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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

129 replies

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 20:54

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.

WWYD?

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Marilla27 · 14/01/2018 21:04

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:10

Thanks for your reply. We have had a lot of counselling in the past but it hasn’t made much difference. He sees me as “less than” somehow. His parents had an unhappy marriage and from everything he’s said, he’s weirdly recreated a lot of similarities in ours.

That’s a shame about your sister. And is my greatest fear.

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PaperdollCartoon · 14/01/2018 21:11

I wouldn’t stay with someone who made me feel I was less than, whatever else there was. You’re clearly not happy, don’t stay.

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:13

I feel like I’m trading off the kids’ happiness for my own, they love him very much. But I don’t want them to think this is normal/ok.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:15

He’s only pleasant/chatty to me when he wants to go out. It’s such a clear pattern. He goes to the pub 3 nights a week minimum but says this is his only way to unwind after a stressful job. And he doesn’t look after his health, which worries me terribly too.

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Marilla27 · 14/01/2018 21:18

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Marinight · 14/01/2018 21:18

Feel you. I'm thinking about divorce.Have two kids and every time that I change my mind of the reason you mention I feel more and more depressed.

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:20

I’d miss him in the day as we chat in the day about the kids but nothing else. He wouldn’t want us to break up as he is very financially motivated and we would be worse off.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:21

Marinight it’s hard to decide isn’t it? He isn’t violent or unfaithful, but there is no intimacy and he’s got into the habit of speaking to me like he’s permanently exasperated with me.

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Marilla27 · 14/01/2018 21:27

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:29

He seems to want to do nothing at all, except go to work and go to the pub. Any other suggestions are met with apathy, and complaints about cost, how much he pays for everything, and how he’s too knackered to do anything. Then gets a cab each way to the pub, and drinks and smokes.

I find the thought of intimacy with him to be horrible, he always does something I particularly don’t like, and he smells of smoke.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:30

I think he would miss whatever shape I form in his life. He can’t seem to hear or see me somehow. We have a strong routine, he calls me from work and we chat about the kids and that’s it. It’s pleasant enough, but we don’t talk like that at home because he didn’t have to be pleasant because no one can hear him.

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Marinight · 14/01/2018 21:32

Yes, that's true, Zerosugaroption. And I feel exhausted and squashed more and more. And he sees my confusion and becomes more huffish and cranky.

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:32

We went away a couple of years ago without the kids but it wasn’t great. We have no one to leave them with now. Days out as a family are fraught, I have to carry the mental load of everything.

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Marilla27 · 14/01/2018 21:34

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buckeejit · 14/01/2018 21:41

Is the best you can say about him that he isn't violent or abusive? If so, that's soul destroying.

I'd try counselling alone. I would never be with someone who thought I was less than.

Also he's concerned about money but goes to the pub thrice a week & smokes? Do you have the same amount of disposable income & time out of the relationship? Pretend camaraderie isn't worth much. Sorry to be so blunt but you haven't shown Any redeeming qualities for him so far

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:41

No, I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas which was ok but we were home for 10.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:42

No I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home for 10! He has no interest in doing anything different.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:42

No I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home for 10! He has no interest in doing anything different.

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Marinight · 14/01/2018 21:42

It seems to me that I'd feel better in divorce even with less moral and financial profit because every time he shows to us that he's tired of us and that's humiliating.

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:42

No, I don’t drink. We went for dinner before Christmas but I felt very tense and we were home early. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything different and seems to prefer to go out alone, and I’m getting where I prefer that too.

Tonight he was all chatty and I knew straight away he was going to say he was going out, so I said “if you’re going to go out, then go!” And he was all “god what have I done now!” but it’s literally the ONLY time he wants to speak to me.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:45

Buckeejit we run our finances separately at his insistence, it’s always been like that. I have my income, he has his and it’s much more but he pays for more. He also hides money. I have debt, but he has savings. He keeps the money separate as he says I’m crap with money as I’m always overdrawn. He spends a lot on the kids and holidays but he unilaterally decides what he’s going to spend on.

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Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 21:46

He resents that I have time at home whilst he is working but if I went back to work full time then we would be spending a fortune in wraparound childcare.

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101trees · 14/01/2018 21:59

No, I did not regret it, and it was my biggest fear. My life is far better now and the relationship was totally unsustainable in the long term.

However I do have to deal with my son's ongoing sadness about not living with both his parents together, and that makes me very sad.

I made my decision gradually over a period of time after having had several sets of individual counselling and one (disastrous) lot of marriage counselling with ExH, but that was only after I had moved out for a trial separation (first time he took it seriously).

That process was hugely comforting as I knew I had really thought and talked through every aspect of both options. I would highly recommend it.

Marilla27 · 14/01/2018 22:06

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