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Original poster

Have we thrown nine years away?

83 replies

TeachingAndTea · 22/04/2018 13:15

Not sure where else to turn and could do with some much needed advice...

My partner and I have been together for 9 years (not married, no children, currently renting an apartment). His passion is running. I can't run for toffee, but he loves it. In November/December he met someone at a running event he volunteered at. She is married and had children, he soon became friends with the family but I noticed a big change in his behaviour - he started running more often in the week (3/4 days) and I felt like something wasn't right.

In February he was doing some work on our shared laptop and when he was finished he gave it to me, he left his Facebook open and I did have a look because I was intrigued. There were hundreds of messages from this women - they weren't sexual or romantic, however she would always send a 'Hi' at 5:50am which is when we both set our alarms for work. I confronted him about the amount of messages and the fact they were booking on to a lot of races together. I asked him to show me his phone and there were a large number of calls from her in his call log, they had snap chatted, she sent him messages on his personal and work email, I could go on. Naturally I was devastated - why did they need so much contact?

Anyway, I'll try to cut a long story short - I told her I knew about the messages and told her to leave my partner alone, she agreed but completely ignored me by sending emails instead because she thought I wouldn't be able to see them. I told him he couldn't see her. They are still carrying on - they are even doing the VLM together today! He tells me white lies, is as though he tries to defend her. In a recent argument I asked about sex/sexting/holding hands/kissing, etc and he said no. He did say that he was unhappy because I wasn't spending time with him and I wasn't supporting him and his running, and he said she was always there and put more effort in to him than I did.

I've had so many arguments with my partner that I'm now sleeping in the spare room. I can't sleep or eat anymore. My family live 3 hours away so it's not like I can see them. I feel depressed because I felt like 9 years is a long time to throw away. One minute he's telling me he's unhappy and he's enjoying a friendship with another woman, the next minute he tells me he loves me and never wants to split up.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/04/2018 14:23

It isn’t a waste to end a relationship that isn’t working. Presumably you have had good times over those nine years, but your partner has very clearly moved on.

It would be a waste to continue with a relationship which is over because you feel as though you’ve invested everything into it- if you have no children then you can cut ties and move on.

It sounds as though they may just be hiding time until she leaves her husband . You have the opportunity to take control, you don’t have to just wait for him to decide what he wants.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 14:45

Just because a relationship doesn't last forever, it doesn't mean that it wasn't worth having. For a while it was; now it's not, so it's time to move on.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2018 14:51

He's having an emotional affair and blames you for it

The "waste" here would be you throwing more time at something that is dead as a dodo. This situation is a pit of sunk costs, walk away while you are still plenty young enough to start over with someone who hasn't got one foot out the door.

Original poster
TeachingAndTea · 22/04/2018 14:56

I'm going to the letting agents this week to see if I can leave.. like I said, I would feel so much better if I had somewhere else to go, but because we are still cohabiting I'm finding it extremely difficult. I had half an hour sleep last night and I can't bring myself to eat anything. I agree with what's being said.

OP posts:
minimalpatience · 22/04/2018 15:01

You've obviously had some good times to have been together for so long. However, that isn't a reason to stay if you're not happy.

You're not throwing away nine years. He is. His behaviour isn't acceptable re messaging etc and he has continued despite you communicating it needs to stop and you're not happy about it. He doesn't respect you and has continued. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it and doesn't seem that interested in trying to get your relationship back on track.

You're still young. Don't waste time on someone that really isn't worth it and does not respect / cheating you.

MrsMotherHen · 22/04/2018 15:02

can you go stay at a hotel or maybe look at air bnb. I would leave you deserve better than this.

minimalpatience · 22/04/2018 15:02

*cherish not cheating!!

yetmorecrap · 22/04/2018 15:03

Seriously OP, leave the ruminating to us over 50s whose options and tie ins are somewhat different. The world is your oyster, this guy should be mortified at the fact you think there is something going on, and doing everything to cool it somewhat, not partly blaming you!!

RaindropsAndSparkles · 22/04/2018 15:04

No you haven't thrown 9 years away. You've lived, loved and grown. But I agree with seventh go forth and live life for you and be happy. To stay would be throwing your future away for the sake of holding onto the past.

Let them be earnest, sweaty and skinny together. They can rub each others torn tendons and bathe their bleeding toes.

You meanwhile can have a blast doing stuff you like with people who know what fun is.

Good luck, good love, good life. Go well OP.

