Mid-life crisis?

[PippyRose]

I wrote on here a while back moaning about the fact that my partner of 20 years was spending hours (and I mean hours!) a day on his computer and that we never spent any quality time together. I was feeling low and, if I'm honest, a bit lonely. I was going to bed alone most nights while he sat at his PC and just felt that we were drifting apart. I wanted us to reconnect and start enjoying each other's company again like we used to.

Well, after some good advice on here, we had a long chat and he stopped spending so much time sat in front of his screen and that's when things became even more difficult. We couldn't find anything at all to do that we would both enjoy. I tried suggesting things that might interest him (games, going out to play pool occasionally like we used to, weekends away etc). He wasn't interested in doing any of them.

I am a sociable person who loves going out, holidays etc. I have always taken our sons (now 15 and 17) on holiday on my own because he just 'doesn't like holidays'. I have pretty much done everything out of the house with the boys on my own or with friends/family. He never took them to the park, swimming, outdoor activities. I look back and feel sad that he (and they) missed out on those experiences together.

He is a good Dad in other ways. He has a lot of banter with them and they enjoy his company when they are together. They share his passion for computers and nerdy things that I know nothing about. He is also a good partner in that he is affectionate and supportive.

He has told me if I want to go and do things (like going on holiday), he is happy with that but he just doesn't want to come along. I want to do those things with the person I share my life with though! I want us to share experiences together.

When he came off his computer, we decided to watch some films together (not really my idea of quality time but hey ho) but we simply couldn't agree to anything we'd both enjoy watching. He's into sci-fi, fantasy kinds of films and I hate all that. We always have to compromise on film choice.

I'm getting worried that things are just going to get worse now that the boys are growing up and I am dreading them leaving because
what will be left? How will we move on together when we have no shared interests or passions? Nothing to get excited about together or look forward to?

He's a good man and I do love him but I wonder if we've drifted so far apart now that there's no coming back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find friends who will go away with me or do the things that I enjoy with me while he sits at home in front of a screen. I know he can't help it, it's his personality but I worry that our futures just aren't compatible. I want to look forward to a life of travel and experience life outside of the house but he clearly doesn't.

You know, what stands out for me (and means I think the dh bashing is a bit unfair), is that Pippy asked him to spend less time on the computer, and he has. It's now he's done that that there are issues, but surely it shows he's prepared to make some effort.
I agree that counselling might help and in the meantime why don't you each write down, I don't know, 4 things you'd each like to do together. So his are maybe teach Pippy minecraft, or watch a sci fi film and Pippy's are go for a walk, do one salsa lesson. The rules are that once a month you draw an idea out of a hat and whatever comes up you both have to do it with good grace. Worth a try?

No Sandy, he hates hot weather and holidays in general. He feels uncomfortable being out of his depth in strange surroundings (odd, I know).

I suppose it is worth a go Theo. Thanks for sticking up for him. He's a decent and loving man. I must admit gaming and sci-fi films will bore the beejeezus out of me but if I'm going to expect him to step out of his comfort zone, I have to be prepared to do so too.

Time will tell. Thanks all.

My fil is like this. Mil tends to go on her own to places; although they do have holidays together but I find it sad he won't go anywhere else with her. I advise that if you don't want it to be like that at their age, to move on. You will feel very lonely 😔

It seems that you are sort of happy with the status quo, because of the children. However, when they leave who will you go on holiday with ? who will you share hobbies with ? Can you find a couple of hobbies to share ? what about geo caching or Pokemon which combine walk and computers, bird, animal or landscape photography and sharing with groups on internet. I don't think he realizes how serious you are. So in future if you go on lots of single traveling holidays and meet someone he should not be surprised ?

Secondly, there are lots of lovely places to go on holiday that are not hot !

When you are 100 do you want to look back and think I wish I had done x,y z. Believe me, your life could be so much more interesting and enjoyable. However, you need to really want that new life and yes it does exist !

I dunno, he sounds quite useful if you want a busy life. He’ll always babysit and always be there to talk to.

Why not meet half way? You watch a sci film, then he watches one you like, and so for most activities.

My DH is similar, tho more social, and I find it useful as we don’t have to argue about who does what as he will always be happy to be at home.

