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Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

(130 Posts)
Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 20:54:29

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.


Marilla27 Sun 14-Jan-18 21:04:52

Do you think your husband would be up for seeing a relationship counsellor? It is a shame to not to try to work on it. Was your husband always like this?

My sister left her marriage and regrets it. She got in with a crowd of single, strongly feminist, women at work who were very anti-men who poisoned her mind so she left her husband. Then they all fell out and were nasty to her and she left her work. Now she regrets leaving her husband but he is with another woman. At the time she thought he could do nothing right. It was a terrible situation. Luckily they did not have any children. Hopefully with time she will forget and meet someone else so she can start again. I hope she will not be alone.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:10:01

Thanks for your reply. We have had a lot of counselling in the past but it hasn’t made much difference. He sees me as “less than” somehow. His parents had an unhappy marriage and from everything he’s said, he’s weirdly recreated a lot of similarities in ours.

That’s a shame about your sister. And is my greatest fear.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 14-Jan-18 21:11:58

I wouldn’t stay with someone who made me feel I was less than, whatever else there was. You’re clearly not happy, don’t stay.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:13:17

I feel like I’m trading off the kids’ happiness for my own, they love him very much. But I don’t want them to think this is normal/ok.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:15:37

He’s only pleasant/chatty to me when he wants to go out. It’s such a clear pattern. He goes to the pub 3 nights a week minimum but says this is his only way to unwind after a stressful job. And he doesn’t look after his health, which worries me terribly too.

Marilla27 Sun 14-Jan-18 21:18:19

I am sorry. Please can I ask you would you miss him? Has he talked to you about divorce or separation? 14 years is a long time so the joy will not be the same.

Marinight Sun 14-Jan-18 21:18:50

Feel you. I'm thinking about divorce.Have two kids and every time that I change my mind of the reason you mention I feel more and more depressed.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:20:39

I’d miss him in the day as we chat in the day about the kids but nothing else. He wouldn’t want us to break up as he is very financially motivated and we would be worse off.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:21:49

Marinight it’s hard to decide isn’t it? He isn’t violent or unfaithful, but there is no intimacy and he’s got into the habit of speaking to me like he’s permanently exasperated with me.

Marilla27 Sun 14-Jan-18 21:27:11

If you'd miss him then forgive me but I think you would make mistake. Do you think he would miss you?

When was the last time you went on holiday together maybe without the children? Is this possible?

When was the last time you were apart and for how long?

Forgive questions. I would like you to think about things.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:29:08

He seems to want to do nothing at all, except go to work and go to the pub. Any other suggestions are met with apathy, and complaints about cost, how much he pays for everything, and how he’s too knackered to do anything. Then gets a cab each way to the pub, and drinks and smokes.

I find the thought of intimacy with him to be horrible, he always does something I particularly don’t like, and he smells of smoke.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:30:59

I think he would miss whatever shape I form in his life. He can’t seem to hear or see me somehow. We have a strong routine, he calls me from work and we chat about the kids and that’s it. It’s pleasant enough, but we don’t talk like that at home because he didn’t have to be pleasant because no one can hear him.

Marinight Sun 14-Jan-18 21:32:37

Yes, that's true, Zerosugaroption. And I feel exhausted and squashed more and more. And he sees my confusion and becomes more huffish and cranky.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:32:50

We went away a couple of years ago without the kids but it wasn’t great. We have no one to leave them with now. Days out as a family are fraught, I have to carry the mental load of everything.

Marilla27 Sun 14-Jan-18 21:34:33

Do you ever go to the pub with him?

It is difficult.

buckeejit Sun 14-Jan-18 21:41:52

Is the best you can say about him that he isn't violent or abusive? If so, that's soul destroying.

I'd try counselling alone. I would never be with someone who thought I was less than.

Also he's concerned about money but goes to the pub thrice a week & smokes? Do you have the same amount of disposable income & time out of the relationship? Pretend camaraderie isn't worth much. Sorry to be so blunt but you haven't shown Any redeeming qualities for him so far

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:41:56

No, I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas which was ok but we were home for 10.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:42:19

No I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home for 10! He has no interest in doing anything different.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:42:19

No I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home for 10! He has no interest in doing anything different.

Marinight Sun 14-Jan-18 21:42:30

It seems to me that I'd feel better in divorce even with less moral and financial profit because every time he shows to us that he's tired of us and that's humiliating.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:42:54

No, I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home early. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything different and seems to prefer to go out alone, and I’m getting where I prefer that too.

Tonight he was all chatty and I knew straight away he was going to say he was going out, so I said “if you’re going to go out, then go!” And he was all “god what have I done now!” but it’s literally the ONLY time he wants to speak to me. angry

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:45:29

Buckeejit we run our finances separately at his insistence, it’s always been like that. I have my income, he has his and it’s much more but he pays for more. He also hides money. I have debt, but he has savings. He keeps the money separate as he says I’m crap with money as I’m always overdrawn. He spends a lot on the kids and holidays but he unilaterally decides what he’s going to spend on.

Zerosugaroption Sun 14-Jan-18 21:46:26

He resents that I have time at home whilst he is working but if I went back to work full time then we would be spending a fortune in wraparound childcare.

101trees Sun 14-Jan-18 21:59:06

No, I did not regret it, and it was my biggest fear. My life is far better now and the relationship was totally unsustainable in the long term.

However I do have to deal with my son's ongoing sadness about not living with both his parents together, and that makes me very sad.

I made my decision gradually over a period of time after having had several sets of individual counselling and one (disastrous) lot of marriage counselling with ExH, but that was only after I had moved out for a trial separation (first time he took it seriously).

That process was hugely comforting as I knew I had really thought and talked through every aspect of both options. I would highly recommend it.

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