Long term lurker, occasional poster. Lurked so long I should know the answers, but when it's your situation it's not as easy to see wood from trees. This may be long....
Backstory: married in early 20's, now together for 28 years and late 40's. DS16 and DD13. One year into marriage (I was then 22) I had a ONS, and got found out. Far from proud of this, no excuses, but boy 24 years on I am still paying the price.
At the time, we agreed to move on from it, it was a one off, we moved house, then eventually to this 'dream' house and had the DC.
Last 3 years have been awful. FIL died, aged MIL became a demanding nightmare, my dad got diagnosed with MS, my career flew spectacularly, H's business was tough (self employed), DD had a traumatic change to secondary school with bullying...it goes on.
This year has been the worse. I got diagnosed with CIN2 (pre-cervical cancer) and HPV. MIL gradually got worse with dementia (she's 89) and is now in a home; the financial stuff has been a nightmare, DS got accused of serious sexual assault at school by a girl who turned out to have lied, but not before police intervention, interview under caution etc. And my stash of nice underwear and a few sex toys got discovered by H.
I'll explain: I suffer from low self confidence and low self esteem. I am in a senior level job which I love, and do well at. But my own underlying confidence in me is shot. Going out the house with a 'too short' dress, 'what are you doing wearing that', 'aren't those heels a bit high', 'your hair looks awful that colour'...so I have a small stash of nice underwear (including stockings and suspenders) which i occasionally wore becasue it made me feel good. And a handful of sex toys for my own use as I can't bear H touching me. I don't want sex. It's now been about 8 months.
He has now put 2 and 2 together and got about 9. Assumes the stuff is for use with someone else, assumes i 'got HPV' as I must be sleeping around, assumes because I am away a lot with work I must be up to something. I made one mistake 24 years ago and am still being persecuted. Almost daily this year; prior to that was occasionally when he got pissed.
Which brings me onto his drinking. He goes out to the pub every night, usually about 9, earlier on a saturday. He comes to bed about 12-1am, and probably 4-5 times a week shakes me awake to have a go about something. Accuses me of cheating now (last night it was because i have 2 phones - i have a work one and a personal one, as we are not allowed to use the work one for own use. Apparently it's my cheat phone). At least twice a week he mentions my ONS. It's been far worse since he found the underwear and toys, but was happening prior too regularly. He goes for a drink because I don't talk to him and he won't sit in silence (his words).
DD is badly affected by the arguing. She gets really upset. I just won't be spoken to like he speaks to me, and won't be accused of things I am not doing!
The sleep deprivation is crippling. Being woken 2 hours into a deep sleep then listening to him often ranting is debilitating.
I have told him it's over and I want to leave. I then get the tears and then the suicide threats and then the blackmail (he'll tell my mum and dad all about me and how nasty I am).
Financially I can do it. I earn £70k pa and can afford to rent (this once dream house is now bad memories). His income though is unstable and he says he won't cope and anyway 'we are a family and must stick together'. It's breaking me. Totally breaking me. I can't cope. I hate coming home from work as I dread walking in the door.
He's out now, since 3pm, with a mate in a city half an hour away, so I am already dreading tonight.
Sorry....that's long already, there's so much I could say. Got to go and pick both DCs up now, luckily from the same town, so may not be able to reply for a short while.
Please ask any questions. Help me grow that proverbial pair and leave!
thanks