Good hobbies to share could be :
Playing on a Nintendo switch (two player)
Game of thrones (fantasy)
Even dungeons and dragons games, if you are artistic you could draw the Characters.
Scrabble online against each other.
Cooking for each other and the dc
Geocaching
secret cinema

Is there a sci fi convention he while like to go to, then you could sight see in the day and meet up in the evening?

Sounds like there is lots of good there thAt you could build on.

Thank you for the suggestions. I need to have a long think about it. Right now I'm just not sure if my heart is in it at all. It's difficult to summon any enthusiasm for spending time at all with him at the moment because I feel like I've tried repeatedly over the years to no avail.

I'm not even sure he wants to try. We're not really speaking at the moment because we had a chat about it a few days ago and, as usual, he took my concerns as being a character assassination rather than me trying to let him know how I'm feeling.

I will give it a while and see if either of us can muster the energy or enthusiasm to resolve this (with counselling / trying some of your suggestions etc) but right now I'm not feeling hopeful. I am starting to wonder if I even want him to make the effort after so long of not listening to me and us being disconnected. It would all feel a bit 'too little, too late'.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Although that's a sad update from you Pippy it might be viewed as being a further step along the road of working out what you want from your relationship, and whether you want to stay in it long term.

Take care of yourself.

It’s intersting what you said about any comment about a change being needed being taken as character assassination, that’s how my DH takes it to, or if I comment on someone’s behaviour on TV, he has to chime in with , well I don’t do that etc, —-when no one said that he did!! Weird isn’t it!

Can you say to him that you know he doesn't personally actively want to go on holiday, but would he go, for your sake as you want his company? Then look for somewhere not too hot. DH is like this. It's what we had our very few rows about. He just hates change. We had a massive row that ended up withour going to Iceland and he adored it. That may be a good place to suggest. Lots of nerdy male stuff like volcanoes and tectonic plates colliding and geysers. Lots of lovely things like hot springs to swim or lounge in, in the wild and small furry horses and very friendly people. DH never stops going on about that holiday and wants to go back. I almost left him trying to persuade him to agree to it in the first place.

Thanks Agatha.

Yetmorecrap - I don't get it either, that inability to recognise that they may have flaws and that any criticisms are bounced back in retaliation to avoid any acceptance that they might be at fault. Weird indeed.

Mina - My God! I would LOVE to go to Iceland. That always been my dream holiday! If things improve I may very well suggest that. I'll see how things go. If not, I'll save up and go on my own! I have no qualms about holidaying alone :)

I think you are incompatible but the shared work of bringing up children has masked it to a degree. I would be very apprehensive about the future with your DH. It doesn’t sound very exciting.

I was in the same boat. It took both of us 20 years to realise that we had zero in common other than our children. We had different interests/personalities etc etc and the mutual attraction at the start of our relationship was actually all that we had. Nothing else in common at all.

However since splitting, it hasn’t all been a bed of roses either! My OLD experiences have been hit and miss to say the least! I’m now in my 50’s and happily single. I travel alone and with friends and do things I want to do like visiting the likes of Iceland!!

I really feel for you. I spent 13 years with someone who only did what he wanted to do. If he wasn't interested in my idea then I was on my own. I lost count of the number of weddings, parties, holidays where I went on my own or with a friend. That was fine and I had a nice time but like you wanted to do those things with my partner! It does get lonely.

How did your kids cope with the split Cake? How old were they?

I can relate to that Blaablaablaa...I have been to plenty of functions by myself or with friends. My partner has reluctantly said he'd go to things with me but he never really wanted to so I told him I'd rather he didn't go. There is no fun going to things with someone who'd rather not be there. Saps all the joy out of things.

My god OP you must live with my DP, are you hiding upstairs in my house?

I totally get what you're saying. Mine sleeps or is in his room on his pc. I feel very lonely, even tho he will talk time if I make it happen. But nothing changes.

That appalling dilemma tho, of staying in a safe, secure, predictable and soul destroying house, or risking all that for what? The possibility of being happier? But after the initial adrenaline hit, it's all too possible that what you have exchanged that life for is loneliness, a split family with no more family meals, Xmas rituals up in smoke, what about the in law relationships, what about if you or he gets ill, so there you are 5 years down the line seeing your DC only half as often as you would otherwise cos they also see their DF, sitting alone with a cat or dog for company, worrying about the bills.

