Can we move on from this?

[GerddwrEryri]

I am utterly ashamed to say that I hit my partner. I was arrested by the police and because he didn't want to press charges I got a caution.

I feel absolutely awful and so upset that I hurt him. Nobody deserves to be hit, especially not by the person who claims they love you. I have been on the receiving end of that with my ex and it really dented my trust in him although he never changed and did it again.

We had a very long chat when I came out of the police station. He thinks we can move on from this.

Can we though?? Can you ever move on from your partner hitting you? I'm so scared of losing him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I cried so much in the police station. The officer who saw me crying told me it wasn't that bad, I'll only get a caution, chalk it up to experience etc. But I wasn't crying about the legal repercussions I was crying as I was so upset I'd hurt him. I'm upset about the legal ramifications but I know it's more than I deserve to only get a caution and I know that I should have and deserved to be convicted. I know that it is absolutely his right to leave me and that he absolutely should leave me.

I am doing an anger management course and I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment and I know there are so many things I need to work on. I know that I can turn things around from a personal perspective but I'm scared I've broken his trust so badly and hurt him so badly. Why would he stick around? I don't think I would if he had hit me.

I really don't think it matters who can cause more damage or how much damage was caused.

Violence is violence, end of. And God only knows how it got turned into him abusing me?! You are so far off the mark there springy

Kelsoo I'm really glad your husband is a changed man and I agree with you that sometimes only breaking yourself is enough to make one change. I feel utterly broken and I know I have fucked up hugely here.

Is he an idiot for staying with me? Probably. But I can only be thankful that he is staying with me but at the end of the day only time will tell if that's the right decision.

Definitely get some help, in any way you can. Every argument ups the ante, otherwise.

I do think along the same lines as Dissimilitude posted: men are far less physically at risk from an attack by a female partner, than the opposite way around.

Therefore they may minimise the impact, especially of a one-off attack, because subconsciously they've risk-assessed the situation and feel they could never be in serious physical danger.

Whereas for women, subconsciously we know that a male partner is perfectly capable of killing us with his bare hands if he so chooses. (In most cases.) So we have a greater incentive to leave.

But the idea that a man should just "laugh off" being hit by a woman is deeply sexist and showcases toxic masculinity at its worst.

OP, it may work out, or it may not. In his shoes, if I could see that you were taking ACTION to address a) the mental health/stress issues that contributed to this and b) techniques for anger management and healthy ways to resolve conflict, then I would cautiously give you a chance to change.

Remorse can be seen in the immediate aftermath. Determination not to repeat the offence/abuse can be seen in what steps you take next. Yes, I do believe that this can be a one off and a wake up call that you need help. If you can show that you're seeking and responding to that help, and will go to any lengths then you can move on from this. Good luck, OP. How awful you feel comes across. In my drinking days I didn't hit anyone but did some equally horrible and hurtful things to people.