Marriage is otherwise good but....

[Signposted]

I really need some advice and opinion as I am struggling to think clearly at the moment.

I will try and make this as short as possible but. Will provide more info should anybody wish to know

In summary have been married over 20yrs to my wife, one young child and one adult child (same marriage). A couple of years ago I had a wobble which meant that we went to counselling together.

Essentially I love my kids, and my life in general. We are comfortable and enjoy what I would say is a generally good life. So why am I considering ending things?

My wife loves me and in many ways I love her. I’m. Not saying here that I don’t but hopefully what I will say next will help put context to that. I’m at the mid life crisis age and I have no doubt some of that will be playing it’s part but I am seriously worried that outside of our kids we have very little in common. We have a different passion for life and different interests. In the counselling we discussed two elements that stood out for us that needed work, one was our emotional needs and how we both felt loved by the other. Please don’t read that as sex though for the sake of clarity we are slightly apart in that area, it is more of outside of the bedroom that there is no flirtation, hugs etc unless it is me doing it. We did discuss in the counselling whether I was doing enough in the home but this didn’t come out as a problem (I do shar the chores, child care, cooking). My wife works part time and I work full time. My wife lacking confidence in herself also was a topic of discussion.

What also came out was that we need to find common interests outside of the kids and that is what we have also been working on. We are over a year later and whilst we have tried to change things very little has. It is hard to explain but I do love her but what terrifies me is that I look to the future and worry about what happens when the kids leave home as we struggle to engage in shared interests now.

I guess without sounding harsh I could describe it as comfortable currently. I wonder regularly if we should part as I can see how it currently is turning us bitter into retirement but then am ripped apart by what that decision would mean to my wife, kids and wider family.

I feel so responsible for all this but a: struggling to see clearly

I should also add that there is nobody else involved now or previously.

I would welcome your thoughts

[MatildaTheCat]

Presumably you used to have things in common? Can you remember what these things were and work from there? I think when you are busy with The drudgery of bringing up dc, working and getting through the daily grind it’s very easy to slip into a rut.

I would suggest that you both try to connect by making time for yourselves as a couple. Take it in turns to chose an activity, even a movie at home, a walk, a meal, an experience you both never tried before. If you do this you have more to talk about. Try reading the same books or getting stuck into a fantastic box set together. Eat meals together and really try to talk. Asking her about her day, her friends etc.

My dh and I are long together and we have extremely different interests and hobbies. What makes it work is the fact that we both get out doing things but also spend a lot of time just hanging out. Dealing with family issues has made us closer and finally, getting a dog was our best ever decision. It means we always have a reason to go out together.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

This is very difficult because as you say, your wife hasn't been showing any affection despite knowing that this was something you'd like.

It may not come naturally to her but I think I can speak from experience because my husband felt the same way...that he always was the one to hug me etc.

I worked on showing him more affection and it felt odd at first but now it's natural and we also stumbled across a shared interest in gardening and walking...we're 45...also mid life crisis age...but we seem to be on the same page with regards to gentler pastimes than we used to enjoy...in the past we'd go out and drink and have parties with friends...now neither of us wants to.

Did your wife try to show affection at all?

It's likely that she feels shy about it...but also possible that she's just not that way inclined.

I also totally understand your looking forward into a future where you're with someone you don't enjoy spending time with.

You mention that you've both tried to find common interests but it's not really worked...can I ask, what are some of your interests and what are your wife's?

[EggsonHeads]

Do you really need to have things in common? You don't have to spend much time together to be happily married so long as you can findfulfillment in other parts of your life. Maybe you should both try to have fuller individual lives. I know it's hard with a young child but make more friends try different hobbies. This may make you happier in general. Spending less time together may also make you enjoy/appreciate your time together more. It may also give you something to talk about:

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Eggs to be fair, OP sounds as though there's quite a void between them...with a happy marriage, separate hobbies can work as long as there's fun and laughter when you're actually together.

[Signposted]

Thanks for the responses. Yes I think you are right that she is not that way inclined. She has tried with the emotional side but it’s not in her nature and I worry in a way that my head is starting to see it as forced on the times she has tried. I feel bad that I don’t find her as attractive sexually as I once did but don’t know if that is because I miss the build up to the event so to speak (sorry can’t think of any other words)

We have tried Salsa, date nights, music events etc which were one or both of our ideas but when it comes to the conversation part it just doesn’t happen unless around topics on the kids. I worry at times if I have switched off and then feel guilty for doing so.