It's so difficult. I wish my DP was a brute in some way, it'd make the decision easier

I am having intense counselling, reading and thinking a lot about what I want from life (I'm older than you by 10 yrs) and have taken the pressure off him. He knows the score but I can't change him; all I can do is try and commit myself to staying, or going. So that's what I'm trying to work on.

Good luck.

@piggyrose tbh it was one of the reasons I left. I had a real wake up call at one event where he very reluctantly attended. Some of my work friends commented ' oooh we thought she was making you up!'

Not good

Buckingfrolicks - I feel your pain. Do you have kids? Is that why you stay? I agree with the 'I wish he was a brute in some way'. It certainly would make it easier, but alas, just the constant low level distance that keeps us hovering in the background waiting for things to change. Good for you for getting the counselling. I hope you find a way foreard.

Blaablaablaa - Do you have kids with your ex? I can definitely relate to the 'feeling lonely'. As many people have said to me; the loneliness is worse when you're supposed to be in a fulfilling relationship.

We're still not speaking at the moment and my head is all over the place. One minute I'm thinking that there is something we can salvage and build on, the next minute I'm ready to walk.

It's the kids I'm most worried about. They honestly would be devastated. They (I think) don't know things aren't right. It would be such a bolt out of the blue for them. I'm holding on for now. My youngest is just turned 15 and I really don't want to turn his world upside down. I've been reading so much about how separating parents destroy kids' lives. I don't want to put my happiness over theirs but I don't know how much longer it can go on like this :(

Sorry Buckingfrolics, I've just re-read your post and you clearly do have a child. It sounds like we really are in the same boat. Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat x

Hi Op. No I don't have kids with my ex which obviously made it easier to leave so I really do understand your dilemma.
However, I will say that I met my now husband a few months after I split up with my ex and I can't explain how wonderful it is to be with someone who likes to socialise and who you share interests with. I feel like we are a partnership and for the first time I feel like I can be me and I have someone who I can share experiences with rather than just telling them about what I've done and where I've been.

I know it's harder when it involves children but my parents split up when I was 15. It was hard but they worked together to proved support and stability and ultimately it was the right decision as they weren't happy. I turned out okay.

Your new relationship sounds amazing! Good to hear you've moved on and found a more fulfilling partnership. I think that's what it should all be about; sharing life together.

I suppose it's all down to how a separation is handled, as you say. I like to think we could do it amicably and sensibly for the sake of the kids. I just down want to break their little hearts. Because of the way things are, I'd have left years ago if it wasn't for them.

I'm wondering whether it would be possible for us to split but stay living in the same house so that the boys still have their home and a bit of stability. I kind of feel like we (me and my partner) always led separate lives anyway and so they wouldn't really notice much of a change?

I suppose it would make 'moving on' difficult though. I don't want to stay single forever. I just wish there was an easy solution. Why is life so bloody complicated??

I wonder if your boys really don't realise anything is wrong. They must visit friends houses and see different relationships with their parents. You have to do what you think is right, but fwiw I would think that at some point, if they don't already suspect, they will realise that you and their dad don't have a fulfilling relationship. It would be very difficult if they thought that you had stayed in a relationship that you weren't happy in, for them.

Do you have a good sex life, surely he wants to keep that. Does he do any exercise, he just sits all day?
I feel you should be working on your own life now to get a good and interesting life of hobbies and socialising. Rather than leaving and then sorting your life. Perhaps if your life is full you can put up with a boring DH at home. I have friends who do everything as a couple and friends who have very different interests. But I’m sure they at least have some interest in their partners’ lives.

Maybe they do realise. I'm trying to spend as much time away from him as possible so the boys don't pick up on any atmosphere,

With regards to sex, I have recently withdrawn from any physical contact because I think it creates the impression that things are okay when they aren't. I now refuse to go through the motions of kisses/cuddles etc. If we aren't a couple in the true sense of sharing experiences together, I'm not going to compromise myself by reciprocating any superficial displays of affection anymore. I really do think this is the beginning of the end. My mindset has changed over the last couple of weeks to almost total apathy.

No exercise....just work, some housework and computing.

I have been looking into platonic parenting - trying to be friends and bringing up the kids in a stable environment without any 'romantic' attachments to my partner. It is a conversation I am yet to have with him.