Marriage is otherwise good but....

[Signposted]

I really need some advice and opinion as I am struggling to think clearly at the moment.

I will try and make this as short as possible but. Will provide more info should anybody wish to know

In summary have been married over 20yrs to my wife, one young child and one adult child (same marriage). A couple of years ago I had a wobble which meant that we went to counselling together.

Essentially I love my kids, and my life in general. We are comfortable and enjoy what I would say is a generally good life. So why am I considering ending things?

My wife loves me and in many ways I love her. I’m. Not saying here that I don’t but hopefully what I will say next will help put context to that. I’m at the mid life crisis age and I have no doubt some of that will be playing it’s part but I am seriously worried that outside of our kids we have very little in common. We have a different passion for life and different interests. In the counselling we discussed two elements that stood out for us that needed work, one was our emotional needs and how we both felt loved by the other. Please don’t read that as sex though for the sake of clarity we are slightly apart in that area, it is more of outside of the bedroom that there is no flirtation, hugs etc unless it is me doing it. We did discuss in the counselling whether I was doing enough in the home but this didn’t come out as a problem (I do shar the chores, child care, cooking). My wife works part time and I work full time. My wife lacking confidence in herself also was a topic of discussion.

What also came out was that we need to find common interests outside of the kids and that is what we have also been working on. We are over a year later and whilst we have tried to change things very little has. It is hard to explain but I do love her but what terrifies me is that I look to the future and worry about what happens when the kids leave home as we struggle to engage in shared interests now.

I guess without sounding harsh I could describe it as comfortable currently. I wonder regularly if we should part as I can see how it currently is turning us bitter into retirement but then am ripped apart by what that decision would mean to my wife, kids and wider family.

I feel so responsible for all this but a: struggling to see clearly

I should also add that there is nobody else involved now or previously.

I would welcome your thoughts

Op I'm the same age as you. Dh and I have huge problems and that's one of the reasons why we're splitting but another is because I'm a 'doer' and he's a 'spectator'. I love doing stuff from hiking, to crafts, to ice skating , to cooking , to playing board games to reading. I also love parties and dancing and staying up all night talking. We're both very sociable but he doesn't want to do stuff he wants to watch football etc. Watch TV. Discussions are a non starter because he talks at me with his ready made opinions not based on anything other than what he thinks. He's actually not very interesting to talk to at all so I no longer do.

So around him I do my own thing and leave him to it. With my friends, family and kids I'm full of life and chatter and we have a great time.

I recently met up with my first long term boyfriend who I was with for 13 years. The spark may have gone but I could talk to him all day and all night. So funny and so interesting.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes neither is wrong just wrong for each other. What did you use to have in common? What did you like to talk to her about? What attracted you to her?

If I’m honest I don’t remember.....I don’t mean that in a bad way, I honestly have a terrible memory and can’t remmeber many things.

Sorry to hear of your situations, some things ring true in what you want to do and I do find I can more easily have conversations with others I find more interesting but maybe that’s because we have forgotten how to talk. She has done nothing wrong and is lovely in many many ways.

I think I need to try harder and get a grip

Your lack of defensiveness is refreshing and you have insight so that is very positive.

Oddly I was going to ask if you had male company as that is also a factor in midlife issues.An author Jed Diamond (website menalive) recommends mens groups but that isn't culturally accepted here although more available in spiritual communities.
He also believes that men go through a male menopause, a time of questioning life and seeking meaning...a shift from aging to saging.
We have lost role models for our older years yet there is a fantastic opportunity to use our skills and experience in society.
Start backwards, what do you want to be remembered for?

I think this is a life transition and like all transitions it can be uncomfortable until you are out the other side.Some men won't "sit" with the discomfort and act out by getting the motorbike and 25 year old girlfriend but its only a distraction not resolution.

Gratitude really does change your mindset and is such a simple practice.

I agree with Hermione that male friendship is often neglected, women tend to maintain friendships outside of their marriage and men tend to rely on their partners. Massive generalisation alert.

I hope you find a way through your dilemma op. You seem a good person, I hope your insight helps you, whether the answer is to work together or to separate only you will know.

oP, far too many people expect the wife /husband/ partner to be the be all and end all of all entertainment, comfort, support etc. Believe me I've done it for numerous years and long term it causes issues. I regret now becoming too co dependent!! Shared interests are not the be all and end all.

" I have to try harder and get a grip "

From your own words, you are over thinking things.

Have you read the poem ' Serenity ' it's quite inspiring.

Thanks all. I am quite self aware in my opinion. Yes I have done the distractions (but not the girlfriend thing) and have learnt that they are at best a plaster rather than a cure.

I would dearly like to work on my friendship circle, maybe be a couple of the distractions I have purchased will open up some opportunities. I am quite open to sharing and talking about how I feel, discussing things that can feel uncomfortable to many. In some ways that is what stops me finding the right like minded circle of friends.

I need to give some thought to how I can do that, it is not through want of trying but I honestly have struggled to build any of those relationships.

