purple it's embarrassing I hate going out I've got to go food shopping today dreading it

greengrower Fri 07-Jun-19 23:45:59

What a cunt he is! I'm so sorry you have had this happen to you, what a shit he is. . Tell work the details and just why you have been "underperforming". Tell school, so they can get DC some support. And get on to the Freedom Programme ASAP. It's brilliant. flowers

longtimelurkerhelen Fri 07-Jun-19 23:10:34

What a cowardly cunt. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Contact Women’s aid 0808 2000 247 helpline@womensaid.org.uk

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

They will help you get a non molestation order.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

They should also be able to give you practical advice on making you feel and be more secure in your home.

Don’t let him drive you and your family away.

Phone the police and get a police marker on your address, this means they can get you quickly.

flowers

BumbleBeee69 Fri 07-Jun-19 19:59:06

how are you OP ? are you doing okay flowers

Boxingmum Thu 06-Jun-19 14:36:57

Well you've most definitely done the right think havnt you, he's just confirming that you've made the right choice. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I use to date a man that took financial advantage, some men actually go looking for single mums with confidence issues .... you'll be more aware in future!!!
That chapter in your life is finished and a new & happier chapter ahead.
Get an injunction against him & maybe look at getting a new front door that locks when it closes.

When my ex was violent, victim support came round and installed an alarm inside the house which I turned on when I left & another that went off when the front door opened. ... made feel more secure at night & scared him off.

Lots of WiFi home security cameras on the market (doorbell ones also) that alert you of any motion, not too pricey & helped me feel secure in my home again.

Quartz2208 Thu 06-Jun-19 11:41:58

Yes get out a non mol order now to prevent him coming near

Him being charged and freed is normal and it may well not go to court if he pleads guilty

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Jun-19 10:58:12

Wow - what an utter cunt he is.
I'm so sorry he assaulted you OP.
I really hope he is punished for it.
How dare he smash up your phone and punch you.
This just goes to show you made exactly the right decision.
See what Womens Aid say. If he's been charged you may be able to get some protection order in place.
You sound so strong. Keep going.

ChimesAtMidnight Thu 06-Jun-19 10:43:00

Reynolds1212 - minniemoll is right - it's a split spindle lock you need. I have one; the door can't be opened from outside even when unlocked.
If you're anywhere near north London there is a very good womens' charity who may help.

minniemoll Thu 06-Jun-19 09:48:33

You can get locks for UPVC doors which lock as soon as you close them, I think they're called split spindle. They don't lock all the locking points, but the latch won't open from the outside, just the inside.

Redred2429 Thu 06-Jun-19 09:41:04

Stay strong op you are doing so well and doing the right thing for you and your boys

Grainedmonkey Thu 06-Jun-19 07:24:45

Hi OP, I've just caught up with what's happened and I am so sorry.
I'm concerned your work are not being sympathetic enough, you deserve support from them not a warning. How did you get on with HR?
If the kids are struggling I'd let school know (you don't need to tell them all the personal details) just say that there are some problems at home , school will keep an eye on how they are coping.
Stay strong and keep the doors locked.

squiglet111 Thu 06-Jun-19 07:15:10

I am so sorry flowers

Did he do this Infront of your kids? Maybe social services should be informed as he could be a danger to his own kids. The prick needs to feel the consequence. Inform his ex as well. She needs to know what a dangerous man he is too.

Maybe go back to the police and tell them you feel scared and see if they can help?

How did he get in to the house? Had the locks been changed?

I hope things get better soon

madmumofteens Thu 06-Jun-19 06:46:11

So sorry to hear your update OP what a horrible excuse for a man!! There's lots of great advice here take good care of yourself 💐

RantyAnty Thu 06-Jun-19 05:36:40

I'm sorry about you being assaulted by that pos. flowers

Just barging in your house like that. I'm glad he was arrested and charged.

Also glad you are speaking to your work about what is going on.

Please seek out the resources as others have suggested. You'll get the no molestation order and he'll be arrested if he bothers you again.

You're doing great and your DC are doing better too without him. hugs

EKGEMS Thu 06-Jun-19 01:41:16

I hope and pray he suffers ten times how much you have,*Reynolds*! I think he may be onto your thread if he's blaming your phone,perhaps? You're so brave! Do tell your HR department so they can assist you-you've nothing to be ashamed love!

Atalune Wed 05-Jun-19 23:02:03

I just read your whole thread.

Have you had the locks changed? Do that tomorrow.

You poor poor woman, he’s a dreadful awful man.

Call Women’s Aid. And if you want to talk call The Samaritans this eve.

Willows991 Wed 05-Jun-19 22:56:04

@Reynolds, you have done the right thing. It's not fair for your children to see you suffering like you were suffering. Find out about the injunction, he will have to find alternatives routes and not drive past your house.

He used you so much that he is now missing it, he is not missing you, just what you were doing for him. Do not allow him to win, you stay in your home.

crinklebook Wed 05-Jun-19 22:52:25

@Reynolds1212 if you call NCDV they will help you with I junction. They will take a statement, send you the documents and you just send them on. It's worth doing.

Women's aid amazing too!

Reynolds1212 Wed 05-Jun-19 22:45:36

Ok I feel slightly better I can do that I have some control as he was still driving past now and again before this.
I had some options other then leaving my kids love the house they would hate to be uprooted it's not fair on them.
They love me so much I know I've done the right thing for them even though this has happened I've done the right thing for us

Willows991 Wed 05-Jun-19 22:43:08

It depends, it's worth finding out. It should not be a lot. It's your best option. Do not allow anyone to drive you and your children out of your home.

Also, he is released on conditions that he is not to come near you. Don't worry about him coming to your house again. Find out about the injunction and do it.

AnotherExWife Wed 05-Jun-19 22:41:50

Women's Aid or your local domestic violence charity can offer advice and help you to get a non molestation order from court. I had to get one to stop my ex husband returning to the house or approaching me or my children.

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