Original poster
TeachingAndTea · 22/04/2018 15:07

I'll look into the air bnb idea, thanks. I could suggest him to do it, but i know his excuse will be all the bills etc are in his name. Not that that would matter because I'd still have to pay my half even if I was in a hotel/air bnb

OP posts:
seventh · 22/04/2018 15:12

The phrase 'throwing good money after bad' springs to mind here.

It was good, you've had fun, it's no longer fun, he's moved on..... and now it's your turn to move on.

No guilt, no angst, no stress.

Life is about endings and beginnings.

Go start your sparkle time 💕

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 15:20

Ummm no, if you were in an AirBnB, you would NOT have to pay half his bills! You'd be in the AirBnB because of his behaviour - time to get angry rather than get your purse out.

frasier · 22/04/2018 15:22

It hasn't been a waste. You have learned a lot. I think each relationship we have teaches us something (good or bad) and we grow each time. You will be a different person now than 9 years ago. And you will know from now on more about what you want from life and friendships.

Jon66 · 22/04/2018 15:24

You've asked him not to and he still does? That is your answer.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/04/2018 15:27

They are clearly having an affair whether it's sexual yet or not. Leave him, and his bills, and his boring, boring hobby (runners are just so DULL) and have some fun. BTW she needs the husband to facilitate the affair so I doubt she'll leave him. Though it'd be interesting to see how many miles they get in once she's got sole charge of three devastated children 60 percent of the time.

JennyHolzersGhost · 22/04/2018 15:33

Sunk costs fallacy, OP. Move on. Whatever is going on in his head, he’s got you doubting his affections and it’s very hard to come back from that. You’re young enough to find the right guy and have kids (if you want them!). Don’t waste any more of your precious time waiting for this man to come to his senses.

whattheactualflump · 22/04/2018 15:34

I totally agree with the majority of the replies - you are still young, it does sound like he has overstepped the mark etc. Plus how fucking tedious does he sound, I can't bear a lycra clad self obsessed/hobby obsessed man & all those types in my experience tend to be terrible fathers because they are so self-involved, so probably for the best you get out now. She sounds pathetic and he obviously likes having his ego stroked.

But - for future reference I really don't think one person can tell another person that they 'can't' see someone else. Just like you shouldn't tell someone what to wear or what to eat. I can understand your frustration - but being told what to do tends to have the opposite effect on most people IMO. Good luck though OP, I'd love to be your age and have the opportunity to get out there and start again!

JennyHolzersGhost · 22/04/2018 15:35

And, as Frasier says, it hasn’t been a waste. What WOULD be a waste would be to wait any longer. You’ve learned everything there is to learn from this relationship. You’ll come out of it stronger. Flowers

seventh · 22/04/2018 15:37

Oh YES @whattheactualflump -- I agree Smile

Me too

28 yoa with a sparkling crackling life ahead without Boring Boris

Bliss ThanksThanksThanksWine

JennyHolzersGhost · 22/04/2018 15:40

By the way, re accommodation, if you think you’d like to spend more time back home with your family for support then perhaps you could find a weeknight rental in someone's spare room near work for 3-4 nights a week and go home at weekends ? Depending on your job you might be able to negotiate working out of the office on a Monday or Friday to facilitate that too ? Worth considering.

Bosabosa · 22/04/2018 15:44

I had an almost as long relationship break up when I was 28- had a great two years of fun and travel, then met hubby.
Was devastated at the time. Now so happy!
Go enjoy the world !

Penfold007 · 22/04/2018 15:49

If the lease, utility bills etc are in his name then they are his problem. Its EA at best but realistically it is probably more. Get out and claim back your life.

tierraJ · 22/04/2018 15:56

Thank god you don't have children / a mortgage with this man.

As you're renting you can seriously just walk away.

What a disrespectful pig he is. He wants to have his cake and eat it!!

It's not a waste of 9 years but it will be a waste if you let this carry on.

crimsonlake · 22/04/2018 15:59

This is an EA and I suspect he would not tolerate this if the boot was on the other foot. He is not being honest with you and it is now continuing under your nose. A difficult decision ahead, however you could be saying the same thing 5 years from now and that is another 5 years wasted.

iheartmichellemallon · 22/04/2018 16:01

Agree with all the others - you're so young, leave him & enjoy your life. You'll find someone who deserves you & doesn't treat badly.

Is anything actually in your name? If not, then pack your bags & walk away. You're under no obligation to financially support him / pay half the bills if you're not living there.

Staying with him would be a sad & sorry waste of your life.

Good luck Thanks