I didn’t come on here to defend myself, just be honest. I am well aware it is me that needs to address how I am feeling. Yes there are things that we both need to work harder to get closer together on, such as showing affection and ultimately sex, but I wonder if some of that will happen when we can talk and interact and I relax more into having a wider friendship group.

Bigmouthstrikesagain....that is a reflection of us though I do try to encourage my wife to broaden her circle, get out more and have confidence in who she is

Serial cheat, I’m off to google that poem now

I should say that in the friendship thing when I do get the confidence to mention to people that I really don’t have any they are, without exception, all surprised as they generally seem to think I am a nice sociable person....but here I am

OP. You sound like you have a perfectly normal long term marriage! Go download some John Gottman books and google his credentials too. He can predict what couples will stay together or split. Fascinating! Get ahead of this MLC shit before it consumes you. Good luck 😊

Bibbidee....Thankyou!

Honestly, to post here without any mention of marital discord other than its a bit staid, there seems hope in your marriage OP. All long term marriages end up like this and a fair few spouses are lured away with the excitement of an affair partner offering them newness which is SO exciting! However, it's only exciting because it's new.

I've read about it so much because I am a betrayed spouse and needed to make sense of what happened to me and my marriage and I've come to realise that so many marriages are thrown away because it gets boring and somebody new steps in and offers a spouse a bit of attention, addresses their needs and the rest is history but there is another way and a new more deeper chapter waiting for spouses who take the time to read up and remedy their marriages. Maybe this is you?

I hope so Bobbidee. The responses to this post have helped so much. Affairs, and I know of a few people that have had them, seldom solve the underlying problem

I have way to much good in my life to throw it away without working hard on all options. That’s my plan.

OP what I wouldn't have given for my STBXH to even agree to attend counselling! He was 41 last year and we had a few rough years where we appeared totally disconnected, nothing in common, didn't talk, didn't go out together - basically nothing in common! We argued pretty much everyday over small things......He said he wanted to leave July 2017, moved out September 2017, told me end of December 2017 he has suddenly met someone new (don't believe this I'm afraid). I now think he is having mid life crisis. I had realised how bad things were in March 2017 and said we needed to go to counselling, he agreed. It was never arranged and come July 2017, counselling was suddenly pointless as it wouldn't help us. So he's basically not wanting to try and reconnect at all, and has left me and 2 teenage kids to swan off and do what he likes! The thing that annoys me the most is that after 20 years together he would not even go through with the counselling before calling it quits.

You've already had some counselling and it's great that you are mature enough to recognise that you are having another wobble and IMO you are handling it in the right way. It seems to me with LTRs life gets in the way most of the time and we forget what being married is supposed to be about!!

If you can at least keep trying to mend it, not indefnitely, then I would say this is the best way to go. Hope this helps!

I would be interested why your wife is not really keen on activities you offer. She is saying that "you are too old" but I wonder what exactly she's uncomfortable with. If she has low confidence the very small detail can "send her off ". Ask her more what she'd like to do. Some people don't like gigs and concerts, it doesn't sound like you offered her a huge variety to choose from.
Sorry if it's sound harsh , it's not meant this way. I really impressed that you care.

@scotgal2017

My STBXH left suddenly! I'm left with a young adult and teen DC at home. He sees them EOW so basically is living the life of Riley with his younger OW. No young kids to look after! Sounds like your STBXH had the OW in the wings like mine did. I was with mine for 20 years too. These middle age men in MLC are so cliche. I feel discarded like an old dishcloth tbh. I've served my purpose looking after him and the DC, done all the hard work and left in my 50's. After reading countless books on relationships, Affairs and MLC I cannot be arsed with another relationship because I now realise how fickle partners can be. Anyway sorry OP, I'm ranting on and on!

Thanks scotgal2017. It was my idea to do counselling and after a false start with a counsellor we both disliked it was ok.....it fizzled out towards the end but I think that was because generally everything was good, there was no dislike of each other and outside of the sessions we knew what we needed to do, probably just didn’t work hard enough on it.

Greenlynx, definitely and will continue to work on this. It is hard to explain but I guess I am much more spontaneous and challenging of myself than she is. Don’t mind making a bit of a fool about myself and definitely feel younger in mind than she does (her words). Have no doubt some of this is confidence related and trying hard to encourage, compliment etc. I think years of being a ‘mum’ have not helped but I know she can be amazing, I am in awe of her ability to talk and take interest in others as an example.

As it stands we do have a few nights out/away that we have planned jointly, some are her thing and others are mine whilst the remainder are joint ideas. Even working hard on just getting out to the cinema together more often and to arrange for reliable childcare (we live away from family)

Bibbidee, please don’t box us all the same and stop yourself experiencing new things. All us men are not the same, yes I have my worries but I am working through them rather than running a mile.

These comments have been so helpful, I can’t explain how settled my stomach and mind have become since first posting. I know it’s not the end of the road by any means but your comments have made me realise that building on what I have will likely pay greater dividends than what my new life would be should I leave.

A few of you have mentioned books etc, would appreciate any recommendations

Thankyou