I do feel that I have a younger outlook, I enjoy spontaneity, music and gigs where her reaction would be that I am too old for that (I’m not too old if I look at the demographic that go to them). Many of the things I do or suggest would get the reaction of ‘I’m being stupid’

I know she loves me, could not see a future without me (her words) but I feel like I am deceiving her currently and making myself unhappy in the process. And then I think about my life, my kids, how lovely she is as a person and I feel very very guilty for even contemplating it

[GeorgeTheHamster]

I think, if you have kids, you only leave if you absolutely cannot stay.

You need to stop navel gazing and get on with life. The grass will not be greener if you leave, because you will have damaged your kids and broken up your family. You will feel guilty and you will see much less of your kids.

You're just a bit bored. Mid life crisis as you say. Get up some drive to do something new, but don't leave your marriage.

[Signposted]

Wouldn’t it impact the kids if their hilts respecting each other, just existed in the family home for the sake of them?

[Signposted]

Parents whilst respecting....not hilts

[serialcheat]

Difficult.....

It would be interesring to hear your wife's point of view !?

I suspect, like you, she is seriously stressed by your ' unhappiness ' but is holding it together for the ' family '

How would YOU feel if she said, she didn't love you, found you unattractive, didn't want sex with you again, told you she wanted a divorce and more excitement in life than you can give !?

I think it's always a good thing to look at issues through other people eyes and perspectives......

Reading your posts, I was reminded of the movie ' It's a wonderful Life ' with James Stewart.

There is a line in the film: ' it would be a tragedy if you through it all away, you really had a wonderful life '

Watch the movie, then reflect.....

[serialcheat]

Interesing = interesting

[serialcheat]

Through = threw

[Signposted]

Thankyou Serialcheat

Yes, in my wife’s words she is walking around on tenderhooks wondering what I will say next....I completely understand that and it why I want to get to a resolution I know I can stick with. It not fair on her at all

[sadiesnakes]

You should read The Break, by Marion Keyes. Fictional but well written idea of mid life crisis in a somewhat good marriage. Op it's often said but true, the grass is rarely greener on the other side and marriage takes hard work and effort and has ups and downs. Midlife crisis often destroy the lives of those involved, kids included, and are usually just down to selfishness and boredom. Don't be that guy. If you feel the same in 3/5 years time and it genuinely dosnt work, then consider changing things, but acting now on the signs of a midlife crisis is a mistake, especially since you have children.

[Signposted]

Thank you Sadiesnakes

[Opaldaisies]

Do you think about what you would do, how life would look if you did leave?

Practical considerations? Who would you go out with (friends wise, available friends that is - not ones tied up with their own family life most of the time)

Do you know where you'd go? Things you'd like to see?

Sometimes it helps to face the unfaceable to have a hard look at "what lies beyond". It could help you feel that you are definitely best where you are. Maybe you could incorporate some of those ideas into life with your wife.

Sometimes it's also good to book things for yourself and wife (that you know she might or probably would enjoy, not something you know she'd hate or completely out of character) and then they are in the diary. I say this as someone stuck in a rut myself. My DH has taken to booking in things (theatre, gigs, BBQs) and I have no choice but to go along with it (well I could say no of course, I'm not physically dragged there). He did get fed up of me saying "Maybe next summer.. maybe next year... I don't know" so just got on with booking things anyway and putting them on the calendar. He said he didn't want life to pass by on "maybe one day". I've always enjoyed what I've ended up going to with him and trying something new, going out and about is often out of my comfort zone but he's right to carry on. I wouldn't have gone anywhere otherwise. Too stuck in my rut.

Just a thought.

[crunched]

We are at the same stage of life, our youngest DD will (hopefully) be off to uni in September.

I think what opaldaises says is great advice. My DH forces me to socialise in groups far more than I want but, when I get to 'do's 'I usually enjoy it. I, on the other hand, organise gigs, theatre and exhibitions for the two of us. He sometimes pulls a face but afterwards agrees we had fun. It's weird that, after nearly 30 years together, our relationship is still evolving.
Someone upthread mentioned gardening and walking together, I would rather save gentler pursuits until my 80's but if DH suggested them, and I, like your wife, would not want a future without him, I would try them. I think we owe it to each other. If your wife will not share in, at least some of your interests and criticises you for doing things when refusing to go along with you, she can't be that keen on staying together IMO.

