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Have we thrown nine years away?

(84 Posts)
TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 13:15:40

Not sure where else to turn and could do with some much needed advice...

My partner and I have been together for 9 years (not married, no children, currently renting an apartment). His passion is running. I can't run for toffee, but he loves it. In November/December he met someone at a running event he volunteered at. She is married and had children, he soon became friends with the family but I noticed a big change in his behaviour - he started running more often in the week (3/4 days) and I felt like something wasn't right.

In February he was doing some work on our shared laptop and when he was finished he gave it to me, he left his Facebook open and I did have a look because I was intrigued. There were hundreds of messages from this women - they weren't sexual or romantic, however she would always send a 'Hi' at 5:50am which is when we both set our alarms for work. I confronted him about the amount of messages and the fact they were booking on to a lot of races together. I asked him to show me his phone and there were a large number of calls from her in his call log, they had snap chatted, she sent him messages on his personal and work email, I could go on. Naturally I was devastated - why did they need so much contact?

Anyway, I'll try to cut a long story short - I told her I knew about the messages and told her to leave my partner alone, she agreed but completely ignored me by sending emails instead because she thought I wouldn't be able to see them. I told him he couldn't see her. They are still carrying on - they are even doing the VLM together today! He tells me white lies, is as though he tries to defend her. In a recent argument I asked about sex/sexting/holding hands/kissing, etc and he said no. He did say that he was unhappy because I wasn't spending time with him and I wasn't supporting him and his running, and he said she was always there and put more effort in to him than I did.

I've had so many arguments with my partner that I'm now sleeping in the spare room. I can't sleep or eat anymore. My family live 3 hours away so it's not like I can see them. I feel depressed because I felt like 9 years is a long time to throw away. One minute he's telling me he's unhappy and he's enjoying a friendship with another woman, the next minute he tells me he loves me and never wants to split up.

Any advice would be great.

Cricrichan Sun 22-Apr-18 13:25:39

It sounds like a friendship with a common hobby?

Walkaboutwendy Sun 22-Apr-18 13:25:43

I'd say okay so why don't you and your husband come round and we can talk about all this.

Bet she runs for the hills not the marathon then!

Storm4star Sun 22-Apr-18 13:28:36

I can see why you wouldn’t want to “throw away” 9 years but I saw something written elsewhere here which was along the lines of any friendships shouldn’t be hidden, if they are then it’s an emotional affair. So, at the very least, he is having an EA with this woman. I think these can be just as damaging as physical affairs and it looks like neither of them has the intention to end it.

I actually dated a runner years ago for about a year and in the end we broke up as I got sick of running always coming first! Training most nights, various runs at the weekend when I would have liked us to do something as a couple etc. Hobbies can become obsessions, even without the complication of another party involved. Maybe you have also grown apart to an extent?

WomanWithAltitude Sun 22-Apr-18 13:32:11

It's an EA, if not a proper affair. You don't text your 'friends' every morning to say hi, do you?

This man is taking the piss, and so is she. I think you'd be better off leaving them to it.

Like a pp said, I bet if you propose to talk to her husband about it she won't be so keen.

octonaught Sun 22-Apr-18 13:35:31

How old are you OP? Is no children a choice you have made. I only ask because if the old biological clock is not an issue, then there are so many options open to you...

WomanWithAltitude Sun 22-Apr-18 13:36:22

he was unhappy because I wasn't spending time with him and I wasn't supporting him and his running

And this is bullshit. Normal adults are happy to do a hobby without their partner acting as a cheerleader. You give him time and space to go running when he chooses - isn't that enough? What exactly does he want? You to spend every weekend standing by a finish line, showering him in adulation because he's such a Big Manly Runner?

Fuck that.

I have hobbies and my DH has hobbies. Some of them we share, but neither of us expects the other to provide any support beyond allowing time and space where necessary.

This guy is just making a feeble excuse for cheating on you - making it look like you're to blame. It falls into the same category as 'but you don't wear make up any more' or 'you won't have sex often enough'.

octonaught Sun 22-Apr-18 13:37:16

Also he is showing a complete lack of respect for you by having an emotional affair. There is no doubt that is what it is. He has not tried to scale it back, but is accusing you of not supporting his running. Wtf?

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 13:38:31

Her husband knows apparently because he found out around about same time I did - the problem is, he's given up and he's just letting them do it. Which shows that they aren't happy in their marriage.
I would feel okay if we weren't living together. We're tied into a contract so we can't leave for a few months.

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 13:39:10

octonaught he's 31, I'm 28

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 22-Apr-18 13:46:07

Who told you the husband knows and is ok with 'letting them do it'.? Your bf?

