I’m a 37 year old man. I met my current girlfriend just over a year ago. As soon as I met her I knew she was ‘The One’. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with women over the years and never thought I’d meet anyone like my girlfriend. I introduced her to my family who all liked her but within a week or so of introducing her she had an awful riding accident which left her in a coma and the doctors didn’t think she’d pull through. Anyway, long story short, she eventually woke from the coma and was released from hospital 6 months after her accident. She has problems with her memory and can get very paranoid, but her main issues are physical. She’s very unsteady on her feet and falls over a lot (once on top of a child). She needs help showering, going to the toilet, getting dressed, can’t cook or carry a drink. She basically needs support with most tasks and someone with her all the time.
From conversations I’d had with her whilst she was in hospital she’d made it clear that she wanted to move in with me rather than go back to her parents house (where she’d been living prior to her accident) once she was released from hospital. I wasn’t sure about this but didn’t want to be the bad guy when she was still so fragile so agreed to let her move in with me and started trying to find ways to make this work. We spoke about who would help her during the day when I was at work and she rejected the idea of her parents helping her as she finds them annoying. She had a group of friends who were keen to help but it still left a number of days when there was no one around. So I suggested that my SIL could do it as she only worked part time in teaching and was at home the rest of the week looking after my nephew (aged 3).
My girlfriend and my SIL had only met twice before the accident but I was sure they’d get on well with each other so it seemed like the perfect solution. I spoke to my brother about his wife (my SIL) helping to care for my girlfriend. He said they would help out where they could but was a bit non-committal about my SIL helping on a regular basis. He said he’d mention it to her.
Anyway, time moved on and I didn’t hear from my SIL about this at all. My girlfriend had a vague release date from hospital and I started getting worried about who was going to look after her for the remaining days. I was going to speak to my brother again asking for my SIL to commit to certain days and times each week but he told me that my SIL had been admitted into hospital for a number of days (wouldn’t tell me why) and whilst in hospital they’d also found out she was pregnant. Obviously this wasn’t the time to discuss my girlfriend’s care so I left it.
Anyway, SIL came out of hospital and still didn’t bring up caring for my girlfriend (and I didn't mention it) and time has continued to move on. She has been round to see my girlfriend a few times and invited her round to hers on the odd occasion as well as taken her out a couple of times but that’s it.
It’s now 6 months since my girlfriend came out of hospital and it has been so hard. I’m exhausted. My girlfriend is making progress and improving but not as quickly as I’d hoped and I’m still having to do a lot for her when I’m with her. Every week I’m trying to find people to care for her whilst I’m at work so she isn’t on her own and I’m getting more and more angry at certain people for not doing more for my girlfriend. Her parents were very keen to help at the start and were constantly offering support but that has dwindled now due to my girlfriend not wanting to accept their help. Her friends seem reluctant to rearrange their working weeks to come and sit with her and I’m scratching around trying to get people to commit to a routine each week that they stick to. I’m also so angry at my SIL for not doing more. She’s part time and spends the rest of her week at home with her child. She literally has nothing but time on her hands yet still is only offering sporadic support. I’m so angry that I can’t even look at her or speak to her. She’s currently on maternity leave waiting for the baby to arrive and still not offering to help out on a regular basis. I’m so angry that I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same again.
Anyway, am I being unfair to my SIL to expect her to look after my girlfriend on the days that she isn't working. I don’t think it’s a big ask because it’s not like she’s working but someone I mentioned this situation to thinks I’m being very unfair. I don’t think I am. What can I say to her to make her realise how selfish she's being. I don’t want to ask people in real life so thought I’d try here.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Selfish SIL
Nohelp5 · 11/08/2018 16:02
This reply has been deleted
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
You want a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler to provide full
time care two days a week? And you don’t think you are being unreasonable??
Your options are these:
Speak to the council about care
Pay for professional care
Tell your girlfriend to swallow her pride and ask her parents.
Your attitude to your SIL is shameful. I hope you haven’t expressed these thoughts to her in real life.
If so you need to apologise. A lot.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.