Hope you can work things out.

[NotReadyToMove]

What is making her walking on tenterhooks?

[Bananamanfan]

I think the pp's idea of each choosing alternate activities is a good idea, you may find that you have more in common than you think.

Fwiw, music/gigs used to be my life and I played in a band for years, but now the reward of a gig, compared to the effort of getting there, standing around, getting home is just not worth it at all.

I think maybe it's the specific circumstances of being a mum; the changes/injuries caused by childbirth, the extra journeys either side of the working day, the shopping, the cooking, mean that appealing activities seem to revolve around sitting down and being presented with food/entertainment.

Other interests probably come back when there is room in life for them. Don't even worry about what it's going to be like when the dcs leave home.

[AmberTopaz]

From your description of your relationship it sounds like there is still something to work with. Realistically, after so many years together I think it’s natural to describe things as ‘comfortable’ rather than ‘incredible’.

Try making some small changes. I know you’ve been trying for a year now, but rather than nights out etc, how about just having dinner together and chatting every night and without switching on the TV (or any other distraction)? Or do you do that anyway?

Hope you can work it out, OP.

[Signposted]

Thankyou so much for all the thoughts and advice so far, it has gave me lots of perspective

Why is she on tenderhooks...this is because since the counselling we are not ‘right’ as a couple and me having these wobbles don’t help

Crunched...I’m with you in your thoughts to the gentler pursuits, in a similar vane for reading books together. None of those would excite me in the slightest way and to be fair would also not my wife as it was some of the ideas that the counsellor suggested. Not to say it wouldn’t for others....just not for us

And I have, as has my wife, sorted out a few nights out, evenings away together for this year hoping that it will help us recall what we mean to each other.

Still more thinking to do but these comments help so much

[Hermonie2016]

How old are you? I think its common for men and women to get to a stage where they ask "Is this it?"

Do you have ideas of what you would like to do? Do you find your job stimulating?
I wonder if practicing gratitude would help, as its proven to help with happiness as you focus on what is good in your life, not what is missing.I think its your mindset that could change rather than circumstances.

Going through a divorce is deeply unpleasant, the losses can be high and no guarantee happiness at the end.Men often miscalculate the loss of family life and realise the value only after they have thrown it away.
You seen unhappy in yourself which won't change by separating.

[Signposted]

Hi Hermonie, there are a few things in your post that hit home.

When this started I was in a job I didn’t like and didn’t feel respected in, fortunately that changed and my current job is great

I don’t have much/any social life outside of work and home and I think that contributes. I find it difficult to make and keep friends....I’m not a ‘mans man’ in the sense that I seem to get on better with women and men and am far from a beer drinking, football loving male.

Your point on focusing on the positives is a really good one....I can overthink things very easily and dwell on the negatives.

This feels like it is definitely my problem in the relationship and I’m king to try to have an honest conversation with my wife to see how she feels and how she sees our future.

Since writing this original post I have had my daughter run up to me and plant a big kiss and a cuddle on me, telling me she loves me and all of which was her doing. My wife walked in and gave me a huge hug as she can see I’m not feeling myself

I need to focus on that and how much they clearly love me

[Signposted]

Btw. I’m 48

[GeorgeTheHamster]

So you are expecting your wife to make you happy. You have no other friends or focus in your life, no wonder you feel unfulfilled. Your happiness is your own responsibility. And you're 48. Prime time for this.

Stop it. Get out there and do some things you like doing. Then come home and appreciate what you have.

What do you think life would be like if you left? Smaller house, on your own, upset kids, lonely.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I have been in relationship with dh for nearly 20 years and our 'secret' has been to not force joint interests and activities. We are very different people, we balance each other out. Dh prefers not to socialise much outside the family. I go to gigs, pubs, events and travel more. We respect each other's freedom to be ourselves, not waste time trying to mould each other into a false idea of what we ought to be. We have shared passion for music, game of thrones and more recently gin, which gives us activities and conversation topics.

When we do go out they are rare but precious evenings, but no pressure to perform. Expectations kill passion. I love dh because I like who he is and how he makes me feel most of the time. We can do our thing and share our feelings. If you are unhappy op look at yourself, don't make your wife responsible for your happiness.