Call his bluff. Say that perhaps talking to her husband might reassure you that it's all above board. See how he reacts.

And yes, 9 years is a long time, but do you want to add another 5, 10, 15 to that and then realise he didn't change? Now that would be a waste of your years! Never throw good money after bad!

WomanWithAltitude Sun 22-Apr-18 13:46:40

he said she was always there and put more effort in to him than I did

This is even more rage inducing. Some she do his laundry, cook, clean his house etc? I bet you do.

He is telling you that he sees flattery and ego boosting as more important than a genuine partnership. He doesn't want an equal partner - he wants a cheerleader to boost his ego. Your contribution to his life is dismissed as unimportant simply because you have your own life and don't share his hobby.

Please ditch this guy. You're still young, and the alternative is spending the rest of your life like this. Do you want to still be here in another 9 years?

WomanWithAltitude Sun 22-Apr-18 13:47:16

^ does she do his...

Walkaboutwendy Sun 22-Apr-18 13:47:18

Have you spoken to the husband or is that what you've been told hmm

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 22-Apr-18 13:47:40

he was unhappy because I wasn't spending time with him and I wasn't supporting him and his running
This is nonsense unless you are trying to stop him going. My DH cycles but I don’t trot along to hold his water bottle even when the DCs are busy elsewhere- I do my stuff while he does his.

Walkaboutwendy Sun 22-Apr-18 13:49:05

I agree. Mention casually that you're going to contact the husband so you can be running widows together. Watch him go white at that suggestion

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 13:54:18

I've never stopped him going, as I see it as his time to do something he enjoys. I noticed the change when he was doing it more and suddenly going on a race almost every weekend. And because I don't have any family down here and most of my friends have babies, I'm usually stuck in the house on my own.. like I am now.

I told her husband after she sent my partner about 10 messages in a row after I told her to leave him alone and cut the contact. His automatic reply was - I knew something was going on.

user1493413286 Sun 22-Apr-18 13:56:27

I’m sorry to say this but I think you need to walk away. It is an emotional affair and you asked him to stop contact with her and he has continued. It’s very hurtful and disrespectful that he knows how much it upsets you and he continues; really putting her before you.
If he was willing to stop contact and look at the issues around your relationship I’d advise to try but even if he says it now he’s shown he won’t keep to it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 22-Apr-18 14:03:54

* He did say that he was unhappy because I wasn't spending time with him and I wasn't supporting him and his running, and he said she was always there and put more effort in to him than I did.* That effort she's putting into him is effort she's not putting into her family. Is he really selfish enough that he's happy to take priority over her children? How does he see this working out?

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 14:04:00

Thank you, I've read enough to know that maybe this is just something I can't resolve.. sad thanks for all the advice

HollowTalk Sun 22-Apr-18 14:05:10

I agree, you ought to walk away.

You're 28 and not married. He's having an intense relationship of whatever kind with another woman. He's disrespecting you and trying to make you think that it's normal behaviour.

You're at a fantastic age. Get out now and live the life you want to live, not one where you're having to read your boyfriend's messages (not that I blame you for that) and secondguess his relationship with another woman.

There's a massive world out there with a lot of single men in it. Run away from this man now.

yetmorecrap Sun 22-Apr-18 14:06:08

Ive experienced this twice now with rather'overcommunicative' other women . Once he had a 'crush/emotional affair, and I was unaware of the extent for many years, the other time was a colleague who worked for us just being well OTT. There wasn't anything in it, they just had shared interests but like you I saw the 9am messages and it's just not ok. These partners need to learn that it's upsetting even if there is nothing in it , and stop hiding it or never mentioning it. That was the problem with me, this excessive communication on her part was being hidden, partly I think because he felt embarrassed, partly because I think he liked the buzz!! Just say it's upsetting and making you unhappy

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 14:06:33

SchnitzelVonKrumm she makes every effort to run and spend time with my partner over her three young children. When it was snowing they went sledging with their dad, she went for a run with him.
I assume he wanted the emotional aspect, because he was blaming me that I wasn't giving him any emotional support.

seventh Sun 22-Apr-18 14:09:42

@TeachingAndTea

You've been with this man since you were 19?

Jeez. You need to have fun. You're so young. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Stop tying yourself to Boring Boris and his Simpering Sidekick.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE

Sorry to shout but ffs. Love, live, laugh, find someone who makes you sparkle and crackle and smile.

Have fun.

PLEASE

TeachingAndTea Sun 22-Apr-18 14:14:34

seventh that's okay! This is what I needed

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